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Odd self loathing... - 1/16/2008 7:00:40 PM   
lablancsecret


Posts: 73
Joined: 11/27/2006
Status: offline 		Hey everyone,

I didn't know if the General BDSM forum would be the appropriate place to post this, so I'm trying here.

At any rate, I'm currently in a vanilla relationship with a very nice, non dominant guy. I get along well with him, but I'm not a "touchy" person: he tries to hug me, and snuggle, and while I realize that thats perfectly okay and normal, I just feel odd and perhaps squiked out by it. I don't feel comfortable or happy.

Its not because he is pervy, or acts inappropriately, so I can imagine that the problem lays (psychologically or physically) on my side.

So, my issue is threefold: Am I not attracted to him because he isn't dominant? Why do I hate being touched? What can I do to stop this aversion?


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Just remember this: I'm not asking for it, I'm pleading for it.

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RE: Odd self loathing... - 1/16/2008 7:56:14 PM   
CuriousLord


Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		A lot of times, when someone acts like that, they've been sexually abused.  (Not based off any Psycology class or formal statistics, just.. personal experience.)  I'm not sure what the deal is in your case.. if there's some reason you might feel like that?

The other thing might be that vanilla life can feel more fragile and innocent.. makes sex more tabboo, since that's the nature of society.  Maybe you just feel differently when in vanilla mode?

Since I don't know more about you, I'm afraid that a lot of this is rather wild speculation.  I can think of several things it might be, but I can't figure out which, or even confirm it's one of those things at all.

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RE: Odd self loathing... - 1/16/2008 7:57:39 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		I'm not sure I'd go much farther than there's just no chemistry.  I've dated some great guys that when they kissed me I thought man this has to be what kissing my brother would be like.  I don't know how you save it when it's like that, I've never been able to.

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I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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RE: Odd self loathing... - 1/16/2008 8:03:27 PM   
lablancsecret


Posts: 73
Joined: 11/27/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousLord

A lot of times, when someone acts like that, they've been sexually abused.  (Not based off any Psycology class or formal statistics, just.. personal experience.)  I'm not sure what the deal is in your case.. if there's some reason you might feel like that?

The other thing might be that vanilla life can feel more fragile and innocent.. makes sex more tabboo, since that's the nature of society.  Maybe you just feel differently when in vanilla mode?

Since I don't know more about you, I'm afraid that a lot of this is rather wild speculation.  I can think of several things it might be, but I can't figure out which, or even confirm it's one of those things at all.

Its funny, because the sexual abuse angledoes come up frequently, and I can't recall any abuse, and I don't think any ever occured. But, I understand what you mean.

And I guess you might be right, perhaps my vanilla mode is just very very different than my kink mode.

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

I'm not sure I'd go much farther than there's just no chemistry.  I've dated some great guys that when they kissed me I thought man this has to be what kissing my brother would be like.  I don't know how you save it when it's like that, I've never been able to.


You know, that may well be the case, but I have no idea how to break it to him. Its just that I've had similar problems with men and physical affection before, so he's not the first, this is just the first time I've really recognized it and been proactive about adressing it.


_____________________________

Just remember this: I'm not asking for it, I'm pleading for it.


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RE: Odd self loathing... - 1/16/2008 8:13:40 PM   
CuriousLord


Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

I'm not sure I'd go much farther than there's just no chemistry.


Sounds pretty plausible.  Again, it's all speculation, but I think laurell3's idea might just be the plain and simple case.

I guess the issue is.. if you can't fix it, what are you going to do about it?

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RE: Odd self loathing... - 1/16/2008 8:18:15 PM   
lablancsecret


Posts: 73
Joined: 11/27/2006
Status: offline 		I guess I should tell him? But... I'm not a very confrontational person, and I don't know how he'll take it.

But obviously some action is required. Its an akward situation, as he is friends with several of my friends...


_____________________________

Just remember this: I'm not asking for it, I'm pleading for it.


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RE: Odd self loathing... - 1/16/2008 11:33:11 PM   
Termyn8or


Posts: 18681
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline 		At 47 I can tell you this, if you got a good guy at 19, you should be able to spring this on him. Just get him to tie you up, and a bit later have fun, unless you don't do that yet.

At 47 I can tell you this, live life to the fullest each and every day, because those days are numbered. Not by some mystic force, but by time eternal. You could be dead tomorrow.

You have a right to happiness in your life, and if you can't get it where you are, move on. At your age you can start over at least two more times, but as those judge shows teach, no joint accounts, no nothing without marriage, and no marriage unless you really want it. It can become a big pain in the ass. And no marriage. It's just a piece of paper when you boil it all down.

All day long people post things on the net that indicate that they can't tell their soulmate this or that. BULL FUCKING SHIT. If a true soulmate you can tell then anything, I mean anything, unless you really fucked over a family member of theirs or something. Other than that if you can't tell them everything, they are not truly a soulmate.

Just a thought.

T

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RE: Odd self loathing... - 1/17/2008 12:03:32 AM   
CuriousLord


Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lablancsecret

I guess I should tell him? But... I'm not a very confrontational person, and I don't know how he'll take it.

But obviously some action is required. Its an akward situation, as he is friends with several of my friends...


I hope he's someone you can sit down and talk with.  If not, you'll just have to leave bluntly.  If so, you can sit down and talk about things, letting him know your intentions and that you're going to go.

Some people favor a quick break up.. say it, then go.  Personally, I tend to think sitting down and talking it out, explaining why it just can't happen and breaking it off cordially is the best way to go.. especially if you'll still see the guy in your normal life, because then your chances of being able to be normal friends on good grounds without a lot of tension's a lot better.

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RE: Odd self loathing... - 1/17/2008 6:30:40 AM   
ravennfyre


Posts: 161
Joined: 6/23/2007
Status: offline 		I know how you feel... some people are just  "squickier" than others, right down to their voices. I've spoken with people on the phone that have made me feel like I need to go take a hot shower to feel clean again...;)

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RE: Odd self loathing... - 1/17/2008 1:07:31 PM   
lablancsecret


Posts: 73
Joined: 11/27/2006
Status: offline 		Yeah, I see what you mean. I think I may give it a little time (to make sure that I really feel that way... I mean, I'm sure now, but I want to make sure I'm sure??) and then have a discussion with him.

_____________________________

Just remember this: I'm not asking for it, I'm pleading for it.


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RE: Odd self loathing... - 1/17/2008 1:55:53 PM   
subtee


Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline 		Ya know, some of us just aren't all that touchy-feely.

Is it with this guy alone that you've experienced this?

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Don't believe everything you think...

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RE: Odd self loathing... - 1/17/2008 2:36:46 PM   
Maya2001


Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline 		Checked your profile before responding being a submissive your likely going to be more physically attracted to a dominant male

I spent 7 years in a common law relationship with a non dominant male  we could have sex for the first few years but I felt no real physically initimacy with him when he became more whiny in the last couple years togehter  even sex became a turn off.


I would not turn around a tell him that you felt repelled from his touch but simply you that feel he is a nice guy but do not feel  there is enough compatibility


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RE: Odd self loathing... - 1/17/2008 6:03:28 PM   
lablancsecret


Posts: 73
Joined: 11/27/2006
Status: offline 		Eh, actually, I just generally don't like being touched.

_____________________________

Just remember this: I'm not asking for it, I'm pleading for it.


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RE: Odd self loathing... - 1/17/2008 11:45:06 PM   
adoracat


Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lablancsecret

Eh, actually, I just generally don't like being touched.


to me, that says it all, right there.  some people are just like that.

me, i *need* to be touched and it makes me nuts that my hubby and my live-in-yardape arent. 

kitten, whose Daddy cant get enough of touching her

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RE: Odd self loathing... - 1/17/2008 11:49:53 PM   
CuriousLord


Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		As long as it works.

Lately, I'm in favor of talking about things when they seem to be dying off.  That way, the talk isn't the end of the relationship.. it's just kind of a signal that it's lifespan is very short.. then the relationship might actually die in a couple of days or hours, but no one feels so dumped.

Not sure if it's for everyone, but it feels like it offers both parties a fair bit of closure to me.

Oh, and then there's the breakup sex, if that works for you.  :P  (Some people love it, some don't, some like it but avoid it for fear of rekindling emotions just long enough to hurt them again.)

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