Sub shutting out Dom?

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shysub0951 -> Sub shutting out Dom? (2/1/2008 9:46:54 AM)
A little background on myself first then i will ask the question: when i get stressed i will put up a wall around me and basically shut everyone out and just want to be left alone. i can also be openly defiant and get angry easily. i have been working on this so please don't tell me that i need to work on my anger first or i need to talk with someone before i get this way. That's not what i'm looking for. Now for my question: i have a part time Dom who comes over a couple times a week and he knew of this issue before we met, which is why i'm working on it now. But i feel guilty that i just can't seem to bring myself to actually talk to him about it. When he tries to get close to me i will push him away and refuse to even talk or look at him. i get openly defiant with him, which i mentioned above, and could care less what he does to me, of which i know he will never hurt me intentionally. He has left hurt, in my mind he doesn't really know what to do. i'm waiting for him to say enough is enough and leave. i will eventually talk with him afterwards, or after i ignore him and refuse to follow the rules of sending him an im every night, whichever comes first. What should i do about this? i am scared that he may leave since he has brought me out of my shell quite a bit in the past year. He says that he won't leave until i'm more comfortable with myself, but sometimes i wonder about him leaving earlier. Thank you to all

PanthersMom -> RE: Sub shutting out Dom? (2/1/2008 9:52:52 AM)
there's only so much any person will take before they've had enough. you seem to need more than just our advice, a good therapist might help you understand why you do this and ways to work around this. PM

Rover -> RE: Sub shutting out Dom? (2/1/2008 9:53:38 AM)
Copy your post. Paste it into an email addressed to him. Press send. John

Dnomyar -> RE: Sub shutting out Dom? (2/1/2008 9:56:18 AM)
Do what John said now. There is no need to carry this post any further.

MollyTroubletail -> RE: Sub shutting out Dom? (2/1/2008 10:00:23 AM)
I agree, send this letter to your dom. It takes your willingness to work on it, not just hide from it and feel guilty. No one will put up with being pushed away all the time if you also give the impression that you don't care.

shysub0951 -> RE: Sub shutting out Dom? (2/1/2008 10:04:23 AM)
Thank you to all. i have actually already contacted a KAP before and may actually go and see him (the KAP) again once i get more money in my account [:)]

ProlificNeeds -> RE: Sub shutting out Dom? (2/1/2008 10:09:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: shysub0951 Now for my question: i have a part time Dom who comes over a couple times a week and he knew of this issue before we met, which is why i'm working on it now. But i feel guilty that i just can't seem to bring myself to actually talk to him about it. When he tries to get close to me i will push him away [1]and refuse to even talk or look at him. i get openly defiant with him, which i mentioned above, and could care less what he does to me, of which i know he will never hurt me intentionally. He has left hurt, [2]in my mind he doesn't really know what to do. [3]i'm waiting for him to say enough is enough and leave. i will eventually talk with him afterwards, or after [1]i ignore him and refuse to follow the rules of sending him an im every night, whichever comes first. What should i do about this? [3]i am scared that he may leave since he has brought me out of my shell quite a bit in the past year. He says that he won't leave until i'm more comfortable with myself, but sometimes i wonder about him leaving earlier. Thank you to all 3 issues I see, which I have bolded and numbered to give prime examples. [1] - You ignore him, shut him off, and make yourself untouchable. Part of you doesn't -want- to be helped. That part of you needs to be swiftly kicked. You need eye contact control firstly. Be mad, be silent, but look him in the eye when you do it. This silent way of keeping a link will allow him to hopefully bring you back down before you seal yourself off for a fit. It's something you have to do yourself. Do not walk away and do not look away. Sit and glare if you must, but try to tough it out in his presence instead of away from him. You are ashamed of your anger and embarassed to let it continue in front of him so you flee what you think might be judgement. [2] - You want help, but you convince yourself he doesn't know how to help you, that he doesn't understand. Maybe if you gave him half a chance he would have the ability to give you the help you obviously want. Stop underestimating him. [3] - You fear him leaving, and because of that insecurity you push extra hard to test him and try to make him leave so you can feel vindicated in your insecurity. Push hard enough and he will leave, but he clearly wants to be there so stop trying to push him away in this passive aggressive struggle. If you don't want him, tell him so. If you want him, then make sure he knows it, and make sure *YOU* know it too. Some of the phrases you used hit me in a familiar place, and I suspect you may not like it, but you've got to come to terms with more than just anger. Insecurity at some sort of hurt is eating you up and making you react like a headshy animal. Build up your trust with your Dom, or you will have issues shutting down and running away for a very long time.

BlackPhx -> RE: Sub shutting out Dom? (2/1/2008 10:11:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: shysub0951 Thank you to all. i have actually already contacted a KAP before and may actually go and see him (the KAP) again once i get more money in my account [:)] Many will work on a sliding scale fee schedule. You won't know until you ask. Waiting won't help you and might even hurt more. You could also talk to an anger management counselor. Most town and cities have one available, through Public Health. something is triggering this anger and reticence, not just stress, stress may be the key opening to door, but it sounds like there is more than just stress contributing to it, as BDSM tends to be a stress reliever for most of us. poenkitten (who thinks you need to send the dom a copy of the email as well so he can work with you instead of feeling like he is working agianst both of your best interests)

batshalom -> RE: Sub shutting out Dom? (2/1/2008 11:57:12 AM)
To the OP You are a big girl, you are aware of what you do to him, you know what you don't want him to do (leave) so take control of yourself before it happens. Think about how you would feel if the situation were reversed and act accordingly.

CelticPrince -> RE: Sub shutting out Dom? (2/1/2008 12:02:10 PM)
shysub, I attempted to get a clue about you from your profile but alas there was no clue there either. Working on it!! Not seriously! On the path? not seriously! At core you have the ability to identify truely what is bothering you so deeply so just get tough with yourself girl and fix it, or let him go so he wastes no more time. CP

Thorns82 -> RE: Sub shutting out Dom? (2/1/2008 12:34:13 PM)
I agree with what other's have said, copy this to him. I have a similar problem when I get angry, I sulk and pout and refuse to talk or look at him. He finds a refusal to look at him disrespectful, and I am going to try what ProlificNeeds suggested.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Sub shutting out Dom? (2/1/2008 12:38:20 PM)
In addition to what everyone else has said, I suggest looking into WHY you self sabotage. There's some root fear that's causing you to do this. Check out the saboteur archetype and see how that's playing in your life. I also highly recommend the book, Sacred Contracts by Myss, which is where this info come from. http://myss.com/library/contracts/three_archs.asp Master Fire

thetammyjo -> RE: Sub shutting out Dom? (2/1/2008 12:42:37 PM)
You know, lots of us have emotional and psychological issues. The key is to have a partner who is able to grok your issue and you his/hers. Then you can build up the Ds rules and relationship expectations to reflect what is realistic. Sometimes what is realistic however is also a signal that there isn't enough compatibility with that particular person. So my recommendation is to stop the Ds dynamic right now. Set up a time to meet and discuss everything and go over all of those expectations, rules, and rituals as objectively as you can together. Trying make lists as individuals first and see what you can think of to work with to increase the chances for success. Then you look over everything together and decide whether or not there is enough here for both of you to work with. If so, you renegotiate from a place of greater knowledge. I know, I know. Not terribly romantic and not terribly natural. You know millions of people mate, marry, reproduce and get divorced or get abusive with each other all following the romantic, natural approach to relationships. If it doesn't work for them, what makes some of us think it will work for us? We are not that special. Really, we aren't.

petpete -> RE: Sub shutting out Dom? (2/1/2008 1:50:23 PM)
i fully agree with John too!!! Meantime find ways to deal with your anxiety.. There could be things that may make us feel uncomfortable as submissives that we find it hard to talk about with others. Sometimes it could be a simple fact that we don't thing our D understands us and if that doesn't happen it can make us very uncomfortable and it will lock me back in my shell.. (i find that can happen easy with myself)

RipTyed -> RE: Sub shutting out Dom? (2/1/2008 2:03:38 PM)
YAWN...

shysub0951 -> RE: Sub shutting out Dom? (2/1/2008 2:32:54 PM)
MasterFireMaam: i have a really good idea as to why i don't talk to him like i should, and it does have to do with my past, of which he does know about. i have a really good idea as to why i don't talk to him like i should, and it does have to do with my past, of which he does know about. And i will take a look to see if i can find the book that your referring to. ProlificNeeds: You are right, i do want the help, though having a hard time expressing it. Luckily for me i have talked with him about why he would leave and what the circumstances would be should we decide to call it off. All he wants to do is help, and i can tell that he wants to help, but my mind is screaming that i don't want the help. i have pushed his buttons one too many times, in my opinion, but he never has once said that he wants to leave. Everyone else: i value your input and have told him earlier today that we need to talk when he comes over early next week. i also want to thank you for the input i have recieved. i get full benefits from work in about 2-3 weeks, so i will most likely be going back.

TysGalilah -> RE: Sub shutting out Dom? (2/1/2008 3:09:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: shysub0951 A little background on myself first then i will ask the question: when i get stressed i will put up a wall around me and basically shut everyone out and just want to be left alone. i can also be openly defiant and get angry easily. i have been working on this so please don't tell me that i need to work on my anger first or i need to talk with someone before i get this way. That's not what i'm looking for. Now for my question: i have a part time Dom who comes over a couple times a week and he knew of this issue before we met, which is why i'm working on it now. But i feel guilty that i just can't seem to bring myself to actually talk to him about it. When he tries to get close to me i will push him away and refuse to even talk or look at him. i get openly defiant with him, which i mentioned above, and could care less what he does to me, of which i know he will never hurt me intentionally. He has left hurt, in my mind he doesn't really know what to do. i'm waiting for him to say enough is enough and leave. i will eventually talk with him afterwards, or after i ignore him and refuse to follow the rules of sending him an im every night, whichever comes first. What should i do about this? i am scared that he may leave since he has brought me out of my shell quite a bit in the past year. He says that he won't leave until i'm more comfortable with myself, but sometimes i wonder about him leaving earlier. Thank you to all { i'm waiting for him to say enough is enough and leave} This part just jumped right out from the page at me... Sounds like an honest declaration to me. I agree with Rover, copy/paste and send to him, If what you really want is to stop pushing. If you don't want to stop pushing, don't send...it would only be cruel to lead him on. If you don't want to change, then be the one who leaves, don't make him the bad guy and wait for him to do it. Fear paralyses. We build funny walls to keep pain away. We do awful things to ourselves and to those we care about the most, because we are afraid to feel. We find ways to appear we are living life, while we really are just going through the motions, our emotions and hearts balled up in a protective coating.....so not only won't others see inside, but we don't have to look inside either. Maybe none of that pertains to you ...But you are the one who used the term "walls" .. : ) and the way you end your comment {He says that he won't leave until i'm more comfortable with myself, but sometimes i wonder about him leaving earlier. } sounds like you have resigned yourself to him leaving. It is just a question of when, and that you are pretty much ok with that. If you don't talk with him, I do hope you talk with a professional who can help you. Be well : )

TysGalilah -> RE: Sub shutting out Dom? (2/1/2008 3:11:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: shysub0951 MasterFireMaam: i have a really good idea as to why i don't talk to him like i should, and it does have to do with my past, of which he does know about. i have a really good idea as to why i don't talk to him like i should, and it does have to do with my past, of which he does know about. And i will take a look to see if i can find the book that your referring to. ProlificNeeds: You are right, i do want the help, though having a hard time expressing it. Luckily for me i have talked with him about why he would leave and what the circumstances would be should we decide to call it off. All he wants to do is help, and i can tell that he wants to help, but my mind is screaming that i don't want the help. i have pushed his buttons one too many times, in my opinion, but he never has once said that he wants to leave. Everyone else: i value your input and have told him earlier today that we need to talk when he comes over early next week. i also want to thank you for the input i have recieved. i get full benefits from work in about 2-3 weeks, so i will most likely be going back. ShySub I posted my thoughts, and then found that you had just posted this......So please ignore my prior post, it appears you have already thought about what I meant to bring up.. I do wish you well : )

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Sub shutting out Dom? (2/1/2008 4:03:17 PM)
It's going to take a lot of courage- but start small. No need to scale the wall all in one fell swoop. Just making a small allowance can be a big step forward. Next time you close off, force yourself to open up enough to communicate that you are closing off calmly. Then the next time, allow him 2 questions he can ask about how you are feeling for you to answer and then drop the subject. Continue so on, at whatever pace you are comfy with. It took you years to set up this pattern of behavior, it's silly to expect it to go away any faster. It will likely ALWAYS be your first immature tired scared impulse, but you can control it and work around it. And thank your dom every day for his patience with a nuerotic chica like you :)

SimplyMichael -> RE: Sub shutting out Dom? (2/1/2008 9:29:09 PM)
Shy, what you are going through is horribly common although you got a fairly bad case of it! Remember, lots of those same people work through it and move past it, you can become one of them. While I agree with those who send send your post to him I get the feeling you have already told him all of this and are more trying to deal with your reactions? Having a loving partner is important in moving past this stuff but a good therapist can be a tremendous help. Learn to watch for what are the triggers and if you don't know, they will help you find the events in the past that created these fears, if you know what events did it, then try and structure your interactions with him in such a way that those fears are not triggered so strongly AND try and find things that comfort you when you do start to react. Doesn't work for everyone but many a submissive woman reacts warmly to a nice "good girl" and a loving session of hair brushing. Find what makes you feel safe and use that to help move through all this stuff. Someone wrote: quote: [1] - You ignore him, shut him off, and make yourself untouchable. Part of you doesn't -want- to be helped. That part of you needs to be swiftly kicked. You need eye contact control firstly. Be mad, be silent, but look him in the eye when you do it. This silent way of keeping a link will allow him to hopefully bring you back down before you seal yourself off for a fit. It's something you have to do yourself. Do not walk away and do not look away. Sit and glare if you must, but try to tough it out in his presence instead of away from him. You are ashamed of your anger and embarassed to let it continue in front of him so you flee what you think might be judgement. I think that is an interesting tactic, never heard of it but it sounds cool. One I use is to make her say things that she has trouble believing. In your case, I might ask you "who is the woman I want to be with" and make you say "I am the woman you want to be with". I do it in a nice safe warm place, both physically and emotionally, toward the end of being together. It doesn't work overnight but I have seen it work over time. The thing is you have to allow yourself to have this fear for now and deal with as a fact of life. If spending 4 hours together is too intense (or kissing, or watching movies, or whatever the trigger is) then spend 3 1/2 hours, end it well, pat yourself on the back, allow him to leave...hope he will come back and then the next day (or whenever) and then beat into your head that he DID come back to you. It won't take right away, but it will. People get through this and so will you!

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