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If you (or your Dom) were to die... - 1/13/2008 11:52:15 AM   
DominaSmartass


Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline 		[DISCLAIMER] I'm not sure this has a real point, but I needed to write it for me.


In her argument for doms taking care not to stifle a young sub's growth as a person, Aqua says:

quote:

Because no dominant or master, no matter how domly or how many whips they own, is promised tomorrow.


Now, that may seem like one of those little inspirational things people just say to make you think and give an extra kiss to the person you love, but it hits home for me because I found out recently that the man who was my first/only Master when I was 20-21 years old, has died. Back then, I was just exploring bdsm and had a penchant for bottoming, which, after meeting this particular man, turned into a fairly exploitative relationship with him convincing me that I was just born to be his slave. I went along with this relationship for almost a year but knew as time went on that it was not right for me and eventually left. Before I did though, he had me so co-dependent that I lived in constant fear of what would happen if he were unhappy and even made bad choices in my academics and career due to putting him above my own needs in those areas. So now, nearly 3 years after I left him, he just up and dies. Tragic accident and all...and one of the biggest things I can't stop thinking about is "what if I hadn't left and were still his slave when he died - what would have happened to me?" I think that the most obvious thing is that I would have found myself nearly 24 years old, the same person I was at 20 instead of the drastically different person I actually am. And I wonder how I would cope with being out on my own, a state I had never experienced when I entered that relationship.

I know this is not something we like to talk about, but I was inspired by the "Control of young subs" thread and recent events in my own life. Do you make contingency plans in the case of your own (if you're the Dom) or your Dom's (if you're the sub) death? Do you think that it would be detrimental to someone's life, even irresponsible perhaps, to get them to a point where they are completely and utterly enslaved and dependent on you? Has this every happened to someone and if so, did you just bounce back to being an unowned person immediately or...?

Obviously, I did leave the relationship and my preferences and identity have grown and morphed tremendously since then. (Thus informing my point of view that uber-controlling d/s relationships are not good for young people...) Yet, with the news of his death just coming out of nowhere it does take me back, in a sense, to that period of my life and make me all the more thankful I wasn't still with him when this happened.



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RE: If you (or your Dom) were to die... - 1/13/2008 12:04:53 PM   
cherrypez


Posts: 114
Joined: 12/20/2007
Status: offline 		    I know it's morbid but I think about him dying or leaving.   Honestly, I think I would prefer that he leave me versus die; death is so final.    I personally appreciate the time we have together no matter how long or how short.   I know there would be no regrets for entering into the relationship.   Although I would be saddened and would experience grief, I have centered my submission to him around being independant.    I can support myself, I have a career, I can balance a check book, create a budget, check the oil in my car, manipulate a hammer, unclog the sink and with a chair I can even change a light bulb without someone turning the house.  
  I pretty much doubt at this stage in my life that I would ever want to enter into a new D/s relationship, if he were no longer with me.  I am sort of set in my ways or maybe a better word would be set in his ways and I wouldn't  want to change my ways to suit another Master.    Because I am masochist, I would probably casually play with other's just to fill that need.   I don't mind living alone, so that wouldn't be a mega problem for me.   I have experienced a spirtual emotional loving experience with my Master and I doubt very much that I could find another who could top that experience so for me that old saying, it's better to love and have lost than never loved at all holds pretty true.

(in reply to DominaSmartass)
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RE: If you (or your Dom) were to die... - 1/13/2008 12:12:55 PM   
takenbyjohnr07


Posts: 787
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		i'll just talk about the financial part of it, because the emotional part i don't even want to think about. Financially i am secure for the rest of my life, (as long as i don't live past Tuesday) :)  that is why i can afford to be a stay at home Mom which i love and i can devote my entire self to the happiness of my Owner and my family. Sometimes i do miss work, but i love my family so much more.

i know he would never leave me. He has no reason to, but dying. I think i would probably be the first one to go.





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i am the sole property of Johnr. He is the love of my life and the greatest Owner and i will live to serve and, please him only every day of my life.

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RE: If you (or your Dom) were to die... - 1/13/2008 12:23:19 PM   
takenbyjohnr07


Posts: 787
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		i know of a woman who is 49  years old. She is totaly dependant on everyone. She goes from friend to friend, she doesn't have any money unless someone hands her five dollars. She is a lovely person, but she can't walk to the mailbox by herself without getting lost. she's funny and bright so  i would imagine if you are completely and utterly enslaved, you have probably been dependent all of your life. It is probably just a continuation of how your childhood and teenage years were.

i would also imagine that a strong person who was independant before would probably need some time, but would eventually recover.



_____________________________

i am the sole property of Johnr. He is the love of my life and the greatest Owner and i will live to serve and, please him only every day of my life.

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RE: If you (or your Dom) were to die... - 1/13/2008 12:27:48 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		My Master and I have had many in depth conversations about the future, and the likelihood of him dying before me (given his age and health).  He is preparing me for life without him.  There are lessons, philosophies, and amazing energies he has imprinted on my very core that will always be there.  I used to ask him, when he dies can I just jump into his grave behind him?  He said no, that he hasn't invested all this time and energy into me just to have my own life end when his does. 

And so I have been taught to live as he wants me to live - whether he is alive or not.  The best gift he has given me, the best way he has looked out for my well being, has been to give me such tools and strength.  These haven't been easy lessons.  Some of them were fraught with screaming and gnashing of teeth, and in fact I almost didn't survive this relationship as a result, but I will always be grateful.  And years from now, when he has passed and I remain, I will be even more grateful.

(in reply to DominaSmartass)
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RE: If you (or your Dom) were to die... - 1/13/2008 12:35:05 PM   
cherrypez


Posts: 114
Joined: 12/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: takenbyjohnr07

i know of a woman who is 49  years old. She is totaly dependant on everyone. She goes from friend to friend, she doesn't have any money unless someone hands her five dollars. She is a lovely person, but she can't walk to the mailbox by herself without getting lost. she's funny and bright so  i would imagine if you are completely and utterly enslaved, you have probably been dependent all of your life. It is probably just a continuation of how your childhood and teenage years were.


    Huh?   I could walk out to the mailbox at 3 years old get the mail and bring it into the house without getting lost.   I was able to cook a full meal at age 9, I drove at 16 had a job and a checking account at the same age, I had my first um as a teenager as well.    Our younger years are a process of teaching us independance and just because someone is completely and utterly enslaved does not she is totally dependant on her Master, he could very well be teaching her to be independant.    Being a submissive has taught me to be far more independant that I would have been if I were never submissive.  

(in reply to takenbyjohnr07)
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RE: If you (or your Dom) were to die... - 1/13/2008 12:45:43 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		~Fast Reply~

Well, I think it is has a point.

As for us, we haven't done a lot of planning yet because there isn't much to plan. We are pretty young still, there isn't a lot to give away or to keep either of us going for any real length of time. But we are in the process of starting to plan ahead for the future and that will be one consideration. We have heard stories about dominants who, when their submissive died, couldn't function in the house because they didn't know where anything was and submissives who couldn't function because their dominant had controlled everything. And yes, he could find the napkins, the holiday decorations and everything else eventually and I could find out by trail and error, and a lot of overdrafts, how to balence a checkbook but... we don't want each other to be going through that while in mourning for the other. That's a hard enough time it is.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to cherrypez)
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RE: If you (or your Dom) were to die... - 1/13/2008 1:57:00 PM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		Daddy's listed as my emergency contact on my med tag and is also the holder to the wishes of my living will. i have a copy (completely notarized and witnesses) locked in a safe stating i waive any and/or all medical attempts to save me - in other words no life support. on the flipside - i'm Daddy's contact in case something should happen to him. i have yet to discuss this with SO however his parents and brother have my number in case something should happen to him.

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RE: If you (or your Dom) were to die... - 1/13/2008 2:01:58 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		been there
done that
WILL NEVER go through it again

have a nice day



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RE: If you (or your Dom) were to die... - 1/13/2008 2:09:32 PM   
adoracat


Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline 		i'm married to a vanilla man, who is my sole support.  he's made sure that ways and means are in place that i will be taken care of should anything happen to him.

i've lived through the deaths of 2 dominants.  one died at home in my arms, the other died on the hospice floor in the hospital.  i had medical power of attorney on both of them, although their families made their final arrangements. 

i dont want to do it again, ever.  i lost them both within slightly less than 2 years, and i am still grieving.  Daddy knows that very well, and he is so good to allow me to talk to him about them, and acknowledges my need for the little things they gave to me while we were together.  its still not easy.

kitten

(in reply to IrishMist)
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RE: If you (or your Dom) were to die... - 1/13/2008 2:12:40 PM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: adoracat

i'm married to a vanilla man, who is my sole support.  he's made sure that ways and means are in place that i will be taken care of should anything happen to him.

i've lived through the deaths of 2 dominants.  one died at home in my arms, the other died on the hospice floor in the hospital.  i had medical power of attorney on both of them, although their families made their final arrangements. 

i dont want to do it again, ever.  i lost them both within slightly less than 2 years, and i am still grieving.  Daddy knows that very well, and he is so good to allow me to talk to him about them, and acknowledges my need for the little things they gave to me while we were together.  its still not easy.

kitten


Sorry to hear, 2 in 2 years is to much to handle. I respect what you did for them and also that you can't handle the responsibility right now

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RE: If you (or your Dom) were to die... - 1/13/2008 2:19:57 PM   
givingin


Posts: 46
Joined: 4/19/2006
Status: offline 		~fp~

I was able to survive before my dominant and even though I am sure it would hurt me to the core, I would survive after him.  Becoming his didn't take away the strength, knowledge, or the independent person I am under non-submissive circumstances.  Financially there are provisions made should either of us go first, but that is only a way to pay off major bills so the other can have time to get back on their feet emotionally or otherwise. 

We know that unless there is a freak accident, one of us will leave this earth first.  I know it's not something pleasant to talk about, but it's something that must be faced nonetheless be it with your SO, spouse, parent, kids...etc...

Ignoring situations won't make them go away or not happen.  Dealing with them ahead of time will atleast give you a touch of peace at a horrible time in your life.

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"He who laughs last didn't get it." HG




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RE: If you (or your Dom) were to die... - 1/13/2008 2:23:35 PM   
rj77736c


Posts: 1
Joined: 10/16/2006
Status: offline 		i've been lurking a long time, but this thread hits me pretty hard, because i did just lose my One.  However, because of his health, we had talked about this.  i know He wanted me to go on and i listen in my heart to all He taught me.  Some days are better than others, but following the path we made helps tremendously.  The hardest part is not comparing others to Him...

rj


(in reply to Justme696)
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RE: If you (or your Dom) were to die... - 1/13/2008 2:31:30 PM   
adoracat


Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

quote:

ORIGINAL: adoracat

i'm married to a vanilla man, who is my sole support.  he's made sure that ways and means are in place that i will be taken care of should anything happen to him.

i've lived through the deaths of 2 dominants.  one died at home in my arms, the other died on the hospice floor in the hospital.  i had medical power of attorney on both of them, although their families made their final arrangements. 

i dont want to do it again, ever.  i lost them both within slightly less than 2 years, and i am still grieving.  Daddy knows that very well, and he is so good to allow me to talk to him about them, and acknowledges my need for the little things they gave to me while we were together.  its still not easy.

kitten


Sorry to hear, 2 in 2 years is to much to handle. I respect what you did for them and also that you can't handle the responsibility right now



thank you.  fallcon was the one who died second, and he made me promise to seek another dominant.  i'm very happy that i did but i still miss him and james both.  i still wouldnt trade the experiences i had with them for anything.

kitten

(in reply to Justme696)
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RE: If you (or your Dom) were to die... - 1/13/2008 2:36:04 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: adoracat

thank you.  fallcon was the one who died second, and he made me promise to seek another dominant.  i'm very happy that i did but i still miss him and james both.  i still wouldnt trade the experiences i had with them for anything.

kitten


*hugs* That is what counts, in my opinion anyway.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to adoracat)
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RE: If you (or your Dom) were to die... - 1/13/2008 2:38:00 PM   
Vampirate


Posts: 13
Joined: 1/12/2008
From: Oregon
Status: offline 		This is kind of depressing, but I'm sure it happens. It kind of makes me wanna cry. 

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RE: If you (or your Dom) were to die... - 1/13/2008 2:40:40 PM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Vampirate

This is kind of depressing, but I'm sure it happens. It kind of makes me wanna cry. 


Agree, it is an emotional thread, but sadly death enters the lifestyle too.

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RE: If you (or your Dom) were to die... - 1/13/2008 4:02:52 PM   
adoracat


Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: adoracat

thank you.  fallcon was the one who died second, and he made me promise to seek another dominant.  i'm very happy that i did but i still miss him and james both.  i still wouldnt trade the experiences i had with them for anything.

kitten


*hugs* That is what counts, in my opinion anyway.


*hugs back*  yes, it is.  i'm richer for having had them in my life, but gods it hurts at times.

kitten

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RE: If you (or your Dom) were to die... - 1/13/2008 4:10:58 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		Planning for our deaths is one of the conversations that we have had over the years.  One of our goals is to ensure that I put enough money put away for retirement in the event of his death.  Now that I have moved in, we will also be taking steps to make sure that he and Alandra can make certain decisions for me regarding health and legal matters if I am unable to make them.  Since he and Alandra are married much of the legalities between them are taken care of.

It is his desire the he is able to be there when both Alandra and I die.  If he has his way, he will be the last person that we hear and touch on this earth.  He also knows what I want upon my death and he will make sure it is taken care of.  I wish to be cremated, then it is his wish that I be put in his coffin at his feet once he passes away. 

Between the three of us, it doesn't really matter who passes first, the other two will have a very difficult time living without them.  Even though Alandra and I are his slaves, we are quite capable of managing our own lives and making the decisions that need to be made.  However, our lives will be significantly less fulfilled to live without him exercising the authority that he has over our lives.  Without Alandra or I, his life would also be less fulfilled. 

It isn't about the tasks and who does what for whom.  It is the little things.  Laying in bed reading books together; sitting at the table eating supper and talking about our days; watching movies together.  Those are the things that will cut the deepest when one of us is gone.  Of course, those are also the things that we appreciate the most now that we have them.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to DominaSmartass)
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RE: If you (or your Dom) were to die... - 1/13/2008 4:57:47 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		FR:
adoracat thankyou for sharing your strength...The fear I have about my Daddy dying is almost paralyzing. I try very hard not to focus on it.


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Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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