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Making the lifestyle work beforehand... - 2/6/2008 2:01:51 AM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline 		For the last year and a half I've been active on the message boards.   There always are the debates about the definitions of labels.  Do we try hard to squeeze into labels or simply apply the ones that best fit us.  Then the spin off topics of the labels being natural or not.  Naturally submissive, Naturally Dom and the countless yadda yadda yadda debates that go on and on.  

I personally view/look as BDSM itself as label that best fits me.   I actually started engaging in BDSM play activities before I even knew anything formally about BDSM and the lifestyle itself.   My kinky desires, thoughts and fantasies have always been a part of me since I was kid.   Needless to say I grew up in a mixed minded Vanilla/BDSM world, for me they are one in the same world.  My point being is that I don't live some double life.   While I don't go around trying to show off my BDSM sides to every tom, dick and harry, I really don't try much to hide it either.   Just common sense, awareness and respect for my fellow human being has allowed me to fit into society.   Basically, I'm not trying to show off that I'm into the Lifestyle with every shopping trip to Walmart.  You know walking a barely dressed sub/slave on the end of leash up and down the isles.  Mind you I have engaged in such off the wall behaviors from time to time, but managed to pull it off as two people just acting up and having fun at the store late at night on the weekend.  Even more so considering you get people to laugh about it. Not something I would do on a Sunday day around the time when Church services let out. What I'm trying to express is there's a time and a place for everything. 

Anyways, back to labels.  It appears that many newbies who first start getting into BDSM are really uncertain about how to fit BDSM into their day to day lives.  The whole image of cages, and dark dank dungeons and chaining somebody up 24/7 seems to have corrupted peoples minds a little at times.  Sure some people actually do this, but that more on the extreme edge and not the norm of most BDSMers day to day lives.   I had a great laugh at a recent thread about the day to day activities of people in Lifestyle relationships.   Most people actually presented a very real and normal functioning life, just like any so called vanilla person lives.  Mind you with some differences.  But the responses was not about waking up at 7am in the morning, feeding slaves still locked away in the basement dungeons, hosing down dungeon walls, and blah blah blah.  I'm certain though this does go on somewhere with some people.  I'm just saying this is not the normal life for most BDSMers.

I myself, tend to view or look at such people as literally living out bad Hollywood BDSM porno.  But this is my own view or perspective or take on it.  I literally look at these people as Living the lifestyle on the edge.   Basically M/s relationship that itself has become a form of 24/7 Edge play.   Edge play, yes people do edge play, and it comes with risks and things that can effect physical and mental health.  Hell, if it did not it would not be called Edge play!

There are many times when people post about activities that carry Physical or Mental risks, the label  "Edge play" becomes lost in a heart beat.  Mind you, I myself have engaged in Edge play, however just never took a BDSM relationship over to the edge for very long.   I think many people at least will play with taking their BDSM relationship to the edge for awhile, many people tend to snap back from the edge and balance out in the middle.   Actually, perhaps this is normal behavior, even more so for people in new relationships. A kind of a Honeymoon phase.

Some people want to live the Lifestyle to the Extremes others do not.   It's a little confusing for many newbies coming into the lifestyle for the first time.  About what is or is not proper protocals to follow, what is the right or wrong way.  Many submissives seeking out masters to train them.   Training!  This label is a bit of twisted up Buzz word.   Confusing to many what is or is not proper training.   Girls seeking out Masters to train them in the ways of the lifestyle.  Such an ambibious word training is!   I would recommend to any newbie to first train themselves by doing a lot of reading and research.  I'm not just talking about Reading the "Story of O" either.

Time and time again, I have seen and read countless post by people with fucked up BDSM relationships and issues going on.  Many of which are the same kind of problems that plague vanilla relationships.  People in the lifestyle come here to interact with other people because they can better express what is going on without the fear of being judged as freaks.   Face it, many of things people would sooner die before sharing it with their Family members or Vanilla friends looking for advice.  However, Judgement here in BDSM land also goes on.  Judgement is a fact of life though.

Anyways here's some things I've noticed where most people have problems with making a BDSM lifestyle work.
  • Lack of education regarding BDSM, and all the lifestyle options.
  • Hyper-focused D/s carried to extremes.
  • Lack of self awareness (of what one wants or does not want)
  • Not taking time to get to know their prospective partners.  Simply being attacted to somebody alone and fitting labels together is not enough.
  • Trying to make BDSM or D/s apply to every and all aspects of day to day life.
  • Not pairing up with like minded partners.

Face it, we all are a lot of odd balls, wierdo's and wacko's in many ways.  There are some very mentally troubled people that engage in BDSM.  There are many equally wacked vanilla people as well.   Some people turn to BDSM because they have issues with having functional relationships period.   

Basically, yes, there are asshole men that can't find anybody else to put up with thier abusive bullshit, they like to beat up woman, and think BDSM is the solution.  They can find some cheap and easy slave girl to literally mistreat and fuck up daily.  Basically those guys with very little self control, self respect and respect for anybody else.   Basically, they have anger management issues and are angry at the whole world.   Anger is a fact of life.    Self control or temperence is a good thing.  lack of self control or temperence can be a bad thing.   Dom or Master or Daddy is just a general label.  Does not mean that all Dom's will guide and nurture somebody.  Does not mean that they will be in control of their own life properly, let alone anybody else's life.   Some girls seem to associate agressive behavior with being in control.   DOMs do not always knows what is best.  In fact we are human beings, with human flaws!  Just because somebody loves to give another person rough Sex or be the top of BDSM activities, does not mean they are your match made in heaven!   

BDSM does not mean rough sex either.  Some people have fantasies about all DOMs being sexually driven creatures.  Time and time again, I've seen posts about Doms/Masters/Daddy's not into having Sex with their sub/slave/little girls, but rather engage in S&M or focus upon the Service aspects (cleaning, cooking and the other do me's).   It's important that people talk about these things honestly before jumping into a relationship.   Service does not automatically mean servicing anothers sex drive or lack of it either.

Both people in a BDSM have to have a sense of purpose and belonging for it work out.  It's a bit of a two way street.  Needs and wants, everybody has them.   Face it, if you are pain slut and you pair up with a DOM that is focused upon sex or having his house spotless, this just might not be a good thing to jump into.    If you are a pain slut, why would you want to be with somebody who's only gonna make you clean their house 24/7?   Same thing with you DOMs out there.  Why would you take ownership of a Painslut when you want somebody to clean your house 24/7?

Personally, I've a very sexual person, but also I enjoy service and S&M play.  There are activities I enjoy doing, that I have seen as hard limits on profiles.   If it's not a match, I move onward.   Instead of getting consumed by physical or sexual attraction and blah blah blah..  Attraction alone is not enough. 

There's this whole bit about Mind, Body and Soul.  Basically on many profiles it screams of people trying to connect on multiple levels besides just one.   Plus, there's this whole thing about a slave being a reflection of their Dom/Master.   Many people have this notion that TRAINing will conquer all and achieve this.  When it fact it's best done by two like minded people pairing up.   Submissives should pair up with a Dom/Master with an already similar mindset to begin with.   Doms should only accept applications/offers/willing submissives with similar mindset.   The word application might seem cold, however basically both submissve and Doms really are screening one another.   Dare I break the news to everybody, submissives might as well be the ones passing out applications for prospective Masters/Dom to fill out. 

If submissives started passing out "Master Card" applications, that might shed some reality on the matter.  I find it funny, that so many sub/slaves recieve rude ass emails with the classic "on your knees bitch".   Honestly, I question the sanity of all these Dom/Master who are willing to quickly accept another submission so quickly or expect it.   Personally, I want to know what the Fuck I'm taking on, and getting myself into.

What BDSM means to one person, can mean a whole different thing to another person.  What D/s means to one person can mean something different as well.   Some people want two way communcation in a D/s relationship.  Some people just want to one way communication and treatment.   Some people want physical punishment as part of the D/s dynamic, others don't want nor desire it.   Some people are negative reinforcement freaks others are more into positive inforcement.   People respond different or better to one or other.  Many people use a balance of both. 

Sure, you might think some Dom/me or sub/slave or switch is the hottest looking person on the face of the earth, but that is not enough alone.   Just because you are sub does not mean any old Dom will do.   Just because you are Dom does not mean any old hot looking sub will do either.   People tend to be on their best behaviors at first as well.   You don't get to see their ugly fucked up sides.   Plus, it's easier for people to lie or hide the truth at the beginning of exploring things.   Things that only time and good old fashioned communication can bring out.

I wanted to make this post with some thoughts on what it take to make a BDSM work, right from the beginning.  Things that many people ignore or try to look past.

There's nothing wrong with a submissive or a slave expressing their needs and everything on the table upfront in the beginning.  If they don't appear to be what you are looking for and can't meet their needs, well move on.   It's actually mindless to call them needy or greedy!  Everybody has needs and wants.  Keep looking to you find the one.   I'm simply amazed by Dom/Masters that let somebody get to them so much, that they feel compelled to write nasty emails, IMs or leave harashing phone calls.  Rejection is part of life, deal with it.    Face it, why would anybody want somebody who was not willing to submit to them? 

Just because you were rejected by somebody else does not make you any less Dom/sub or switch.  Just means you were not the right Dom/sub/switch for the other person.  I have seen time and time again, submissives/slaves start doubting themselves and Dom/mes even dealing with self doubt or sense of image issues.  Rejection does not have to be a bad thing!  Look at it as a positive thing.   Personally, I'd rather be rejected then to get involved in with somebody who's not right, or that I'm not right for them as well.   Rejection can be a wonderful thing!  Embrace it!  Cherish it, and thank the other person for it!  It will make it even more special when you finally have found THE ONE you have been looking for.

I think having a circle of lifestyle friends (online or in real time) helps a lot.  It's a support group of sorts to turn to while you explore yourself and what you are looking for.   Find like minded people for your BDSM friendships as well, and make friends with those that are somewhat experienced as well.   A mixture of BDSM lifestyle friends (subs,slaves,switches,Doms...).  Hell, just don't rely upon the advice and words of one single person alone.   The message boards here are great for seeing many different perspectives from different people.   Take what's being posted for what it is, the thoughts of many different people on the matter.  Do a little thinking for yourself while reading things.

The message board archieves probally contain nearly every BDSM relationship mistake, issue or problem by now.  There are plenty of articles on the internet too.  Try Google out, if you want to know more about an activity or area of interest.   I'm amazed at the time people devote towards looking for somebody, yet don't spend or invest the time in learning more about BDSM itself.   There are many books on BDSM, BDSM relationship and how to guides to activities.   There are many blogs online.  There are many places to explore and learn.   Don't take any one resource or any one persons writting as the truth. Beware of one wayisms.   You need to find where you best fit into BDSM or BDSM best fits you.

Basically explore yourself and get to know yourself before jumping into a BDSM relationship.   If you and your partner are both new to BDSM, take things slowly and explore together.   If you are new to BDSM itself, explore it slowly.  Get to know what you are jumping into first.   Activities such a knife play does not mean carving somebody up like a turkey, though it can for those people into Edge play.  I've notice a lot of people that have a great amount of misconceptions about various activities.   It's wise to explore and read about as many activities as you can.   Some activities do not mean it gets carried away to extremes and that it's dangerous as it sounds.   The more you know, the more you can ask a prospective partner the right questions.   Also, if you are aware of any associated risks and know more about the activitiy itself, you will know if somebody is trying to Bullshit you.   Even Edge players generally know the associated risks involved!

This has been a long winded post of mine.  Trying to provoke some thought and put this out there, let other people respond, add to it.   Hell, even present a thought or view that opposes this OP.  
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RE: Making the lifestyle work beforehand... - 2/6/2008 2:50:03 AM   
ForeverOwned


Posts: 269
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline 		Sometimes the best way to start any relationship is as friends and then go from there. Too many people start out as lovers or play partners and then wind up getting hurt and don't undestand why.

i just fell into it. i was always submissive and my first and only boyfriend (who is now my husband) is the only Dominant i have ever been with.

Although he was a little bit more advanced than i was,We both took our time to develope the type of relationship that worked for us.

Also, if we are being honest here, a lot of people are only in it for the fantasy and the sexual fullfillment, and that's great when the other person is like minded. That's not always the case though.



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Making the lifestyle work beforehand... - 2/6/2008 3:59:48 AM   
WhiteKnuckleRide


Posts: 35
Joined: 11/23/2007
Status: offline 		Interesting and timely post, Owner. As you (personally) know, I'm new to the lifestyle and to these forums (tho I've always "played" without realising it was in any ways kinky.) and it was a bit of an eye-opener coming here, to say the least. The biggest problem I have is that of labels and, specifically, the labels used in this lifestyle. They're all very negative to an outsider. Slave? Submissive? Training? Training for what? You train for a boxing match; you don't train for a relationship. The term 'master' conjures up images of someone with delusions of grandeur and/or egotistical tendencies. Although I'm not particularly interested in a d/s relationship, I do know I have 'daddy' traits; it's who I am and what I do, naturally. I've recently met a girl who wants me to cater to her submissive side, which I don't mind doing but I must admit to getting pretty worked up about it. I was reading all I could about what a dom should and shouldn't do and wondering how other people did things and was I doing it right, etc.Basically, I was stressing myself out and putting a strain on the relationship. I was also trying to do things too fast and make big blanket changes. I'm not naturally dominant, or rather, I am but it's not an in-your-face dominance and I was scared that I was supposed to be seen as this (mental) colossus with hypnotic eyes that make men quake and women get wet with a look, barking orders that people obeyed blindly. Last night, I realised that it's all bollocks. I'd previously been thinking of and looking for ideas for a load of rules to give her so she can be submissive to me and I can be this great dominant. Again, bollocks. I'd already given  her 3 "rules": she goes to bed when I say, she's to keep a food diary and another one that I've forgotten. :| I'd done that naturally because that was me looking after her and they were all to benefit her and/or us. If I said to someone "I tell T when to go to bed" without anything further, it's gonna have them thinking "What right do you have to tell someone when to go to bed?". But it's not like that, which is how newcomers (myself included when I didn't know better) are going to see things. She asks me what time she should be in bed. I'll ask her how she's feeling and if she tells me she's a bit tired, I'll say X oclock. If she's feeling OK, then it'll be a bit later.  More than likely, we'll be up talking long after the time I say but it doesn't matter. There are reasons I've asked her to keep a food diary; it's not just a case of me checking up on her "...because I can.".

This was my experience.

Regarding the attitude of some people here (it's not exclusive to this site by any stretch); sometimes I'm embarrassed to be male. I read some of the messages T gets (she reads mine, too) and you have to wonder as to the mindset of some of these people. "Nice tits" "I'm particularly fond of ample breasts on a young submissive" Ah, the anonymity of the internet is wonderful. Is it any wonder these people are still looking? You can just imagine them (or not) wanking away as they type. Get a life.          *ahem* Rant over.

An aside, while we're here. Dominants that bottom? Submissives that top?
It seems there are a lot of people on here worrying that because they're one thing, to be the other is somehow wrong. Or to be seen to switch is a bad thing.

I say: don't worry about it. Just do what you enjoy. :)



We're getting on well now; we're talking, we're playing, we're not analysing it too much, we're taking it real slow and, most important of all, we're enjoying. :)

Neill

< Message edited by WhiteKnuckleRide -- 2/6/2008 4:41:24 AM >

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RE: Making the lifestyle work beforehand... - 2/6/2008 4:35:55 AM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		I had to give a nod at the point about the difference between our cage scrubbing slave compound, and most peoples real, day-to-day BDSM life. It was only last night when my friend and I were discussing an elaborate activity played out between a Domme and her sub. He expressed he was actually nervous of ever getting into a relationship with a Domme (though he's expressed a desire for such many times). The inacurate portrayel made him think D/s relationships were all about edge play and 24/7 scening. While I thought it was rather humorous and assured him he'd be sadly disappointed with how mundane his life would still be even inside a D/s relationship, it made me stop and think.
People who come online and read haphazardly across forums and articles, can often get a very skewed vision of what to expect in a relationship that involves BDSM. I guess that falls into the labels thing, they figure they must 'fit a catagory' or they aren't 'twue' BDSMers.

Thanks for a great thread to read with my breakfast!

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RE: Making the lifestyle work beforehand... - 2/6/2008 6:51:01 AM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ProlificNeeds

I had to give a nod at the point about the difference between our cage scrubbing slave compound, and most peoples real, day-to-day BDSM life. It was only last night when my friend and I were discussing an elaborate activity played out between a Domme and her sub. He expressed he was actually nervous of ever getting into a relationship with a Domme (though he's expressed a desire for such many times). The inacurate portrayel made him think D/s relationships were all about edge play and 24/7 scening. While I thought it was rather humorous and assured him he'd be sadly disappointed with how mundane his life would still be even inside a D/s relationship, it made me stop and think.
People who come online and read haphazardly across forums and articles, can often get a very skewed vision of what to expect in a relationship that involves BDSM. I guess that falls into the labels thing, they figure they must 'fit a catagory' or they aren't 'twue' BDSMers.

Thanks for a great thread to read with my breakfast!


I love what you just wrote.  Many people seem to have this misconception of D/s relationships being all about edge play and 24/7 scenes.  Some of my vanilla friends did not understand this at first either, I had to explain it to them.

Some people are also so wrapped up in D/s they can't wrap their minds around how Dom couples work, or understand switches.  Let alone topping from the bottom, or even understand how a Dom can have a masochistic side, or a submissive have a sadistic side.  The list goes on and on.    

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RE: Making the lifestyle work beforehand... - 2/6/2008 7:24:43 AM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		Indeed! I myself suffered from confusion and dellusion coming into an understanding of BDSM. I was told I'm no sub for various reasons, what I should or should not conform to. Presented with 'why?' however, the declarations of what should and should not be withered.
It can get very tiring some days though, when you try to at least broaden the view of those around you, only to be repeatedly body-blocked by broad generalized misconceptions.

The best to date was when I chatted with a friend about D/s, and expressed my  interest in finding a 24/7 kind of relationship that involved power exchange. His reply was, "But don't you want to do something with your life?" He seemed to think 24/7 power exchange relationships meant the sub got put away in the toybox along with the paddles until the next playtime. The concept of leading a full life with all the things 'normal' people experience, while still engaging in 24/7 seemed impossible to him. He thought I literally didn't want a career, kids, family, hobbies ect.

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RE: Making the lifestyle work beforehand... - 2/6/2008 7:51:05 AM   
candigirrl


Posts: 10
Status: offline 		So many big topics online today - wow!  Thanks O.P. for contributing and helping us understand.

I wonder if people can know what they want before trying something. 

For example: If you went into a foreign resturant and looked at the menu would you ( anybody) know if you enjoyed a dish, resturant, cuisine before you ever tried it? 



I'm not into a lifestyle





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RE: Making the lifestyle work beforehand... - 2/6/2008 8:56:02 AM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		You need patience, clear perspective and the willingness to look at a bigger picture to make ANY relationship work. You also need to be fearless of rejection-and have a realistic picture of yourself.

That seems to doom about 90% of the people in this population to failure.

Break the rose colored glasses-you will be much happier in the long run.

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RE: Making the lifestyle work beforehand... - 2/6/2008 9:11:57 AM   
yrstocollar


Posts: 95
Joined: 8/14/2006
Status: offline 		Whew!! Long post but I'm totally there... wish I'd read it a year ago! 

While I appreciate all I've learned since I began reading up on bdsm, all the 'rules of bdsm' and trying to fit myself into the 'right' mould just made me confused and doubt myself... I could have just continued doing what I'd been doing for years anyway!

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RE: Making the lifestyle work beforehand... - 2/6/2008 9:19:03 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:

Basically, yes, there are asshole men that can't find anybody else to put up with thier abusive bullshit, they like to beat up woman, and think BDSM is the solution.  They can find some cheap and easy slave girl to literally mistreat and fuck up daily.  Basically those guys with very little self control, self respect and respect for anybody else.   Basically, they have anger management issues and are angry at the whole world.


where is the part about bad women?

anyway..I love to read your thoughts, although propably every one sees it differently.

upfront working of relations will propably never happen.....propably doing to much research on relation will even give problems.
Having a relation is hard work...and research can help......but...well we know..successfull relations don't come from books, not even in bdsm


< Message edited by Justme696 -- 2/6/2008 9:24:33 AM >

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RE: Making the lifestyle work beforehand... - 2/6/2008 9:30:19 AM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		Reading your well balanced post brought the thought to my mind that too often BDSM is touted as a “Magical Mystery Tour” (title of a Beatles album if you youngin’s don’t know it) when the reality is we are just folks like everyone else. 
It can certainly feel like magic with the right person, but I imagine that holds true for all good relationships.
Working together and focusing on what makes it good for all involved is the foundation.  The stuff we do, whether it is a combination of different activities or only one aspect of it is simply a variation of a theme. 
When someone says a dominant or submissive should or shouldn’t do
x-y-z my advice would be take it for what it is: meaningless noise, especially if what you are doing works well for you.
If one finds themselves banging their head against a brick wall they need to ask ‘what am I doing wrong?’ rather than blaming others. 
Pretty simple on the face of it but again, I see many who find it a mystery when the clues are right in front of them. 

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RE: Making the lifestyle work beforehand... - 2/6/2008 9:56:38 AM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		It tends to be what happens when you seek an escape from reality-as in personal acountability for one's actions.

BDSM seems to attract lots of people into it for the wrong reasons.

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RE: Making the lifestyle work beforehand... - 2/6/2008 11:29:56 AM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear Owner4SexSlave, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
Thank you for writing this original post out.  It is very fair and logical and has wonderful advice.
 
There are times when people do not realize that being in the 'lifestyle' 24/7-365; does not mean that the Master/Mistress-slave and or Dominant - submissive are in constant 'role play.'  It just means that its a committed 'life's choice' that isn't just short term like the weekend Dom, sub, Master, slave, etc.  But, the reality is--life requires effort, to include doing things to earn a living until one is retired, it takes mundane chores to keep a home maintained, clean outside and inside.  The real focus is having a relationship with someone who has other interests in addition to M/s, D/s, S&M, BDSM, etc.  This is why the post of yours was well written in my opinion.  If the focus was just on genitals alone, that really is not a true picture of the entire person and or the relationship.  This is no different when it is applied to BDSM, M/s and or D/s. There is a glamor side to BDSM, M/s and or D/s.  However, past the 'honeymoon' phase--it just isn't the glamor that mystified us.  Its the desire for a mutual relationship that has the intentions of lasting a very long time, which feeds both individuals and never lacking.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs
 
 
 
 

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RE: Making the lifestyle work beforehand... - 2/6/2008 1:00:57 PM   
Gleegal67


Posts: 218
Joined: 6/18/2007
From: Phoenix
Status: offline 		Thank you for your fantastic and thoughtful post! 

It would make an amazing introduction in a book!    <wink> <wink>

If people, in general, had common sense, clarity, education and self confidence, think what it could do for them in this vast and wonderful world!


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RE: Making the lifestyle work beforehand... - 2/6/2008 1:17:08 PM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline 		Great post Whip!
 
i do wish this had been posted when i first came to this site as a fledgling...
 
i made quite a few judgement errors and alot of compromising core beliefs because i felt that on THIS side of the kneel that i was supposed to if i wanted the "carrot at the end of the stick" so to speak.
 
Needless to say, what you have written i now know and fortunately the lessons only cost me time, tears and trial.  This really should be a "saved" thread for newbies~
 
Good to see you back on the forums
peace of beforehand,
            j



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(in reply to Owner4SexSlave)
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RE: Making the lifestyle work beforehand... - 2/6/2008 1:44:53 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

What I wonder is this.  For those kinky-wired people who get into it later in life, after reading, watching, fantasizing, planning, etc. -- would they consider BDSM 101(no toys. no roleplay. no pain. no sex.) to be too "boring" or not "edgy enough"?   I find it impossible to wrap my head around the idea of first experiences with kink to be as elaborate and complicated, or as molded by porn or what is seen or read.  How can that not wind up a bit of a clusterfuck when dealing with intense emotions, sensuality, communication, trust?  Add in the fact that often the two people are not intimate for a long period before (who wants to wait and date 3 - 6 months before starting to play? Many want to do it the first time they meet)?    But who is going to be patient enough to take baby steps?

I consider myself very lucky, because I took a very long time to get to where I am now. But who would take such a painfully slow path if you were a sexually aware adult?  My first BDSM experiences were with boyfriends around the same age, when I was a virgin, and my kinky side developed alongside my sexual side, a little at a time. So I spent a good year or more engaging in playful forced kisses, wrestling matches where he was ordered to lose, loosely binding wrists together to see if he could get away, and things really got "edgy" (laugh) when I got a pair of handcuffs.  It was a long and slow (but exciting and passionate) road to learning about reading body language, dealing with emotions like guilt, communicating afterwards about "what did that feel like to you? Do you think this is weird?", and none of it was built around anything I read in porn, saw in BDSM movies, heard about on the 'net (no net back then), etc.  I think all of those expectations bring pressure.  Add in the element of sexuality and pressure of "pleasure" and it's more complicated.

I've found that women who are trying to "learn" to become femdoms have a lot more success when they are told it's ok to dial it back to basics and start at the beginning.  I tell them that even as a "born femdom" (I have had the ideas in my head as far back as I could remember) I wasn't leading men on dog leashes, using a strap on or engaging in pain play with toys for a good few years after I started experimenting - because I wasn't comfortable with the idea yet. The foundation of *enjoying the helplessness of a man* was what I built upon, and that meant starting with situations that were pressure-free, spontaneous, and without expectation. 

By the time some adults get a chance to engage in BDSM, their head is full of all kinds of crap - mostly related to porn, or related to expectations they get from their partner.  For a femdom, this can be their downfall, because it screws with her self confidence and identity.  She has to be able to go into it for her own pleasure and at her own pace.  But that begs the question again;  Is a male sub, fully adult and sexually active, willing to take the slow road?

Akasha


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(in reply to Owner4SexSlave)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Making the lifestyle work beforehand... - 2/6/2008 3:39:50 PM   
daddyncherry


Posts: 656
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline

GREAT POST...but you tend to do that.


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cherry

Walking through life, and fear with a smile on my face.
Walking directly through the eye of the hurricane...and through to the other side..without fear....realizing everything will be okay. :)

being obedient 1day at a time

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 17
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