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Less Sex, More Pain? - 12/18/2007 9:53:44 PM

GregariousGreta

Posts: 42
Joined: 4/29/2007
From: Georgia
Status: offline

When it comes to the sexual/sensual side of my life, I'm lacking in experience; but despite that I seem to have reached a conclusion through what little experiences I've had: I'm more turned on by and responsive to BDSM scenes involving mostly BDSM practices and less sex than I am by sex itself or predominately sex-driven BDSM. Man, that sentence sounds sort of convoluted, but I have no idea how else to word it. This comes up because I see so many people around me in day to day life simply mad about sex, and they love it. I mean, I'm a virgin when it comes to traditional female/male intercourse, but I simply don't find the thought of just sex that appealing. I also know I don't find it appealing in female/female relationships either.

My questions:
- How many others here have similar nuances or can relate to this in some way? Why/How?
- If you cannot relate to this, what are your views on sex v. BDSM and how they relate to each other?
- I have an idea that this can complicate relationships, so what's your stance on that?
- I have worries about working this way... Are they valid? What in your opinion are the pros/cons of this sort of mind set?

Now granted, being a virgin does limit my knowledge of what I truly and definitely enjoy. I know this, and I also know that it might change once that changes. Right now, though, this is the way I'm wired. This post is mainly about my own insecurities and trying to find others with similar mind sets or those who have had experience with this sort of situation in the past or present.

Post #: 1

RE: Less Sex, More Pain? - 12/19/2007 2:47:41 AM

trickey74

Posts: 2
Joined: 12/16/2007
Status: offline

You said you don't find the thought of "Just Sex" that appealing. Does that mean you find the thought of having sex during a BDSM experience appealing? I do know a Dom who is yet to perform any sexual act other than oral with his sub, in or out of a scene, after 8 months. I can't speak from personal experience as I like sex in any form and while I don't consider it a necesary part of any activity it is definatley a preference.

(in reply to GregariousGreta)

Post #: 2

RE: Less Sex, More Pain? - 12/19/2007 3:07:06 AM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear GregariousGreta, Ladies and Gentlemen;

I am of the philosophy that sex of any kind is an earned privilege--not a right, a demand and or a condition. As a Dominant--I have my own established rights, hard limits and standards I wish to live with.

I suppose one could consider me as a near-virgin, as I have not laid with man or woman for many years and have never suffered for my standards. There are plenty of women who are Dominant who open themselves rather freely and that works for them. However, what I want clear with any slave of mine--sex is not the power play in my relationship period. The power in my relationship is our joined power and our total self--not our genitals.

As a female slave--this may be more difficult however, not impossible. There are women who medically cannot tolerate some forms of sex due to the pain it physically causes, thus attacks the woman in their emotions, self esteem and mentally -- these women are women and should be cherished as any other woman but, with compassion and understanding about medical issues that make it an awful experience no matter how brave they put on. I will applaud any Master and or Mistress who permits their female and or male slave the ability to serve without sex as being a major focus on the relationship. Men suffer also when it comes from lack of performance and or medical issues which prevents sex of any kind.

I wouldn't have sex because you feel pressured into it. This goes for men and women. Sex should be at the right time, pressure free, self inspired and respectful of one another.

Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

< Message edited by LadyHugs -- 12/19/2007 3:10:08 AM >

(in reply to GregariousGreta)

Post #: 3

RE: Less Sex, More Pain? - 12/19/2007 4:29:41 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
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I dont agree with sex being a earned privilege. Who is the one who has to earn it? How do they have to earn it? If I am with a woman and we are both sexauly attracted to each other then it is going to happen. There is not going to be any earing envolved.

(in reply to LadyHugs)

Post #: 4

RE: Less Sex, More Pain? - 12/19/2007 6:35:08 AM

forg0ttenclone

Posts: 62
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline

quote:

My questions:
- How many others here have similar nuances or can relate to this in some way? Why/How?

I have a similar point of view. My experiences sexually have been limited to less than a handful of people. However; in those experiences, they were less than stellar. Each of which was just like "bleh." Nothing too great. It leaves me with the mind set of "why the hell is everyone so obsessed with sex?" Maybe it was the partners, the lack of bdsm, or my own lack of intellectual interest in those partners. I have found that BDSM is much more fulfilling for me than sex.

quote:

- I have an idea that this can complicate relationships, so what's your stance on that?

I think it can complicate relationships. It has been my experience that it has made relationships complicated. For some people, sex is very important to a relationship.

quote:

- I have worries about working this way... Are they valid? What in your opinion are the pros/cons of this sort of mind set?

I find the mind set to be a personal thing. It boils down to you and your partner and how fulfilling it may/may not be for the two of you.

_____________________________

Pete

"I have fallen to my knees unable to rise, what kind of trap is this? What kind of chains have tied my hands and feet? It is so strange, so wonderful this helplessness of mine!"

(in reply to GregariousGreta)

Post #: 5

RE: Less Sex, More Pain? - 12/19/2007 6:46:59 AM

LadyLynx

Posts: 1098
Joined: 7/24/2007
Status: offline

I completely agree. sex does complicates the relationship to much. especially when one or both people are going for that ultimate touchdown, (orgasm.) and if one or both people don't reach it, they feel disapointed, out of sorts, that can lead to problems.

_____________________________

Our community maybe openminded as a whole, but it is still made up of individuals who bring in their own opinions,baggage and agendas!

Known as SwitchWitch in my local community,and on IRC Bondage.

I also go by the nic SwitchWitch on MDS.

(in reply to forg0ttenclone)

Post #: 6

RE: Less Sex, More Pain? - 12/19/2007 6:47:10 AM

ghitaPVH

Posts: 1363
Joined: 11/14/2007
Status: offline

to me, sex without bdsm is just boring. although to me personally, bad sex is still good.

_____________________________

Don't expect anything of me and I promise I'll never disappoint you.

"The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything. --Nietzsche"

(in reply to forg0ttenclone)

Post #: 7

RE: Less Sex, More Pain? - 12/19/2007 7:35:38 AM

butterfishmaniac

Posts: 7
Joined: 7/18/2007
Status: offline

Hi, Butterfishmaniac,

How is everyone?

This is an interesting question, sex is I believe ingrained in BDSM after all don't we all do it becuase it turns on
gets our juices flowing. The only difference is how we express that sexual nature. No sex does not need to occur
which is not a good or bad thing, it is simply like you said a personal choice.

As long as the choices are the ones that you want to make, don't worry about it. I hope that made a modicum of sense.

As for sex complicating the relationship, I think if you set boundaries and establish rules sex can be a part of the ritual of BDSM

Just my 1.5 cents, I hope it was somewhat helpful.

(in reply to ghitaPVH)

Post #: 8

RE: Less Sex, More Pain? - 12/19/2007 7:54:12 AM

xBullx

Posts: 4206
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

Hell it sounds to me like a great many vanilla marriages to me; lotsa pain, agony, suffering, mental toil and hopeless bondage with little chance of that awesome sweat enducing, leaves ya panting, filled with grunts, squeals wild animal sounds of pig sex.................

You can never get enough good fuckin'..............no really, you can't!!!

Moo,

Bull

< Message edited by xBullx -- 12/19/2007 7:57:47 AM >

_____________________________

Live well,

Bull

I'm not an asshole; I'm simply resolute...

"A Republic, If You Can Keep It."

Caution: My humor is a bit skewed.

(in reply to GregariousGreta)

Post #: 9

RE: Less Sex, More Pain? - 12/19/2007 7:57:27 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: xBullx

Hell it sounds to me like a grewat many vanilla marriages to me; lotsa pain, agony, suffering, mental toil and hopeless bondage with little chance of that awesome sweat enducing, leaves ya panting, filled with grunts, squeals wild animal sounds of pig sex.................

Moo,

Bull

LMFAO

to the OP...

Pain is what motivates me; sometimes its a sexual turn on; other times its just a release that I need and does not need to be sexual. However, I don't much care for 'scene related pain' meaning that tying me down and whipping me is not going to do much...I like spontaneous beatings

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to xBullx)

Post #: 10

RE: Less Sex, More Pain? - 12/19/2007 8:00:58 AM

TMaster2

Posts: 194
Joined: 2/25/2006
Status: offline

I love sex in all its guises, and I love Domming in all its guises, so when the twain meet and mingle -- very nice ;)

As for the complication question, yes, it will complicate it, but they are both complicated even alone, so you still have to work things out with your partner. Just have to be aware of your desires, communicate them enough to get them, and it should work, eh?

_____________________________

Doms/Masters Who are also Gods, CLICK HERE!

(in reply to GregariousGreta)

Post #: 11

RE: Less Sex, More Pain? - 12/19/2007 8:20:28 AM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

I'm a service sub mostly. Sex is fine, fun, pleasurable, but it's not my motivator. If my Dom wants sex, I am wild about providing it. There are times that I would love to have sex with my Dom (I don't care for vanilla sex) and there are times I am just as satisfied by being refused sex as I am being granted the release of passion (not necessarily orgasm).

If I were to be in an exclusive non-sexual position, the thing I would miss most would be the intimacy of sex, not the sex itself. Sex is the extra, not my reason for finding pleasure as a sub.

Sex does complicate relationships but I don't submit to anyone with whom I would not like to be complicated. ~smiling~ I don't do casual bottoming, and submitting to me is deeply personal, not something I do for just anyone.

(in reply to TMaster2)

Post #: 12

RE: Less Sex, More Pain? - 12/19/2007 9:58:54 AM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: xBullx

Hell it sounds to me like a great many vanilla marriages to me; lotsa pain, agony, suffering, mental toil and hopeless bondage with little chance of that awesome sweat enducing, leaves ya panting, filled with grunts, squeals wild animal sounds of pig sex.................

You can never get enough good fuckin'..............no really, you can't!!!

Moo,

Bull

Agreed.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to xBullx)

Post #: 13

RE: Less Sex, More Pain? - 12/19/2007 10:49:12 AM

littlebitxxx

Posts: 732
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: xBullx

Hell it sounds to me like a great many vanilla marriages to me; lotsa pain, agony, suffering, mental toil and hopeless bondage with little chance of that awesome sweat enducing, leaves ya panting, filled with grunts, squeals wild animal sounds of pig sex.................

You can never get enough good fuckin'..............no really, you can't!!!

Moo,

Bull

And more agreement. Bdsm doesn't have to include sex. Sex doesn't have to include bdsm. Sessions of both can be separate and most enjoyable. Together they can be magic. I just can't go back to having vanilla sex (where not a cuff or even whiff of leather is in sight) with vanilla men; rates somewhere between ho-hum and average. Vanilla sex with a Dom...now that's the ticket.

_____________________________

There is no such thing as can't unless it is followed by yet

It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

(in reply to xBullx)

Post #: 14

RE: Less Sex, More Pain? - 12/19/2007 4:09:49 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

This may seem off, but telling my submissive that her punishment is no orgasms for her for 2 weeks is still sex to me.

Sinergy

p.s. of course, the orgasm she has when she has fulfilled her punishment requires me to peel her off the ceiling.

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to littlebitxxx)

Post #: 15

RE: Less Sex, More Pain? - 12/19/2007 4:14:38 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

There is no BDSM without sex, end of story. Not happening, ever, forget it, no way, no how, not gonna do it, that's it.

Get back to me OP when you are de-virginized and some guy really makes you make that screaming in orgasm noise, then let us know your thoughts.

(in reply to Sinergy)

Post #: 16

RE: Less Sex, More Pain? - 12/19/2007 4:23:12 PM

Ryugen

Posts: 69
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GregariousGreta
My questions:
- How many others here have similar nuances or can relate to this in some way? Why/How?
- If you cannot relate to this, what are your views on sex v. BDSM and how they relate to each other?
- I have an idea that this can complicate relationships, so what's your stance on that?
- I have worries about working this way... Are they valid? What in your opinion are the pros/cons of this sort of mind set?

I admit, the thought of just walking my slave on a leash gets me off much more than say, just sex with a supermodel with huge frontal lobes. I enjoy the dominance side of it and find it an incredible turn on.
For me, like the answer to the first question, BDSM is a huge turn on and will inevitably lead to sex of some sort for me and my slave alike, so I'm afraid I don't just enjoy the BDSM without the sex.
As for complicating relationships, I'm not sure. I think you could find the right person to fulfill your BDSM needs, but you may find that after you've had sex you'll want to involve it in your BDSM activities anyway. Although I admit you could probably find a compatable person for just your BDSM desires. There are some people on this site who say they make great live-in maids for instance.
As for pros and cons, it depends on what you want and how you plan on going about getting it. Pros and cons really don't apply to this otherwise. You seem like a healthy minded person, as healthy as a BDSM mindset can be anyway

So I have no worries about any future activities you might engage in that you do so willingly.

Everyone works best in a different environment. When you find the right person to suit your environment then you'll enjoy yourself no matter your mindset. Just keep searching and think things through, there are some in the scene who will disagree with what you want greatly, so remember to be open minded

_____________________________

I live, and am learning.

(in reply to GregariousGreta)

Post #: 17

RE: Less Sex, More Pain? - 12/19/2007 4:32:38 PM

rainasmiles

Posts: 20
Joined: 3/5/2004
Status: offline

I enjoy erotic pain (by this I mean pain inflicted with the intention of arousing my dominant partner as well as myself.) much more than sex of any sort. If I had to choose I would choose erotic pain every time. Good sex can definitely enhance the pain and vice versa however, so for me it doesn't get any better than combining the two.

(in reply to GregariousGreta)

Post #: 18

RE: Less Sex, More Pain? - 12/19/2007 4:52:28 PM

Rockbound

Posts: 25
Joined: 10/6/2006
Status: offline

Sex without pain is like food without spice.

(in reply to rainasmiles)

Post #: 19

RE: Less Sex, More Pain? - 12/19/2007 6:06:49 PM

goodgirl08

Posts: 145
Joined: 6/11/2007
Status: offline

I love sex and giving it as part of my servitude, but BDSM play/foreplay is what turns me on the most.

(in reply to Rockbound)

Post #: 20

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