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RE: boundaries - 3/25/2008 12:43:46 PM

sassysexygirl

Posts: 213
Joined: 8/23/2007
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greetings hissweetbella !!

OMG, been there and done that .... this exact same scenario. last year i was with a Dom who i told any number of times, i NEEDED consistency. i would rather hear "i'll try to call later" then "i'll call later," etc. i mentioned it and we discussed it, any number of times.

then, one night i had AGAIN discussed with Him in full how much it hurt, bothered and upset me. He said He'd be more careful. the next day, He was flying home and i asked Him to call or text when He arrived so i knew He was safe. He promised He would. 3:00, 4:00, 5:00 all go by, no call. at 6:00 He called that He had fallen asleep, oh-so-sorry for not calling, and please call me at 6:30 so i'm awake for a meeting. i broke off the relationship.

it sucked, it hurt, but He was unable or unwilling to do something that was extremely important to me. so i made the right choice, for me. i don't know if this is the right choice for you, but as has been told to you, you have done all you can. the ball is in His court. now you have 2 choices: stay, deal and be quiet about it; or leave and find someone that can do what you need Him to do. You can't do anything about Him bella. you can only do things about yourself.

well wishes to you, and good luck
gemmie

< Message edited by sassysexygirl -- 3/25/2008 12:49:07 PM >

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RE: boundaries - 3/25/2008 1:06:14 PM

hissweetbella

Posts: 52
Joined: 3/22/2008
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Thank you AquaticSub, CreativeDominant, Maestro66babycak, and Sassysexygirl. i have tried to be patient the last two months, trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, thinking perhaps something is stressing him, but i don't believe for one moment that is actually the case. He has said himself, every single time this has happened, that he wanted to call, knew he should call, but knew he had "screwed up" (his words, not mine) and knew it was silly but was afraid to call because he thought i would blow up. i have NEVER blown up at him. i have never raised my voice to him or expressed my anger in anything other than a calm, gentle voice -- and then immediately let it go. i have never met anyone who avoids confrontation as he does, and i'm not sure where it comes from. His explanation is that it is because his last girlfriend was so violent. Seems to me it would have to go much deeper than that, though.

Is this passive agressive behavior? Not that it would make a difference either way, but it would be nice to begin to understand why he does this.

CreativeDominant, you said to not mention the behavior. Is that not like accepting the behavior? Maybe i just have an idealistic view, but i still have hope that we can work this out. He went a long time without doing this.

Then again, maybe he is just losing interest, despite everything he says?

No, i have made sure i don't come across as needy or clingy. He has complained a few times after we first started seeing each other that he wanted me to call more often and tell him i miss him and love him more often. i just told him i am an old-fashioned girl and prefer that he calls me when he wants to talk, and then make sure i am receptive and happy to hear from him. i've also started telling him i love him and miss him more, but not overboard in any way.

Hope this helps to clarify things.

< Message edited by hissweetbella -- 3/25/2008 1:07:09 PM >

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RE: boundaries - 3/25/2008 1:06:29 PM

sweetwenchie

Posts: 1993
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Sacramento, California
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Oh i have been in that position. The best advice i can offer is to let him know that his actions are endangering the relationship. If you continue to allow him to get away with not keeping his word to you, then he will take for granted the notion that he can keep doing so with impunity. i think deep down you know what your choices are. You can either accept things they way they are (if he is unwilling or unable to modify his behaviour) or you can walk away from him, and find someone who is better suited to your needs. If you truly do not want the kind of relationship where one partner pulls a vanishing act, and he wants to be able to do just that, neither of you sound well suited for the other.

good luck whatever happens...

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"To make oneself an object, to make oneself passive, is a very different thing from being a passive object." - De Beauvoir

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RE: boundaries - 3/25/2008 1:08:33 PM

hissweetbella

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetwenchie

Oh i have been in that position. The best advice i can offer is to let him know that his actions are endangering the relationship. If you continue to allow him to get away with not keeping his word to you, then he will take for granted the notion that he can keep doing so with impunity. i think deep down you know what your choices are. You can either accept things they way they are (if he is unwilling or unable to modify his behaviour) or you can walk away from him, and find someone who is better suited to your needs. If you truly do not want the kind of relationship where one partner pulls a vanishing act, and he wants to be able to do just that, neither of you sound well suited for the other.

good luck whatever happens...

Thank you, sweetwenchie. i appreciate your words of support.

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RE: boundaries - 3/25/2008 3:55:44 PM

Evility

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Joined: 12/19/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: hissweetbella
Is there a proper way to communicate, "i can't handle this and it needs to stop now," without it sounding like i am trying to control the relationship

Nope. You can't have your cake and eat it to. Do whatever you have to do and say whatever you have to say but stop trying to slide it under the table and make it look like it's something that it is not. If you need to set boundaries then set them, by all means... but accept that you are taking on a certain measure of control in the relationship by doing so.

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RE: boundaries - 3/25/2008 8:27:53 PM

TemptingNviceSub

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To the OP...well not being a therapist, I know not how much his behavior is from past baggage..it could be he is subconsciously testing to see if you will become more vociferous if he does this avoidance thing...for me personally, if I have discussed and tried to be open and honest as to the difficulty of this situation, especially since it is a LDR and more needful of some kind of contact, then I would simply only answer when he calls and be somewhat aloof..distant..and believe me this would be no act..he more than likely would not hear the I love you's or the I miss you's..he would get a pleasant shallow conversation, as I continued to emotionally distance myself from him ......believe me he WILL notice this absence of anything approaching a connection in any way shape or form..when he does, he will either step up to the plate like a Dominant..or eventually you will absolutely no longer feel submissive towards him..and the trust within the relationship will be gone. Sad way to end things, but then again endings tend to be sad...Tempting

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RE: boundaries - 3/26/2008 6:12:16 AM

ifyoudontknow

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I feel for you bella... i went thru this with my former Master. And at the end, when he had been silent for almost 4 weeks. I knew it was over. Found out he had decided he needed a vanilla girl to marry and have his kids, and basically abandoned me without a word. Hang in there... not all Dominants are like that *smiles*

mel

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RE: boundaries - 3/26/2008 8:00:34 AM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: hissweetbella

Thank you AquaticSub, CreativeDominant, Maestro66babycak, and Sassysexygirl. i have tried to be patient the last two months, trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, thinking perhaps something is stressing him, but i don't believe for one moment that is actually the case. He has said himself, every single time this has happened, that he wanted to call, knew he should call, but knew he had "screwed up" (his words, not mine) and knew it was silly but was afraid to call because he thought i would blow up. i have NEVER blown up at him. i have never raised my voice to him or expressed my anger in anything other than a calm, gentle voice -- and then immediately let it go. i have never met anyone who avoids confrontation as he does, and i'm not sure where it comes from. His explanation is that it is because his last girlfriend was so violent. Seems to me it would have to go much deeper than that, though.

Is this passive agressive behavior? Not that it would make a difference either way, but it would be nice to begin to understand why he does this.

CreativeDominant, you said to not mention the behavior. Is that not like accepting the behavior? Maybe i just have an idealistic view, but i still have hope that we can work this out. He went a long time without doing this.

Then again, maybe he is just losing interest, despite everything he says?

No, i have made sure i don't come across as needy or clingy. He has complained a few times after we first started seeing each other that he wanted me to call more often and tell him i miss him and love him more often. i just told him i am an old-fashioned girl and prefer that he calls me when he wants to talk, and then make sure i am receptive and happy to hear from him. i've also started telling him i love him and miss him more, but not overboard in any way.

Hope this helps to clarify things.

CreativeDominant, you said to not mention the behavior. Is that not like accepting the behavior? Maybe i just have an idealistic view, but i still have hope that we can work this out. He went a long time without doing this.

***No...actually, it is different. When you combine not contacting him along with only taking HIS calls and responding to HIS mails along with not mentioning the behavior EACH TIME you speak with him, he will either get the idea or he won't. Speaking as a man...and as a dominant...most of us do not take kindly to being reminded each and every time we speak with someone that we are fucking up. And, to look at it even more objectively...he claims to be an adult dominant. With his own issues of course but I am one of those who tends to think that I should let My past issues clarify and light the way for My own...hopefully improved...behavior this time around. You have already told him he is fucking up. He knows it. You're not mentioning it BUT giving it a wait and see period in which you are not the one doing the pursuing, you are not the one doing all the work of contact, you giving him the chance to pursue and show the interest he has said he feels and which you have told him you need will give you a clearer picture of how much he really wants to meet your NEED...not your wants, but your NEED. If he does not follow through, then beating him over the head with it is not going to work. And...if you choose to allow it to continue for a long enough time...and only you can decide how long a trial you will give it...then you HAVE accepted the behavior and in all honesty, at that point, you have SUBMITTED to it.

In terms of losing interest...unfortunately, that is exactly the way that some people handle that oh so sticky issue of lost/losing interest...by protesting that they are interested and apologizing for the behavior and then continuing said behavior.

***Of course he wants to hear "I love you...I need you...I miss you". It strokes the male ego to hear these things from the women in our lives. Hell, it strokes most partner's egos to hear that. But here comes MY opinion...a good man not only wants to hear it but knows he has a responsibility to make sure his girl knows that he feels the same, UNLESS he has made it clear from the very start that he is not an openly expressionistic type of person. But...if he had done that at the start, you probably would have asked him "Can we get past that? Because if we can't, I can't be in a relationship with you. I need to hear it as much...if not more so...than you." It happens, sadly...with women too. I have broken off relationships...both friendly and of a romantic nature...in which I felt that I was the one doing the majority of the work. And yeah, sometimes the work is the contact.

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