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RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 12:39:13 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: goodgirl08

This is the first time I've really experienced a 'you're not strong because you want to be submissive' attitude. It sucks!

If the word I emphasized, "want", is his true opinion, then he's never going to get it. For many/most/alot/whatever people, it's not a WANT, it's the way they are.

Cali

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RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 12:45:02 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
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My vanilla X never thought I was sick or twisted, least he never said so, however he was constantly hoping that I'd grow out of bdsm and out of age play, and constantly wanted to know why I was into what I was into. And for someone who can't or doesn;t have an understanding even in the slightest about why, it's hard to explain why. It's also in my mind not healthy to have one partner hoping and expecting you to forget about a large part of who you are.

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

In my experience, this tends to be true. There's really nothing worse than starting to get attached to someone and having them call you "sick and twisted".

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RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 12:46:19 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: goodgirl08
I guess in this case I met someone who's into BDSM but only sexually, and thinks that outside of the bedroom it's a little 'sick and twisted,' or just not right somehow. That seems to be a whole other camp of people.

People sometimes use the terms "kinksters" and "lifestylers" to separate the two -- kinksters being in-the-bedroom only. Most relationships aren't just white and black, of course, but yes, the urges are different.

In my case, I was interested in power exchange at the age of five, long before I was sexual about anything. It was something more primal than noticing cute girls. Many people are like that. A sub friend of mine would tie up Barbie at the age of 7, and have Ken and other dolls sit around her and watch -- acting out public humiliation well before she started menstruating.

< Message edited by RedMagic1 -- 2/3/2008 12:47:14 PM >

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Post #: 23

RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 1:06:05 PM

hisannabelle

Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
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greetings goodgirl,

i don't question why i'm on here, as i'm not really actively seeking anyone at this time, although occasionally i get fed up with the boards and tell myself i'm leaving (which i never actually do).

for me, though, it's important that the dynamic be there. i know that i want a 24/7 m/s relationship. i want to be someone else's property. all the time. so while i'm perfectly happy to meet people in the park or whatever and let the relationship develop into that - if i am seeking it actively from the perspective of a slave, i don't believe i'm limiting myself. i am a slave. i also happen to be a very strong, capable woman. if someone else doesn't take that seriously, that's their problem. all a potential partner's identification of slavery with weakness would do for me is make it easier to weed them out.

respectfully,
annabelle.

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RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 1:11:04 PM

LunaticDesign

Posts: 42
Joined: 7/5/2007
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Dear Goodgirl08,

Do not ever let anyone convince you that being a submissive makes you a weaker person. The only people who will view you as a weaker person are those who don't know anything about BDSM. It takes a great deal of strength and courage to submit to someone.

Sincerely,
Lunatic Design

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RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 2:16:31 PM

Dari

Posts: 192
Joined: 10/8/2007
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wow. Sounds like he has no idea how to be what you want, but still wants to get some, so he's making you question yourself. Never take advice or censure from people who are so uncomfortable with themselves, that differing points of view threaten them.

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Post #: 26

RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 5:03:38 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
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quote:

ORIGINAL: goodgirl08

He told me something that had never occurred to me before. He asked me why I am on sites like this, looking for a person who fits within the dynamic I'm looking for. He said I am limiting myself too much, and that I should find a good person first and then see if the dynamic fits, instead of looking someone who fits the dynamic first and then getting to know them. He said it's not genuine, or natural to do it this way...and that by identifying, to a certain degree, as submissive, it's difficult to take me seriously as a strong woman. By the way, the dynamic I look for is not necessarily an extreme one, I just need to be allowed to be submissive to varying extents.

Do you ever question why you are on here, if it's going to ultimately be a good thing for you?

Of course your limiting yourself if your only looking here for a partner. Personally I don;t like the odds. There are approx 3 million ppl within a half hours drive where I live. Compare that to how many ppl are on this site that live near me. I met a nilla girl 6 years ago trained he to be mine and never looked back.

Lot's of different views on the threads which is way I am here.

BadOne

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Post #: 27

RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 6:42:32 PM

goodgirl08

Posts: 145
Joined: 6/11/2007
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Yeah, I mean I'm not just on here looking for partners. The best people I've met so far have been friends, and in one case an almost-partner who is now a friend.

To clarify, I do not think that he is exactly uncomfortable with himself, in fact I think he knows himself quite well. I think that he simply doesn't 'get' who/what I am and unintentionally made me feel bad about it in a disparaging way. But hey...that's so common. It's so hard to explain that I consider myself both a radical feminist and a submissive, but it totally makes sense to me. It's all about choice and being able to look out for yourself and take care of yourself. I'm not necessarily interested in a hardcore ownership relationship, but even in that case it's possible to be a feminist (by my definition). Oh the dichotomy!!

Thanks for the advice again, it makes me feel better about how to balance things.

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RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 9:59:55 PM

adoracat

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: goodgirl08

This is the first time I've really experienced a 'you're not strong because you want to be submissive' attitude. It sucks!

i am my Daddy's slave. that doesnt mean i'm not strong in my own ways. it really sounds to me as though the gentleman you were speaking with is making excuses why the two of you shouldnt try to see if you are compatible, and putting it all that its your fault.

if i wanted a partner who is vanilla, i wouldnt be looking on collarme. i know a bit more about who i am than i used to, therefore i DID seek here (and find!) a man who would accept me as i am, and love me for me.

i think maybe that's what you want too?

kitten

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RE: Questioning - 2/3/2008 10:42:46 PM

ProlificNeeds

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Joined: 5/19/2007
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People will try to tear you down. When you don't fit what they understand, they try to carve you up and shove your square peg into their round hole.
Questioning yourself can be healthy, to constantly evaluate and think about what you want, and if you're heading in the right direction to achieve that. Doubting yourself and second guessing is not productive however.

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Post #: 30