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Submissives and overemotional reactions - 2/20/2008 7:41:11 PM

PrincessEllie

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Joined: 11/30/2006
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I know this post could probably fit snuggly in the Ask a Sub forum, but I'd like to have imput from a larger body of sceners.

I've noticed that when I make a mistake that I become highly overemotional and self-depricating. I haven't made a big mistake at all yet, the ones I am referring to are little ones. Sometimes my behavior makes my Dom feel embarassed or awkward in public situations and he calmly pulls me aside and explains what I did wrong. Even when he's nice about it, I feel awful. I feel awful that I have behaved so crudely as to lower his standing in our society by my bad behavior. I want people to think I am well behaved and that I compliment him seamlessly. When I mess up, however small, I am shamed beyond reason. I suppose that is the only way to put it, pure mindnumbing shame. I can hardly do anything but look straight at the floor and cry as quietly as I can so that I do not further embarass him.

When I do get my voice back, I usually enjoy speaking in my first person, because I'm a stickler for grammar. But when I mess up, I feel like I need to grovel and beg his forgiveness. My mind is already formulating my apologies, "This girl is sorry she shamed her Master. This girl begs forgiveness. This girl loves you." I sort of fall into my old habit of thinking I need to be perfect, and that if I fail to meet those expectations I am trash. It stems from the way my parents raised me as a child. Of course no one is perfect, especially not a child. Which is likely where my feelings of inadequacy come from.

I was wondering if any other submissives have had such extreme reactions as I seem to portray, or is Dom/mes have seen this in their submissives. I was also wondering if there was a way to reign in these feelings, because it upsets my Dom when I become like this. Sometimes he thinks about not telling me when I make a mistake, simply because of how extremely I react.

_____________________________

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But whips and chains excite me
So tie me up
Or hold me down
And bite me baby, bite me!

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Post #: 1

RE: Submissives and overemotional reactions - 2/20/2008 7:46:09 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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When my partner does that I just call it him being Jewish, I think that has a lot more influence than submission :)

Being a perfectionist control freak with guilt issues is so common it's nearly a cliche with subs.

But do not let that lull you into thinking that doms don't have their own tendencies towards overreactions- they simply tend to do so in different ways and different contexts.

Oh and helpful hints to stop it in the future:
1) Laugh at yourself and realize how silly it is
2) Remind yourself that you aren't the one in charge of deciding how to punish you
3) Realize that by spending all that time and energy into beating yourself up, you're actually making it all about you, rather than spending the time and energy in recognizing the source of the problem and working together to be of better service next time.

< Message edited by LuckyAlbatross -- 2/20/2008 7:47:49 PM >

_____________________________

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Post #: 2

RE: Submissives and overemotional reactions - 2/20/2008 7:46:28 PM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: PrincessEllie

Sometimes he thinks about not telling me when I make a mistake, simply because of how extremely I react.

I think this sentence is key.

We all screw up. Take the focus off yourself and put focus on him. You know already that your behavior troubles him so take control of yoruself. When you make a mistake, apologize for your error and move on.

If you cannot do that, I seriously suggest seeing a therapist for your emotional issues, fear of failure, and tenendy toward perfectionism.

(in reply to PrincessEllie)

Post #: 3

RE: Submissives and overemotional reactions - 2/20/2008 7:49:46 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

My male sub does over react sometimes. I am not sure that it has anything to do with being submissive or personality/upbringing. He gets nervous easily when in a new situation, like when he went to buy his new truck I couldnt be with him, he must have called me 15 times during the deal just to hear my voice to soothe him. If he thinks he has done something wrong he becomes terrified that I will release him, so he tends to walk on egg shells.
I'm an easy going type person and he knows if something happens that we will sit down and discuss it. I would never just up and release him, this is a irrational fear. But I think it could stem from his past relationships where he was the master and when it didnt work out his slaves just up and left him. I would never just up and leave him.
I've noticed our discussions really seem to help him a lot and I do try to teach him techniques to deal with his anxiety, they do seem to help.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to PrincessEllie)

Post #: 4

RE: Submissives and overemotional reactions - 2/20/2008 7:51:26 PM

PrincessEllie

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Joined: 11/30/2006
Status: offline

quote:

Being a perfectionist control freak with guilt issues is so common it's nearly a cliche with subs.

That's really why I asked. If I thought it was just me, I'd be into therapy.

I don't think I have a large problem with perfectionism. I simply tend toward if for a few hours after these confrontations, because I am shamed by my behavior. But batshalom has brought up a good point for me I think. When I over react, I upset my Dom. This is a much larger failure than my tendency towards PDA (something he dislikes, and what is the basis of my current conflict). Upsetting him is the last thing I want. I should make a huge attempt to curb my feelings on such matters because he does not like it when I become distressed. It makes him feel as if he has erred, though in reality it is my fault.

_____________________________

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But whips and chains excite me
So tie me up
Or hold me down
And bite me baby, bite me!

http://www.cafepress.com/scenedayware
--Discreet BDSM day clothes--

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 5

RE: Submissives and overemotional reactions - 2/20/2008 7:51:59 PM

Leatherist

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I used to just tell girls like that to "Get the fuck over yourself-and try not to keep doing the same thing-including beating yourself up over trifles."

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Post #: 6

RE: Submissives and overemotional reactions - 2/20/2008 8:15:02 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
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In the beginning, I would beat myself up quite a bit when I screwed up. Of course, in doing that I would be pretty useless to him until I moved past that. That alone was motivation enough for me to work on controlling my reactions.

He and I worked on it together. I changed my mindset and stopped dwelling on the little things and he stopped using what I call 'the hammer' when he was annoyed. He found a more effective way of correcting my behavior.

This is one area that I notice most where he is different with Alandra and I. He is more likely to be harsher when correcting her behavior than he is with me. One reason is that it is habit from 20 years of being together and another is because it works with her and there are fewer negative consequences.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to PrincessEllie)

Post #: 7

RE: Submissives and overemotional reactions - 2/20/2008 8:28:12 PM

lovingpet

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Joined: 6/19/2005
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Perhaps looking into the root of your original breech. What is the significance of displaying your affection for your master in public? Why is it so important to you that you will do it despite his direct order not to do so and the subsequent punishment and other negative outcomes? Any such issue can likely be looked at in this way. You may want to reflect on it alone at first and then open up to him about what you think you have learned about yourself. He may even have his own reasons for having the rules in place that your open communication will help him express to you. There is history and motivation behind our actions and we can better control them and respond to restraints placed upon us when we understand the impetus that would lead us to stray.

Strength in Knowledge,
lovingpet

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 8

RE: Submissives and overemotional reactions - 2/20/2008 8:35:57 PM

breatheasone

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Joined: 7/14/2007
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I'm going to agree with some of the others here and say FOR your master you have to calm down...because he does not like this behavior #1 and #2 he is thinking of with holding information from you. Is that what you really want?.....so calm down....acknowledge the mistake THANK your master for being so wonderful and understanding in forgiving you and move on. Good luck with this...I know its hard...but worth it.

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Post #: 9

RE: Submissives and overemotional reactions - 2/20/2008 8:38:17 PM

christine1

Posts: 6155
Joined: 12/15/2007
From: i'm headed to HIM...
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i used to do this a lot. i do it every once in a while now, but once i got rid of that imaginary "perfect woman and submissive" that i used to have in my brain and realized that i'm fine the way i am, it happens less and less...in all areas of my life.

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RE: Submissives and overemotional reactions - 2/20/2008 9:17:17 PM

TemptingNviceSub

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Joined: 10/1/2005
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Sometimes he thinks about not telling me when I make a mistake, simply because of how extremely I react....

I am sure that when you over-react as you do, that in some way you are taking the control away from your Dominant...The above sentence you wrote above gives me this impression...a kind of, unconscious form of manipulation...if such continues,and he starts to keep his mouth shut for fear of upsetting you, then it will be you who is the Dominant in this relationship...Tempting

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(in reply to PrincessEllie)

Post #: 11

RE: Submissives and overemotional reactions - 2/20/2008 11:22:16 PM

MaamJay

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Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

Have to agree with all that has been said. By over-reacting you are in fact topping from the bottom by administering your own punishment AND making it worse than your Master wants to administer! Big no no! And that perspective was my key in stopping this behaviour ... that and the building trust over time that Master knew and accepted i was human and wasn't labouring under the delusion that i was perfect! i used to get so contrite it almost scared Him ... and He said the same thing, He hesitated to correct because i was so upset. MY BAD! And once a good sub friend of mine pointed out this perspective ... and i mentioned it to Master and He enthusiastically agreed ... well, that was enough for me to get my act together. Now i am appropriately remorseful ... but it is up to Him as to how He chooses to deal with that. Usually it's a simple correction, occasionally a lecture, rarely i am told to sit quietly and think it over till i am able to discuss it calmly!

I hope this will be your signal to get your act together too OP ... and control your responses.

Good luck!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

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(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 12

RE: Submissives and overemotional reactions - 2/21/2008 3:14:02 AM

CarrieO

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Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline

I'm guilty of this behavior. Self-deprication is a way to, I've been told, try to say I'm sorry for taking up space. Crazy, I know, but I learned it at an early age and old habits die hard. It has been drawn to my attention by a "friend" who also doesn't care for the fact that I'm always saying "I'm sorry" for no reason. I think its very interesting how we develope ways to deal with insecurity....that's what I feel it comes back to. Maybe that's why I like having speech restrictions....it forces me to respond and react in a no-verbal way which makes me think first.

Plus...it really is a way of topping from below and is that really what I/you're all about?

Just my opinion.

(in reply to PrincessEllie)

Post #: 13

RE: Submissives and overemotional reactions - 2/21/2008 3:51:26 AM

laura23

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Joined: 6/28/2007
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Sometimes you can get even more upset because you realise you're making it all about you, and you punish yourself even harder, it's a negative circle...

The things that go around in your head at that moment are so mean you would never say them to someone else. If anybody (even you) would hear them, they would say you're a cruel bitch, why be so hard on yourself? I try to calm myself, then imagine that it's my friend that is upset about something. I say the things to myself that I would say to a friend when she feels bad, to build her up, to put things in perspective.

Overall, it's a game you're playing, so don't take it too serious, it should be fun. It's okey to make mistakes, everybody does, even your Dom.

(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 14

RE: Submissives and overemotional reactions - 2/21/2008 5:34:25 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
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Where did you learn to respond with extreme shame? Who drilled it into you that you doing anything wrong shamed them? Who taught you that unless you were perfect you didn't deserve love? This comes from family of origin issues. Fix that, and it won't be an issue here.

BTW not all Jews are taught that shame at being a fallible human is the appropriate response. Nor all Catholics, even though I've known more than a few who do this. Nor do all Hindus or Moslims.

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RE: Submissives and overemotional reactions - 2/21/2008 8:02:48 AM

SimplyMichael

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Joined: 1/7/2007
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quote:

3) Realize that by spending all that time and energy into beating yourself up, you're actually making it all about you, rather than spending the time and energy in recognizing the source of the problem and working together to be of better service next time.

BINGO

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 16

RE: Submissives and overemotional reactions - 2/21/2008 8:10:16 AM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
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agreed .

any behaviors we humans do, we do for the pay off...we are getting something out of it.

and we cant shift behaviors until you get really nakedly honest about what our pay off is.

so what is your pay off?

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RE: Submissives and overemotional reactions - 2/21/2008 8:14:47 AM

crouchingtigress

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From: Maui
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also i just read that the current issue you are having is PDA, i wonder has he drawn clear lines of what you can and cant do with him in public?

if not ask.

if so luxuriate in what you are allowed to do, and do it with excellence....

put your focus on what you are getting, not what you are not.

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

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RE: Submissives and overemotional reactions - 2/21/2008 8:15:26 AM

Leatherist

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I told them this too.

Stop being a selfish little attention slut. This sort of behavior will get you IGNORED to break it.

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I'm not taking custom orders.

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Post #: 19

RE: Submissives and overemotional reactions - 2/21/2008 8:26:54 AM

PrincessEllie

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Joined: 11/30/2006
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Thank you very much everyone who has replied. I'm going to try and respond to as many of the comments as I can.

I am working very hard to overcome my need for perfection in my relationships. I am content being medicore at just about everything else, but my guilt kicks in overdrive when it comes to being a good girl for my master. The base of it all is how I was raised, from a very young age my parents expected a lot from me in the area of my schooling. They tried so hard to make me an A student that I now hate school and everything in relation to it. As well as the fact that I steadfastly avoid them because they have an uncanny ability to make me feel like I can never do anything right. I did also go through a time as a teenager when I would physically hurt myself as a punishment for being a 'freak'. I felt that I was not on the same level as my peers and I needed to be punished for this so that might be a better person in the future. I was stupid, I was ugly, I was shameful, I had to pay for being such a disgusting thing. That is something I have left in my past, though. I do not generally feel that anymore. I think the only reason this sort of guilt materializes in small doses in the conflicts with my Dom is because I desperately love him and need him, and I want to show him how much he means to me with my actions. When I am good, it makes him happy. I desperately want him to always be happy. I feel that when I make a mistake, I lower his level of happiness.

I over react and become emotionally violitile when he corrects me. The correction in question is a small one. I know that he dislikes PDA other than the usual hugging. He does not mind holding me, that I know. And he had admitted that one of the things he loves about me is the fact that I am always all over him. And considering that only a year ago I was horribly unomfortable with people even touching me on the arm, I've come a long way. My mistake was not acessing the situation correctly. I became too touchy for his comfort in a formal situation. I explained to him that I took the cue at so what my behavior should be from the other couples present. He then informed me that his sister's manners are not something to emulate, which I now understand. I realize my mistake now. Had he explained to me what was acceptable decorum beforehand, I would never have been in such a confusing position. I do not blame him, my social retardation is no one's fault. He sometimes forgets that I am unsure and cofused in social situations. Our conflict, in this case, was simply a product of poor communication. I was not sure how to act, and took cues from the wrong person, therefore accidently making him feel awkward, a thing he is most unfamiliar with. He, in turn, has never explained to me what he prefers my manners to be. He has, in the past, convinced me not to be so cold at formal functions. I was simply having a problem judging the right level of behavior for this situation. Now that he has brought attention to it, I shall not make such a mistake in the future.

In retrospect, I was topping from the bottom, in a sense. I am not a top, and I've never wanted to be. So when people explain that I have done such a disgraceful thing, I become most alarmed. I realize now that he only wanted to mention my mistake to me, and that it did not lower his value of me. By reacting strongly with such abject shame, I took my punishment into my own hands, something that he did not wish. He did not wish me to be upset at all, he did not wish to punish me, he only meant to inform. I must try my hardest to, next time, take his criticism as constructive and leave the punishment up to him.

_____________________________

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But whips and chains excite me
So tie me up
Or hold me down
And bite me baby, bite me!

http://www.cafepress.com/scenedayware
--Discreet BDSM day clothes--

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 20

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