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Passive aggressive behavior vs learning disabilities - 4/4/2008 5:57:35 PM

OpeningMySoul

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I have learning disabilities(LD's) that can often appear as if I am being passive aggressive. So with every dominant that I have been with, I have been quite up front about the fact that while my heart is in the right place, it might at times appear otherwise. For instance, I will think that I comprehend a request, only to find out afterwards that I completely misunderstood (partly because I am quite literal). Or I will altogether forget the request was asked, even when it is brought to my attention later on. In asking one of my ex's, of how often did I forget things? He stated that it was about every weekend, and he just worked with it. He also commented that at first he was quite annoyed, as he perceived it as passive aggressive behavior on my part, especially since my actions/inactions appeared out of character. Yet it was not until he realized that it was just the way I functioned/an aspect of my LD's that he was able to accept it. So my questions are... Have you ever dealt with a behavior that you perceived as passive aggressive, but was something else completely? How would you react if you were the dominant, knowing the above issues? How have you dealt with learning disabilities that have interfered with your expectations of yourself, the dominant/submissive you are with and/or the relationship? How have you reacted to a behavior before and then after you realized the extent of that individuals learning disabilities? Have certain aspects of a person's LD's, been such a turn off.. that you felt the need to end a relationship? Thanks.. BTW. my learning disabilities are: auditory processing (http://www.ncld.org/content/view/473/391/ ) dyslexia (http://www.ncld.org/content/view/454/391/ ) and ADHD (http://www.ncld.org/content/view/476/391/ ) Please also note, that I do not use my LD's as a crutch.

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RE: Passive aggressive behavior vs learning disabilities - 4/4/2008 6:06:00 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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It depends on how compatible we were. There are things I suck at that I think on a semi regular basis irk the crap out of us both. There are things he sucks at that on a regular basis irk the crap out of us both. Basically 90% of the time, we're hysterical with bliss for eachother.

But 10% of the time, it's just one irk too many, too many other tiring things to deal with and we're not having fun.

We work on them, we improve, but there are some things that I just accept as part of who we are- I think in some ways it makes me more grateful for the 90% :)

So it would have a lot to do with- how compatible are we otherwise, exactly what issue is this and how important does it fit into the whole, is there steady improvement and focus to change, and what is the intent. If all of those aligned well, then it's not a big deal really at all.

But you mentioned something that makes the person an immediate reject- using their disability as an excuse.

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RE: Passive aggressive behavior vs learning disabilities - 4/4/2008 6:13:58 PM

PanthersMom

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one of my boys has your disabilities as well as being mildly autistic, a condition known as aspergers syndrome. he also forgets things or misunderstands instructions. it's just something that once you learn what it is and how it affects the person you're with, you really only have two choices. either love them and live with it or turn around and walk away. i'd wonder about someone who would walk away.
PM

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RE: Passive aggressive behavior vs learning disabilities - 4/4/2008 6:28:56 PM

Leatherist

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I'd wonder too, if I wasn't thier parent. If not?

Is there anything that says you have a duty to be someone's caretaker?

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RE: Passive aggressive behavior vs learning disabilities - 4/4/2008 6:35:00 PM

xxblushesxx

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I suppose, Leatherist, that before a committment is made, than no committment is expected.
I would also hope that there would be those who could see past such things, and into the heart.
ADD OCD slave...

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RE: Passive aggressive behavior vs learning disabilities - 4/4/2008 6:36:17 PM

Leatherist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

I suppose, Leatherist, that before a committment is made, than no committment is expected.
I would also hope that there would be those who could see past such things, and into the heart.
ADD OCD slave...

Love does not conquer all-and some people are too disabled-or too stubborn to be effectively managed. Especially by someone not trained to do so.

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My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

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RE: Passive aggressive behavior vs learning disabilities - 4/4/2008 6:38:09 PM

kiwisub12

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I have a couple of kids that have ADD. I read every book I could find on the subject when I first found out the diagnosis. My Ex did not. I was able to work within their perameters, he was not. It wasn't until we divorced that he finally read a book about the subject - he started to tell me things I had known for years. But, finally, he understood that the kids weren't being deliberately annoying - or lazy (the label I really objected to!)

The point being if you and your dom are having problems, give him a book or article about your situation. If he cares about you in any way, he will read it and find ways to get around the problem engendered by your situation.
Good luck

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 7

RE: Passive aggressive behavior vs learning disabilities - 4/4/2008 6:43:06 PM

Leatherist

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Going in to see a mental health professional who knows how to deal with these issues helps a great deal as well-especially with effective mediction to help overcome nervous disorders-and help focus and retention.

That's pretty much the only way I would take on someone like this.

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RE: Passive aggressive behavior vs learning disabilities - 4/4/2008 6:44:55 PM

MsHonor

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Personally, I wouldn't see it as a huge issue. If there was enough between us to commend a good working relationship, I'd simply make the considerations part of my management of the situation... There's no point in trying to make a cat into a dog. You'd both be happer if you just go get a dog, you know?

I think, obviously, you'll need a dominant who's very capable and secure in themselves... Someone with the flexibility to recognize that loyalty, dedication, and affection are matters of and reflections on ablity, and don't always look exactly the same from person to person.

I think you're going about it properly, letting people know up front as best you can, so that they can be aware of it. You might, once conversation progresses to that point, given them specific examples as best you can recall them... That way, you can both work on solutions that will work for you.

(in reply to Leatherist)

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RE: Passive aggressive behavior vs learning disabilities - 4/4/2008 8:29:33 PM

PanthersMom

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Going in to see a mental health professional who knows how to deal with these issues helps a great deal as well-especially with effective mediction to help overcome nervous disorders-and help focus and retention.

That's pretty much the only way I would take on someone like this.

therapy isn't going to solve the day to day difficulties and in a case such as this can only offer coping techniques to the patient and their partner. medication doesn't solve it either. it's something you learn to adjust to and live with. no one said anything about being a caretaker, but admitting that human beings have frailties and nobody is perfect when faced with this choice goes a long way. ideally when one enters into a long term relationship you agree that you will be there for each other, through the good and the bad, including illness or injury. i would seriously question a person's character if they were only there for the fun and games but when things get sticky they split. but then again, i've been through this situation on both sides, with his disability and with mine. sometimes you just have to walk that mile before you understand.
PM
edited for lousy spelling

< Message edited by PanthersMom -- 4/4/2008 8:30:25 PM >

_____________________________

That which does not kill me, better run pretty damn fast

I miss my ex, but my aim is improving!

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RE: Passive aggressive behavior vs learning disabilities - 4/4/2008 8:47:43 PM

YourhandMyAss

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Due to past several horrible experinces with mentally ill and mentally unstable people I wouldn't choose a partner with mental illnesses or mental instabilities. Please not I am NOT equating mentally ill with being mentally unstable, I am refering to them as two diffrent catagories.

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

I suppose, Leatherist, that before a committment is made, than no committment is expected.
I would also hope that there would be those who could see past such things, and into the heart.
ADD OCD slave...

< Message edited by YourhandMyAss -- 4/4/2008 8:51:40 PM >

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 11

RE: Passive aggressive behavior vs learning disabilities - 4/4/2008 9:54:47 PM

Missokyst

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I am dyslexic and was well before the years they diagnosed such things. I learned to compensate, as did most people who had learning disabilities. There sure wasn't much choice for anything else. They assumed I couldn't function like the other kids. But in fact I was reading faster and was pages ahead because I HAD to do it that way to translate it back for the normal people world. My brother might have been classified as ADD ADHD, since he was difficult to reign in or control. Then he found art and found brilliance within. Turns out he was exceptionally intelligent, just bored stiff! I think the problem I have with labeling kids is that it shoves them into programs where the world is forced to dance around them. And I have to wonder if sometimes labels are there to make things easier for educators. Not to help the child, but to give those fingers somewhere to point when things dont go smoothly.
It is kind of hard for me to see LDs as making people lazy. I worked very hard on my own time to get around in the world and read 1000 wmp by the time I was 12.

(in reply to kiwisub12)

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RE: Passive aggressive behavior vs learning disabilities - 4/4/2008 9:59:00 PM

SimplyMichael

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YourhandMyAss

quote:

Due to past several horrible experinces with mentally ill and mentally unstable people I wouldn't choose a partner with mental illnesses or mental instabilities. Please not I am NOT equating mentally ill with being mentally unstable, I am refering to them as two diffrent catagories.

The only person in this thread talking about mental illness is you. Having a learning disability has ZERO to do with mental illness or "instabilities" which is some term you made up. Please educate yourself on the difference before you chime in.

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Post #: 13

RE: Passive aggressive behavior vs learning disabilities - 4/4/2008 10:10:44 PM

SimplyMichael

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I have ADHD, some portions of my working memory are in the 2 and 9 percentiles of humanity and considering the state of humanity, there are probably coma patients who remember things better than I do. Working memory is the short term stuff, like remembering phone numbers, my long term memory is fine and my mental acuity is in the top 98 percentile. In short, I am smarter than most people, I just can't remember which ones.

Dealing with someone with learning disabilities is no different than dealing with a normal person. You learn how best to communicate with them and employ that method. In the case of someone with ADHD who can't remember things well, you write stuff down, you create to-do lists for them. Same as if they spoke French, if you don't speak French to them, you aren't going to communicate much.

You also have to deal with their tendency to get distracted by whatever seems the most shiny. If you want them to complete a long term task, you write it down. Time management is often an issue, it certainly is for me, but I can multitask better than most people and in a crisis I am as calm as can be and I am in my element.

The medicine helps but oh my god do I hate amphetamines which is the most common drug given to treat it. It helps you focus all right but sometimes you realize it is 2am and the bathroom has never been cleaner! Personally, I would give away some intelligence to offset the PIA that ADHD is.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand (see, something shiny...) dealing with someone with issues isn't really much different than dealing with anyone else. You get good with the bad and you have to decide what is and isn't important to you in a partner.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

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RE: Passive aggressive behavior vs learning disabilities - 4/4/2008 10:19:23 PM

gypsygrl

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quote:

Personally, I would give away some intelligence to offset the PIA that ADHD is.

*sighs*

I dunno what my problem is but I know it's related to my intellectual abilities. And, yes I would gladly trade some of those abilities in order to feel a little bit more at ease in the world.

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RE: Passive aggressive behavior vs learning disabilities - 4/4/2008 10:55:46 PM

YourhandMyAss

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I have found that to be true with myself, but more than shiney things, distracting me, I forget previous things he's said if he piles more into the basket, so to speak. It's kind of like the new requests shove the old ones out.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

.

You also have to deal with their tendency to get distracted by whatever seems the most shiny.

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Post #: 16

RE: Passive aggressive behavior vs learning disabilities - 4/5/2008 10:00:24 AM

OpeningMySoul

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Leatherist - unfortunately medication is usually not the answer... especially in my case, since most(not all) of my LD's are associated with memory/verbal/social interactions. Yet, I will admit that if there was a pill that would remove some of the day to day issues... I would take it in a heart beat. YourhandMyAss - LD's are not considered a mental illnesses/nor are individuals mentally unstable because of it. Emotionally unstable possibly, since LD's can effect how one perceives themselves... but mentally unstable no. ... The way I look at LD's is that everyone has areas in their life that they can and can't do. For instance if someone is tone deaf, you can't expect them recognize a note, or to be able to sing. Yet, they might be able to press the keys on a keyboard in the correct pattern to form a song. LD's are similar, in that there are things that one cannot do, but it does not mean that there are not ways to work with it/work around it that might end up producing results, and sometimes those results can be better then expected. The reason why I brought up this topic is, I keep running into dominants, that don't understand LD's (even after explaining/providing articles on the subject) or they expect that they have easy fixes for things that I have struggled with my whole life, and/or they are so set in their expectations of what they want that they can't see past the fact, that while my heart might fit their mold, but my LD's don't. ..

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RE: Passive aggressive behavior vs learning disabilities - 4/5/2008 11:02:53 AM

cuffncollar

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Everyone has a learning disablility to some extent on the spectrum. Even being gifted is considered a disability. The key is how you make the needed modifications to get through life. OpeningMySoul, as a teacher of special ed and having a disability myself, I would suggest that since auditory seems to be the problem for you, that you write down the requests so that you can have a visual to remind you of the request. Using the other senses may help you to overcome auditory deficiencies.

(in reply to OpeningMySoul)

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RE: Passive aggressive behavior vs learning disabilities - 4/5/2008 1:51:22 PM

Sirsinini

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I will share my own experience.
When I was in grade school dyslexia and auditory processing were NOT LD's. So I endured rather poor report cards and great difficulty with testing in college.
Now there is more than a dozen types of dyslexia identified and one attached to stuttering, something I am also afflicted with.

Those who don't know much about LD's commonly identify them as mental illness. Those are the truly unenlightened and ill informed.

I also do not think I ever used my reactionary passive aggressive nature as an excuse for any of my LD's. I see in no way how they could even cross into the same dish of goods, even by the examples OpeningMySoul gives.

If I simply cannot process an auditory command from my Sir, I fail to see why or comprehend why a passive aggressive bahaviour comes from that. Frustration yes, but not PA behaviour.

I do have social anxiety, PTSD and I do have reactionary passive aggressive behaviour in response to issues in that arena. At times severely. But to my LD's?

I have been in learning environments of children with mild to severe LD's the last 7 years (not only being the nurse of such children, but a teaching aide in Special ED) and as I search my brain, I cant remember any of them using passive aggressive behaviour in reaction to their LD's or to things like global developmental delays and Autism.

Just my opinion on this issue.

Sir's devoted property.... the most patient of Sir's

< Message edited by Sirsinini -- 4/5/2008 1:52:14 PM >

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RE: Passive aggressive behavior vs learning disabilities - 4/5/2008 2:07:35 PM

Sirsinini

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To point out ~~

"Mental illness and mental instability" are more in tune with OCD and RPA but definitely NOT LD's.

But to confuse the matters even more, those with global developmental delays CAN also be afflicted with mental illness.

Having LD's does NOT mean one has global developmental delays.

Have I sufficiently confused some of you?

Sir's devoted stuttering dyslexic reactionary passive aggressive socially shy property,
which makes NO difference when one is required to obey.

(in reply to Sirsinini)

Post #: 20

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