I've been coming here for some time now

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

I've been coming here for some time now

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Introductions] >> Introduce yourself >> I've been coming here for some time now

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

I've been coming here for some time now - 1/23/2008 7:19:59 PM

HizBabyGirl

Posts: 97
Joined: 8/28/2007
Status: offline

But I've kept myself mainly removed and a secret. Then tonight I saw a picture of a friend I met here, we chat, nothing else. His smile touched me when I saw his picture. And I somehow felt safe in telling him this and I want to tell you too. Because I still look to others for approval. Its something I need badly. Some say its wrong to look to others for approval, I don't know. Anyway, I want you all to know me because other people do in another place and it has turned into a nightmare. So I come to you to tell you just a little about me and hope you don't think I'm as awful as most other people seem to think. There the chance that someone will see this and they will recognize me from this other place but I don't care. I need to be open and talk to somebody so here goes. Rather than rewrite it I will just copy the letter I just sent to my friend. Here goes nothing. I won't know till later if it was a mistake. Here's the letter:

You do have a delightful warm smile, the kind of smile that would make me feel safe when I saw you.

I so want someone for me that will help me feel safe and warm and loved. I have had so much contact with people who ended up not being nice that I need that, I crave it. But I also crave a daddy who will use me for his pleasure, but always with love in his heart. Your smile made me think of that, of what I desire.

I have so much conflict going on right now that my self-esteem has taken a bruising. It is hard to explain but I find myself at the center of a huge controversy that has been going on for well over a year now. And perhaps I should step out of it and indeed I have tried several times. But the only way I can explain it is that all my life when people challenged me or hurt me or were cruel, I got so scared by it all and was such a coward that I ran from the person who did it and the circumstances and just tried to forget it. Its what I did after the first time I was raped when I was 15. Now I find memories coming back to me about the rape. It is not recovered memory, it is things I didn't want to deal with. I have remembered that I had on new shorts that night that I really liked. I had just bought them, they were navy blue with gold buttons, kind of like nautical sort of. They were really cute. They got ruined that night, the first night I wore them. I have remembered that the last person who used me whispered in my ear that he was sorry that he did not want to do it but he had to and he hoped I understood that he didn't want to look like a coward to his friends and oddly enough I felt grateful for what he said. Maybe he was as much a victim as I was. Maybe his conscience bothered him latered and he felt bad. I guess he figured whats one more but he didn't seem to enjoy and he did not do it for long so I think he was as sincere as he could be. The second person, a black man, hit me and told me it could be as hard on me as I wanted it to be if I didn't shut up. Of course I remember the first person because he was my "friend" who lead me into this nightmare. I remember feeling very stupid and like it was my fault. The other people, I do not remember it is all a blur. I remember afterward being so numb for days, like the life was gone from me and even though it was summer I felt so cold inside and dead. I wanted comfort and there was none. My mother found my shorts which were covered with cum and destroyed. That is how out of it I was. I should have known she would see that on them but I just put them in the laundry like always. When she found out she got really mad and said I was going to bring some horrible disease home to the family. I told my best friend, Therese, a little girl who lived next door to me. She was being molested by here father and so she understood sadness and she helped me in that way, she told me she was sorry. But she was younger than me and so she didn't understand a lot. She had a bad childhood but back then you were supposed to stay out of people's business. My mother, the detective, had hints of what happened to Therese but she never picked up on them.

I don't even know why I got started saying all that. Everybody said its done with forget it. Nobody wants to hear about it. Its like "oh well". And I can understand why they wouldn't cause they figure it was a long time ago and so its been dealt with but I don't think it has. I think I shoved it into a corner of my mind just like I do everything unpleasant. My exhusband was abusive and I was afraid of him. I admired people that would stand up to somebody like that and hit back but I never could. Thats why I say I'm a big chicken. I did find the courage to go to court against my exfiance but that turned into a joke.

Anyway, there is this other alternative website where everybody knows all about what happened to me. Its a long story but I met someone there, and we emailed a while and I thought he was nice and I gave him my picture but he turned out to be a jerk and he told people things and gave my picture till it was plastered all over and altered to make me look ugly. And several other things happened, its a long story. But these people want me gone and they say really mean things, horrible things, they tell me I should finish it and kill myself. Other times they send threats or publish threats to kill me. And everybody there is just going along with it. They tell me I'm crazy and should be locked up somewhere. Finally the one who seems to have been elected the leader of the place told me I don't belong there. There has been no attempt to deal with the people who harrass me and cause me to get upset. Their solution is to get rid of me. And I just decided I'm not running anymore. I won't be run off or shamed into leaving. So I stay and try to convince someone to believe in me. Its hard going there knowing that most everyone there wishes I would go away and some wish worse than that. I yell at them a lot and say mean stuff back as a defense because if I don't I'll cry and I won't give them that. Where does it end. What should I do? Sometimes I let my heart open again and then it hurts all over again when I've convinced myself they can't hurt me anymore and then they do and I feel sad for days and cry. Other times I'm proud of myself for not caving in. They've been mean to others. Its their "sandbox". Mostly the new people follow the crowd and that means jumping on against me.

I don't know why I'm telling you this. I hadn't planned on it until I saw your smile.

I sure hope this wasn't a mistake but I need to be open and let somebody in. Of course that how I got in trouble on the other place, but oh well.

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: I've been coming here for some time now - 1/23/2008 7:34:32 PM

Arrrchibald

Posts: 350
Joined: 1/3/2008
Status: offline

I didn't read any of that, but hey there! Welcome!

(in reply to HizBabyGirl)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: I've been coming here for some time now - 1/23/2008 8:16:16 PM

Verdelet

Posts: 148
Joined: 8/2/2007
From: Central WI
Status: offline

Mighty long one there young lady, and though it wasn't a mistake in my book, for introductions it might be wise to keep it short only because you want to take your time in sharing yourself with folks. Only my 2 cents worth...welcome to CM and I hope you enjoy your stay.

_____________________________

"The Masochist desires to experience stronger sensations, but desires that it should be inflicted with Love. The Sadist desires to inflict stronger sensations, but desires that it should be felt as Love." - Unknown

(in reply to Arrrchibald)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: I've been coming here for some time now - 1/23/2008 8:24:40 PM

jasmine2008

Posts: 60
Joined: 12/27/2007
Status: offline

hey welcome to cm join us more often

(in reply to Verdelet)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: I've been coming here for some time now - 1/24/2008 7:28:47 AM

LdyWinter71

Posts: 15
Joined: 12/28/2007
Status: offline

Well, where to begin?

Let me start by saying, I agree with the second reply posted here, you really should be a bit more selective as to what you share and with whom. Having said that, I don't think it was a mistake to share that with your friend. However, I do think it is a mistake to stay in the place where you are being abused...and that's what it is. I can appreciate your need to stand up for yourself, but there is no point in forcing yourself to endure that kind of blatant disrespect. If there were more people who were willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, or be decent to you, then I would say "hell yeah! If you enjoy the place, don't let a few ruin it for you!" But it doesn't sound like you enjoy the place at all, so why fight to stay? The principal? You have to pick your battles, my dear.
As for the trauma of the rape itself; It sounds to me like you are experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am no therapist, or doctor, but that what it seems like. Or, perhaps just repressed memories coming through. Either way, you need to talk to someone about these feelings, and about what happened to you.
As for the rest, well, keep in mind that people are generally as uncomfortable with talking about rape, as they are about experiencing it. Discussing it, or hearing about what happened to someone else, tends to make them uneasy. Possibly because it stirs up memories of their own (their own trauma, or that of a loved one), they feel helpless because they can't do anything about it or know what to say to you (much like attending a funeral and having to speak to the family of the deceased), or they've become desensitized to it because it's so commonplace nowadays (a very sad commentary on our times, I might add). You shouldn't take how people respond, personally. I know it's difficult, but most people don't mean anything by it. And no, most people don't understand that being raped is something you can learn to move past, but you never 'get over it'. I don't care how long ago it happened.
In any case, you are dealing with some very powerful feelings, that are absolutely valid and legitimate. You should not fear them, but face them. The longer you pack them away in the corner, the more damage they will do to you in the long run. I would, however, not explore them in such a public forum as these boards, though...

If you would like to talk sometime, I would be willing. Good luck to you, and welcome to CollarMe!

_____________________________

"I disagree with what you say but will defend, to the death, your right to say it".

(in reply to jasmine2008)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: I've been coming here for some time now - 1/24/2008 8:12:21 AM

vampiresscammy

Posts: 97
Joined: 12/25/2007
Status: offline

heyla to OP
/agree with LdyWinter

and back to OP, get yourself safe, keep yourself safe, keep yourself sane

(in reply to LdyWinter71)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: I've been coming here for some time now - 1/24/2008 9:47:14 AM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

Welcome, however, the internet is not a place to get affirmation nor should you expect those here to solve your problems for you. If you do look for it you will be sadly disappointed. You have to do that for yourself. It sounds like you have alot of stuff to deal with. I would suggest finding a good therapist for that.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to HizBabyGirl)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: I've been coming here for some time now - 1/25/2008 5:17:49 PM

meticulousgirl

Posts: 969
Joined: 2/20/2007
Status: offline

we all want to feel safe and loved.....even us "slaves" what your feeling is no more different than any of the rest of us...after all we are all human regardless of our "status" in this lifestyle.

Best wishes and hope all works out for the best....whatever that may be.

~meticulous~

(in reply to laurell3)

Profile

Post #: 8