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mistoferin -> Personal responsibility and being a victim (3/31/2008 10:42:15 AM)
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Please don't confuse what I am about to say with "victim blaming". That is not at all what I am doing. It seems like everywhere I turn lately someone is identifying as a victim. Yup it happens, at some point in our lives the likelihood that we will be a victim of something or someone is pretty damn high. What I find interesting though is that all too often people attach the victim label to themselves but rarely ever see their own responsibility of their victimization.
Now I can tell you that I've had more than my fair share of turns at being a victim myself. But looking backwards with brutal honesty, I have to also admit that I can not think of even one instance of my own victimization that I did not play some role in (car accidents and such excluded). Whether it was naivety, poor decision making or poor judgment, lack of applying common sense, not listening to my inner voice, placing myself in high risk situations, moving too fast or even Love is irrelevant. What is relevant is that I did have a degree of personal responsibility.
When I have looked back over it all honestly...and I mean VERY honestly...I had to accept the fact that I did have some degree of responsibility that I had to face...some thing that I did or didn't do that enabled my victimization. I had to face the fact that I had, in some however small way, VOLUNTEERED myself to be a victim. It was in the understanding and acceptance of that fact that I was able to learn the lessons that were provided and move forward.
At the age of 18 I was violently and brutally raped by two men....a stranger assault. I was very much their victim...and nearly killed. Now let me make it clear, I don't think that there is anything that I did that would lead me to accept the blame for the event...and I don't feel guilty in the slightest. There is nothing that I feel that I did that JUSTIFIED what was done to me. But there were things that I did that made it possible to occur and understanding, accepting and taking responsibility for those things is what allowed me to move forward.....lessons learned. It happened at night and I was hitch hiking. Despite being told over and over, as all of us have, that hitch hiking is an activity that carries a certain degree of risk, I chose to ignore those warnings and stick my thumb out. Now did that make what they did acceptable? Oh HELL NO! Actually, if I had been hitch hiking naked wearing a sign that said "Rape Me" it wouldn't have made me any less of a victim. But I did have to accept responsibility for my part, to forgive myself for my part, to learn the lesson that was there as a result of my part. By sticking my thumb out I volunteered to be their victim. I was not only a victim of their's, but I was also a victim of my own poor judgment.
I was the victim of domestic violence for far too long. One could say that the first time it occurred that I was a victim of him. If I look back at it really honestly though I have to say there were warning signs leading up to it that I ignored. But I, for many reasons, chose to discount or ignore them. We were living together for 8 (sober) years before he fell off the wagon and the first incident happened and I was blown away by it. From that very moment forward though I can't in honesty say that I remained HIS victim. My continued very presence made it possible for his continued abuse. I was VOLUNTEERING to be his victim from that first day on. I became a victim of my own action/inaction. For many reasons I stayed..."but I love him"..."he needs me"..."I can't make it financially without him"..."it's not him, it's his disease (alcohol)", "but he's my MASTER and I am committed to being his SLAVE so I have to accept this"...etc., etc. Some of those reasons seemed very valid at the time. All of them were MY personal responsibility though. When that realization finally hit me it was a bitter pill to swallow...but once again I had to accept the responsibility for my part, forgive myself for my part...and once again to learn the lesson provided.
Those are just a couple of examples and I could go on but I think it gives you an idea of what I mean. We all are capable of being victims. No one is immune no matter how together you think you are, how self sufficient you think you are, how tough you think you are, etc. But when I really look at it I come to the realization that there are very few instances where we are victims without some degree of responsibility in our victimization.
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