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Sexual Preference Intolerance - 3/10/2008 5:59:54 PM

summerblossom

Posts: 145
Joined: 11/17/2007
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I just wanted to know if this has happened to anyone because this was the first time it happened to me. For those that are gay or bisexual....

I have this group I go to for depression. I know everyone in the group pretty well and they know me. They know im generally open about the fact that I'm bisexual and that I prefer women at times. They are all okay with it. We had a new member in our group today. This girl came in and was really nice at first. Everyone took their time talking and when it came my turn I mentioned in a certain subject about liking girls for relationships....I am not the 'shout it to the world type' but I don't like to hide that fact either.

I'm pretty new on being open about my feelings on the subject so when this girl immediatly stood up and said she had to go I asked if she felt uncomfortable and she said yes and left. I felt very uncomfortable after that and offended. I'm feeling pretty bad about it now. I've never had anyone react to me in that way when discussing my dating preferences. Now I'm starting to worry if maybe I should start keeping those things hidden completely. I have enough to deal with in my life, I don't need to deal with gay/les intolerance too.

Has this every happened to any of you and how have you dealt with it? I am a sensitive person so it's hard for me to deal with those things.

< Message edited by summerblossom -- 3/10/2008 6:00:38 PM >

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RE: Sexual Preference Intolerance - 3/10/2008 6:07:13 PM

faerytattoodgirl

Posts: 5824
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just imagine if i was in that group OMG...heaven forbid an intersexed lesbian... yikes.....get that scary freak out of here!! is what that woman would say. and i bet she would talk about my tattoos too.

im used to reactions of that nature...its why im still single and probably will be forever single......the ignorance-non acceptance.

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RE: Sexual Preference Intolerance - 3/10/2008 6:09:38 PM

ownedgirlie

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Did she clarify that it was your sexual preference and not something else that made her uncomfortable?

Whatever her reason, it sounds like she did not criticize you for your choices, she did the adult thing and removed herself from an uncomfortable situation. Perhaps she will find a group that is more suited for her. If I were in your shoes, I would continue to be myself. Seems like everyone else in your group accepts you just fine. Intolerance is if she outwardly said she did not accept you and required you to change your behavior and subject matter in the group. She has a choice to be there or not, just as you do. She did the right thing by leaving, rather than to disrupt the group and push her own agenda.

In her shoes, were you in an environment (of whatever kind) which made you uncomfortable, would you excuse yourself as well? And if so, would you see yourself as intolerant?

(in reply to summerblossom)

Post #: 3

RE: Sexual Preference Intolerance - 3/10/2008 6:14:07 PM

bipolarber

Posts: 2792
Joined: 9/25/2004
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You'll get used to it.

The thing is, your being bisexual isn't the problem.

Her bigoted attitude IS. Luckily, her anti-social upbringing is something that is dying out, allbit slowly.

In the mean time, focus on the other people in your group. They have accepted you and tolerated your preferences easily. They are the majority. So don't give in to the temptation to hide. When you do that, others who might be looking for you won't be able to find you. That will lead you to a much less rich and fulfilling life.

(in reply to faerytattoodgirl)

Post #: 4

RE: Sexual Preference Intolerance - 3/10/2008 6:18:08 PM

PanthersMom

Posts: 2215
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: Cleveland Ohio
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some folks have more tact than others. she could have waited until the end of the group session, or even a break and left then. it would not have made anyone as uncomfortable as this departure did you. sometimes folks just can't stay for a whole meeting, but leaving during the session was rude. she should have been more adult about it.
PM

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RE: Sexual Preference Intolerance - 3/10/2008 6:20:37 PM

dcnovice

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You didn't do anything wrong, and you won't derive any benefit from the group if you can't be honest. It's the newcomer's issue if she can't handle what she hears.

I wouldn't rule out the possibility that she was uncomfortable about the whole setup and used what you shared as an excuse to leave.

How did other group members react?

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RE: Sexual Preference Intolerance - 3/10/2008 6:21:06 PM

KaraLady

Posts: 36
Joined: 3/4/2008
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We shouldn't have to get used to it, but we do. It's rather unfortunate.

The last negative attitude I had to deal with was my own mother's. I can deal with intolerance from strangers, but it's absolutely infuriating when stuff like that comes from your own family.

(in reply to bipolarber)

Post #: 7

RE: Sexual Preference Intolerance - 3/10/2008 6:33:07 PM

Kirren

Posts: 580
Joined: 9/5/2007
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The sad reality is we live in a world where people who are intolerant are more vocal and more widely accepted than those of us who just live and let live.

I have to agree that at some point she was probably uncomfortable with the whole situation and used that as the "final straw" and while you feel bad now, you have to learn, just as I taught kitten, you can not take responsibility for things you can not control.

If some biggoted ignorant asshole wants to act out and make a fool of herself in a public setting then you should not feel responsible at all. Dont feel bad. Feel proud that you had the ability to stand up in front of those people and speak about who you are, what you feel and where you come from. To hell with them. Who cares what some one like that thinks?

If shes uncomfortable, good. People like that have made it hard for people like us for centuries. Its about time the shoe was on the other foot.

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RE: Sexual Preference Intolerance - 3/10/2008 6:39:50 PM

MistressCamille

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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She's the one with the problem sweetie, not you. Be who you are, always. And don't overthink it. At least she left instead of being confrontational. It could have been worse.

(in reply to summerblossom)

Post #: 9

RE: Sexual Preference Intolerance - 3/10/2008 6:43:46 PM

xBullx

Posts: 4206
Joined: 10/8/2005
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-fast reply-

I've come to the conclusion after some reading today that in America there are no longer any lesbians or any males that have not had a same sex experience.

It appears that the Bush has fucked us all.

Ooops, I had to edit, I forgot the part I was going to say that was actually part of the thread...

Girlie you can't control what other people think, feel or say. You can however control how you feel about these people. Be true unto yourself and fuck 'em if that's not to their likin'.

The only person you have to make sure to keep happy is me.

< Message edited by xBullx -- 3/10/2008 6:53:41 PM >

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RE: Sexual Preference Intolerance - 3/10/2008 6:50:55 PM

Lashra

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I feel this way about it. I am a Dominant bisexual female, many people have a problem with that. Now do I care? Nope and the reason is I will live my life the way that I see fit regardless what these other people think. I've always said if people don't like me or my lifestyle they can get the hell away from me. I refuse to change for anyone. I just smile and go on with my happy life.

So it wasn't you that had the problem it was her and perhaps she was close minded, or perhaps she got scared because she may have some of the same feelings? You never know what goes on inside a persons mind.

~Lashra

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(in reply to summerblossom)

Post #: 11

RE: Sexual Preference Intolerance - 3/10/2008 6:53:26 PM

slaveboyforyou

Posts: 3607
Joined: 1/6/2005
From: Arkansas, U.S.A.
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Unlike most of the other responders here, I am going to give the girl the benefit of the doubt. She is new to a group that deals with treating depression. So I assume she is depressed. A multitude of things may have made her feel uncomfortable. Maybe she is struggling with her own sexuality, and what you said hit a nerve. Maybe she was abused in her youth. It could be anything, and the truth is that you don't know.

It may have just been a coincidence that she decided to get up and leave after that incident. Whatever it was, try not to be to judgmental about her or automatically think that you caused a problem. I have dealt with depression before, and we tend to think the entire world is waiting to stomp on us. It's not, and you have to just brush away things like that. In a cliche, "Don't sweat the small stuff."

< Message edited by slaveboyforyou -- 3/10/2008 6:54:32 PM >

(in reply to summerblossom)

Post #: 12

RE: Sexual Preference Intolerance - 3/10/2008 7:05:16 PM

KaraLady

Posts: 36
Joined: 3/4/2008
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Alas, slaveboy, that's much easier said than done.

(in reply to slaveboyforyou)

Post #: 13

RE: Sexual Preference Intolerance - 3/10/2008 7:06:59 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

I'm with a couple of the other posters on this. You are only assuming that it was what you said made the girl feel uncomfortable enough to leave. You admit that you are very sensitive, so perhaps your assumption was due to your sensitivity.

Quite honestly, if someone has worked up the guts to actually go to a group for some help, they are usually so mired in their own feelings, they don't really take much of anyone elses conversation on board. They're thinking about how much they want to reveal or not reveal, if this is the kind of arena they want to be in, can they really open up to a heap of strangers, etc. She may be struggling with some underlying feelings of her own about bisexuality, and hearing you did make her feel uncomfortable because it struck a chord somewhere in her. She maybe just didn't feel "right" being in a group of strangers.

It doesn't matter really. She is coping with her problems, you are coping with yours. You have enough, don't take someone elses on board. We all get through as best we can, so continue on your journey and let her continue hers, wherever that takes her.

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RE: Sexual Preference Intolerance - 3/10/2008 7:17:07 PM

popeye1250

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Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
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You go to a "Group" for depression?
I've never heard of that before.
How is listening to other depressed people going to help you?
If it were me I'd much rather go to a private practitioner like a psychiatrist or nurse practitioner who can prescribe psycho tropic drugs.
The LAST thing I'd do is go to some "group."

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RE: Sexual Preference Intolerance - 3/10/2008 7:21:40 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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Amazingly, being in a group was phenomenally helpful.....much more so than the health practitioners who had no clue what it was really like to have their brains awash with unwanted chemicals.

And the drugs help, too. :)

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RE: Sexual Preference Intolerance - 3/10/2008 7:25:19 PM

MadameMarque

Posts: 1128
Joined: 3/19/2005
Status: offline

Well, you were there, so you may be right, she might have reacted to what you had to say. Even if she did, it might not have been about your sexual orientation.

Maybe she thought, oh! I didn't know we'd be talking about sex! Maybe she reacted to something else you said. Maybe she's not out about her own sexuality, and it touched off something for her.

But for not being there, and reading your description of events, my first several guesses would be that she left for something else.

I mean, it's her first time in a support group for depression, talking about all the most personal and emotional stuff with a bunch of strangers - what's to feel uncomfortable about? (she said wryly)

In fact, she may have been uncomfortable with something someone else said, and was just waiting to leave, so it wasn't so obvious to everyone, why...little knowing you'd be posting to a forum, later, about it, instead.

(in reply to summerblossom)

Post #: 17

RE: Sexual Preference Intolerance - 3/10/2008 7:28:15 PM

Kirata

Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline

A LESSON IN BIGOTRY AND TOLERANCE

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

she did not criticize you for your choices, she did the adult thing and removed herself from an uncomfortable situation.... rather than to disrupt the group and push her own agenda.

Okay? Nope. She's a bigot from a family of anti-social bigots!

quote:

ORIGINAL: bipolarber

being bisexual isn't the problem.... Her bigoted attitude IS. Luckily, her anti-social upbringing is something that is dying out....

And yeah, I know about Ignore. Think of it as a masochistic streak and call it my kink.

Kirata

(in reply to summerblossom)

Post #: 18

RE: Sexual Preference Intolerance - 3/10/2008 7:31:17 PM

beargonewild

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Joined: 5/7/2007
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~FR~

The biggest thing I learned was that I had to develop a thick skin towards the blatant and subtle prejudices of bigoted people. Granted in many instances, the bigotry is subtle and it takes careful examination to determine if it's because of one's sexual orientation or not. To the OP, that person may have been uncomfortable with your admittance to being bisexual or she may felt uncomfortable with the room. I've had 30 years of dealing with bigotry in all forms and have used many ways to deal with it.
The best way I found that works for me is to try to educate that person and if that doesn't works, I dish their prejudice right back at them.

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RE: Sexual Preference Intolerance - 3/10/2008 7:41:42 PM

faerytattoodgirl

Posts: 5824
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dont forget the beard of protection.

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I did not reply to your cmail.

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Imperfect.

MUST SPANK!!!

SPAAAAAAAANK!!!

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