RE: Just takes time or lost cause?

RE: Just takes time or lost cause? (Full Version)

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xxblushesxx -> RE: Just takes time or lost cause? (3/20/2008 5:49:24 PM)
Are you sure the agreement you had with your husband will hold up in court? What I'm asking is; why do you have to move out of the house with the kids if hubbie has a new fling? Seems the best thing to do is to stay there with the ums, he moves out, and life continues on as usual. If hubby is the one making the house payment, well, that is child support, and then you take care of the rest. I don't think many judges will ask you and the children to move so hubby can move in the new lady.

MasterWilliam55 -> RE: Just takes time or lost cause? (3/20/2008 5:53:49 PM)
I can wait..who are you talking about? Anyway, the op's situation is not theoretical. She should wait to get her house in order before making any move. This doesn't precude her from learning more about this person. Just a note: Stengel was no Babe Ruth where insight was relevant. Besides, he was talking about baseball, not life. Stengel's quote was neither unigue nor particularily insightfull.

MasterWilliam55 -> RE: Just takes time or lost cause? (3/20/2008 5:55:03 PM)
Nether would I and she shoudn't be comfortable with that either.

Real_Trouble -> RE: Just takes time or lost cause? (3/20/2008 6:05:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterWilliam55 Just a note: Stengel was no Babe Ruth where insight was relevant. Besides, he was talking about baseball, not life. Stengel's quote was neither unigue nor particularily insightfull. This just about wins for the most senselessly bitter out-of-left-field comment I've seen recently. What, did he punch one of your kids or something? Why not kick a man while he's down (dead)? Obviously, he's a baseball manager, but many of his insights are quite amusing as well as correct in my opinion. I feel the same way about Yogi Berra. Or, given that it was clearly also a statement of personal preference on my part, do you want to take a few shots at my favorite color or taste in art, also? Wow.

Griswold -> RE: Just takes time or lost cause? (3/20/2008 6:23:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: flutteringangel Ok, I know this may be a controversial thing here from what little I've read on these boards, but I've seen some very open minded posts and some wonderful insight and advice here, so I'm going to give it a go and ask for your opinions. I'm still legally married, though the emotional connection with my husband has been gone for several years now. We live in the same house (different bedrooms) while I go back to school since I haven't worked in more than 10 years. He has a girlfriend and I have a Dom, and everything is out in the open. Everyone has met everyone else, and both hubs and I have made it clear to each other's partner that if things progress to such a point, that changes will be made. Right now, it is just financially easier on both of us to stay in the same house while I finish school. It has been a little over two years since I started seeing my Dom and he has mentioned several times that he wants us to be together forever and has even mentioned marriage. Now the twist. He ended a 6 year relationship about 6 months before I met him, but this woman still occupies a huge part of his mind and he has not healed from the breakup. He says it is over with her and there is zero chance he will get back together with her, but she still affects him every time they run into each other. I am ready to move on with him, and really want to at least start making real plans to be together 24/7, but he's taking his nice sweet time. I've seriously considered moving to his area. I don't want to give up school and move my ums 500 miles from their dad if my Dom isn't going to move forward with our relationship, but when I have tried to talk with him about this, he just can't or won't give me a straight answer. I don't know if he is balking because I have ums or if he is just not over his ex enough to move on to a more committed relationship or even if it is just that he really just doesn't want that with me. We are exclusive right now and he does keep talking about living together. I'm just really confused. If he would just tell me what he really is thinking, I would feel like I have the information to make my decision. So, is this something that will just take time or is it a lost cause? I'm not content to just wait indefinitely but I don't want to throw away an otherwise wonderful relationship. How do you know when it just isn't ever going to be what you hope for? What a bunch of unadulterated horseshit. You're writing to a bunch of people that you wouldn't know without name tags...and you expect the bulk of which to tell you "you go GIRL!!!!" (And I suspect, without having read the responses...that most have already given you). You're fucked up kiddo. I ain't gonna give you a free ride. You need to take a very close look at your life...and when you do...be honest. You're looking for a safe ride out. Life requires that you pay for your decisions. You've made some...they won't be easy...but they do have a cost.

crouchingtigress -> RE: Just takes time or lost cause? (3/20/2008 6:37:56 PM)
actions speak louder then words....listen.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Just takes time or lost cause? (3/20/2008 7:18:35 PM)
I think the later point about how the husband is now getting really serious and THAT being a factor in her change of perspective is quite telling. I also feel bad for the kids- the mom and bf only see eachother every other weekend, and their mom is seriously desiring to move them into a completely new place, away from their father, to be with a guy they barely know who has not even asked them to do so? Mom- finish school, move out on your own for at least a year, THEN consider whether you want to start living with another man again. And pray you have a nice enough husband who won't take you to the cleaners for being there to support you through your education immediately followed by divorce. And nice enough kids who won't resent you forever for putting your hormones first.

LATEXBABY64 -> RE: Just takes time or lost cause? (3/20/2008 7:30:08 PM)
i have to say what can you say but in this day and age throw away families seem to be the theme. not one i agree what you going to do maybe say i want no part of this make people step up to plate and you did this on your own take the responsibilites. quit blaming someone else

StormsSlave -> RE: Just takes time or lost cause? (3/20/2008 7:31:40 PM)
I have a slightly different outlook on this, though it turns out to be the same. You say everyone is happy? You've all met, your rent is getting paid, nobody's angry or jealous or acting like an asshole? The Dom takes care of you and showers you with love? If you're happy, why change it? Here's a little story. A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm. He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out! He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it There are three morals to this story: 1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy 2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend 3. If you are happy in your shit, keep your mouth shut It just sounds to me like everyone is happy, and you've got a good thing going. Why fuck it up? If the relationship evolves to the point where you are moving closer, great, but forcing the issue is just spilling the apple cart for no good reason. If everyone is already happy, leave it alone. Kudos to you for seeking advice and not jumping the gun. The worst decisions I've made in life have been the ones I didn't get help with.

flutteringangel -> RE: Just takes time or lost cause? (3/20/2008 8:02:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: StormsSlave I have a slightly different outlook on this, though it turns out to be the same. You say everyone is happy? You've all met, your rent is getting paid, nobody's angry or jealous or acting like an asshole? The Dom takes care of you and showers you with love? If you're happy, why change it? Here's a little story. A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm. He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out! He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it There are three morals to this story: 1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy 2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend 3. If you are happy in your shit, keep your mouth shut It just sounds to me like everyone is happy, and you've got a good thing going. Why fuck it up? If the relationship evolves to the point where you are moving closer, great, but forcing the issue is just spilling the apple cart for no good reason. If everyone is already happy, leave it alone. Kudos to you for seeking advice and not jumping the gun. The worst decisions I've made in life have been the ones I didn't get help with. I am seeking advice, not just here but from friends and family. Everyone who has met my Dom likes him, including my ums. I'm not jumping into anything. I'm looking at options. I have another year left of school, and hubs is saying he's not sure he wants to keep things as they are that long. Its a scary prospect for me. I was a stay home mom for 15 years. I don't see a way to keep the house as Christina suggested, even if hubs were to agree to give me that much child support, it just costs too much to maintain and run every month, and there are no guarantees hubs will continue to pay for my school if we go ahead with the divorce before I finish. What people seem to think is that I am rushing to move in with my Dom. That is not true. I do NOT want to go straight to living with him. I am thinking of moving to his area, but there are more opportunities for us (me and my little people) there all the way around. It isn't like I just met him a month ago. We have been seeing each other for over two years. I just want to have a plan ready because I'm not sure how much longer I really have the way things are now.

LATEXBABY64 -> RE: Just takes time or lost cause? (3/20/2008 10:26:32 PM)
the problem with advice is everyone has answer to every problem you have expcept their own life is about taking control of what you have and making the most of it riches people will tell you they did it with hard work and a lot of know how are hard work their know how just how it is

RCdc -> RE: Just takes time or lost cause? (3/21/2008 3:56:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: flutteringangel He admits it still bothers him to see her. He says he is so glad she is out of his life but it still hurts because he did love her so much. He says he will never get back together with her though. My issue with it is just that he does let it affect him so much after all this time. They bump into each other occasionally due to work and I can always hear it in his voice before he even tells me. It stresses him and he becomes a little abrupt with me for the rest of the day. So, are they his issues or mine or do we both have issues with her? I did not post immediately when I saw this post, as it was an absolute that I gain permission from Darcy and I have his full blessing to post candidly. There are people on this message board who know our situation, but it would not be public knowledge (well it is now[;)]) that I have been in this exact same position with my ex husband who also used to post here a few years back. I know many people on this thread have given some really good, sensible and mature advise - but quite honestly unless you have lived this situation, (which sounds as amicable as the one I have experience of) it is simply common sense advise which - in a scenario such as this - doesn't really work. The reason I am posting this is because a) so you know you are not alone in this scenario and b) that no relationship is perfect. Above all, get through school. Even if you do decide to move, find out if you can continue your studies there without upsetting it. That is the most important of all. The issue with him being slightly non commited. First, I would ask if he has spent any time with those in your care.(I am trying to keep within TOS - it is hard and maybe a private correspondance may be better on that issue). It is vital that he spends time with them, else he won't be able to make an informed decision as to whether he can embrace them. Expecting him to make a commited decision when he has had no real time as a family, would be ill advised. How do you feel? Do you really love and serve this man? How long can you wait? My decision was to move closer to Darcy. That was my decision based on the best circumstances for my family, for Darcy, for work, for my ex and ultimately for me. And I did it with hope, but not with expectations and I believe that is really the key to making a decision. I had to sieze control of my life and make decisions before I could submit to Darcy with any real commitment - and I had to do that before Darcy could decide whether to accept me as his. I would suggest you probably both have issues with her from that small paragraph you posted above. Regardless of whether you are s-type or not, you are going to feel protective over him and anything that touches him negatively, you are going to feel as well. There may even be a little jealousy that she may seem him, when you don't get to as often as you may want. That is perfectly understandable. You say he loved her very much. My next question is would be how they split. Was it they drifted? Her idea? Does he feel guilt? Does he feel he is unable to move on with a relationship unless she does first? Look at the reasons behind it. I know you may not wish to go into details her on a messageboard, but I would suggest you look at the reason and if you can't post them here, feel free and able to write us on the other side. I am absolutely not going to say that this situation is ultimately a lost cause. Been there, done it, wrote the screen play. But it is really important you keep communication open with your partner and voice your concerns without issuing an ultimatium. Ultimatiums never work out and can only build resentment in the future when people have felt pushed into something. You have to work out in your own head what you can deal with, the length of time you can cope with without expectations or 'must dos'. Feel free to write Darcy and I privately if you want . the.dark.

flutteringangel -> RE: Just takes time or lost cause? (3/21/2008 4:08:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64 the problem with advice is everyone has answer to every problem you have expcept their own life is about taking control of what you have and making the most of it riches people will tell you they did it with hard work and a lot of know how are hard work their know how just how it is Have you heard of a sounding board? There is nothing wrong or irresponsible about asking other people's opinions/experiences/thoughts, and that is all that I have done. No decisions have been made, no life changes have occurred. I simply posed something that has been running through my mind on a forum and asked "what do you think?" At no time have I said I was going to rush out and do exactly what anyone on here said.

FirmhandKY -> RE: Just takes time or lost cause? (3/21/2008 3:36:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: domiguy quote: ORIGINAL: FirmhandKY quote: ORIGINAL: flutteringangel Thanks for the idea. I hate the idea of ultimatums, but I am about ready to try this. If he is a Dom, the moment you give him an ultimatum, is the moment you lose him. Firm This is a load of crap...Sorry firmy. it is. What difference does being a Dom have to do with being given an ultimatum? First, read .thedark's reply above. Second, I don't know about you, but a sub giving an ultimatum to a Dom, in order to get him to do her bidding? You don't think it makes a difference if the man is a Dom or not? Might not make a difference if he is a simply a "dom", sure, but personally, ultimatums from anyone - but especially from one who proposes to "submit" to me - have a bad habit of backfiring, and I suspect that is true for any Dom with a shred of self-respect. I liked suessub's response. It accomplished the same thing, without an ultimatum. In effect, he said "It's over. If you don't wish it to be, then you have to take the next step." He "forced the matter" (he didn't force his partner) by accepting responsibility himself, and not shoving it off on the other person involved. As for the rest of her situation, and how she "ought" to resolve it, there is a whole menu of choices given in this thread. Some I agree with, some I don't, but in the final analysis, she's going to do what her personality and character requires. An "ultimatum" is the highest risk option. Firm

LeatherBentOne -> RE: Just takes time or lost cause? (3/21/2008 3:54:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: flutteringangel quote: ORIGINAL: Justme696 If you loved some one for a long time and are hurt, then; - you are often afraid to step in the next relation...eventhough it seems like heaven. -often can't forget the past lover because there is so much you shared. I would suggest you give him 2 weeks to a month..to make up his mind. This won't pressure him...because of the time...and you will get an answer. If the answer is not satisfying to you.....I am afraid you will have to end it. (else the time limit has no use) Aslong you accept his "non answering"...he will see no need to answer. Thanks for the idea. I hate the idea of ultimatums, but I am about ready to try this. Saying and doing are two different things. Look at his actions or inactions. Ive been where you are before.

Real_Trouble -> RE: Just takes time or lost cause? (3/21/2008 4:58:38 PM)
I concur that the ultimatum part is dangerous; there come times in every relationship when you will hit a 'break point', which is to say that either something needs to change or one or both of the parties will vacate the relationship. Handling these is key. I know that when someone either hands me an ultimatum, or attempts to make a unilateral decision out of the blue without having discussed the issue repeatedly first (as in, pulling the carpet out from under someone without communicating), that my inclination is to let them go. It spares me the trouble of having to kick them out on their ass later. I stand by my previous view; you need to communicate with your Dom openly and focus on building a relationship, but without forcing the issue or pushing him beyond where he can go (else you will probably lose him). Likewise, however, you can't make a bet on that relationship safely, especially with children involved. Find a compromise that is healthy for you and your current husband. Keep in mind that the people here unable to make decisions for themselves, also, are the ones most likely to be affected - your children.

greenearth21 -> RE: Just takes time or lost cause? (3/21/2008 9:33:50 PM)
If you and your husband have decided that the relationshp is completely over and everyone has moved on...you are lucky in the fact that you are out on yoru own, tryign to finish school and raising ums on your own. With that said...i dont want to say that the dom is stringing you a long, because he may just need time and thats his right. He has to do what is right for him when its right for him. Because of that you need to do what is right for you (and the little one/s) with no influence from anyone (your soon to be ex or your potential next). I have learned/realized that when you live like that...you dont really make decisions on your own for yourself but you make decisions solely based on teh most convenient, not necessarily wise, circumstance. Things change, situations change, (and not always the way we want them), and not necessarily on our terms either...but they shouldnt be on someone elses' (sp?) terms.

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