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Questioning - 2/3/2008 9:21:43 AM

goodgirl08

Posts: 145
Joined: 6/11/2007
Status: offline

Recently I was seeing someone I met in real life, who I knew was into s&m. Last night he told me that he did not think he was interested in a dynamic where I would be submissive to him. He said that the fact that we talked about it early on made it hard for him to get to know me as a person, even though we had no enforced dynamic, we had just discussed it.

He told me something that had never occurred to me before. He asked me why I am on sites like this, looking for a person who fits within the dynamic I'm looking for. He said I am limiting myself too much, and that I should find a good person first and then see if the dynamic fits, instead of looking someone who fits the dynamic first and then getting to know them. He said it's not genuine, or natural to do it this way...and that by identifying, to a certain degree, as submissive, it's difficult to take me seriously as a strong woman. By the way, the dynamic I look for is not necessarily an extreme one, I just need to be allowed to be submissive to varying extents.

So now I'm confused, and things like this make me wonder if I should identify as a 'lifestyler' or if I should just hope to meet someone who I click with (not on this site) and go from there. Basically, I wonder if I am limiting myself too much by seeking people who are already deeply into the lifestyle, if I should get off this site and let things happen more 'naturally'...whatever that means.

Do you ever question why you are on here, if it's going to ultimately be a good thing for you?

Post #: 1

RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 9:28:38 AM

PrizedPosession

Posts: 1209
Joined: 11/2/2007
Status: offline

Personally, i'm on here to find friends. i think that just because i am classifed as a "slave" doesn't make me any less or weaker than a women who are "dommes." It is who i am and i can't fight it...it takes all sorts of strengths to submit or to control, or even just live in general.
And you can do it both ways, you don't have to limit yourself to just this site. Find someone who meshes with you. If you feel that you are a submissive inside and out find someone that is okay with that, if you feel you can take it or leave it, go with that...just follow what you feel is right.
Being strong isn't a matter of submitting and dominating, it's the conviction behind it.
-bobcat
But that's just me.

(in reply to goodgirl08)

Post #: 2

RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 9:32:51 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

Do you ever question why you are on here, if it's going to ultimately be a good thing for you?

I think it would be much harder to find a vanilla guy to teach/train for D/s, I don't even want to go there. Heck I dated a vanilla guy who couldn't even stand the thought of a handling a vibrator...a 45 year old man. Imagine that.

I'm not here to look for a partner. If I find one I will be happy and grateful, but since I've relaxed about not finding one life is much easier.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to goodgirl08)

Post #: 3

RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 9:36:05 AM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: goodgirl08

He told me something that had never occurred to me before. He asked me why I am on sites like this, looking for a person who fits within the dynamic I'm looking for. He said I am limiting myself too much, and that I should find a good person first and then see if the dynamic fits, instead of looking someone who fits the dynamic first and then getting to know them. He said it's not genuine, or natural to do it this way...and that by identifying, to a certain degree, as submissive, it's difficult to take me seriously as a strong woman.

In that line of logic, then, you shouldn't even be looking for men. Why limit yourself? You might be missing out on some nice vanilla woman.

He wants you, he's intimidated by you, and so he has to make the error yours since you're not jumping at the chance to be with him, even though he's not what you want.

(in reply to goodgirl08)

Post #: 4

RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 9:36:17 AM

LadyHathor

Posts: 775
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline

What I do for Me, is what I choose to do that brings Me enjoyment and happiness---heck if My stable onwer had her way, I'd become a born again Christian----someone will always pass an opinion on anothers behavior---if we let accept that, we give up control---do what you want to do--besides is he afraid you will find someone better?

_____________________________

Lady Hathor, I am the Mistress Hathor of Orleans, I am what I am, often to the dismay and discomfort of others.

(in reply to goodgirl08)

Post #: 5

RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 9:39:58 AM

Sexynmentalinkc

Posts: 132
Joined: 4/14/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: goodgirl08

He said it's not genuine (for him) , or natural (for him) to do it this way...and that by identifying, to a certain degree, as submissive, it's difficult (for him) to take me seriously as a strong woman.

goodgirl,

The point I make with the changes above is...

His way is his, yours can be yours. Neither are 'true', false, good or bad. They simply are what they are...

Personally, I leave all options on the table - cause I never know what direction 'she' will arrive, so to speak.

It's my feeling, however, that I'd rather be here, or places like it, finding friends or playmates (or more) instead of dating vanilla/old-school and hoping that I *might* stumble across one that 'fits' and THEN trying to make a BDSM dynamic fly - with someone that has no prior knowledge, interest or experience. No thanks.

I'll stick to finding someone that has interests and visions of life that match my own - and that means having an interest, etc. in D/s.

Good luck to ya no matter what avenue you take!

*tips his hat*

- Mr. S

_____________________________

"I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. ...I'm certainly not. And I'm sick and tired of being told that I am..."

(in reply to goodgirl08)

Post #: 6

RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 9:43:12 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

There is absolutely no question in my mind that it's good for me to be in the BDSM cyberworld. I have been in serious, long-term vanilla relationships, and I still love and talk with my ex-gf's. However, sexual incompatibility was always a problem. I had some exposure to BDSM over the years, and desires since the age of five. I decided in May 07 that I was never dating vanilla again, and joined Alt and here. It's been great.

I think sites like this are a wonderful tool for people who can get dates and build relationships in vanilla but want something "better" -- or who are in a WIITWD-type relationshp, and want to share info or ask questions from others in that situation. The problems and complaining I see usually are generated by people who are self-absorbed or living in a total fantasy world. People who have real experience in the real world building real realtionships with real people understand that sexuality is an extremely powerful urge, but not the only important thing.

If I were married, and my wife were in an accident, in a wheelchair, and could never orgasm again, it would hurt me for many reasons, including the fact that I love seeing a woman orgasm. But we would figure other things out. That is post-commitment, though. For me to enter into a life commitment with a lady, not knowing if we could please each other sexually to the fullest -- not saying it's impossible, but she'd have to be superduper special to me.

(in reply to goodgirl08)

Post #: 7

RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 9:54:01 AM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

since when did he become your daddy and know what is and isn't best for you?

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 8

RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 9:58:45 AM

goodgirl08

Posts: 145
Joined: 6/11/2007
Status: offline

Yeah. See, I always thought I was someone who took great care to get to know someone even if we had talked about a dynamic, even if something of a dynamic was present. He made me feel like I am being unwise to be so upfront about it, and that I should bring it up later on - even though he was the one asking me the questions about what kind of dynamic I was looking for. Ugh, so confusing.

Thanks so much for all the responses so far...

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 9

RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 10:01:47 AM

goodgirl08

Posts: 145
Joined: 6/11/2007
Status: offline

This is the first time I've really experienced a 'you're not strong because you want to be submissive' attitude. It sucks!

(in reply to goodgirl08)

Post #: 10

RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 10:02:23 AM

PrizedPosession

Posts: 1209
Joined: 11/2/2007
Status: offline

i don't understand why he has such a problem. You were upfront and you should be proud of yourself for being so honest about this. It's not always the easiest.
If anything he is the confused one, i think he's intrigued in all honesty if he's asking questions.
-bobcat
But that's just me

(in reply to goodgirl08)

Post #: 11

RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 10:11:50 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

I am going to snip this, becasue I see a non-sequitor here.

quote:

ORIGINAL: goodgirl08

Recently I was seeing someone I met in real life, who I knew was into s&m. Last night he told me that he did not think he was interested in a dynamic where I would be submissive to him. He said that the fact that we talked about it early on made it hard for him to get to know me as a person, even though we had no enforced dynamic, we had just discussed it. **snipp**
He said I am limiting myself too much, and that I should find a good person first and then see if the dynamic fits, instead of looking someone who fits the dynamic first and then getting to know them.

You tried that, by hos own logic. You met HIM, involved yourself with HIM even though he wasnt a lifestyle person, and it didnt work out. You would not be happy without the lifestyle dynamic, and he would not be happy with it. So, rather than bowing out gracefully and admitting you two arent a match, he is trying to make you question what you like so that he looks more like it. He causes the problem in his own argument. Maybe I am the only one who noticed it, but he s saying as a vanilla that the mention of the lifestyle early on made you hard to get to know. When you meet a lifestyler, geting to know you in a more vanilla sense isnt difficult. Would he have prefered you hid that part of yourself from him, until you were more involved? Then the argument would have been more along the lines of building a relationship on a lie rather than what he was using. HE is not right for you. The simple fact that he is trying to shake your confidence in what you do want is proof of that. What you want scares him, he could not be dominant and therefore he cant handle the idea that you would want to be submissive. And since he cant handle that, he wants you to consider the idea that its not realy what you want, becasue its a him or it situation and he has a feeling he is going to lose to it.

quote:

Do you ever question why you are on here, if it's going to ultimately be a good thing for you?

Never once did I question why I was on here. I am here to meet other people who understand who I am and what I desire. Whether I was actively seeking partners or just loking for friends, acceptance is the goal. My desire to be Dominant is not seen as out of the ordinary. My sadistic impulses dont get me labled strange, or abusive. My partners get into the relationship knowing that we enjoy much of the same things in a more private situation and I can be mysef around them without having to worry about whether they are going to cut and run when they find out I like to bit or I have handcuffs under my bed.

You dont have to find X and fit Y into it, you meet a person and you fit yourself together with them. If you meet a vanilla person who you click with incredibly, and you can fit the lifestyle with them, fantastic. If you meet a lifestyler and you click and you fit together i a more everyday vanilla way as well, great. But you are trying to meet a person, not a way of life. Your male friend didnt see that. You have preferences, one of which is for men, another is for Dominant. ITs like prefereing blondes to brunettes... you might find the perfect brunette you want to be with, but it shouldnt surprise one if they are not your dream partner.

Hope that made as much sense written as it did in my head

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to goodgirl08)

Post #: 12

RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 10:19:59 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I heard this reason a lot when I was younger- that I needed to experience vanilla relationships BEFORE I got into authority dynamic ones.

Bullshit of course- the irony being that I am in a vanilla relationship now and thoroughly happy.

Do what fulfills you.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 13

RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 10:22:42 AM

daddyncherry

Posts: 656
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline

Hey sweetie

i can only speak from personal experience...

i have done as he is encouraging you to do, i found someone i clicked with on soooo many levels and attempted to tell him about my thoughts, feelings, desires etc. He was the one i really came "out" to initially. i spent almost 10 years with him, trying, wishing, hoping, waiting for him to become a Dom. We would drift into some stuff, but never with consistency, because it was just not a part of him. It was a hat he could put on from time to time....after a fashion he rarely put that hat on and i had given up to the point that when he did want to put it on, i soooo did not want to play the "game" with him.

While i was with him, and things would get rough and i would think that we would end, i always told myself that i would never get involved with anyone who didn't have real experience being a Dom, with someone who didn't NEED it, as i NEED it....i was so tired of not having that which i felt i needed in my life...and i hated the person that i was with him because without someone strong enough to help keep me in line, the lunatic ends up taking over the asylum. i hated the lunatic.

Is it genuine? Sure, it can be. Like i told you yesterday, i am not the same me with my Daddy that i am with my friends, family etc. Sure, there are parts of me the trickle over into each side, but i am something, someone, completely new. i am the me that i always was inside, before life and experience jaded me and made me the lunatic.

Wishing you the best :)

_____________________________

Hugs,
cherry

Walking through life, and fear with a smile on my face.
Walking directly through the eye of the hurricane...and through to the other side..without fear....realizing everything will be okay. :)

being obedient 1day at a time

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 14

RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 10:24:10 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

Why don't you send him to the forums to find out how weak we subs/slaves truly are?

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to daddyncherry)

Post #: 15

RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 10:28:08 AM

Arrrchibald

Posts: 350
Joined: 1/3/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: goodgirl08
He told me something that had never occurred to me before. He asked me why I am on sites like this, looking for a person who fits within the dynamic I'm looking for. He said I am limiting myself too much, and that I should find a good person first and then see if the dynamic fits, instead of looking someone who fits the dynamic first and then getting to know them.

There's no reason not to look both in both places.

(in reply to goodgirl08)

Post #: 16

RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 10:30:46 AM

ChainedExistence

Posts: 507
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline

If it's an important enough dynamic that you joined the site, then you are probably not going to be happy in a relationship with someone who doesn't possess dominant traits. At the same time you DO want to find someone who is compatible with you in more ways than D/s alone. Like any other relationship, you are going to have to go through your share of "not quite what I was looking for" guys till you find the one who suits you best. When you're in the looking phase, it's easy to get discouraged and wonder if you are going about it all wrong. You'll have plenty of people telling you their way is best, and maybe for a time you try that. Ultimately there is no one better qualified to know what suits you best than you. While his idea makes some sense in terms of limiting the number of potential partners, do you really want to be in a relationship that doesn't include the dynamic?
Here's one way to illustrate the point: Say you love chocolate ice cream. Would you rather go to a store that has 100 kinds of ice cream but only one kind of chocolate that might be hidden in the back and doesn't appear on the list of available ice cream flavors, or the store that specializes in 20 different chocolate ice cream flavors? I'll take my chances at the specialty store!

(in reply to goodgirl08)

Post #: 17

RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 10:33:07 AM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

First of all don't let online twits trying to feed you a car of propoganda and bullshit change what you feel is right for you.

If you want someone who's kinky and you know it outright, great go for it. It's not "unatural" or any of the bullshit he spouted to find someone who you know is kinky then establish your relationship. I'd much rather do that than hang out in the hopes that someone MAY like what I do. It wastes a lot less time in my opinion to target relationships where they're kinky.

quote:

ORIGINAL: goodgirl08

Recently I was seeing someone I met in real life, who I knew was into s&m. Last night he told me that he did not think he was interested in a dynamic where I would be submissive to him. He said that the fact that we talked about it early on made it hard for him to get to know me as a person, even though we had no enforced dynamic, we had just discussed it.

He told me something that had never occurred to me before. He asked me why I am on sites like this, looking for a person who fits within the dynamic I'm looking for. He said I am limiting myself too much, and that I should find a good person first and then see if the dynamic fits, instead of looking someone who fits the dynamic first and then getting to know them. He said it's not genuine, or natural to do it this way...and that by identifying, to a certain degree, as submissive, it's difficult to take me seriously as a strong woman.

So now I'm confused, and things like this make me wonder if I should identify as a 'lifestyler' or if I should just hope to meet someone who I click with (not on this site) and go from there.

(in reply to goodgirl08)

Post #: 18

RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 12:12:33 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

Do you ever question why you are on here, if it's going to ultimately be a good thing for you?

I think it would be much harder to find a vanilla guy to teach/train for D/s, I don't even want to go there. Heck I dated a vanilla guy who couldn't even stand the thought of a handling a vibrator...a 45 year old man. Imagine that.

I'm not here to look for a partner. If I find one I will be happy and grateful, but since I've relaxed about not finding one life is much easier.

In my experience, this tends to be true. There's really nothing worse than starting to get attached to someone and having them call you "sick and twisted". I think it's unusual to convert the vanilla, although clearly there are those that have done it, we see more often those that attempt and are very disappointed by it.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 19

RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 12:35:49 PM

goodgirl08

Posts: 145
Joined: 6/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

Do you ever question why you are on here, if it's going to ultimately be a good thing for you?

I think it would be much harder to find a vanilla guy to teach/train for D/s, I don't even want to go there. Heck I dated a vanilla guy who couldn't even stand the thought of a handling a vibrator...a 45 year old man. Imagine that.

I'm not here to look for a partner. If I find one I will be happy and grateful, but since I've relaxed about not finding one life is much easier.

In my experience, this tends to be true. There's really nothing worse than starting to get attached to someone and having them call you "sick and twisted". I think it's unusual to convert the vanilla, although clearly there are those that have done it, we see more often those that attempt and are very disappointed by it.

Hmm, interesting. I guess in this case I met someone who's into BDSM but only sexually, and thinks that outside of the bedroom it's a little 'sick and twisted,' or just not right somehow. That seems to be a whole other camp of people.

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 20

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