Distance (Full Version)

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Morghan -> Distance (12/24/2007 6:26:22 PM)

Here's a question that *must* have been asked before, but I'll try for some fresh takes on it. 

With the popularity of the internet as a method of meeting folks, a lot of us end up in long distance relatioships.  These LDRs (aspiring to be LTRs someday) have unique challenges.  Communication and a sense of connection come to mind right away. 

For those of you with succesful LDR experiences, what were some common issues you faced?  How did those issues come to a head and how did you deal with them? 

Thanks in advance for your input.

And Happy Holidays :)



CuriousLord -> RE: Distance (12/24/2007 7:00:17 PM)

Sex, of course!  Long distance sex is just less satisfying and more difficult, particularly on the privacy end.  Finding adequate solutions to this challenge seems to constitute a primary problem in LDR's.  Cyber and phone sex are common answers, though perhaps better ones will come along.

Activities and ways to spend time together, outside of just talking, is another issue.  Online acitivites (such as games) and an empathesis on communication helps here.

Then you have the disconnection from "real life", or the person's more physical lifestyle away from telecommunication electronics.  In ways, for people who perfer their distance, this can actually act as an advantage.  Some people find this to be a major difficulty.  Possible solutions, if needed, truly vary upon the people involved.



LadyLupineNYC -> RE: Distance (12/24/2007 7:49:05 PM)

I know that when my boy moves in with me next year our biggest challenge will be adjusting to not talking so much.  Right now we talk a min of 2-3 hours a day, everything from kink to the super mundane (so…what did you get on that pizza you just ordered?)  The heavy communication is important because it allows for us better understand each others POVs, politics, pet peeves, humor, and relative mood swings.  I found many different vanilla LDR sites very helpful.  Some pointers of the top of my head:
1)      don’t try to cram too much into visits
2)      sex is important, but not the only thing; having said that, and as much as I don’t care for it- phone sex (or, as in our case, extreme bdsm-related phone sex) can be something to share
3)      do the mundane stuff when you visit so that when you do move to the next phase it will be already part of your relationship        
4)      try and talk at least once a day and about your day so that you have a feeling of jointly living your lives      5)   in this high tech world, don’t discount the value of actual letters and card- something you both have touched and shared



InkedMaster -> RE: Distance (12/24/2007 8:18:02 PM)

eyesopened and I have until June at which point we will be living together, for us being apart has been the worst issue. But we do see each other in person, we talk on the phone and we use the webcam to see each other on a daily basis. When we are together we do things that are realistic of daily life. So how do I deal with the time apart? I look at it as if I'm on probation (again) and I have 23 weeks left (again) and I know I can do 23 weeks standing on my head (this time) if she's the prize I get for being a good boy



kyraofMists -> RE: Distance (12/25/2007 8:49:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Morghan
For those of you with succesful LDR experiences, what were some common issues you faced?  How did those issues come to a head and how did you deal with them? 


Our relationship is no longer long distance as of 8 days ago and one of the most frustrating things for me was living in different time zones.  As someone on here once said, the rhythms of our life were off.  We just made the effort to spend quality time together as often as possible.  It also helped me appreciate going to bed at the same time every night.

Knight's Kyra



KnightofMists -> RE: Distance (12/25/2007 9:11:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Morghan

For those of you with succesful LDR experiences, what were some common issues you faced?  How did those issues come to a head and how did you deal with them? 



Well.. I am just freshly out of the LDR situation and moved it to a close encounter situation.
 
There is two issues that I found needed to be addressed.. and problems was not something that is just solved and put behind you... it part of the cross that one needs to carry and deal with all the time.
 
first... having close encounters from time to time.  The reasons for this are many... and each person/relationship will have there own unique group of them.  Also the reason to have the encounter can change from time to time.  In the beginning I found it alot about building that connection and getting to know the person from different perspective... as time went on .. it became about validating things for myself and grounding them in the reality and not some sort of fantasy that I am striving for.  Near the end of our LDR phase it was more about just savoring what we have... and preparing for our next step... the close encounter!
 
second issue.. balancing the Distant relationship with the duties, responsibilities and relationships that are close.  This was something that was extremely difficult.  The fact of the matter for me was to put alot that are close to the back burner so that alot of focus was given to the Distance relationship.  Thou I put the close stuff less of a priority of my time... it didn't get forgotten... and that is the key... one still need to keep an eye and maintain those issues.  Being really good at Time Management and Priority Management was critical these past few years.  The support I had this past couple years was incredible.  Alandra doesn't post here alot... she is a quiet girl in a public forum.. but in small groups where she is comfortable...well they get to see a side of here that is very special.  Kyra, Alandra and I would not of reach this step without Alandra herself.  The support she gave as I shifted my time and priorites to a different balance was critical for us.  Now.. we are together.. and my priorities and time are shifting again.... but this time... it's shifting for the three of us to manage "being together" instead of working "to be together."



DesFIP -> RE: Distance (12/25/2007 10:32:00 PM)

We were about 3 hours apart. In summer we saw each other about every 3 weeks, in winter it went as long as 3 months (every time we made plans it snowed). The most important thing was just to spend as much time as possible talking. Not play or power oriented stuff, just everyday things. We tried to keep our knowledge of each other's life as strong as possible.

We were LDR for two years, and have been living together for two and a half.



PanthersMom -> RE: Distance (12/25/2007 10:33:49 PM)

it didn't work.  too many difficulties with trust, with misunderstandings, with everything.  i like my r/l relationships much better, you can see the person, hear a voice, watch body language and so on, makes communication much more clear.  online and long distance may work for some ppl, but i'm no good at it.

PM



canupleaseme -> RE: Distance (12/26/2007 4:19:50 AM)

Hi we had a long distance relationsip that has now progressed to us living together and yes it was really really hard work!!
Communication is really so so important.  Being able to tell him how I was feeling no matter how silly or stupid I felt saying it.  Everytime he went home I felt a loss and it was hard sometimes to stop being mardy and get on with things. 
It took us a while to get things working well and we fund that having very simple daily rituals like texting me each morning when he woke and before he went to bed.  Me sending him a bondage box every week or so with new things for him to do for me etc.  The little things definatly go a long way to help you feel close to each other.  Also making sure that not everytime he came over were we playing and doing sessions.  Becasue if it works out and you do get together in the end its a real shock when its not all fun and games.  Spending quality time together as a couple was definatly important. 
Sex was definatly hard work.  Im not a phone sex person or webcam player and at times I will admit I found it very very difficult not being able to just nip round and have a quicky, I tried to make that more fun too by sexy emails and spending spare time planning special sessions for when he would come over next.  Sometimes I would not allow myself to wank either when he wasnt here which made things a bit more fun as I would make him do some self bondage so he could suffer when I needed some sexual release, it definatly made the wait for him coming back more intense and gave me something else to think about rather than just missing him so much.
Long distance is soo hard. I dont know if i would do it again if things didnt work out with him but I am glad we both worked so hard for each other becasue right now I really couldnt be happier[:)]



MasterHX -> RE: Distance (12/26/2007 4:42:57 AM)

My pet and I live about two and half hours apart, which I guess qualifies.  We do see each other every week, for a couple days though... so we do get to spend quite a bit of time (relatively speaking) with one another.  What's the hardest part for me?  Not being able to put my arms around her when she's having a bad day.  Not being able to take her out to dinner when she's fried from dealing with her kids.  Not being able to run my fingers through her hair while she tries to settle down to sleep.

The hardest part for me isn't the sex, or trust, or BDSM, or play... it's missing the everyday things, the guidance and support that I could give her if we were together.

MasterHX



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