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girlfriend new to bdsm - 2/17/2008 12:08:51 PM   
johngreen


Posts: 5
Joined: 7/11/2005
Status: offline 		Hi

I am in the situation where i have been open with my girlfriend about my interests after keeping it in. She is more vanilla than into the scene. We have discussed it and she is interested in trying things like dressing up, light bondage such as tying up with tights and light spanking, but she isn't into the gags,whips, etc

I am very happy being with her, and she is very important to me and i have explained that the submissive bdsm interest i have isn't to do with sex. She now understands that this is a need i want to have still and is happy for me to explore this further, maybe go to munches and clubs, just as long as she knows.

has anyone been or are in the situation where either dominant or submissive, they have a seperate bdsm life to the vanilla side with their partner?

regards
john
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: girlfriend new to bdsm - 2/17/2008 12:26:19 PM   
TheLookingGirl


Posts: 162
Joined: 7/26/2007
From: A city near you.
Status: offline 		I have not been in that situation. Though I have dated some who were not into bdsm (which is always disappointing) it's a pretty big part of what I want in someone. I haven't broken up with anyone for that reason *that they don't enjoy it* but needless to say the relationships have not lasted, in my experiences. There are plenty of married couples on this site who have a vanilla married half and a master/slave on the side that thier significant other knows about and accepts. I'm surprised no one has responded yet.

_____________________________

The strongest & most effective force in assuring the long-term maintenance of power is not violence in all the forms deployed by the dominant to control the dominated,but consent in all the forms in which the dominated acquiesce in their own domination.

(in reply to johngreen)
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RE: girlfriend new to bdsm - 2/17/2008 12:50:40 PM   
LadyLolly


Posts: 140
Joined: 5/21/2005
Status: offline 		Lucky you and bravo for having the guts to discuss it with her.
In addition to honest communication in letting her know that you are attending, perhaps discussion of her comfort level of limits to your exploration. Is she good with passive participation (observation) only or is play with others acceptable and if so to what extent? 

Curious as to how you approached the subject with her since you did get a positive response. 

(in reply to johngreen)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: girlfriend new to bdsm - 2/17/2008 12:57:42 PM   
johngreen


Posts: 5
Joined: 7/11/2005
Status: offline 		Hi ladylolly

It was a case of if i did't say, then we would split up, she is very open and understanding and doesn't want us to split up. She has said that she is happy to try nee things, but that some things are just to much which i fully understand. She understands that it is a part of me, which i have kept in, and now feel better about.

Does anyone else in this situation keep both sides completely seperate? as this i woild think is best. I love to be controlled by a dominant, but with her we are together. She has a better understanding no that its not a bout sex in bdms but a need sometimes to be dominated

(in reply to LadyLolly)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: girlfriend new to bdsm - 2/17/2008 1:19:12 PM   
sublibrarian


Posts: 96
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline 		I'm in a long term relationship with my boyfriend who is reasonably vanilla. Luckily, our relationship has been polyamorous from the start so I was free to find someone else to satisfy my bdsm cravings. In fact, my boyfriend encouraged me to find someone as he knew he couldn't satisfy my need to be dominated. I have a Dom I see about once a week (more if I'm lucky) and having the two very different relationships makes me really happy. If your vanilla partner is okay with you playing with others, I think it can work out well to be with her but get your needs me elsewhere. (But then again I'm a big proponent of polyamory.)

(in reply to johngreen)
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RE: girlfriend new to bdsm - 2/17/2008 2:56:20 PM   
probablyknowme


Posts: 1875
Joined: 9/19/2007
Status: offline 		Well, I am happy to hear that you have such a good start on this with her.

I, on the other hand, was not as successful introducing BDSM into my eleven year long relationship. I was 30 when I found this lifestyle, brought it to my husband, and he agreed to try it with me. We went to a few munches, one party, and bought a few toys. I thought the exploration was going really well, he was learning and trying some things with me. We were communicating, and talked about our needs ad nauseum. Then one day, during a fight, he told me that he was not going to do that "perverted sh*t" with me anymore. To say the least, that part of my needs went right back to being buried. And to be perfectly honest...I kind of checked out of the relationship.

I will never try to have a vanilla relationship again. This is a real need I have too, and will never be happy without it being fulfilled.

So, good luck.



_____________________________

The human mind is like a TV set. When it goes blank, it's a good idea to turn off the sound.
-Anon.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/NewcomersOK/


(in reply to sublibrarian)
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RE: girlfriend new to bdsm - 2/17/2008 3:51:05 PM   
HerLord


Posts: 697
Joined: 2/14/2008
Status: offline 		I hope I am reading too much into this. But it sounds dangerously close to you are trying to get your girl to do things she has not considered before and maybe marginally distasteful to her. I speak on this from experience not what you have said. So with this opened thusly, allow me to get this out and HOPE I have this wrong.

If it is so that she is willing to experiment, my first suggestion is let her take control of the... "learning". Be there for her to offer support and be an ear to bounce words off of. Understand that you are not there to sway opinion of newly registered information and ideas, but just as support ONLY! Concede that as a new concept of living, this will spin her head.

WARNING!
It has been my experience that as the introducer of ideas, you will lose her only to find that down the road she will find she either like the life or not with resentment for "pressure" into it. So to this avail, be VERY VERY VERY consciensous of how you approach this path. Your introduction could be permanantly imparted.

I have heard countless timess, "My girlfriend is new..." and the guy really just trying to coherse his girl into ludeness beyond what she wants and everything heads south fast.

If this is in fact not the case good luck and happy hunting. My only real advice in the reality that you present is

AT HER SPEED!

_____________________________

"People as a whole think they want to hear the truth, until they hear it." -Stormism

(in reply to probablyknowme)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: girlfriend new to bdsm - 2/17/2008 4:47:29 PM   
LadyLolly


Posts: 140
Joined: 5/21/2005
Status: offline 		Hi john,

HerLord is also making a very important point that I was going to pick up.  All this stuff is new to her - not so to you.  Be considerate and don't push her beyond her comfort level or she likely will bolt/slam the door screaming in panic.

You didn't asnswer my question as to how you introduced this concept to her.  When some one asked for my advice in "how", I like to suggest picking up a copy of the movie "Exit to Eden" with Rosey and Akroyd. It's a comedy within a non-threatening BDSM setting - even some gooshy feel good romance and a happy ending to it that ladies tend to like.  The book, by Ann Rice, gets a little more graphic and detailed with the second half going back to the romance stuff makes for a good second step.  Third step, depending on her own tastes and what may have piqued her interest, encouragement for little lite experimentation - that she is in complete control of.  Wet her feet so to speak, try it on for size.....
Playboy's forum (or other available sources)  with stories of all kinds is a good place to find scenarios that appeal to you.  Perhaps circle what you find of interest in one color and she can do the same in another. If you come up with a match(s).....well then, there you go.  In time as she becomes more familiar and more comfortable her horizons may broaden and meld with your own .  No guarantees.  The open communication and care for each other can  take you far, hopefully in a journey together.

My opinion, together is better if it can be.  Why do you feel it is better separated?  Just as important, how does your S/O feel? 
If she feels trapped by an ultimatium to save the relationship that's not a good place to be and it will come back to bite you.

      

(in reply to johngreen)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: girlfriend new to bdsm - 2/17/2008 5:19:15 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Many of us. I had an agreement with my second husband about it. He was vanilla, I am not. He knew everything I did, knew my subs and slaves and knew many of my friends in the scene. It can work. (We divorced for other reasons than the lifestyle)

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to johngreen)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: girlfriend new to bdsm - 2/17/2008 5:19:27 PM   
HerLord


Posts: 697
Joined: 2/14/2008
Status: offline 		I encourage seperated on grounds that, as dom I know My will is imposed on my love regardless of what words or actions I take. I do not suggest thrust her into it alone... just seperated and supported. If his will is present, it might be influencial on her own assesment.

_____________________________

"People as a whole think they want to hear the truth, until they hear it." -Stormism

(in reply to LadyLolly)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: girlfriend new to bdsm - 2/17/2008 7:38:47 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		She's willing to do some light stuff and learn about it, but that isn't enough for you. You expect her to go from knowing nothing to do edge play immediately?

Is that how your first experience went? You went out on a date, your partner mentioned she was kinky and 20 minutes later you were chained to a cross being whipped until you bled? Or did you have a learning curve where you tried different things and found out what you did and didn't like?

If you want your gf to become your mistress then why not start submitting. And allow her to set the pace of when she wants to try things and what she wants to experiment with.

Because to me you don't seem submissive, just a do me bottom. Which is fine if you're honest about it, but that isn't how you're representing yourself.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to HerLord)
Profile   Post #: 11
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