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Mercnbeth -> RE: Healthy M/s relationship dynamics (1/15/2008 7:46:27 AM)
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~ FAST REPLY ~
A 'healthy' relationship requires a key component - 'healthy' individuals.
Not necessarily people with no 'baggage' but people with no hidden baggage. Individuals who know who they are, know what they want, and are comfortable in their own skin. They are happy. They have no need to run away from themselves and hide themselves in a relationship. A relationship isn't a source of counseling, a 12 step program, or a path to salvation. You have to go into it with some positive personal equity. Ideally your partner or partners will have similarly positive self image. The result becomes greater than the sum of the parts.
The 'healthy dynamic' is easier to obtain. All it requires is no 'acting'. Putting on an 'act', be it dominant, submissive, or vanilla, takes effort. Effort is work. Work is something most people avoid or, at least, hope to someday retire. If you have to 'work' at your relationship you should include a relationship 'pension plan' in your dynamic.
Confidence is the key. Trust is a part of that confidence. Trusting yourself is just as important as trusting your partner. Confidence will bring you to the point of trust where you make decisions without thinking that your partner would have made without consultation. It allows you to grow and evolve as life brings you new experiences. It doesn't require you to hesitate before saying to your partner; "HEY - I'd like to try that!" You can trust that no communicated desire or fantasy will have a negative effect. We all know of situations in life where feelings and desired are held back. Typically, the excuse heard is; "I don't want to hurt you." In a relationship, silence ultimately hurts much worse than anything spoken.
It is important to have common goals, especially the important ones like marriage, where your living, and UM's. Here is where you have to be most careful. Compromising for the sake of the relationship must be weighed against how much of yourself you are willing to give. Once that decision is made, living by it without resentment, must be comfortable. Now those compromises are your relationship dynamic. Break them, or unilaterally changing your mind, and trust is gone. I'm of a believe that once broken, trust can never be put back together. You need to get beyond 'relationship frenzy', discuss the pragmatic, and agree upon common goals. It is why you need to be happy and confident with yourself. Coming from that perspective, you'll know if any compromise will really work for you, or you are just setting yourself up for failure.
Finally, there needs to be focus on fun. Fun should be a budgetary line item both for time and money. It doesn't necessarily require a large commitment of both every day, but it takes commitment none the less. Having fun together builds positive equity. You can never remember where the all the money or time was spent at the end of the year - you will remember the fun.
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