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Need Lots of REAL advice please - 12/16/2007 9:32:50 AM

loveslave2007

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Hello everyone. i am a married submissive husband, however, my wife is not into the scene. Currently she does not know about my true submissiveness, she just knows i prefer her being in control. The problem with that is, she prefers me being in control, which i have a difficult time doing. What we really need is someone in control of both of us, be it a couple or one individual. I'm a bit concerned about bringing this up with her, as I don't want to jeapordize our relationship in any way. I am hoping people can offer advice, good websites for ways to get things started, how to introduce the idea to her without her flipping out. Please don't post here if you're going to be negative, and also, please don't tell me i just need to leave her or that I need to just but a chastity device and put it on and give her the keys. I know it's not going to be that easy with her. Any help would greatly appreciated from all, whether You are a Dom/Domme or a sub/slave.

Respectfully,
loveslave2004

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RE: Need Lots of REAL advice please - 12/16/2007 9:39:55 AM

LadyLynx

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Well this site is a good place to start out with finding information, but I strongly suggest that you talk to her BEFORE you engage in any activities with other people, or even going to a munch,play party,etc. Ask if she ever thought about taking control/having someone take control further? (like having to ask for permission,picking out her clothing,ask her what she thinks about polyamoury. Keep in mind that if she ever is okay with this, it will probably take a while. Take it slowly. Good Luck!

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RE: Need Lots of REAL advice please - 12/16/2007 9:41:45 AM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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You need to talk to her. Does she want someone in control of everything or just sexually? Do you want control in everyday life or just sexually? Maybe you could take turns topping each other. It doesn't make you dominant topping her if you are doing so in order to make her happy. It wouldn't make her dominant to be in charge sexually sometimes if she was doing so in order to make you happy. It would make you both loving partners who cared enough about each other to do things you don't prefer occasionally just because you know your partner does prefer them.

How is your relationship otherwise? Any resentments, any other areas of no communication? How about fixing all the rest first, possibly even with couple counseling. Because people are more likely to agree to do something they get nothing from to please their partner if they have a good relationship to begin with.

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RE: Need Lots of REAL advice please - 12/16/2007 9:47:15 AM

loveslave2007

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The relationship as a whole is very good. The sex life is usually good, but sometimes it has it's downs too. I've tried the dominant role in bed, and i have a very difficult time getting into it, usually turns me off, which is dissappointing seeing my hot wife lying there and i can't be that person. I try, but it just doesn't work. I think for the most part, i am seeking this control sexually, but in other ways too. I enjoy pleasing her, doing little things for her to make her happy and comfortable. So every day life is a possibility as well. I want to talk to her, but i don't know how to start the conversation. I want to be prepared if/when i talk to her about it.

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RE: Need Lots of REAL advice please - 12/16/2007 9:57:48 AM

takenbyjohnr07

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Why don't you try this. Set up a fantasy in your head that she has ordered you to Dominate her. She has ordered you to be her sex slave and to, please her in the way she sees fit. Every move every touch is what she wants fromn you. If you Dominate her you are submitting to her needs. Bringing other people into the mix even if both parties agree can be the death of a relationship more often than not.

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RE: Need Lots of REAL advice please - 12/16/2007 9:57:49 AM

MidMichCowboy

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There is nothing to prepare. This is a talk about feelings. Please don't be so crass as to point her to a website and walk away. You both need certain things from your relationship. You have to sit down and discuss how you are going to get them. If you can't do that with someone you love and live with, who can you do it with. It seems to me that want an assurance that it will all work out. There are no assurances like that in life. If the two of you don't resolve this, you will either drift apart or live together unsatisfied. If you bring up the subject, it could lead to a solution or it could lead to the two of you splitting to find your satisfaction. Nothing any of us say can give you a guarantee that it will all be OK. Its not easy, but it will just get harder if you put it off. Good luck.

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RE: Need Lots of REAL advice please - 12/16/2007 3:29:54 PM

laurell3

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MidMichCowboy

There is nothing to prepare. This is a talk about feelings. Please don't be so crass as to point her to a website and walk away. You both need certain things from your relationship. You have to sit down and discuss how you are going to get them. If you can't do that with someone you love and live with, who can you do it with. It seems to me that want an assurance that it will all work out. There are no assurances like that in life. If the two of you don't resolve this, you will either drift apart or live together unsatisfied. If you bring up the subject, it could lead to a solution or it could lead to the two of you splitting to find your satisfaction. Nothing any of us say can give you a guarantee that it will all be OK. Its not easy, but it will just get harder if you put it off. Good luck.

Agreed. You are married to her and you feel more comfortable asking us..a nameless group of stangers on an internet message board? Sit down and talk to her honestly. If she prefers you being in control, maybe you can switch or maybe you can just order her to do some of the activities you wanted to try and see where it goes from there. There are all kinds of things you could try just starting out, I would avoid the forums with her for now as the intensity of some of the things people post about here could be overwhelming at first. If the relationship is solid as you say it is, you have to trust her to share how you feel.

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RE: Need Lots of REAL advice please - 12/17/2007 12:05:17 PM

loveslave2007

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Thanks E/everyone for all of Your advice. i realize talking to her is important. i just know how "taboo" the bdsm scene is for many, and am unsure how to start the conversation. i'm thinking i'll wait until one of those nights when the foreplay or the sex is really steamy, or just afterwards, when we're lying together relaxing and cuddling. i guess what i'm asking are some suggestions on how to present the idea of Her doming me, or possibly any form of the lifestyle. i was hoping maybe there were some good websites that i have not discovered that discuss good ways bring about the ideas to someone who is vanilla. Again, thanks for the wonderful advice.

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RE: Need Lots of REAL advice please - 12/17/2007 12:21:53 PM

Dnomyar

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Your assuming that she will change her mind. We all know what assuming means. Just come right out and ask her. She will either say yes or no.

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RE: Need Lots of REAL advice please - 12/17/2007 12:34:57 PM

thetammyjo

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You can try to find the movie "Whipsmart" which is about talking to your partner or the book "When Someone you Love is Kinky" which is something to give to someone when you've started a conversation with them.

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RE: Need Lots of REAL advice please - 12/17/2007 12:51:02 PM

AAkasha

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The strategy I suggest to kinky men who are trying to convince their wife to experiment is to stay away from toys, kinky books, movies, or any examples of "S&M." Most women will be completely turned off, start resenting their husband, and think he is a freak. Other women will just feel a sense of obligation, and then go through a self-torturous quest of trying to "become a domina" when in reality she hates every moment of it.

My web site has a lot of articles that suggest to women how they may enjoy BDSM without getting overwhelmed because of the stereotypes and toys. My recommendation is she first is introduced to the idea of being in control - playfully, spontaneously, without pressure. You have to approach it from the standpoint that you want to offer devotion, adoration and surrender - and that she is to enjoy the feelings of empowerment, playful aspects of control, and a feeling of being worshipped. Subtract the toys, roleplaying, BDSM stereotypes from all of this and most women don't find the idea so intimidating any longer.

Patience, honesty and devotion are most important.

Akasha

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