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emotional safety - 1/22/2008 2:09:56 AM   
magicone


Posts: 53
Joined: 10/28/2006
Status: offline 		one of the things i noticed... through my own experiences and searching... is that very few websites, when discussing the safety issues involved in BDSM, talk about emotional safety, what it means, what it involves, and the dangers that are inherent to entering into a relationship as a submissive, for a submissive.
i think there's a huge danger involved on the emotional level for a submissive entering a new relationship and trying to serve, that is often neglected when speaking of BDSM and safety. the position a submissive is in, in offering herself to a new Master, is one that is, to me, uniquely vulnerable. when you open yourself up to someone, praying, owned by that Man, you have dropped all pretense. there are no vanilla games here. you are saying, "i need you, i love you, i need to be at your feet, please allow me this!" you are opening up all your thoughts and feelings and handing this person your heart on a platter to do with as they will. give your heart in this way to the wrong person, and you are in for a WORLD of hurt...
 
so what does it mean to Y/you being emotional safe? how Y/you define it??
 
thanks a lot for the replies so far ,-))
 
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RE: emotional safety - 1/22/2008 2:13:05 AM   
Willowmoon


Posts: 227
Joined: 9/25/2007
Status: offline 		Honestly I think 'emotional' safety is the same in a Bdsm relationship as it is in a vanilla relationship. In both you open yourself up to a world of hurt if it goes wrong.

(in reply to magicone)
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RE: emotional safety - 1/22/2008 3:39:59 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline 		No one is safe for emotions...emotions are dynamic.....they change..you can though try to take your time to learn some one and reduce risk to not get hurt.
But as in vanilla life....emotions will be there...good and bad

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to Willowmoon)
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RE: emotional safety - 1/22/2008 4:22:32 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Ditto what willowmoon said. Emotions rule all relationships.

(in reply to Justme696)
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RE: emotional safety - 1/22/2008 4:32:09 AM   
petpete


Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline 		magic.. You are so right on this subject!! i have heard of a number of cases of abuse.. i think that participants should take there time to know each other well before engaging and giving themselves to the D. It's just not on and under any circumstance a submissive should just give there submission on feelings alone..

_____________________________

Chief: Max, you realize you'll be facing every kind of danger imaginable.
Max: And loving it!


(in reply to magicone)
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RE: emotional safety - 1/22/2008 4:35:05 AM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		like anyone really gets that good topic thought  just a lot of people here do not have a clue what that means 

(in reply to petpete)
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RE: emotional safety - 1/22/2008 4:39:45 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		I think many vanilla relationships are somewhat more guarded, especially in the earlier stages, than bdsm ones tend to be (note I am deliberately speaking in vague generalities here, fully aware that not all will fit this!). Because of the trust levels required for bdsm play and establishment of D/s, typically people are more open, honest and transparent sooner ... which does leave you more emotionally vulnerable at an earlier stage in the relationship.

I'm not sure it's possible to guard against this as such ... simply to be aware of giving your heart too soon. Give information ... but not the keys to your heart.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to Dnomyar)
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RE: emotional safety - 1/22/2008 4:55:44 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Intelligent people do not make themselves totally open and vulnerable on the first play date. They allow the relationship to grow organically, seeing their potential partner in many different situations before deciding that this is someone safe to trust. You know, just like normal people, you date before you run off to Vegas and get married by an Elvis impersonator. Those who do it the other way around deserve what they get.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: emotional safety - 1/22/2008 5:11:32 AM   
urtoy


Posts: 55
Joined: 4/23/2004
Status: offline 		I agree with DesFIP, which is why I sttrongly disagree with conventional "wisdom" of meeting in person quickly after mutual interest is established. I prefer to get to know a potential partner before becoming intimate (be that sexual or BDSM) and find the best way is to factor out the physical until some form of emotional bond can be established. By communicating over a period of time, and listening carefully, it's possible to uncover many personality traits. Is the person reliable? Is he kind (not just to me but to people, children, and animals in his everyday life)? Is he compatible with my own brand of political incorrectness? You do the best you can, then realize that some risk is inevitable.

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: emotional safety - 1/22/2008 5:29:45 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		I think it is rare to talk about for two reasons.

First each person is unique so generalizing may seem to offer little that is helpful.

Second the myth that we are better than vanillas at things like communication makes it difficult for some to recognize problems or they dismiss them as vanilla and therefore not necessary to discuss.

For me, I think that emotional safety starts with the self. Each person needs to be as solid and as mature as possible before they start this journey. You won't be perfect, you may not be close, but you should be aware of your issues and be willing/able to work on them.

I also believe that emotional safety means being involved with things outside of BDSM and especially Ds. I insist that someone who is with me maintain family and friendship connections if those are healthy things for them. I believe it can be very easy (especially for someone who is submissive) to allow him/herself to become isolated. I think that is not only unhealthy but also a great way to end up not in a Ds relationship but in an abusive relationship. I think it good for everyone to have multiple connections to the world and the people in it.

Finally I think emotional safety requires that we be able to get objective about things from time to time. Re-evaluating how we feel, what is happening, and whether or not this is beneficial to everyone is exceedingly usefully. Some folks do this weekly or monthly while others only do it when contracts are up for renewal. I have never met a Ds/Ms dynamic I respected where those involved did spend time as individuals or as a collective to evaluate things from time to time -- it could be formal or informal but it was done as part of the work necessary to maintain the dynamic and help it thrive.

Just my thoughts.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to magicone)
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RE: emotional safety - 1/22/2008 5:31:04 AM   
charmdpetKeira


Posts: 916
Joined: 6/2/2007
Status: offline 		Being emotionally safe is being realistic; understanding emotions are reactions to our perceptions.
 
Keeping it real helps avoid emotional crashes, which tend to cause an oversight of valuable information. It also allows for the enjoyment of the present, while limiting the chances of that enjoyment becoming tainted, if the relationship does not work out.
 
k (who believes; emotions are meant more as a compass then a map)

_____________________________

Life is tough, that does not mean it isn't fair.

There is no wrong choice, only consequence.

(in reply to magicone)
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RE: emotional safety - 1/22/2008 5:39:03 AM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: magicone

so what does it mean to Y/you being emotional safe? how Y/you define it??
 


It means that my trust in this person is not misplaced.

(in reply to magicone)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: emotional safety - 1/22/2008 5:57:34 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		for me it means being fully aware that all my choices, and all my results, are mine.

there are no hard and fast rules.

to use celestes rule, if i play with someone i just met, it is because i trust myself to asses the risk and the reward...and if i have made a mistake i trust myself to navigate it effectively so that all my "mistakes" actually become tools for my journey of self, and always then become my greatest gifts.

i personally have made choices that involves me living this life on the edge.

however if i knew myself to be the sort of person who wallows in pity and blame, then i would not play on the first date because if something went wrong i would be running the risk that i could fester for days, weeks or years.

< Message edited by crouchingtigress -- 1/22/2008 6:00:22 AM >

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to batshalom)
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RE: emotional safety - 1/22/2008 8:26:11 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Having your heart broken is only injury that is really common in bdsm, the rest are mostly apocryphal.  Moving too quickly, not having boundaries, and a lack of self awareness are the common causes.

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
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RE: emotional safety - 1/22/2008 8:46:12 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Having your heart broken is only injury that is really common in bdsm, the rest are mostly apocryphal.  Moving too quickly, not having boundaries, and a lack of self awareness are the common causes.


that is a good conclusion. And good to read..to make one remember


_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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RE: emotional safety - 1/22/2008 8:53:08 AM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		I'm one of those freaks that knows for myself a D/s relationship is indeed different and stronger than a 'nilla one. The only people that have given me the sense of emotional safety are those that have lived on the D/s side of life and it means to me that I am safe. Just that, that no matter what darkness I hold inside their views of me don't change. R has without a doubt given me more emotional safety in our 7 plus years than anyone ever has. It doesn't matter what he knows about me, he still holds me in the same light and he will never look at me with disdain or disgust at who I really am. It is absolute safety in being able to be completely without barriers. *For me.*

_____________________________


~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).




(in reply to magicone)
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RE: emotional safety - 1/22/2008 9:01:49 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: magicone
so what does it mean to Y/you being emotional safe? how Y/you define it??

In two words.... common sense.

Personally, and this is entirely my own opinion, I don't find BDSM or D/s relationships to be any more dangerous or risky or special or anything else than "vanilla" relationships.... with one exception, they're more kinky.  Barring edge play I don't see anymore physical risk than in a vanilla relationship.  What I do see are people who over analyze things, over state risks, and over play these relationships because they want them to be more special, and I think some even want them to be more dangerous (i.e. edgier and therefore more thrilling).

People get abused when they get involved with the wrong partner... that is equally true whether we are talking vanilla or BDSM.
People get hurt when they do something without being careful... that's true whether its edge play or some newlyweds trying out something they saw in the Kama Sutra.
People get their hearts broken when things don't work out with someone they cared deeply for... that's true of submissives, slaves, lovers, you, me, pretty much everyone.
People need to communicate well for a relationship to work... again, universally true.
Honesty and trust are very important to a healthy relationship... also universally true.

In other words... a relationship is a relationship is a relationship.  Adding BDSM means adding another dimension, one of kinks and fetishes and some common sense needs to be applied in how that's done.  Adding a D/s or power exchange element to a relation alters the dynamic... to some degree, but other things remain the same.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe what we need are fewer articles on how to do bondage, or how to use (or whether to use) safewords, or what makes a master or a submissive, or how to do this or that... and maybe just more discussions of how to simply form healthy relationships.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to magicone)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: emotional safety - 1/22/2008 9:16:15 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

I'm one of those freaks that knows for myself a D/s relationship is indeed different and stronger than a 'nilla one.


camille,

There is nothing wrong with that statement.  There is a big difference between saying "a D/s relationship is better for me" and saying "D/s relationships are better than vanilla".

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to camille65)
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RE: emotional safety - 1/22/2008 9:21:10 AM   
GingerLou


Posts: 15
Status: offline 		Having an owner whose actions match his words


_____________________________

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

(in reply to Padriag)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: emotional safety - 1/22/2008 10:07:06 AM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear magicone, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
Emotions are a very private and exclusive thing to individuals, to include myself.  I dare not assume, presume and or such a slave's 'total' emotions.  External emotional manifestations I can understand and or associate with yet, the soul is something only a slave can touch and allow/permit others to touch.  I also feel, emotions are not in a solid state and are moving constantly as it associates with sensations, words, actions/treatment and or enviorment.
 
Knowing what emotions I have, my sensitivities and the like; I tend to be tough to get through in certain areas of my emotions.  It takes 'trust' in another that is earned on a consistant basis before I open the doors wide and be open to hurt and pain.  As a Dominant, I am weary of slaves/submissives who thrust open their doors and expose themselves so recklessly to a stranger, even if it is I.  I want to eventually get there but, only when I have earned your trust, respect, investing yourself in me as I invest in you.  As much as a slave may wish to open themselves up immediately--some may not be able to handle a huge thrust of emotional 'lava' per se and would appreciate a slow flow and increase as they can manage.  Since emotions injure and scars are un-seen; I depend on a slave to communicate how their emotional self is managing.  The last thing I personally wish, is to hurt/harm/injure a slave's emotional being.  I can pick up on external signals/cues but, I depend heavily on my slaves feeling free to tell me where they are mentally as well as emotionally, to include changes.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to magicone)
Profile   Post #: 20
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