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Online Dating and Bounded Rationality - 1/30/2008 3:25:22 PM

Honsoku

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quote:

but one thing is already clear. People aren’t so good at picking their own mates online. Researchers who studied online dating found that the customers typically ended up going out with fewer than 1 percent of the people whose profiles they studied, and that those dates often ended up being huge letdowns. The people make up impossible shopping lists for what they want in a partner, says Eli Finkel, a psychologist who studies dating at Northwestern University’s Relationships Lab.

“They think they know what they want,” Dr. Finkel said. “But meeting somebody who possesses the characteristics they claim are so important is much less inspiring than they would have predicted.”

None of this is terribly surprising, as people have misunderstood their wants and needs and have had unrealistic desires since the beginning of time. It is interesting to me as it comes down to how people deal with bounded rationality and complex choices. Most people don't handle it well. They tend to mistake a lot of choice for infinite choice, poorly account for the cost of the time spent searching, and frequently don't use or stick to the right criteria.

The article touches on a long standing debate about standards. Lots of people (especially around here) say "have high uncompromising standards, never settle". When searching, how many have asked themselves the question; how high is too high? At what point is the risk of never meeting that person, or the additional wait, worth the incremental gain in happiness by having set really high standards? There are a finite number of people in the world, and you will only get the chance to meet a very limited subset of them. Are you able to meet that other person's "high" standards? Then there is the issue of is what you thing you want, really what you want? Is it really what is important to you? Have you had the experience to the contrary to know? The combination of traits that you want, is it even possible, much less probable?

My stance is; have standards, but treat it like shopping for a used car.

Have a budget. If you are working a minimum wage job, odds are that you aren't going to find a Porsche that you can afford (remember, if it looks too good to be true, it probably is). Have certain minimums which you aren't willing to compromise on, but make sure that the collection of those minimums can be found on cars in your budget range. Have some other things that you are intent on having, but don't put blinders on towards everything else. Every one of them is going to be unique, and if you adhere to strictly to too narrow a set of requirements, you will probably miss out on some really good choices, and risk not finding anything at all. Do take the time to become familiar enough with the market to recognize a good deal, be patient enough to wait for one, but don't expect to find the deal of the century. Finally, always get the car checked out by a good mechanic before buying

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RE: Online Dating and Bounded Rationality - 1/30/2008 3:59:31 PM

NaiveTempest

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I don't see how that just applies to online dating. People have unrealistic expectations in day to day life too. I've always wondered why people pay attention to "studies" that tell them shit they basically should already know. I've decided the answer must be because we're human and "to err is the human way."

Whatever.

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RE: Online Dating and Bounded Rationality - 1/30/2008 4:37:25 PM

pahunkboy

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Thats cos what we think we want; and what we want are differen things.

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RE: Online Dating and Bounded Rationality - 1/30/2008 4:45:17 PM

MistressVnus

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I LOVED your analogies.
I DON'T buy new cars. They loose 1/4 of their value as soon as you drive them off the lot.
On the other hand, I don't want a used car with too much milage that doesn't suit may needs. IE:....a compact with 180K miles when what I need is an SUV with about 80K miles.
However, if I keep looking, and don't settle TOO much, I just might find that car that doesn't have too much milage, is still in pretty good shape, and is tough enough to handle ALL my heavier needs....*grin*
I don't need purrrrrrrrrrrrfect but, I DO need practical.

< Message edited by MistressVnus -- 1/30/2008 4:47:37 PM >

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RE: Online Dating and Bounded Rationality - 1/30/2008 6:52:22 PM

windchymes

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It's because most of the people doing the online dating are picking their dates by the photos, not by the lists, no matter how long the lists are.

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RE: Online Dating and Bounded Rationality - 2/2/2008 12:10:18 AM

Hippiekinkster

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quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

It's because most of the people doing the online dating are picking their dates by the photos, not by the lists, no matter how long the lists are.

I can't deny that I use pics to screen out those whom I deem incompatible or don't meet my physical parameters. If I see a woman on a chopper or a cowboy hat and boots, for instance, chances are we wouldn't be a good match. If someone is unappealing to me, well, they're just unappealing.

Beyond that, though, I look at the whole package, and I figure there are at least a couple little white lies/exaggerations. Like "Health Care Professional" when she's really in the billing department. Like "average" or "a few extra pounds" when an examination of her scale indicates that it underweighs by 20%. Or "well-travelled" means she's been to Cancun and DisneyWorld. Or portrays herself as being responsible, reliable, organized, etc. when in reality she couldn't keep custody of her kids, she's in debt up to her eyeballs, can barely stay employed, and snorts a pound of coke or drinks a gallon of Ernie and Hoolio every chance she gets.

I'd rather milk my Iguana for the rest of my life than get involved with many of the women on dating/sexsite.com. It's my observation that quite a few of the people on sex sites, and particularly BDSM sites, have some major malfunctions. I've got some issues, I acknowledge them, and am working on integrating/resolving them so that I can lead a wiser, calmer, happier and more fulfilling life. But I can tell the difference between the real world and DragonCon. And while I am not a mental health professional, it seems to me that many "submissives" are afflicted with PTSD, for starters, due to childhood trauma (one of my problems, too). A lot of these people are not capable of making decisions about partners with their own well-being in mind.

Ah, well, enough ranting for now.

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RE: Online Dating and Bounded Rationality - 2/2/2008 12:18:37 AM

Owner59

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I`ve had good luck and met many nice women.Not everyone is going to be your type,but that`s cool.Things take time.

Your dream date isn`t going to just fall in your lap.

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RE: Online Dating and Bounded Rationality - 2/2/2008 2:56:12 AM

hejira92

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Hey, I found Master online- here on cm. Two years now in the best, healthiest relationship of my life.

Actually, I think it made a difference that I met Him here and not match.com or elsewhere. We were both pretty self-aware when it came to our true needs in a relationship, and, being on cm, pretty honest about it as well.

I like the used car analogy to an extent. You can't be pie-in-the-sky when looking for a used car- you must evaluate your needs and wants and distinguish the two. You must realize that perfection is not an option, but still be diligent in finding the best fit and deal. I don't, however, think of people as "used". Experienced, yes, and wiser, hopefully.

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RE: Online Dating and Bounded Rationality - 2/2/2008 3:07:21 AM

SugarMyChurro

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The Apollonian Creed to "know thyself" is critical to many activities in life. It's not just good advice or something to be left for when you have time for it. Knowing who are (talents, faults, strengths, weaknesses), what you want to do (vocation/avocation), and what you want from others ( a "real" laundry list) is all foundational stuff. Honsoku's car buying analogy is not at all bad advice in my view.

I think it's fair to say that in some ways you can only learn by doing and therein lies the trap. Most people fall quickly for long-term ties to someone when they should just be experimenting and learning about each other first. Having children, buying a home together, or pursuing some other enormous mutual responsibility too early in a relationship is a huge mistake for most people. That's doubtless a controversial viewpoint and I don't expect everyone to agree with me.

But I have had really good experiences from things beginning online. Once, I blew it (see paragraph 1, above). But this time things are going extremely well. I've had some near misses in between (and some were astonishingly good experiences!), but nothing I regret. I'll call them time-killer relationships. Not everyone is right for you, they are just OK for the time being. Then you move on because you know there is more for you out there.

But you shouldn't move on from mere whim. You should really know that something won't work and why. And it's not about disliking the people you leave behind. I am still in contact with the great majority of people I have loved in my life. I don't make enemies of the people I love and love me back. And frankly, I avoid people that do make enemies of former lovers - they obviously don't have a clue and it speaks volumes about them if their former lovers dislike them, or even if they dislike each other. If someone has made decisions from between their legs before, they aren't suddenly going to make a big change for your sake.

But whatever...people do all kinds of stupid shit and you really can't help them. Very few people can step out of their own subjectivity and truly see another viewpoint objectively enough to make actually rational decisions about life in general.

And yes, I do have a rather high opinion of myself as regards these matters. Exactly so.

< Message edited by SugarMyChurro -- 2/2/2008 3:09:11 AM >

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RE: Online Dating and Bounded Rationality - 2/2/2008 10:13:18 AM

windchymes

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Hippiekinkster

quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

It's because most of the people doing the online dating are picking their dates by the photos, not by the lists, no matter how long the lists are.

I can't deny that I use pics to screen out those whom I deem incompatible or don't meet my physical parameters. If I see a woman on a chopper or a cowboy hat and boots, for instance, chances are we wouldn't be a good match. If someone is unappealing to me, well, they're just unappealing.

Beyond that, though, I look at the whole package, and I figure there are at least a couple little white lies/exaggerations. Like "Health Care Professional" when she's really in the billing department. Like "average" or "a few extra pounds" when an examination of her scale indicates that it underweighs by 20%. Or "well-travelled" means she's been to Cancun and DisneyWorld. Or portrays herself as being responsible, reliable, organized, etc. when in reality she couldn't keep custody of her kids, she's in debt up to her eyeballs, can barely stay employed, and snorts a pound of coke or drinks a gallon of Ernie and Hoolio every chance she gets.

I'd rather milk my Iguana for the rest of my life than get involved with many of the women on dating/sexsite.com. It's my observation that quite a few of the people on sex sites, and particularly BDSM sites, have some major malfunctions. I've got some issues, I acknowledge them, and am working on integrating/resolving them so that I can lead a wiser, calmer, happier and more fulfilling life. But I can tell the difference between the real world and DragonCon. And while I am not a mental health professional, it seems to me that many "submissives" are afflicted with PTSD, for starters, due to childhood trauma (one of my problems, too). A lot of these people are not capable of making decisions about partners with their own well-being in mind.

Ah, well, enough ranting for now.

I agree with you in that I can rule out some incompatibilities by the photos. I was referring to people who persue those profiles solely because the photo is of someone who appears to be drop-dead gorgeous or devastatingly handsome. You see them back in here complaining because the photos turned out to be 20 years old, of someone else, extremely photoshopped, a Glamour Shot, etc.

Also, I have met people in real life whose photos really didn't do them justice at all, they were much better looking in real life. I think it would be really easy to by turned off by a not-so-great photo when, if they had just concentrated on what the profiles said and given it a chance, maybe it would have worked out?

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RE: Online Dating and Bounded Rationality - 2/2/2008 11:36:48 AM

Hippiekinkster

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Wise words, windchymes. When I first started out with this online "dating", I tended to select potentials based mostly on physical attractiveness (to me). Slowly it dawned on me that, if only I would recall my past, I would be aware that some (many) of my hottest scenes/times were with women who would never be on the cover of Vogue. And I'd remember that many of the "beautiful" women were sexual underachievers, as it were. More concerned with their appearances than with pleasing either their mates or themselves.

I think it's time for a nap for me.