Humiliation

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Mj1 -> Humiliation (2/7/2008 12:00:44 PM)
I am not in a relationship now and I have not been active in this lifestyle for that long but several things have surfaced that surprise me. Humiliation is a significant part of the lifestyle, obviously. It is something I want to do, or have done to me for a Mistress very much. Many Domme's I've chatted with seem to shy away from the humiliation aspect. I should mention any relationship I'd be involved in would be respectful and understanding from both sides. I want to show my respect, submission and eagerness to please so much that I want the responsibility put in my hands. To find creative ways to humiliate, punish or degrade myself for her pleasure and entertainment. I know I can come up with things that I'd hope would impress my Mistress. But if she doesn't enjoy it, that kind of defeats the purpose. My question is do you enjoy that. Simple examples might be instead of her taking the time & effort to spank my balls with one of her shoes, she could order me to do it to myself or better still I would suggest it to her and proceed to entertain her but adding a detail or two she hadn't thought of before to surprise & entertain a bit more. Or instead of being told to humiliate myself by rolling naked in a mud puddle, I would initiate it and add a bottle of corn syrup, some baked beans and a box of thumb tacks to roll in. (These are just silly examples. I'd only be limited by my imagination) I realize humiliation represents a small part of the D/s relationship (more of the fun part), but I want to please in this area too. Am I wrong in thinking this would not bring a smile to my Mistress's face? Some I've talked to, think this shows a weakening of their control. I think it proves their dominance over me. I don't believe in bondage. I want to stand resolved and ready to accept what is required of me until told otherwise. I want to be proactive in providing amusement and entertainment for her. Comments please? Thank you

MistressVnus -> RE: Humiliation (2/7/2008 12:10:46 PM)
I think you should ask your Mistress what SHE would prefer. We are each different about how something like that would affect us and our sense of Dominating you. Me, personally, I wouldn't like it unless I told you to do it. Your eagerness takes all the humilation factor out of it for me. Real humiliation, to me, is something that makes you uncomfortable. And, obviously, this isn't making you very uncomfortable, but rather seems more like someone relishing the feelings of being a show off. A "class clown" if you will. At least that's the way I see your intent. Besides, it's more fun when I can take the credit for the "imagination" process. Especially if I have managed to find something that you are totally unprepared for and "really" makes you feel humiliated and embarassed .

AAkasha -> RE: Humiliation (2/7/2008 12:12:23 PM)
I really enjoy humiliation. However, I don't get much enjoyment from making a man do all the things he wants me to do to him. Sounds like you are looking for a woman to execute your fetishes. Isn't it better to have a woman desire to dominate you and humiliate you in a way that makes HER hot instead? You said you don't care for bondage because your style of submission is somehow better. Isn't it about what gets HER off? If not, I recommend seeing a pro. Akasha

ProlificNeeds -> RE: Humiliation (2/7/2008 12:13:26 PM)
Sometimes one of the most powerful aspects of humiliation is the unanticipated. When you are suddenly blind sided with "Do this" right then and there with no time to process or come to grips with it. I think self humiliation can be good too, so long as it's focus is still on what SHE wants, not what you think is fun. If she thinks tying you up like a bad dog is amusing, then that's what should happen. It makes you uncomfortable, even angry maybe, that could be exactly what amuses her, and isn't it really about your Domina's entertainment? or is it just about grand standing for attention? I've always been proactive in offering ideas to my dominant partners, they like it on the whole, with one very critical condition. My suggestions are just that, suggestions, they still decide what gets done, they still have the control to change things on the spur of the moment. There's no "Aww but I wanted to do X, Y, Z for you, not A. B, C." If it's for the Dom's amusement, do what they want, not what you want.

undergroundsea -> RE: Humiliation (2/7/2008 1:59:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ProlificNeeds Sometimes one of the most powerful aspects of humiliation is the unanticipated. Indeed. That said, there is the matter of compatibility with respect to the humiliating activity. I think it is best when the activity is hot for both persons. I consider humiliation that creates true emotional discomfort to be SM humiliation. I think most people engage in D/s humiliation where the activity is not intended necessarily to create emotional discomfort but to serve as a ritual to show the respective dominant and submissive roles. This distinction is also relevant for compatibility. Cheers, Sea

Leatherist -> RE: Humiliation (2/7/2008 2:12:24 PM)
Sometimes, the real humiliation is who you submit to. Nothing more is required.

Parataxis -> RE: Humiliation (2/7/2008 3:37:32 PM)
quote: You said you don't care for bondage because your style of submission is somehow better. Isn't it about what gets HER off? If not, I recommend seeing a pro. Shouldn't it be about what gets BOTH off?

bobipanti -> RE: Humiliation (2/7/2008 3:46:17 PM)
Not getting what you want or need can cause a great amount of humiliation also. Thus a sub who wants a specific type of treatment in order to fulfill his/her thoughts of humiliation may get humiliated even more by a Domme who treats the sub in a way that is out of the ordinary and totally unexpected.[:o]

AAkasha -> RE: Humiliation (2/7/2008 4:45:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Parataxis quote: You said you don't care for bondage because your style of submission is somehow better. Isn't it about what gets HER off? If not, I recommend seeing a pro. Shouldn't it be about what gets BOTH off? Right. So he needs to find someone who enjoys humiliating him in the way he wants. Femdoms who enjoy humiliating men on their terms can seek partners that fit that criteria. Sounds simple. Last I heard this is about "female domination" and men "submitting." If he wants a sub-focussed, sub-first scene, he needs to see a pro. If he wants to submit to the desires of a femdom, he has to be willing to put his needs second or wait for someone who has the exact fantasy he does. Akasha

MistressFaye1 -> RE: Humiliation (2/7/2008 8:47:59 PM)
Personally I would not find it amusing. brat does and says things that he thinks I will find amusing but all I get from it are thoughts about how immature he is. I also wonder what the true motive is for behavior like this. If I want to humiliate it is in a way that really will. I never did get the "self humilation" thing. Maybe because that's what it is, for "self". Faye

needDomme -> RE: Humiliation (2/7/2008 9:23:26 PM)
AAkasha, You are so very articulate. I don't think anyone could have said it any better. need

MaamJay -> RE: Humiliation (2/7/2008 9:56:12 PM)
This is a "do it myself" fantasy which to Me, has stuff all to do with submitting and is of zilch interest to Me. Maybe there's a femDom out there who doesn't want to dictate terms ... who is happy to have the sub do all the thinking ... who wants a sub who believes they can outsmart the Domme and do things in a way that's more or better than She says ... NOT ME! I would consider that totally insulting and disobedient. I just want one that's obedient ... who does what I say when I say to do it and how I want it done. Unfortunately there seems to be a lot of "laundry list" and "do me" boys out there! Maam Jay aka violet[A]

DominaJayde -> RE: Humiliation (2/7/2008 10:10:13 PM)
For me that would take away ALL the fun and pleasure I get from my making My Boys do things that make them feel uncomfortable, or yes, humiliate them in some way, all I need to know from my Boys is what sort of things make them cringe a little, blush even, and then I have no problem in deciding how to push their buttons in the way that I want. For them to decide to add, of their own bat, to anything I have asked/required them to do defeats the purpose for Me. There is no obedience in that. DJ

sillyfrillyboy -> RE: Humiliation (2/7/2008 10:22:28 PM)
Allong these lines Ladies what would be a good way to discuss triggers. For me embarrasment could be fun but could trigger something that might actually really hurt me emotionally. Allong the same lines as hitting to hard with a flogger, although humiliation is not a hard limit for me cause I think I would enjoy a Miss enjoying watching me squirm there is some real dangerious psychology at work here and most Dommes that I have talked to would not want trigger some childhood trauma for example. So what is a good way to say... ok that was a little to close to home for me. Anouther thing that this could bring up would be public humiliation which once again I think could be very interesting seeing her getting off watching me squirm but I wouldnt want to do it infront of people who are not into what is going on. Like wearing a collar to a munch would be fine but to a nice restraunt would be something I just couldnt do. Not because of the level of humiliation but that I would be ruining the other patrons evening out to eat. If that makes any sense. respects; john

MisPandora -> RE: Humiliation (2/7/2008 10:35:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha I really enjoy humiliation. However, I don't get much enjoyment from making a man do all the things he wants me to do to him. Sounds like you are looking for a woman to execute your fetishes. Isn't it better to have a woman desire to dominate you and humiliate you in a way that makes HER hot instead? You said you don't care for bondage because your style of submission is somehow better. Isn't it about what gets HER off? If not, I recommend seeing a pro. Akasha nods In my mind, it can't be genuinely humiliating if he wants it. But then again, I think what the OP is speaking of is his "fantasy" and not real humiliation for the enjoyment of the domina. Who the hell wants the stench of a slave covered in slimy baked beans in her house?

MisPandora -> RE: Humiliation (2/7/2008 10:51:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sillyfrillyboy Allong these lines Ladies what would be a good way to discuss triggers. For me embarrasment could be fun but could trigger something that might actually really hurt me emotionally. Allong the same lines as hitting to hard with a flogger, although humiliation is not a hard limit for me cause I think I would enjoy a Miss enjoying watching me squirm there is some real dangerious psychology at work here and most Dommes that I have talked to would not want trigger some childhood trauma for example. So what is a good way to say... ok that was a little to close to home for me. Anouther thing that this could bring up would be public humiliation which once again I think could be very interesting seeing her getting off watching me squirm but I wouldnt want to do it infront of people who are not into what is going on. Like wearing a collar to a munch would be fine but to a nice restraunt would be something I just couldnt do. Not because of the level of humiliation but that I would be ruining the other patrons evening out to eat. If that makes any sense. respects; john All of these issues are a part of what should come out in negotiations. Negotiations are a two-way conversation that discuss what will keep all parties safe -- physically and emotionally -- during the duration of your relationship, be it for an hour play session or for a year long contract (or longer.) Negotiations are not conversations where you dictate to her how things are going to be. Issues that should come up in conversation include past good and bad experiences, hard limits, physical/health concerns (bad back, bum knee, sore neck from sleeping funny last night, diabetic, seizures, pacemaker, etc); known psychological or emotional triggers (including words that are off limits). I also ask the person each and every time (if I don't know) -- when they've last eaten, and whether they are feeling well today. I go so far as to learning what is a safe/appropriate beverage for them to consume should they not be conversational. I've found this especially important for newbies/novices and folks who have a medical condition. If anything comes up during my negotiations -- we discuss it. I want to understand what happens (or has happened) should something go wrong. Most people with a health issue know their symptoms -- they know whether they pass out instantly, whether they get an aura or strange feelings/cravings/visions before something goes awry. Knowing that before you enter into the play arena prepares you for much of what could potentially go wrong.

MaamJay -> RE: Humiliation (2/7/2008 11:04:13 PM)
Yes that makes sense john. I would discuss potential triggers in the negotiation phase of a new relationship. Simply tell Her stories of things that happened in your past that were a bit too much for you. Try to clarify if you want to avoid them completely or whether you might try a little light play around that with the use of a safeword to stop things going too far. Folks often forget that safewords can be effective in emotional play as well as physical ... perhaps more effective as the sub isn't so often in a drifty space where they forget to use them! I'll give you a couple of egs here ... one potential sub of Mine had once been held at knifepoint. Unsurprisingly, knife play was a no no in the foreseeable future, though had the relationship developed over considerable time, perhaps they might have allowed Me to explore it a bit (maybe with a blunt knife for eg) to see if they could start to win the war over this situation in their own mind. Or another eg ... I am a BBW ... while as a sub i can handle a bit of good-natured teasing ... taunting me about my weight wouldn't be a really great relationship-builder! Neither would making me squirm or feel guilty with every bite of food. So those sorts of things should be talked about upfront when the sub (or the Dom/me for that matter!) knows they could be a problem. There are always things you don't predict that you can still stumble on during play! Depends on the collar with the nice restaurant ... ok, a big metal thing with spikes would look out of place, but a nice dressy "collar" could look fine. i have a range of collars (as in the actual objects) which take me from fetish parties to balls LOL! However, my actual "collar" is an identity style bracelet that never comes off and doesn't need to. I appreciate your concern for other patrons and that's good to remember ... but you can consider carefully just what will be noticeable and what won't. I am interested though that you consider wearing a collar as humiliation ... to me (and to Me LOL!) it is a privilege, even if you are not formally "collared". Maam Jay aka violet[A]

sillyfrillyboy -> RE: Humiliation (2/7/2008 11:31:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MaamJay Yes that makes sense john. I would discuss potential triggers in the negotiation phase of a new relationship. Simply tell Her stories of things that happened in your past that were a bit too much for you. Try to clarify if you want to avoid them completely or whether you might try a little light play around that with the use of a safeword to stop things going too far. Folks often forget that safewords can be effective in emotional play as well as physical ... perhaps more effective as the sub isn't so often in a drifty space where they forget to use them! I'll give you a couple of egs here ... one potential sub of Mine had once been held at knifepoint. Unsurprisingly, knife play was a no no in the foreseeable future, though had the relationship developed over considerable time, perhaps they might have allowed Me to explore it a bit (maybe with a blunt knife for eg) to see if they could start to win the war over this situation in their own mind. Or another eg ... I am a BBW ... while as a sub i can handle a bit of good-natured teasing ... taunting me about my weight wouldn't be a really great relationship-builder! Neither would making me squirm or feel guilty with every bite of food. So those sorts of things should be talked about upfront when the sub (or the Dom/me for that matter!) knows they could be a problem. There are always things you don't predict that you can still stumble on during play! Depends on the collar with the nice restaurant ... ok, a big metal thing with spikes would look out of place, but a nice dressy "collar" could look fine. i have a range of collars (as in the actual objects) which take me from fetish parties to balls LOL! However, my actual "collar" is an identity style bracelet that never comes off and doesn't need to. I appreciate your concern for other patrons and that's good to remember ... but you can consider carefully just what will be noticeable and what won't. I am interested though that you consider wearing a collar as humiliation ... to me (and to Me LOL!) it is a privilege, even if you are not formally "collared". Maam Jay aka violet[A] Ma'am Jay; I dont really think of it as humiliating I was just trying to come up with something quickly... Like a dink I actually bought three already before I was told that a collar is a symbol of being owned:). So I have only worn one once to a munch although one of the Ladies I talk to on here that I will be meeting shortly said she didnt mind and told me to wear it if I liked it and to not worry so much about what others thought until I had a Miss to serve. The Domme I know that was there actaully enjoyed how embarrased I got about doing something I believed as socially unexceptable... I turned quite red. So short story long I dont find it embarrasing to wear a collar like that at a munch because it does help me feel submissive and to stay in that role as I do have a tendency to switch at times. I think a type of humiliation is being told to do something social unacceptable around every day people was what I was getting to and that would take it from a terrible hot bright red face to a nausious tummy because I have learned to respect those around me and think of other peoples needs before my own wants. Generally speaking. As Always I appreciate your feedback ladies I goble up every piece of information I ask and love being able to voice my novice questions in a mostly non judgemental forum. respects; john

sillyfrillyboy -> RE: Humiliation (2/7/2008 11:41:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MisPandora quote: ORIGINAL: sillyfrillyboy Allong these lines Ladies what would be a good way to discuss triggers. For me embarrasment could be fun but could trigger something that might actually really hurt me emotionally. Allong the same lines as hitting to hard with a flogger, although humiliation is not a hard limit for me cause I think I would enjoy a Miss enjoying watching me squirm there is some real dangerious psychology at work here and most Dommes that I have talked to would not want trigger some childhood trauma for example. So what is a good way to say... ok that was a little to close to home for me. Anouther thing that this could bring up would be public humiliation which once again I think could be very interesting seeing her getting off watching me squirm but I wouldnt want to do it infront of people who are not into what is going on. Like wearing a collar to a munch would be fine but to a nice restraunt would be something I just couldnt do. Not because of the level of humiliation but that I would be ruining the other patrons evening out to eat. If that makes any sense. respects; john All of these issues are a part of what should come out in negotiations. Negotiations are a two-way conversation that discuss what will keep all parties safe -- physically and emotionally -- during the duration of your relationship, be it for an hour play session or for a year long contract (or longer.) Negotiations are not conversations where you dictate to her how things are going to be. Issues that should come up in conversation include past good and bad experiences, hard limits, physical/health concerns (bad back, bum knee, sore neck from sleeping funny last night, diabetic, seizures, pacemaker, etc); known psychological or emotional triggers (including words that are off limits). I also ask the person each and every time (if I don't know) -- when they've last eaten, and whether they are feeling well today. I go so far as to learning what is a safe/appropriate beverage for them to consume should they not be conversational. I've found this especially important for newbies/novices and folks who have a medical condition. If anything comes up during my negotiations -- we discuss it. I want to understand what happens (or has happened) should something go wrong. Most people with a health issue know their symptoms -- they know whether they pass out instantly, whether they get an aura or strange feelings/cravings/visions before something goes awry. Knowing that before you enter into the play arena prepares you for much of what could potentially go wrong. Oh ok Ma'am. I just didnt want to take anything away from her enjoying it or being a person who tries to top from the bottom. For me I was a very fat child and was often teased about it by not only people at school but by my parents and sister. I know there is allot of nudity in many scenes and being made fun of about my wieght or being reffered to as a piggy would really by a show stopper I think :). Yet I see that allot on CM. So from what you are saying it is ok to say something like... "My sister used to tell me all the time how I was to fat to ever attract a women when I was an adolescent so I really dont like that." Just an fyi I love my sister... she is the bestest... well maybe my niece is the bestest.. awh heck i dunno... just felt I needed to add that since I was kinda bad mouthing how she was when she was young. respects; john

MaamJay -> RE: Humiliation (2/7/2008 11:43:47 PM)
yw john. The whole wearing collars thing is a sticky wicket LOL ... for Me the collar that denotes ownership is much more of a mental thing though it may be symbolised by a particular physical collar OR other piece of jewellery or symbol. Because so many young people wear them as a fashion accessory, it's rather taken the edge off wearing them only to denote ownership for many. And I agree with you about being too covert in public, it's disrespectful to those who haven't consented. That said, there is a lot of subtle public play that can be done which is huge fun ... there was another thread on that recently. Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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