Sex--or not. (Full Version)

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LadyHathor -> Sex--or not. (1/12/2008 6:07:43 AM)

We see it danced around here on CM all the time--"its all about sex", "no its power exchange", "no its sex from power exchange", " no its a soul driven issue"---ok time to maybe share a bit about where sex fits IF  it does in Your version of WIITWD.
 
I will go first:
 
WhenI was in My late 20's, through mid 30's, I was a horny little imp, and the life manifested itself as I guess you'd call it play, exploring crops, belts, whips, rope--all centered around a hot sexy night or weekend. Exploration ( now mind you this was in a land far far away from the discovery of the internet--so self exploration was the mode of the day) graduated to what I suppose you would call today--scenes--carefully planned weekends of D/s debauchery---cabins in the woods, chains, whips, etc---all resulting in hot sex---well so I thought that was the motivator.
 
 
Yet My life was always "Dominant" led--I was in charge--always. Along comes UM and I put a bookmark in things to be a good Mom---still being a D personality in real life---the yearnings though kept creeping in, yet they weren't so much sexual focused as power focused.
 
When I returned to the "life", the complete fulfillement of what I am--( the internet is now in full blossom and loaded with good and bad information), My self exploration arrived at the fact that NOW in My life, sex is NOT the driver and never really was--the play was a means to get where I wanted to be, in charge, on top, in control----yet today, I am a Dominant with or without the sex--with or with or without the manifestations--its simply the way I lead My life and seek someone to fit in that life.
 
Does it mean I have no sexual interest, hardly--what it does mean for Me is that sex doesn't lead, it isn't all pervasive, it doesn't consume My thoughts if it even crosses at all--so I get very irritated at boys who approach with the penile attention because that ,against what many would say, for Me is not the driver.  It may be a natural evolution of a bond and yet again, it may never exist.
 
And you? Where are You on this ladder?



pixelslave -> RE: Sex--or not. (1/12/2008 7:07:13 AM)

For me, I'd say sex is a significant element, but not the whole thing.  I can't submit to just any woman, it has to be a woman with whom I feel a connection.  As such, it's only natural that there would be a sexual attraction and desire for the woman that's my Mistress or one whom I expect could become such.  I greatly enjoy serving that special woman just for the sake of serving and pleasing her, which may or may not be sexually arousing to me at the time.  
 
I find it very satisfying, if not peaceful for me when I serve in non-sexual ways, which sometimes can also be sexualized by either of us if so desired; particularly as I enjoy being teased and flirted with throughout the day.  It's also very easy to turn small mundane tasks into games.  Majik used to say how peaceful and content I looked while polishing her nails or serving her in other ways.  Indeed, it was very true. [&:]
 
During most kinds of play, I do get aroused and it usually becomes very sexual for me.  Does it have to wind up or end in a sexual release for me?  No, not at all, but my arousal will be obvious and I'll focus on enjoying the journey.  I'll also enjoy pleasuring my partner if that's what she desires; without any expectation that it will be reciprocated at that particular time.
 
Perhaps the best way for me to describe it is that the more I care for a woman, the more I desire to submit to her.  Similarly, the more I desire to submit, my feelings of caring for her increase as well.  For me, it's like a endless spiral that keeps spinning faster as one part builds on the other.  It's easy to fall into a deep state of complete submission to a woman when you're capble of experiencing that kind of synergistic action.  It's also very dangerous when you know you're that way to allow yourself to play with submitting to a woman you haven't taken the time to really get to know.
 
 - pixel



MistressFaye1 -> RE: Sex--or not. (1/12/2008 8:30:18 AM)

LadyHathor,

I love your post!  To answer your question, I am HIGH on the ladder!  Reading you wrote felt like reading my journal because I’ve gone through the same thing. 

I can remember beating up boys on the play ground, getting them to do what I wanted, and feeling the “HA! I got you” feeling at a young age. I was the one that was an Indian Woman Warrior that would tie the boys up while making threats to scalp them.  I played football until my mother made me stop at the age of 13 because, “it wasn’t ladylike”.  I loved the sport in it of itself, but it was the taking down of the males that got my adrenalin pumping.  I always played defensive positions.    

As a teenager, I had thoughts and feelings that caused me to think there was something quite “not right” with me.  I didn’t have much luck with boyfriends until I met one that I can now define as submissive.  He and I were together all through high school and were going to get married but, he ended up getting someone pregnant and because those were the days of “shotgun” weddings he was forced to marry the girl. 

When I left at the age of 18 to join the Army, I eventually met someone that was a Master.  He saw the dominance in me.  We never had a D/s relationship but I was treated as his equal and he became my guide, my teacher, and the one that helped me understand who I was and accept the fact that I would probably never have the typical man/woman relationship (vanilla).  I had experiences that have not been matched.  The boyfriend I was referring to and I got together when I was home on leave and he said I had left Chicago, went to California, and “came back a freak.”  I overlooked his ignorance because at one point I was too, and told him, “No I came back as myself.”

I too took a hiatus and after attempts at vanilla because I was raising children, once they were grown and gone or almost gone, I felt loneliness and it was more than the empty nest syndrome.  I needed to be me so out of the darkness I came and here I am.

In our youth the hormones are kicking hard and though they are raging during the teens women are blessed by the fact our “peek” happens when we mature (age wise).  As youngsters we really don’t see the correlation between the dominance factor overall and because we didn’t know any better we associate the dominance to the sexual outcome we get.  We also didn’t have the cognitive ability to put two and two together because we were focused on our sexual drives and what it took to take us “there”.

When we matured (mentally), at some point the light bulb comes on and we discover what you so eloquently stated.

Sex is not the icing on the cake but it sure can light many candles.  I am sexually attracted to some submissives and others I’m not.  It doesn’t take away my feelings of dominance over those that I’m not sexually in sync with.

It’s a beautifully, wonderful thing to know and accept our dominance and get to a point when we refuse to settle for anything less than what pleases us.

Faye



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Sex--or not. (1/12/2008 9:10:26 AM)

Wow, I don't have anything to add to this! But it's good to know that there are some converging paths here.  :)



faerytattoodgirl -> RE: Sex--or not. (1/12/2008 9:18:04 AM)

quote:

Does it mean I have no sexual interest, hardly--what it does mean for Me is that sex doesn't lead, it isn't all pervasive, it doesn't consume My thoughts if it even crosses at all


All i can say is if all Mistresses were like that it would make it easy for me to find one!



MissOchistic -> RE: Sex--or not. (1/12/2008 3:43:46 PM)

I'm right in the grey area. I have BDSM enchanges that are very sexual, and I have some that aren't sexual at all. My sex tends to be seperate from BDSM, even if we're doing both at the same time...the attraction is independent.



SirJohnMandevill -> RE: Sex--or not. (1/12/2008 3:48:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHathor

We see it danced around here on CM all the time--"its all about sex", "no its power exchange", "no its sex from power exchange", " no its a soul driven issue"---ok time to maybe share a bit about where sex fits IF  it does in Your version of WIITWD.
 
I will go first:
 
WhenI was in My late 20's, through mid 30's, I was a horny little imp, and the life manifested itself as I guess you'd call it play, exploring crops, belts, whips, rope--all centered around a hot sexy night or weekend. Exploration ( now mind you this was in a land far far away from the discovery of the internet--so self exploration was the mode of the day) graduated to what I suppose you would call today--scenes--carefully planned weekends of D/s debauchery---cabins in the woods, chains, whips, etc---all resulting in hot sex---well so I thought that was the motivator.
 
 
Yet My life was always "Dominant" led--I was in charge--always. Along comes UM and I put a bookmark in things to be a good Mom---still being a D personality in real life---the yearnings though kept creeping in, yet they weren't so much sexual focused as power focused.
 
When I returned to the "life", the complete fulfillement of what I am--( the internet is now in full blossom and loaded with good and bad information), My self exploration arrived at the fact that NOW in My life, sex is NOT the driver and never really was--the play was a means to get where I wanted to be, in charge, on top, in control----yet today, I am a Dominant with or without the sex--with or with or without the manifestations--its simply the way I lead My life and seek someone to fit in that life.
 
Does it mean I have no sexual interest, hardly--what it does mean for Me is that sex doesn't lead, it isn't all pervasive, it doesn't consume My thoughts if it even crosses at all--so I get very irritated at boys who approach with the penile attention because that ,against what many would say, for Me is not the driver.  It may be a natural evolution of a bond and yet again, it may never exist.
 
And you? Where are You on this ladder?


For me, sex is an integral part of the overall D/s and BDSM experience. I wouldn't get satisfaction from Domination unless the sexual aspect were included. I wouldn't choose a sub who thought otherwise.

My .02 zlotys. Your milage may vary.

Les (Purveyor of Fine, Handcrafted Kink)



ocilla -> RE: Sex--or not. (1/12/2008 3:49:53 PM)

I look forward to seeing what gets posted here.  I am going to have to think about my response a bit but will give a quick one right now.  I do love being in the powerful cat bird seat but I am very sexually driven too.  And by sex I mean specifically orgasm for me from pleasurable physical stimulation.  It is hard for me to separate sex out but when sex is a part the power exchange I definitely feel more comfortable, more satisfied and tend to go deeper into the D/s peice ...But the sex in and of itself is something I thoroughly enjoy with or without BDSM. 

I realize that sex is only a peice of who we are and that it is ephemeral and can easily go away with illness, age, injury so I do believe that it is important to keep it in perspective and to realize that anything and everything can and will change.



MsWorthy -> RE: Sex--or not. (1/12/2008 5:10:14 PM)

My position on this topic will probably be considered odd or perhaps even *not twuely real*, but on the off-chance that my post may help someone else realize that it really is ok to do wiitwd any_way_you_want_to_do_it - I will take the risk.

D/s, for me, has nothing to do with sex. It's about an exchange of personal power. The people (speaking of myself and my life partner) involved in a d/s relationship have unequal power - the d having more and the s having less.

That is the way we live our day to day lives. Now, once we get into the bedroom it can go in any direction. I don't submit sexually, but I certainly don't always take the lead. Personally, I find it difficult to reach orgasm if I have have to stay in control of everything that is happening. It seems to me that a woman has to *let go* in order to orgasm. That has been my experience, anyway. I also enjoy a sexually aggressive partner (note that I said aggressive not dominant). So, an orgasm - for me - is about nilla sex.

Having said that, let me say that I agree that sex is about much more than the orgasm. Foreplay can be as much fun as an orgasm, and is usually required for a female to acheive an orgasm.....and foreplay - for me - is about s/m. I can have sex without the s/m foreplay, but it's work getting me there - usually in the form of a fantasy running in my head.

This is where it gets odd (odder?)....lol. When it comes to reciprocating sexually, I just have no interest in it unless there is some s/m involved. The thought of caressing, stimulating, and gently bringing my partner to orgasm is just plain boring to me. Whereas spanking (in all forms), playing with coercion or *pretend force*, humiliation, mental or physical bondage all get my motor running. This play doesn't have to end in my partner acheiving an orgasm - and that is NOT my goal with play partners - but it is certainly fun when it does.

The *intensity* of this power exchange (as opposed to the day-to-day exchange of power) is what s/m is all about for me. It certainly creates arousal in me, but that is not the goal.

I'm not sure if I've answered the question you asked, but this is what the thread brought to my mind.



LadyHathor -> RE: Sex--or not. (1/12/2008 5:44:47 PM)

Thank you, I think your response as the others here was very well written and was quite clear---and with the others I am sure will, spur even more chats about this. I can totally relate to the reciprocate comment, that's how I started down the road when I was young, wasn't stimulating unless he was hogtied, whipped, chained or something and I am still there today, when I want to reciprocate, has to be with accoutrements!
 
The thing that I hope to have happen is to banish the concept that for everyone it is or it isn't--each one is very different and to approach Us all with the "i can take you to the moon at the end of my tongue"--just won't work in most cases.
 
Keep it coming, these shed great insight.
 
 
 
 



tetherboy -> RE: Sex--or not. (1/12/2008 6:24:09 PM)

I think this is a great topic, Lady Hathor and I'll be happy to toss my few coppers onto the table..

I do not think I could be in a long term relationship that did not involve sex with my partner.  I am in fact, turned away from the idea of cuckolding and whatnot for that reason.  I can not imagine being in a relationship where sex wasn't present.

Now at the same time, there have been times when I have challenged myself to overcome the limiting factors of sex when it comes to service and to accomplish this, have removed various elements of whatever activity was taking place, to in a sense, purify the act of any sexual pleasure - to allow it to be a true offering of submission and not one based upon my own selfish sexual desires.

There was a period where I was in service to a man for that very reason.  I knew there would be no sexual attraction between he and I and that left me free to focus on submission for the simplest of reasons without adding other elements to it and thereby diluting the whole experience.  It really was an amazing experience and allowed me to learn a lot about myself and my submissive desires.

You didn't mention orgasms, but that's an area of sex that is often under control by the other.  I generally shun orgasms because of the extreme chemical shift that takes place following one.  The foreplay is where all the fun is and everything else seems rather anticlimatic on the whole.

I guess I fall into the category where it encompasses EVERYTHING.  Some times it is ALL about the sex.  Some times it is a power exchange.  Some times it is sex from power exchange.  Sometimes it's a soul driven issue.  And sometimes, it's the filler inbetween NCIS and The Unit. :)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHathor

We see it danced around here on CM all the time--"its all about sex", "no its power exchange", "no its sex from power exchange", " no its a soul driven issue"---ok time to maybe share a bit about where sex fits IF  it does in Your version of WIITWD.
 
I will go first:
 
WhenI was in My late 20's, through mid 30's, I was a horny little imp, and the life manifested itself as I guess you'd call it play, exploring crops, belts, whips, rope--all centered around a hot sexy night or weekend. Exploration ( now mind you this was in a land far far away from the discovery of the internet--so self exploration was the mode of the day) graduated to what I suppose you would call today--scenes--carefully planned weekends of D/s debauchery---cabins in the woods, chains, whips, etc---all resulting in hot sex---well so I thought that was the motivator.
 
 
Yet My life was always "Dominant" led--I was in charge--always. Along comes UM and I put a bookmark in things to be a good Mom---still being a D personality in real life---the yearnings though kept creeping in, yet they weren't so much sexual focused as power focused.
 
When I returned to the "life", the complete fulfillement of what I am--( the internet is now in full blossom and loaded with good and bad information), My self exploration arrived at the fact that NOW in My life, sex is NOT the driver and never really was--the play was a means to get where I wanted to be, in charge, on top, in control----yet today, I am a Dominant with or without the sex--with or with or without the manifestations--its simply the way I lead My life and seek someone to fit in that life.
 
Does it mean I have no sexual interest, hardly--what it does mean for Me is that sex doesn't lead, it isn't all pervasive, it doesn't consume My thoughts if it even crosses at all--so I get very irritated at boys who approach with the penile attention because that ,against what many would say, for Me is not the driver.  It may be a natural evolution of a bond and yet again, it may never exist.
 
And you? Where are You on this ladder?



LadyHathor -> RE: Sex--or not. (1/13/2008 3:45:19 AM)

Nicely stated and thank you for sharing your male submissive  perspective---it always helps when we can talk openly about aspects and what drives each of us.
 



Shawn1066 -> RE: Sex--or not. (1/13/2008 12:40:00 PM)

Sex is--ultimately--something that I do not place above almost anything.  When I met my Owner and became her property, we started under the agreement that I would serve her in every manner except sexually.  This was because, at the time, I was a virgin in every single sense of the word and I wanted to wait until marriage to explore such stuff.  She would have loved to have me in a sexual compacity, but she agree to that limit and fully respected it...even if it was a pretty frustrating urge for her to resist a few times.  Finally, after a bit of time,  I just knew in my heart that I loved her enough to give up my virginity.  It was something I knew I wanted and, one night, as we were snuggling in her bed I calmly said, "I don't think I want you to respect my limits."

And that, as they say, was that.  Sex was introduced into our relationship and our D/s dynamic.  Being her slut at all times is one of my primary(and one of my favorite, I must admit) duties.

Is our relationship or our dynamic -about- sex?  No, of course not.  I am submissive to her before and after sex.  I submit to her and I'm her slave at times when I know sex isn't in the cards, for various reasons.  I do my various chores around her house because I want to make her happy.  I do as she says and bow to her rules because I love her and I respect her as a person and as my Owner.  My need to submit to her is far, far from just being a sexual urge.  It's an emotional need.  I -need- her to be there...to be strong.  I need her counsel, her opinions, and her leadership.  I need to make her happy, to be there when she's doing amazing and when she's just had much better days.  It's just that a smile on her face can make my world, you know.  I just love her...and just sitting next to her makes my day.  That, in a nutshell, is what I get from all of this...love and happiness.

Of course, the sex is amazing, but it's merely icing on the cake.



LadyHathor -> RE: Sex--or not. (1/13/2008 4:33:13 PM)

smiles, I hope you know how lucky you are--reminds Me of another C/couple I know who will grace My home in the spring, I cannot wait to see the glow from them that appears to radiate from Y/you.



solvr70 -> RE: Sex--or not. (1/14/2008 12:29:51 PM)

well, guys being who they are, certain things, sex being one of them, tends to drive, dare-i-say most of us.

however, it took me a while to come to learn that the pure physical was not what i truely craved. having most 'nilla gf's, i have not had much time to explore that.

i guess the best way to explain it would be by way of an example. when my exporation of strapon play/use started, it was not to a truely exciting level, until W/we had all the right toys, and enough comfort and experience, to where She could cum from taking me that way. without Her pleasure and excitement of that, it looses everything.

just one example. there being other things, yet to be explored, where Her excitement of it is key



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