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negotiations.. - 4/3/2008 10:42:10 AM

ifyoudontknow

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As a relative newbie here and to the lifestyle, I'd like to ask if there are articles or books on "negotiations". Specifically geared towards the lifestyle. I can deal with used car salesmen satisfactorily. ; )

Thanks ahead of time for all Y/your input!

mel

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RE: negotiations.. - 4/3/2008 10:52:23 AM

OmegaG

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http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=bdsm%2C+negotiations

However, I'm part of the camp that doesn't use negotiations much. He knows my phobias, he knows where my ethical line is drawn. Beyond that, whatever his black little heart desires is fair game.

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RE: negotiations.. - 4/3/2008 11:22:13 AM

Dnomyar

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There are a lot of list floating around the internet. Look them up and find one that suits you or use them to make one of your own.

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RE: negotiations.. - 4/3/2008 11:31:30 AM

SteelofUtah

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Negotioations aren't the kind of thing you should use a book to decide. Each is as unique as the individual making them.

Sit down and TALK with the person LET THEM KNOW where you are and what you are looking for and then ASK THEM are they willing to respect that.

Then ASK THEM what they plan on doing, and VERBALLY EXPLAIN what is okay and what is NOT okay with you

And once you have all agreed. HAVE FUN!!

Hope that helps.

Steel

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RE: negotiations.. - 4/3/2008 11:43:43 AM

SimplyMichael

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I think when you are new, negotiation is an important process for a variety of reasons. Some move past it, others embrace it. Jay Wiseman almost makes a fetish of it.

I can't imagine starting out in BDSM without a copy of SM101 and Screw the Roses. Even if later you reject everything in them, they are a wonderful place to start. Heck, I just bought a copy of Screw the Roses as I had given mine away so long ago I can't even remember who I gave it to.

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RE: negotiations.. - 4/3/2008 11:54:04 AM

TwistedLeather

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i don't believe in negotiations. You are what you are, and HE is what he is. You have to find someone compatible with yourself. As SteelofUtah said, it's about talking... open and honest communication at all times. Then it's just a matter of finding your limits and knowing where the lines are drawn. i think i'd rip out my hair if i had to negotiate my servitude, especially since it changes from person to person based on the level of trust.

But if you feel you have to negotiate it... find out all you can about everything you're interested in, and everything you wouldn't be willing to do. Knowledge is key when you're discussing this kind of thing with someone else. Best of luck!

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RE: negotiations.. - 4/3/2008 12:02:26 PM

tinkerbelle3

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Being new, I think that it's fair of you to explore all sorts of things to see what 'fits' you. That includes negotiations. I would advise first though that you sit and make a list of all of your needs and then your wants. Then, visit that list often and make changes as you grow. 'Cuz really, how are you gonna negotiate unless you're really clear on what it is you need and want?

Just my 2 cents. -tinkerbelle3

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RE: negotiations.. - 4/3/2008 12:18:15 PM

thetammyjo

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Frankly any decent introduction to BDSM book should have plenty to say about negotiations.

You could try "SM 101" or other such books. Look for BDSM and introduction on Amazon.com perhaps to find other suggestions and read the reviews before your spend your cash.

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RE: negotiations.. - 4/3/2008 1:00:49 PM

DarkVictory

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When I begin the 'conversation' with a new girl, I begin with a checklist. It's a loooong list of all kinds of S/M, B/D, D/S, M/S, Sex, fetish, etc interests, activities. Each one is marked yes/no as in done/not-done before, and a scale of 0 to 5 - with 0 being totally turned off by it or the thought of it, and 5 being the hottest thing ever. Also, any no or 0 can be marked with a * to indicate a limit or complete refusal.

This form is incredibly useful, not as a list, but as a place to start having conversations from and about. It also gives a girl a quiet and private opportunity to indicate an interest in something she'd never admit to verbally.

Once the conversation begins, negotiation is really just two adults having a protracted conversation about likes, dislikes, desires, fantasies, etc. I like this part of the process a lot. It lets me into the head of the girl, and it exposes me to her as well.

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RE: negotiations.. - 4/3/2008 1:17:08 PM

LadyPaige

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Negotiation is when you communicate what you/they like, what you/they don't like, what scares you/them, what grosses you/them out, etc... I don't think a book is necessary, even for a novice, just communicate and ask what they plan to do (or possibly do if you don't want to know exactly what to expect). Checklists are great for continuing relationships since it's such a great source of ready information and ideas. When I punish I choose something that is not desirable, but not a limit. When I reward I may pick a new activity or something I haven't done in a while and may not have thought of just then. I think the most important factor before you play is trust, because if the top can't be trusted then negotiation is irrelevant.

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RE: negotiations.. - 4/4/2008 3:12:54 AM

MaamJay

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Here's a reading list I give to subs to educate them about negotiations ... though I also support the books mentioned by others. This should keep you busy!

Negotiations:
PRE-MEETING
http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/ravenpremeetchecklist.htm
SCENE
http://vanilla-not.com/basics/negotiations.html
http://www.fetishexchange.org/scene-nego.shtml
http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/deckneg.html
http://www.sexuality.org/authors/lauren/Negotiation.html
PRO SCENE
http://www.webmistress.org/crave/neg.html
SCENE and LIFESTYLE
http://www.bdsmcircle.net/dslifestyle/negociation.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negotiation_(BDSM)
http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/ravennegotiation.htm
http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/ravennegotiate24-7.htm
Play Checklist:
http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/electricplaylist.htm

Maam Jay aka violet[A]
PS and while I agree that after a while with someone, negotiation becomes minor if present at all, I think it's important to have some ideas of how to specifically negotiate within this lifestyle when first starting out.

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RE: negotiations.. - 4/4/2008 4:44:02 AM

Aileen1968

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I negotiate by just talking about likes and dislikes. To actually sit down and negotiate a scene in detail would make everything lose it's appeal for me. I like spontaneity and being on the edge. I like not knowing what's going to happen next.
Negotiations take all of that away. I know if we're kink compatible long before we meet.

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RE: negotiations.. - 4/4/2008 5:06:20 AM

epiphany

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I agree that with someone who is new negotiation can be an important tool. When I started out I had a lot of bounderies and limits that I don't have now (for play and relationships). I wanted to make sure I communicated where my comfort level was with anyone I played with, and checklists and negotiation tools helped me to think of things to discuss I might otherwise not have otherwise. There is a lot out there to consider.

For Play:

You also want to make sure you communicate any health issues that might be a problem during a scene...back problems, ciculation, allergies (latex comes to mind), panic attacks, ect. and any meds you might need should an emergencie come up.

   Don't feel the need to try something you aren't ready for, things will happen at their own pace. I am now in love with a few things that use to be hard limits for me.

I still negotiate scenes with anyone other than my owner. He has limits on what I can and can't do with others, and I make sure those are known and respected.

D/s Relationships:

    Well, thats a very personal thing and unique to each situation. You have to decide when and how much you are willing to give another based on your relationship with that person.

   SM 101 and Screw the Roses ....Now I'm wondering where mine are...damn, I think I loaned mine out too.

epiphany

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RE: negotiations.. - 4/4/2008 6:14:07 AM

ifyoudontknow

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Thanks for all the input, i will look into those books and articles!

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