Taking back

Taking back (Full Version)

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ThistleDown -> Taking back (2/10/2008 7:31:00 PM)
I guess I'll just jump right into it then... My stepfather is an extremely demanding man and to cope with the sudden change from my single mom (a permissive parent) to two parents one of which is very authoritative, I began using my submissive nature. I learned pretty quickly that everything is always better if you just do what you're told without asking or arguing. I didn't recognize it at the time but I was beginning to submit. Now I submit more quickly, more readily, and more fully to that man than I've ever submitted to any being I willingly chose to submit to before or since. I have a master that I am intimately involved with who I am trying to submit to but I keep coming up to these road blocks and I couldn't figure out where they were coming from because I knew /somehow/ that I could be more submissive but there were still these problems with trust. It didn't make sense until I sat down and wrote out word for word the self talk and thoughts that were going through my head after a particular incident with my step-dad. That's when I recognized that my problem is that my submission is already being taken up by this other man and now I don't know how to get it back. It's so ingrained in me, it's so automatic and I never meant to give him this gift I just meant to make things easier on the family. Has anyone else ever felt this way or struggled with something similar to this? Any suggestions on how I might be able to break these habits? all comments/questions welcome ~puppy Just as a note, I have posted about this to my journal for Master to see when he has time (he is busy right now), he will be informed as soon as he's available.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Taking back (2/10/2008 8:13:24 PM)
Honestly, I think therapy would be the most helpful thing for you. Being "the good kid" is a very common thing in families like yours or in families where there's an unstable person due to a mental disorder or drug/alcohol abuse. I'm an ACOA and I was very much "the good kid", so I know that therapy can help a lot. Master Fire

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Taking back (2/10/2008 8:16:07 PM)
I think it would be best for you and your master to work through it together- if he can understand exactly how the pattern grew in you to begin with, he can actively work with you to break down and rebuild new ways of perspective and processing that will be mostly free of those problems. So, as much as possible, please include your master in your discovery and working through things. For whatever you have to do alone, please recognize that being trapped in a biological/non choice family life as a child is NOTHING the same as an adult free relationship choice unless you allow it to be. Obviously you can never erase years of training and molding, but you can choose to take the good and leave the bad. You can understand how it happened without letting it control you and force you to go that way again. Mostly, just be aware. Recognize when you come to that point that these are two very separate people with two very separate purposes in your life.

xolarkinxo -> RE: Taking back (2/10/2008 8:17:31 PM)
*puppy,* This is a tough one to answer. Thinking back to when I was a little younger than you are now, I did "submit" to my father's and to my mother's wishes. I am not talking in a sexual context just that I was always the "good child" in the family. Eventually, I began to acknowledge that their wishes did not always match up with mine. I had my own views of the way my life should be lived. It did take a period of uncomfortable adjustment to going against them. I think it is a normal part of growing; growing away from your parents; or stepfather, in your case. I imagine it would be even harder if there is oppositional viewpoints between your Master and your stepfather. You did not mention that is the case, but I could see that as a potential problem. Allow yourself to disagree with your stepfather if you do, and begin to say no to him. Eventually it gets easier. Trust yourself to know how you want to live your life and that you have your own desires, wishes, and ideals. Best of luck to you. *~Larkin*

ThistleDown -> RE: Taking back (2/10/2008 8:31:44 PM)
MasterFireMaam~ Thank you for the suggestion. I’m in counseling but I’ve been feeling like it’s time for me to get a new counselor. This one doesn’t seem to know quite how to help me anymore and I’d been starting to wonder if I shouldn’t just try to get over such things on my own. If you don’t mind, what is ACOA? Please don’t mind my slowness.. LuckyAlbatross~ Thank you too for your suggestions. For now I’m on my own physically, but the plan is for him to move out here in the spring/summer time. I try to pay attention to the patterns in my behavior a lot (I like to be as self aware as I can be) but I wasn’t sure how to ask Master to help me with that. I think you’ve helped me form the beginning of that conversation. Xolarkinxo~ And Thank you also for your reply. My master hasn’t met my step-dad yet but I don’t think they’re going to get along. They have some similarities but so far Master’s pretty sure from what I’ve told him that he doesn’t like my step-dad. We’ll see how the first meeting goes.. oh goodness. o.o

xolarkinxo -> RE: Taking back (2/10/2008 8:46:17 PM)
*puppy,* *ACOA is an Adult Child Of an Alcoholic. That's me too. Good luck with the meeting.* *~Larkin*

ThistleDown -> RE: Taking back (2/10/2008 9:00:21 PM)
Oooh. I'm smart. hehe My first dad was/is? alcoholic but it didn't have much impact on me.. at least I don't think so... my second dad (the step) was too before my mom met him but he's replaced that habit with new ones now. My first dad has managed to cut back on drinking and replace it with other habits a little too. The annoying thing is that my mom left my first dad for poor.. um choices and married the creature she's with now because he seemed better but now we're back in a very similar boat we're just dealing with too much tuna instead of too much salmon.. anyway.. Sorry I digress.. Thanks for filling me in.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Taking back (2/10/2008 9:25:29 PM)
ACOA = Adult Child Of Alcoholic Oddly enough, though, the person who was unstable enough for me to "behave" was my mom, not my dad (the alcoholic). Granted, part of what helped keep her unstable was my dad, but I'm convinced she had/has untreated bipolar. My dad used her unstablility (uncounsciously, I think) to help pit us against each other so he'd always be "the good guy". As far as doing things on your own...I believe you can. We can do a lot ot therapy ourselves. But, sometimes it's nice to have an outside, objective opinion. My therapist really only gave me specific things to think about; they didn't offer any miracle cures. Master Fire

ThistleDown -> RE: Taking back (2/10/2008 9:54:51 PM)
MasterFireMaam~ I believe very strongly in self-help. I believe anyone that can help themselves in a situation should at least be trying to (assuming there is help to be needed). Asking questions is kind of my fall back plan when I don't know what else to do. I start asking questions of who ever will listen and kinda bumble my way on from there.. which leads me to my next question do you have any suggestions on how to bring up D/s in a conversation with a counselor? I feel like it's an important part of who I am and I'd like to be able to talk about it with my counselor but the last time I brought it up she kinda shrugged it off and didn't wanna hear about it. I take that to mean it's an uncomfortable subject for her so I won't go there anymore but maybe with future counselors there could be a better way than just one day blurting out "so.. despite all that stuff about A B & C deep down I really do wanna submit to my guy" any suggestions for that? Thank you again for your replies. ~puppy

DominaSmartass -> RE: Taking back (2/10/2008 11:36:02 PM)
puppy, In regards to your counselor and D/s - don't forget who is paying whom. She is providing you a service in exchange for money and if she is not willing to talk about the things that you need to talk about then she is no longer serving you. Perhaps time to find a new one. If you google "kink aware professionals" you should be able to find some lists. I just clicked on your profile and whoa! you're in AL (I'm from there.) I know a great therapist in B'ham who is very liberal and open minded so contact me on the other side if you are able to commute up there for therapy and would like the details.

DesFIP -> RE: Taking back (2/11/2008 5:14:45 AM)
Another good child here do to instability in the home. Perhaps the fact that you had to submit to not be the target for his anger is why you can't turn over power now. You've never been permitted to have personal power that you can turn over. And you can't give away what you don't have. Try ACOA meetings, they're very helpful. As far as therapists, I just asked mine "How knowledgable are you on alternate sexuality?". She was fine with that, actually I think she'd be fine with anything. I do find that the more knowledgable therapists are the better trained ones. I don't find that ostrich hiding it's head attitude in a clinical psychologist but I've run into it in social workers who've set up a private practice. They just don't have the training to deal with things they've never encountered in their own lives. You're the boss when it comes to therapy. You decide what you want to talk about and what you don't. If they don't want to follow your agenda, then vote with your feet.

LadyHathor -> RE: Taking back (2/11/2008 5:30:47 AM)
Quite frankly, doing what you're told to keep family peace, can not IMHO be equated to submission in a D/s relationship--you have have given no gift of submission to your stepfather---the gift you have given is keeping the peace, nothing more---and I can assure you that the only dynamic you got back was he didn't raise the roof--that is now what D/s is about and far from what submission to another is about either. I'd say take a good hard look at YOU, what are your dreams for life, what makes you crazy, what makes you happy, what do you want---and that is where you need to start the communications with everyone. If you have life issues, D/s may need to be on the back burner until you can smile at you again. *I wish you well and remember you cannot attend to another, until you can first attend to yourself.*

ThistleDown -> RE: Taking back (2/11/2008 1:21:08 PM)
DesFIP~ The thought that I don’t have the power to give in the first place has crossed my mind. That’s actually how I explained it to my master. I told him, I’m taking it back a little piece at a time and as I get it back I dust it off, patch it up and hand it over to you. Part of me thinks this might not be such a good idea. Does it mean as much to give him something I never really had? Is it enough that I was supposed to have been the one in control before he showed up? Sometimes I think the answer is no, sometimes yes. What about me? Is it healthy for me to not ever have taken complete control of myself for myself? I’m afraid that if I take back my power and hold onto it for any length of time I’ll find out I’m only submissive because I’m used to someone else having the power. I’m afraid I’ll find out I really don’t like being submissive as much as I thought. I haven’t lived at home for more than a week at a time in the last two years until now. For medical reasons I live with my parents again (temporarily) so I have two years of experience being mostly on my own but two hours away in a college dorm doesn’t quite cut all the strings… especially with phones x.x LadyHathor~ I agree that the submission in a D/s relationship is different from what I do at home. I suppose the problem is the ways in which they are outwardly similar. I have problems with the dynamic in my family and it’s hard not to carry them over into my relationship with Master, especially so because of how the two are similar (they both have an obvious –at least to me- power exchange). Just as a note, with the term power exchange here I mean it very literally: power has exchanged hands from me to someone else. The terms/conditions under which the power exchange occurred is what’s different and I guess I’m struggling with remembering that it’s different with Master. I’m figuring this out as I say it so I hope I’m making sense. If I contradict myself (as I seem to be good at on occasion) it’s only because I have conflicting thoughts/feelings that I’m trying to sort out and I would appreciate it if who ever notices pointed it out. Sometimes I don’t notice and it helps to have someone say “hey! You’re not making any sense!” Anywho, Thank you both for your input, it’s been very helpful. =) ~puppy

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