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Just a Question for the Dommes! - 12/13/2007 10:20:03 PM

MissSCD

Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline

I am sure this has probably been asked a time or two, but I don't recall seeing it lately.
I am curious. How many of you have a background with a former partner in domestic violence where you were the victim?
It happened to me. I am wondering if it influenced your decision to become a Domme. Also, did you have anger issues to resolve and overcome? I did.
Thanks for your input.

Regards, MissSCD

Post #: 1

RE: Just a Question for the Dommes! - 12/14/2007 1:33:17 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline

I don't.
I know My girl suffered abuse from so called "Dommes",
but I doubt if that's the reason she was interested in bdsm.
I believe your born this way, like with being gay.
There is something within you which you want to xplore.
Loads can't even name it what it is , and find it out through the internet, because they never found the words to what all those feelings ment.

Abusive relationships has to do with a low selfasteem, and thinking you don't deserve any better. Untill you're ready to get the hell out, and make a life of your own.
I know loads of subs are insecure, it doesn't mean
they were in an abusive relationship before.

I think it's painted too black or white.

It takes all sorts of people which makes the world go round hon :)

B safe.

Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`

_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to MissSCD)

Post #: 2

RE: Just a Question for the Dommes! - 12/14/2007 2:11:54 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

No domestic violence here, although I did have a boyfriend once who shoved me up against a car and well the gun I shoved in his ribs changed his mind about hitting me. Other than that one I have never dated a man who tried to hit me or abuse me in some way. My Mother was horribly abused by her first husband so I knew many of the red flags to look out for and hence avoided such relationships. Although you can't always tell 100% of the time.

My decision to become a Domme came from within me. I am Dominant by nature and I am aggressive, particularly sexually. I am also a sensual sadist and that all pointed me onto the path I now walk. I am very happy and comfortable in my skin as it is.

I am not angry, nor do I hate men. I have never understood why some people feel that Dommes hate men, if that were true then wouldn't it stand to reason that all male Doms hate women? I don't think so. I love men and do what I do because it completes me as a person.

What GoddessTeaze said about abusive relationships and low self esteem is quite correct. Once a woman builds up her self esteem and she realizes that she can change her situation for the better she will find better relationships in which she can flourish rather than being someones punching bag.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to MissSCD)

Post #: 3

RE: Just a Question for the Dommes! - 12/14/2007 2:33:15 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Yes, I did, but I don't think it influenced who I am being a Dominant. I didn't have anger issues. However, in the beginning, it made Me rather...... soft. It was because of that experience that it took Me some time to understand the difference between it being acceptable and not acceptable for certain activities. It was harder for Me to get that people liked the harsher sides of play, so most of My scenes were very light. It took Me longer to be all right with certain things.

It does still influence some of My thoughts on things. For example, I'm huge on the difference betwen between consentual and non-consentual. I'm still very vocal on those who are abusive hiding behind the label of BDSM to condone their behavior. (There is a difference.) It makes Me very respectful of 'safe haven' type enviornments for submissives, be it submissive gatherings or even 'sub only' areas at events. I think My experience in the past makes Me a bit more sensative to these things.

As I said, I didn't have the anger issues, and I'm very thankful for that. What anger I did have didn't transfer to anyone else or BDSM. The issues I did have that could have been negative were, thankfully, worked out before I was introduced to the scene. Reflecting on it, I tend to think it influenced Me in a positive, rather than a negative light. Not that I'd recommend the experience to anyone to make them a better Domme, but there have been good aspects for Me. It helped Me to form some of My ethics.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)

Post #: 4

RE: Just a Question for the Dommes! - 12/14/2007 4:18:43 AM

LadyJeelys

Posts: 99
Joined: 11/17/2007
Status: offline

Domestic violence was part of my family history, but I have not experienced domestic violence.

That said, for a while I was helping with a group for femsubs, and they did an informal poll. Out of 300+ folks only 2 of us reported that we had never been the victim of domestic violence. (I'd had a boy friend think he could hit me once----I dumped his but out of my car and let him find his own way home, from a different state.)

So I do believe there is a linkage between experience of domestic violence and imprinting of certain images on our sexually.....of course, considering the prevelance of domestic violence, it could also just be coincidence.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 5

RE: Just a Question for the Dommes! - 12/14/2007 6:47:03 AM

MissSCD

Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline

All of these answers are very good and helpful.   I have always had a Dominant personality. I served in the military.
When Domestic Violence strikes a family, it really lowers their self-esteme.
No person should ever have to feel degraded from a person they trusted and loved.   It makes you question who you are as a person.
I will admit, I tend to be a bit insecure at times, but I leave that to my former marriage. I am working on it daily.
Keep the answers coming. I am curious to see if there is a pattern in a BDSM relationship.   I started with Dommes first since I am one. I went through all of that.
I was angry because I lost my home and a lot of money because in order to divorce him, I had to pay about $17,000 in equity because he built a building that I did not want on my property.
I do not hate men either. In fact, I am rather fond of them especially if they are in law enforcement, military, or in a protective profession.

Regards, MissSCD

(in reply to LadyJeelys)

Post #: 6

RE: Just a Question for the Dommes! - 12/14/2007 7:42:15 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Not domestic violence in the sense that others have talked about but childhood abuse is a part of my past.

In many, many ways, my mother tried (unconsciously I believe) to make me into a perfect "slave" but frankly that is just totally not me at all.

If anything it just brought out the loving dominant more in me by helping me appreciate those who choose to serve and submit as well as making it very clear to me that I would not be like those people in my family.

Doesn't mean that I couldn't become them. Goddess knows I've had anger problems and I've struck out physically but I worked on those problems and oddly they were never a part of my scene life but showed up in vanilla relationships.

The only think close to domestic violence was a boyfriend who would tell me about how he tortured his cats when he wanted something from me but one of my alters beat the shit out of him enough that he never got what he wanted (certain types of sex).

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to MissSCD)

Post #: 7

RE: Just a Question for the Dommes! - 12/14/2007 8:31:41 AM

MsIncontrol

Posts: 261
Joined: 10/3/2007
Status: offline

I've never been in a domestic violence situation. While a bottom I had my tail bone broken but it was an accident during a scene and not abusive in my eyes (although it was in the eyes of the law).

Firstly, I think I am very confident and have made it clear to every one I've ever dated that if they ever treated me in an unacceptable manner, it would happen once and one time only. I've been in the lifestyle a long time all of my adult life so I think this has helped in some way. Relationship expectations are established, protocols to be followed etc. I've been on both sides of the lifestyle and really have nothing but very good experiences with all the people I've been with. I've been able to remain friends with most of my ex-boyfriends/submissives.

I have noticed that a number of submissives (both male and female) I've interacted in the past have a lot of domestic or child abuse in their past. In fact, more than half of the people I've talked to have mentioned it at one point or another. I am not sure if there is a correlation to our scene or if this is that prevalent in our society and people just don't talk about it.

< Message edited by MsIncontrol -- 12/14/2007 8:32:53 AM >

_____________________________

Happiness is only real when shared. - Christopher McCandless

(in reply to MissSCD)

Post #: 8

RE: Just a Question for the Dommes! - 12/14/2007 10:15:12 AM

indygirl2

Posts: 23
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline

No abuse in my history, child or domestic. The phrase "hell to the no!" comes to mind. The only man who ever thought it was okay to slap me around without my consent (and it was a friend's POS boyfriend, not anyone I would have had anything whatsoever to do with) got arrested for assault.

(in reply to MsIncontrol)

Post #: 9

RE: Just a Question for the Dommes! - 12/14/2007 11:52:56 AM

MistressDolly

Posts: 917
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissSCD

I am sure this has probably been asked a time or two, but I don't recall seeing it lately.
I am curious. How many of you have a background with a former partner in domestic violence where you were the victim?
It happened to me. I am wondering if it influenced your decision to become a Domme. Also, did you have anger issues to resolve and overcome? I did.
Thanks for your input.

Regards, MissSCD

Not a victim, just a counselor to Victims...

Nothing influenced my decision to become a dominant partner; I always maintained relationships within this realm. I do enjoy a man who submits in any capacity but working for victims had no infulence on my preference for same.

ps. I'm sorry you endured what you did in your past....

Dolly

< Message edited by MistressDolly -- 12/14/2007 11:53:25 AM >

_____________________________

m i s t r e s s d o l l y . c o m

m y s p a c e

(in reply to MissSCD)

Post #: 10

RE: Just a Question for the Dommes! - 12/14/2007 12:15:23 PM

ShaktiSama

Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline

Nothing influenced my "decision" to become a domme--I was born this way, there was no conscious decision involved. However, I have been subjected to a good deal of violence in my life, as have many other strong women, because I did not project the submissive "sense of my place" that is expected of a female in my society.

I would suspect that if they really thought about it, many dommes could tell you that they have been subjected to a good many attempts to crush, intimidate or even physically harm them over the years, since early childhood. We are natural targets for gender violence. A great deal of our society's gender terrorism--rapes, beatings, threats, verbal abuse--is designed to keep women in a specific "place" in life. Mentally, emotionally, sexually, professionally, socioeconomically--the "place" women are meant to be is beneathe and inferior to men.

When female power manifests, some will always feel the need to destroy it or beat it down. Witness the American public's response to Hillary Clinton!

(in reply to MistressDolly)

Post #: 11

RE: Just a Question for the Dommes! - 12/14/2007 12:58:52 PM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissSCD

I am sure this has probably been asked a time or two, but I don't recall seeing it lately.
I am curious. How many of you have a background with a former partner in domestic violence where you were the victim?
It happened to me. I am wondering if it influenced your decision to become a Domme. Also, did you have anger issues to resolve and overcome? I did.
Thanks for your input.

Regards, MissSCD

I've been a victim of domestic violence, but no it didn't effect my decision to become a domme... because I already was one, for years.

And no, no anger issues or such to resolve. When we ended our relationship that relationship was over. I'm not someone who can carry hurts or anger from one person and apply them to another, each relationship has been separate.

In fact, after the relationship ended I was no longer angry at my abuser, because to be honest I had to take responsibility in my part of the disfunction that was our relationship. Instead of being angry, I looked at what I did wrong and learned from it so as to avoid such situations again. Do I still feel he was wrong for his part? Of course! But it was a two-way street of stupidity.

But no, I carried no anger on towards my future relationships or that needed to be dealt with longer than about the first month of wrapping up our relationship. I expressed my anger to him and then shook it off as a lesson learned.

My being a domina wasn't effected in any way.

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to MissSCD)

Post #: 12

RE: Just a Question for the Dommes! - 12/14/2007 7:30:19 PM

MissSCD

Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline

Excellent responce SkaktiSama: This is so true in our society. Women are treated to keep themselves beneath a man in every way, and I loved how you ended it with our own rejection of Hiliary Clinton. If Hilliary were a man, she would be nominated hands down.

Blessings to all. Sorry for the things as women we have all endured.

Regards, MissSCD

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShaktiSama

Nothing influenced my "decision" to become a domme--I was born this way, there was no conscious decision involved. However, I have been subjected to a good deal of violence in my life, as have many other strong women, because I did not project the submissive "sense of my place" that is expected of a female in my society.

I would suspect that if they really thought about it, many dommes could tell you that they have been subjected to a good many attempts to crush, intimidate or even physically harm them over the years, since early childhood. We are natural targets for gender violence. A great deal of our society's gender terrorism--rapes, beatings, threats, verbal abuse--is designed to keep women in a specific "place" in life. Mentally, emotionally, sexually, professionally, socioeconomically--the "place" women are meant to be is beneathe and inferior to men.

When female power manifests, some will always feel the need to destroy it or beat it down. Witness the American public's response to Hillary Clinton!

(in reply to ShaktiSama)

Post #: 13

RE: Just a Question for the Dommes! - 12/14/2007 8:23:34 PM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

Kinda sorta. There was a little physical abuse early in my marriage. That changed, but the underlying fear of his temper never went away. I lived in fear of his explosive and unpredictable temper. I wasn't physically in danger but the stress and tension in the household was oppresive at times.

Does it have anything to do with who I am now? Yes and no. In many ways I was the dominant factor in the relationship. I just allowed his temper to subdue it because I was afraid. Had I really stood up to his tantrums he probably would have been happier as well. I think a part of him needed the structure but neither of us understood anything about power dynamics in relationships.

The one way that it had a very direct effect on who I am now, is in regards to making sure I get my needs met. He was pretty selfish and always took care of himself. I was pretty accomodating and usually let him. Once we had kids I came dead last. So putting myself first on the list is pretty heady stuff for me. I love it.

(in reply to MissSCD)

Post #: 14

RE: Just a Question for the Dommes! - 12/16/2007 12:32:03 PM

eponastar

Posts: 76
Joined: 11/19/2004
Status: offline

I was with a guy who hurt me in ways I never imagined possible. After I finnaly grew a spine, I put him in the hospital; for doing the samething to my friend. Out of that experience I learned that I am not a victim but a suvivor.

I was finnaly able to outwardly express my dominat personality, and things kinda took off from there. But being abused did not lead me to the lifestyle, but rather lead me to who I am, a strong independant woman who never backs down. That is what brought me to the lifestyle.

(in reply to MissSCD)

Post #: 15

RE: Just a Question for the Dommes! - 12/16/2007 1:46:16 PM

vampchick88

Posts: 346
Joined: 4/10/2007
Status: offline

I was once a victim of domestive violence, walked on, trampled, etc. you get the picture. Once I gained my balance again and stopped thinking of the past, I went back to being an outspoken Dominant by nature. I have used flogging of people as a way to get stress off my mind. To me being a Domme is one of the most calming things I can do. Its fun as hell, I get to play, and I know I'm always in control of the situation.

_____________________________

Proud owner of rubberpet, the best investment of my time, trust, and heart that any Domme could ever dream of.

(in reply to eponastar)

Post #: 16

RE: Just a Question for the Dommes! - 12/16/2007 2:03:17 PM

abytchgoddess4u

Posts: 268
Joined: 10/17/2004
Status: offline

No domestic violence here...I've been dominant since I was a child.

However; I do have a history of codependency, which contributed to some bad relationship choices. I had to do a lot of work on myself to overcome that...fortunately, I did so before I got more involved in WIITWD.

_____________________________

"Everything in the Universe Is within you.
Ask all from yourself." Rumi

"The world will know and understand me someday. But if that day does not arrive, it does not greatly matter. I shall have opened the way for other women."
George Sand

(in reply to vampchick88)

Post #: 17

RE: Just a Question for the Dommes! - 12/16/2007 2:13:11 PM

DianeB269

Posts: 1596
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissSCD

I am sure this has probably been asked a time or two, but I don't recall seeing it lately.
I am curious. How many of you have a background with a former partner in domestic violence where you were the victim?
It happened to me. I am wondering if it influenced your decision to become a Domme. Also, did you have anger issues to resolve and overcome? I did.
Thanks for your input.

Regards, MissSCD

No, I've never been a victim of domestic violence.

Diane

(in reply to MissSCD)

Post #: 18

RE: Just a Question for the Dommes! - 12/16/2007 2:16:09 PM

DragonLadysFire

Posts: 167
Joined: 12/8/2007
Status: offline

I'm new but, I'll put in my two cents anyway. I was always Dom by nature. I had many times that I had been pushed around, beaten, and degraded. It never dampened or changed my Dom nature.
It is sad how socity is reacting to Hillary.

(in reply to vampchick88)

Post #: 19

RE: Just a Question for the Dommes! - 12/16/2007 2:30:26 PM

tornaway

Posts: 174
Joined: 4/14/2007
Status: offline

Nope - not at all . I love being a Domme - it fits my natural tendancies well . And I love men ! I just happen to love doin' stuff to them too !

(in reply to DragonLadysFire)

Post #: 20

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