the "me" that i hate (Full Version)

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pahunkboy -> the "me" that i hate (3/14/2008 4:33:10 AM)

what is the meaning of life?  to suffer then to croak.  thats what.

or maybe not.  you see the me that crashes into me is the me that i hate.  when you dont see me for a while you know soemthing is up.   i have physical and mental conditions, these day I try to understate such. No one wants to know anyones every ache and pain.  The worse of it all is over- or is it?  you by now know i of all people hate for me to be grubby.  i have seldom been grubbier then i am right now.   But why?  why did i spazz out?

i hesistate to go into details as the mods would penalize me. so to word it carefully.  my black outs stopped -slowed alot since the psychiatrst placed me on the one med.  well i was too tired to take it a few days. so nighttime med -is- good.   but isnt med free best?
apparatnly no...not if i dont want black outs.  now for the day time pill.  for ADD. i wont be functional till i take this. if i dont i will face  body retaliation.

so- while i love the new me lately-i hate the me that tags along.

anyhow - i missed you when i was out of order.



SL4V3M4YB3 -> RE: the "me" that i hate (3/14/2008 4:46:08 AM)

I've never been convinced anyone who prescribes drugs to fix the noggin knows what they are doing.[8|]



LadyEllen -> RE: the "me" that i hate (3/14/2008 4:48:14 AM)

The meaning of life? Depends who one asks and often what day they just had.

At base, the meaning of life is life itself - its continuation through our offspring, and if thats true then I really dont know how that plays out for some circumstances, because it implies that life can have no meaning unless one reproduces. But its only a basic level meaning, and lets face it, its not what everyone would say is exclusively what gives their life meaning.

And I guess that really is the problem behind expecting and giving some universal response, because in the end we all must find our own meaning in this fleeting awareness called life; no one else's answer is necessarily going to fit, and it could just be that the purpose of life turns out to be finding our own meaning.

Not that its easy for anyone, and especially not easy when one suffers pain on a daily basis, as I know too. I came to the decision a long time ago that if I wanted to get anywhere near finding meaning, I had to use the medicines available so that the pain would be suppressed for me to even be able to think about it all, let alone have a life at all. Yes, if you dont need to add stuff to your system then its best not to, but if you do and its available, its probably a good idea to use it.

E




pahunkboy -> RE: the "me" that i hate (3/14/2008 4:52:34 AM)

Thanks for you post!  :-)     head pills are intraquate science no doubt.    early on- in a spinal cord injury- i think i needed eveyrthing. often creating my own havok.  then i wonderred if less is more.   having mom move out of state and myself moving was a task.   4 years of pain levels of  8, and courts. ouch.

i hate being this grubby, argh.  i am glad the black outs have lessened.



SL4V3M4YB3 -> RE: the "me" that i hate (3/14/2008 4:54:38 AM)

From a logical point of view life is pretty pointless.

Even if you invent the worlds most suckiest vacuum cleaner so what?

You'll be dead and maybe your name will live on but you'll still be dead. The people that remember who you are will die even if you are Mr Dyson you'll be forgotten in time. Even if you are more famous than Mr Dyson or you help millions of people it will all ultimately amount to nothing unless you think the world and the universe is going to last forever.

Things tend to end.

Meaning of life is therefore to enjoy the experience and not make it into something it isn’t.



colouredin -> RE: the "me" that i hate (3/14/2008 4:59:30 AM)

I am glad you are feeling better, I can identify with elements of your story, I think we all have bits of ourselves that we hate I certainly know that I do. I have been around people who struggle with two sides of themselves quite a lot recently, watching as one person suddenly changes to another for no real reason, and they are totally not themselves they have new feelings, a new facial expression even a new voice, its a totally differant person and the temptation to give them another name is great. The thing is that I know its not them, its an illness, so anything they are in this period is inadmissible when I think of them as a person. They are something better than that, luckily this person is getting better, they are on meds and they are calming down, their memories of what they did are becoming clearer and their ability to see reality is better, I know that they struggle most with the guilt of it more than anything else, they cant cope hurting people that love them but wont believe when I say that THEY havent hurt anyone, its not them, its someone else. I do hope that I see that person less and less though. 



pahunkboy -> RE: the "me" that i hate (3/14/2008 5:07:08 AM)

I guess I get soppy when I go thru this.   I see a side of me I  dont like.  I mean if others dislike me- I dont take it quite so serious as I once did.  

As westerners we tend to be   obsessed- obsessed with fill in the blank.   I know I need that morning pill.  I hate needing anything.  I never told the psychiatrist that I even had black outs.  Maybe it was somthing totally unrelated.   As one ages one deals w=ith a body going thru changes.   then one tries to negotiate with the process.   well that isnt possible.  i hate being grubby.  does anyone else hate that? i mean it will take a LONG shower, fresh clothes, fresh bed clothes...flipping the mattress.

this brings me back to an earlier point-    i guess me need meds... more then we admit  too.    why cant i be 20 for just one day?  mindlesssly chew buble gum,   driving down Harlem, with the sun roof down.  radio blaring- with the sun which never sets.

i wanna be young again.  maybe thats why i feel grubby.



colouredin -> RE: the "me" that i hate (3/14/2008 5:12:06 AM)

Im 21, Im young, and I certainly dont feel that life is a bunch of roses, I think often people look on youth with rose tinted glasses, your past was never as good as you remember it being and if it was well you dont appriciate it anyways



cjan -> RE: the "me" that i hate (3/14/2008 5:12:21 AM)

I'm sorry to hear you are suffering so, OP. I hope you hang in there and ...well, hang in there. That can give one's life "meaning" too.

Best Wishes.



SL4V3M4YB3 -> RE: the "me" that i hate (3/14/2008 5:21:19 AM)

Yes life is kind of cruel in that way, I've said many times that if I was god I'd let everyone have youth for their whole life and then they suddenly die. I can see the logic in people needing to die but I've never seen the logic in people needing to get old. Unless there is some hidden meaning in life to getting old and feeling tired.

In my role of amateur doctor I would say your need to clean yourself is OCD related and is borne of the fact you are in constant preparation for an important event until one day preparation become more important than the event. I had a white coat once and a fake certificate once but those police they confiscated them from me, they don't like entrepreneurism in the medical field.[8|]



pahunkboy -> RE: the "me" that i hate (3/14/2008 5:23:22 AM)

thanks everyone.   i popped the morning meds.  so i need to see that i wont expell them, then i can crank up the heat,and jump in the shower.

i guess my fear is returning to old ways.   thats why so somber.  i paid some dues  in a matter of speaking and dont want to back track.

im sorta short on them, so i certainly cant be expelling them. 

anyhow- once i jump in the shower things will be back to normal.   no one likes their day tamperred with.  apparantly i dare not skip the evening med- ever.  

i knew i could post here- you guys really brighten my day.  I value everyone here.  Thanks!! / evolving out of the woe-is-me mode, which I dislike as my outlook-  /



pahunkboy -> RE: the "me" that i hate (3/14/2008 5:27:49 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SL4V3M4YB3

Yes life is kind of cruel in that way, I've said many times that if I was god I'd let everyone have youth for their whole life and then they suddenly die. I can see the logic in people needing to die but I've never seen the logic in people needing to get old. Unless there is some hidden meaning in life to getting old and feeling tired.

In my role of amateur doctor I would say your need to clean yourself is OCD related and is borne of the fact you are in constant preparation for an important event until one day preparation become more important than the event. I had a white coat once and a fake certificate once but those police they confiscated them from me, they don't like entrepreneurism in the medical field.[8|]



OCD.  wow. I hadnt thought it that way.  this would be day 4 of no shower- so  i dont think it is OCD. yes- i get revved up easily...and like to be the last to bed. with everything in its place. I will tho- keep it in the back of my mind.  abit later I plan to phone the neighbor.

For the record- i hate/dislike the whiney me.   im snapping out of that.  thanks all.  :-)



Bound2One -> RE: the "me" that i hate (3/14/2008 5:30:42 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

Im 21, Im young, and I certainly dont feel that life is a bunch of roses, I think often people look on youth with rose tinted glasses, your past was never as good as you remember it being and if it was well you dont appriciate it anyways


Truer words were never spoken!  I always say I'd love to be about 25-26 again, and know what I know now ... just to be in that body again.  ::sigh:: 

OP - I hope today you woke up feeling better!!  



pahunkboy -> RE: the "me" that i hate (3/14/2008 6:28:17 AM)

to the youth here.

this advice will be worth alot.   treat your body well.  i treated my body not as a temple- but as a casino.     i have less problems since i worked out with  weights in my 20s.  

i dont know what it is like to be older then 44.   my mistakes in life have been violating my own standards.  i used to hate being told im young.  now i wish someone would say that i am young.

we spend our youth clawing our way to make a living.  at an older age one can enjoy those  fruits.

as to my currecnt regiment.... i chug water.   people are sick of me saying it.  well- doing so- my body is evolving into soemthing i like. i look down at my waist and think wow- kick azz no love handles.
this took close to 3 years to get to.  basically im not a garbage disposal.  i had my shower and feel good now.  i have to sort paper work, and get it mailed out.



MissSCD -> RE: the "me" that i hate (3/14/2008 6:38:10 AM)

I did that once.  I forgot to take a med, and then tried to take one in the morning.  By habit I took two. I was in la la land for an entire day.  My family wouldn't let me drive.
Work called.  That is the only time I did not go into work for my boss.  She died laughing and said it is ok, you were drunk, but not drunk. 
Now, this hate business needs to stop.  You are only hurting yourself.   I still have issues with self hatred some days, but I try to work through it.   I want you to start journaling your thoughts so that you can read it and see what you need to do.
 
Best wishes,
 
MissSCD
quote:

ORIGINAL: pahunkboy

what is the meaning of life?  to suffer then to croak.  thats what.

or maybe not.  you see the me that crashes into me is the me that i hate.  when you dont see me for a while you know soemthing is up.   i have physical and mental conditions, these day I try to understate such. No one wants to know anyones every ache and pain.  The worse of it all is over- or is it?  you by now know i of all people hate for me to be grubby.  i have seldom been grubbier then i am right now.   But why?  why did i spazz out?

i hesistate to go into details as the mods would penalize me. so to word it carefully.  my black outs stopped -slowed alot since the psychiatrst placed me on the one med.  well i was too tired to take it a few days. so nighttime med -is- good.   but isnt med free best?
apparatnly no...not if i dont want black outs.  now for the day time pill.  for ADD. i wont be functional till i take this. if i dont i will face  body retaliation.

so- while i love the new me lately-i hate the me that tags along.

anyhow - i missed you when i was out of order.




TracyTaken -> RE: the "me" that i hate (3/14/2008 7:09:09 AM)

Glad you are feeling better.  [:)]



faerytattoodgirl -> RE: the "me" that i hate (3/14/2008 7:09:27 AM)

the meaning of life??? to have sex with same sex! now thats living!

then going out for steak dinner...mmm  and DQ for ice cream.



Bound2One -> RE: the "me" that i hate (3/14/2008 7:10:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: pahunkboy
as to my currecnt regiment.... i chug water.   people are sick of me saying it.  well- doing so- my body is evolving into soemthing i like. i look down at my waist and think wow- kick azz no love handles.
this took close to 3 years to get to.  basically im not a garbage disposal.  i had my shower and feel good now.  i have to sort paper work, and get it mailed out.



Good for you!  kick azz indeed!

I'm glad you're feeling better.  Get that paperwork out and you'll have had a great day!



GreedyTop -> RE: the "me" that i hate (3/14/2008 7:10:50 AM)

*biggest hugs* hon...



honeygirl -> RE: the "me" that i hate (3/14/2008 7:15:23 AM)

I'm glad you're feeling better, pahunkboy!



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