How do I get involved in local community? (Full Version)

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flowered -> How do I get involved in local community? (4/5/2008 11:03:42 PM)

I have never been to a bdsm munch, play party, event or anything else related. The only people I have met into it have been through here, and I never went to any events with them.

I am truly interested in experiencing it, and have no idea how- i google it, and get links to forum groups which do nothing but spam my email with links to crazy porn.

I imagine if I look enough I will find something I could go to though :) (though if anyone can recomend any, would appreciate it)
PA/NJ/DE area

My main problem is I would not know how to go about going!
What do you wear, what do you do, how do you act, contact and address others- no one I know is into this lifestyle, so would likely go alone... can I go alone?
I also hear of all sorts of unspoken rules.
I hate being confused and uncertain, and it is one of the major reasons I have yet to go to such an event, I am also a little shy when I first meet new people and going in all alone... I would do it, but wish to know what is expected.- any advice?
Have that ridiculous fear of
a) standing in a corner doing nothing til I go home
b) doing something wrong and inadvertantly offending someone
c) other

I understand if I do find an event I should email someone on the site for it, but that is specific, and I doubt would be a step by step guideline or near.

Would be thankful for any input   =)



metamorpha -> RE: To find and becoming active in a de/pa/nj bdsm community (4/5/2008 11:23:02 PM)

I went to a munch in my area tonight, and it was only the second time.  I was very nervous since I saw only one person that I had met before.

Dress casually - not in BDSM attire unless it is requested.  There was a wonderful lady that came and talked to me because she noticed I was sitting alone - chances are that the same will happen to you.  Soon I had others to chat with. 

I spent most of my time talking about my job and the fact that I travel internationally.  Often the chat centers around non-lifestyle facets.  You certainly don't have to share anything with people that you are not comfortable with.  You can talk about your hobbies, your job, etc.

For me, the munch lasted 3 hours but I ended up staying almost two hours extra because I found interesting people to talk with.  You can drift back and forth between vanilla and lifestyle.  Just be yourself, and others will be attracted.  I found one person who went to a rival high school and we laughed about the silly rivalries, another that was born the same year as me.  You will find the same types of things - people there are just people.  I also heard about a new group for subs only, something I would enjoy joining.  You might find something similar. 

Just relax, take a deep breath, and give people time to talk to you.  Don't be ready to bolt within the first 15 minutes if no one talks to you.  If I can do it, so can you.   : )



flowered -> RE: To find and becoming active in a de/pa/nj bdsm community (4/5/2008 11:34:14 PM)

Good to know they take pity on the nervous girl in the corner :)

It is good advice and I thank you for it- what about other events? Not just munches?




softpjOS -> RE: How do I get involved in local community? (4/5/2008 11:35:58 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: flowered

I have never been to a bdsm munch, play party, event or anything else related. The only people I have met into it have been through here, and I never went to any events with them.

did you meet them in person or just talk to them online?  if you've met them in person, would they be willing to attend with you?

I am truly interested in experiencing it, and have no idea how- i google it, and get links to forum groups which do nothing but spam my email with links to crazy porn.

google BDSM and the nearest (larger) town to you.  yes, you'll find junk but mixed in there will be groups you can join.

I imagine if I look enough I will find something I could go to though :) (though if anyone can recomend any, would appreciate it)
PA/NJ/DE area

My main problem is I would not know how to go about going!
What do you wear, what do you do, how do you act, contact and address others- no one I know is into this lifestyle, so would likely go alone... can I go alone? Yes you can go alone

I also hear of all sorts of unspoken rules.
each event will have it's own set of rules, best bet is to contact someone prior to attending and ASK If it's posted to a group, post a request for rules/dress code.  It's always best to ask then to show up in your best fetish wear and find yourself in a room next to a kids birthday party.. ya know? 

I hate being confused and uncertain, and it is one of the major reasons I have yet to go to such an event, I am also a little shy when I first meet new people and going in all alone... I would do it, but wish to know what is expected.- any advice?

What to expect will vary by the type of event you choose to attend.  A munch is generally (but not ALWAYS) in a public setting, casual attire, and has a host that makes it a point to spot new comers and make them feel comfortable.  Most often you'll find a group of people having dinner and conversation.  From the doorway it will look no different then a vanilla event. 
 
A play party, is a private event, most often held at an individuals home and is attended (most often) by invitation only. Dress is as the host deems appropriate and as such will vary greatly. 
 
Fetish event hosts will post particulars to each event

Have that ridiculous fear of
a) standing in a corner doing nothing til I go home
typically a munch/play party will have someone either hosting or monitoring, in either case, someone "should" greet you and make a few introductions. 
b) doing something wrong and inadvertantly offending someone
introduce yourself to people and get to know them. a smile and hello generally gets favorable responses. 
c) other
can't help ya with "other" cuz we've ALL probably done "that" a time or two :)

I understand if I do find an event I should email someone on the site for it, but that is specific, and I doubt would be a step by step guideline or near.

Would be thankful for any input   =)

If you're still having trouble googling info on your area, i'm sure someone will provide a link as there are many who have posted similar questions.  Good luck and remember to smile! 
 
pj




Leatherist -> RE: How do I get involved in local community? (4/5/2008 11:41:25 PM)

I quit going to munches when everyone who showed up was heavier than me. I'm six foot two.



DelilahDeb -> RE: To find and becoming active in a de/pa/nj bdsm community (4/5/2008 11:47:04 PM)

Munches are often where you will hear references to other local events, some private, but some public or accessible to newcomers. And it's also a topic of conversation you can drop if the conversation lags or the talk flows naturally to that point. Someone may mention an event they've attended, or speak of one that's some months off but they just registered for, and you ask them politely for information about it. An anecdote (for instance) told about some moment at a club or a dungeon, and you can ask where is that? You might also ask whether there is a local email list for scene events in the area.

Good luck,

Delilah Deb



Gemini1766 -> RE: To find and becoming active in a de/pa/nj bdsm community (4/6/2008 1:34:16 AM)

One website that was offered up recently that has already put me in touch with part of the local community is DomSubFriends. Give them a try. See if it doesn't help you find something local to you.

Best wishes,
Grm.



Phin -> RE: To find and becoming active in a de/pa/nj bdsm community (4/6/2008 5:33:29 AM)

Frugal Domme has good listings on their site, http://www.frugaldomme.com/frugal.htm Look for the "groups in your area" link in the left hand frame.

many of the groups (at least around here) have newbie contacts that will sit with you talk about what goes on in the groups. Dont be afraid to ask questions. Everyone there has been to their first much/social.

quick things to remember

Dont interrupt a scene to ask questions, wait untill its done.
Ask who the host is, shake their hand, thank them for allowing you in their home. It will go a long way.
Dont be the one sitting in the corner if you do end up talking to a leach in the room you can walk away and ask for help. the good people in the room will outnumber the leaches.



SimplyMichael -> RE: To find and becoming active in a de/pa/nj bdsm community (4/6/2008 5:57:23 AM)

www.tes.org
www.blackrose.org

The rules at munches generally surround not offending vanillas and ensuring people are subtle enough that meeting in public doesn't cause anyone to fear being outed.  They often have rules about no fetish wear, not showing of bdsm toys, no kneeling etc.

Any group that requires you to do or show anything to anyone else, such as flash them, submit to them, etc. is on the far fringes of chatroom nuttery.

ALL that should be expected of you is to be vanilla, friendly, etc.  Remember that you are in a public place and trying to be discreet.  In general it is polite to ask what orientation someone is but not where they work or live.   Other than that, there don't tend to be any rules.

You fear making a mistake because that is the online crap they pull in chatrooms, the real world is very different, not perfect, but different.



MmeGigs -> RE: How do I get involved in local community? (4/6/2008 5:57:36 AM)

http://www.drkdesyre.com/  has a lot of information about local events all over the world.  Click on the "Meet People" link.  There are all kinds of events going on in your area.  There are contact links and usually links to a website with each listing.  Lots of groups have munch information (including rules) posted on their website. 

For the most part, the rules just amount to behaving in a manner that's appropriate to any public social gathering, but there are a couple of additional things to keep in mind with a kinky crowd.  Don't ask folks for personal information.  A lot of folks you'll meet need some anonymity, so questions like "Where do you work?" or "Do you know so-and-so?" that are great conversation starters in another context may not go over well at a munch.  If someone asks you for personal information, it's perfectly fine to tell them that you don't want to share that info.  Don't touch people or their stuff without their permission.  It can sometimes look like a bit of a free-for-all, but even if it looks like everyone is smooching the hostess, ask before doing it yourself. 




MmeGigs -> RE: How do I get involved in local community? (4/6/2008 7:01:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: flowered

I hate being confused and uncertain, and it is one of the major reasons I have yet to go to such an event, I am also a little shy when I first meet new people and going in all alone... I would do it, but wish to know what is expected.- any advice?
Have that ridiculous fear of
a) standing in a corner doing nothing til I go home
b) doing something wrong and inadvertantly offending someone
c) other



I hate being confused and uncertain, too.  That made it really tough for me to get to my first munch.  Like you, I was going alone.  I'm not much of a small-talker, I could hold up my end of a conversation but sucked at starting them, and I had an unfortunate tendency to come off as rather cold and aloof when I was really just nervous and had no idea what to say.  I really didn't want to wallflower.

I practiced smiling.  Really.  I didn't want to get nervous and put my unapproachable face on.  I gave some thought to how I'd walk up and introduce myself to someone.  I came up with some questions I could ask to start a conversation.  Stuff like, "This is my first munch.  Have you been to these before?"  "Can you recommend any websites or lists with local information?"  "Those boots are fabulous!  Would you tell me where you got them?"  "How is the food here?" (Don't ask this if it's pot luck.)  I picked out something to wear that I felt really good in, and I wore comfortable shoes.  Sore feet make me bitchy.  I did some relaxation exercises before I got out of the car.  I was still nervous, but I was prepared and I didn't feel that I was in danger of making a fool of myself.  I didn't make a fool of myself.  I met some great folks and had a wonderful time. 


One last thing.  In Minneapolis/St Paul, there is a Newbie Munch.  It's specifically intended to provide newbies with information on what's going on in the community, and lots of helpful oldbies attend.  There may be something like that in your area.  A local email list would be a good place to ask about it.

One last, last thing.  Munches come in all sizes, from a handful of people to hundreds.  A smaller munch might be more comfortable for your first munch, but if the munch you're going to go to is a big one show up right when it starts.  There will be fewer people there and it is more likely that someone will spot you as a newbie and have time to do some meeting and greeting.  Some big munches have designated greeters, but be ready to introduce yourself to folks.  Tell them it's your first time - lots of folks love to chat with newbies. 

Good luck! 



abcbsex -> RE: To find and becoming active in a de/pa/nj bdsm community (4/6/2008 8:01:21 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Phin

Frugal Domme has good listings on their site, http://www.frugaldomme.com/frugal.htm Look for the "groups in your area" link in the left hand frame.




Thank you so much for this! it took me to the yahoo group of a local group I've been trying to find contact info for! I'm eternally grateful!
-C



Archer -> RE: To find and becoming active in a de/pa/nj bdsm community (4/6/2008 9:55:07 AM)

As far as worrying about offending someone, I've found that  being new gets one alot of forgiveness for social faux pas. (not that I'm new anymore)

Those few folks who are unforgiving of such things are the ones that everyone knows are just that way and will rarely if ever mean anything other than. "Oh I see you've met Cuntess mucky muck and found out she's kinda nutso."

Relax, go, be yourself, be freindly, find something to compliment someone on and join the fun.

Few little warnings, new women can sometimes be viewed with the "she's gonna try to steal my Master from me" suspision. So be freidnly but watch flirting with anyone untill you have accertained their relationship status. But rest assured you're in an easier possition than the men who will all be viewed as a new wanker wannabe until they have proven otherwise. LOL



flowered -> RE: To find and becoming active in a de/pa/nj bdsm community (4/6/2008 1:46:04 PM)

Thanks you for the advice and bits of laughter- liked the links, guess i will have to wait til i have a weekend off for one of em- only ones i could find seemed to be in baltimore.

<3 the help



metalmiss -> RE: To find and becoming active in a de/pa/nj bdsm community (4/6/2008 4:01:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: flowered

Good to know they take pity on the nervous girl in the corner :)



In my experience here in the UK (which isn't EXACTLY relevant to you i know.. but i am working under the assumption that most of these things are at least somewhat similar) the people who run munches and also the regular attendees are always enthusiastic about speaking to new people who have come for the first time.
Places here almost always have a "meet and greet" scheme, and noone is ever left to stand or sit in the corner alone.
We all know what its like to go to a munch for the first time, the reluctance & the nerves. And alot of the people will usually make an effort to speak with and involve the new person in the various discussions happening at the time, introducing them to some of the regulars etc.
At least where i have been newbies are always welcome!



ResidentSadist -> RE: To find and becoming active in a de/pa/nj bdsm community (4/9/2008 12:32:33 AM)

Just go and be yourself.  Be poliically incorrect, introduce yourself to strangers with careless abandon and feel free to do something wrong and inadvertantly offend as many people as you wish. 
 
Real life is nowhere near as full of competitive posturing assholes as online communities are.



HalloweenWhite -> RE: How do I get involved in local community? (4/9/2008 4:21:16 AM)

This has probably been said before, but have you tried "Informed Consent"?.



DesFIP -> RE: How do I get involved in local community? (4/9/2008 4:25:54 AM)

Philly area groups here
http://www.domsubfriends.com/cgi-local/wwwdir/db.cgi?db=org&uid=default&state=PENNSYLVANIA&view_records=View+Records&ww=on



Dnomyar -> RE: How do I get involved in local community? (4/9/2008 4:32:08 AM)

Bops Leatherist on top of the head. Mmmmm now your the right size and you look heavier.



Deliena -> RE: To find and becoming active in a de/pa/nj bdsm community (4/12/2008 3:33:47 AM)

The UK scene can be difficult in smaller / more remote areas (I imagine the US suffers the same problem in the same sorts of geographical locations).

Would like to find more of a scene here in the North East - but maybe it's just too cold? LOL



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