quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

I'm not seeing it as PA, as I'm not seeing any manipulation.  The "privacy" thing... your example isn't what I meant.  It would be like her finding a "love note" to another women as a text message on your phone (when you've agreed to be monogamous). Instead of owning up to your error, you attack her for invading your privacy by snooping through your phone.  It's a deflection of guilt technique - whether she should have been on your phone or not is irrelevant to your misdeed.

She had no right to demand to know what you were doing with your time. The better response from you might have been to remind her of that, and to redirect the conversation back to the issue at hand. 

I agree that you could have handled the whole thing better by being more honest with YOURSELF on what was going on.

Cali

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
My issues are different than yours but this IS what I love about bdsm.  To do it well you need to look inward and develop genuine self awareness, not perfection but awareness of where your issues lie.  Frankly, as fucked up as you may feel, just being aware of and examining yourself as you are now puts you ahead of 90% of the people who participate in our so-called lifestyle.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

If there were any passive-aggressive behaviors in your example, I missed them. You told her you were going to move in, while trying to convince yourself that it would happen. That's not PA, that's misguided good intentions. LOL. There were no manipulations in there, no saying something just to get her to shut up when you had NO intention of following through, etc.

And the "aggressive" part of "passive-aggressive" has nothing to do with physical aggression, just to make that clear to anyone reading.

PA means things like:

1. Agreeing to go somewhere you don't really want to go, then taking so long to get ready that you can't go. In the end, you got what you wanted (not going), but you were not honest about it up front by just saying "no, I'm not going". You manipulated the situation so you didn't have to go, after you agreed to go.

2. Agreeing to make a dessert to bring to your inlaws, even though you don't want to, then not only NOT making the dessert, but wasting so much time that you can't even pick up a dessert at the bakery to bring. In the end you got what you wanted by manipulating the situation.

3. Telling you that you can pick out a present for your birthday, then getting you something else (probably something cheap and cheesy), and claiming they never told you that you could pick out something. (selective memory)

4. Agreeing to do a chore (but secretly having no intention of doing it), but stalling so long on it or doing it so poorly that you end up doing it yourself. Then they claim you're just too impatient.

5. When caught doing something inappropriate, tries to deflect the blame to you or someone else... the old "you were invading my privacy" line.

Cali