Remembering

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slavejali -> Remembering (12/11/2007 6:11:38 AM)
So, I have this friend .... Who recently started to remember events from her childhood involving her father. How would someone deal with something like that? Whats the process of resolvement> The father is dead. I think she is very angry. I think it has effected her life and her choices. It's probably made her what she is in so many ways. She could always remember the physical abuse but not the sexual. Why mind blank there? and why remember now? I think it was her fucking brothers fault, calling her up a month or so ago out of the blue and watning to talk about shit from our childhoods..told him quite certainly the past is the past and I didnt want to go for a trip down memory lane. I'm so sick of the pain, if its not one thing its another, I jsut want everyone to leave me alone. I asked Master to beat me,wanted to release some of this energy but he wont. Fuck I feel so fucking angry. Sorry to post this to this forum, but this the only forum I belong to and just wanted to write. I'll probably be ok tomorrow. Cya.

mnottertail -> RE: Remembering (12/11/2007 6:14:23 AM)
Jali, we all process it differently, bro probably didnt want to be alone, jeez you girls are fucking nuts, ----men talk to us-----tell us how you feel------you get it and then you go ewwwwwwwww........ Nothing is exactly as we remember it anyhow Jali, exactly....if it sinks back into the dark right quick, fine..otherwise seek counselling. Your net buddy, Ron

slavejali -> RE: Remembering (12/11/2007 6:39:01 AM)
It was really werid, when he died and went and viewed his body and I just blurted ou the words "i forgive you" and I had no clue what I was forgiving him for at the time. I remember over the years at certain times, he would be really drunk and slobbering all over me saying how sorry he was but he never said what he was sorry for and I had no clue why he was saying that and he would be looking at me like as if I understood what he was talking about but I jsut didn't. And I am really really ffucking angry that he has probably passed onto me my pre-dispotion to pain associated sexuality. I fucking enjoy that and ive got him to thank for it?? fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and I am not going to be fucking healed from it, I dont want to be healed from it. This is totally fucked. And dont mind me, Im typing random thoughts..I want to talk to someone that doesnt know me..and thats whoever reads this forum at the moment.

Gardenista -> RE: Remembering (12/11/2007 6:42:12 AM)
I'm so sorry for your pain, slavejali. =(

adoracat -> RE: Remembering (12/11/2007 6:47:36 AM)
sighs its terribly difficult to deal with childhood sexual abuse. i know, i struggle with it also. the father isnt the person who needs forgiven...screw him. you need to forgive yourself. hugs you dont have to give up what your body craves. who cares WHY you enjoy the things you do, just enjoy them! as long as no one is getting hurt without consent, its all good. yes, its going to take time to feel better. yes, there will always be that blemish on your psyche, but eventually it'll just be a scar, and no longer a wound. honestly. kitten, who has her own scars and memories.

KatyLied -> RE: Remembering (12/11/2007 6:47:47 AM)
Jali, I like seeing you back. I'm sorry that such sad, confusing circumstances have brought you back though. I hope you can find some peace. Please know that you are in my thoughts.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Remembering (12/11/2007 6:47:51 AM)
I think Ron's got a good point here, Jali. Maybe it would help to think about someone outside of yourself, and consider how it affected your brother that he was powerless to stop your father from doing whatever he did to you. If something like that is going on in the family, the other kids know even if the adults are more adept at forcing themselves to be clueless. Guys can feel shame, helplessness and rage their whole lives because they were unable to stop something like this. And the real killer? The guy gets all pissed at the sister for "letting" it happen. This makes no logical sense of course, and he knows it, so he feels even more ashamed and helpless. I've seen my share of post-trauma flashbacks, and I can tell you for certain that it was better for people that they remembered, even though it really sucked for them at the time. Growth is painful. So is healing. Pain is not always bad, even in vanilla.

thetammyjo -> RE: Remembering (12/11/2007 6:51:43 AM)
You friend has to cope with her memories in the way that is best for her. Personally I recommend taking the time to find a good therapist. You can't push her or help her beyond being there to listen if she wants to talk, hold her if she needs to care, or just do very mundane or silly things with her when she just frankly needs to get on with life. It will go back and forth. I understand the anger you feel from both sides of this issue. It is very hard to be in this pain, it is very difficult to stand by and not try to "fix" someone in pain but "fixing" isn't empowering and most people who have to confront a difficult past need to feel empowered because often a big part of what is hurting is the feeling of having power taken from us.

Owner4SexSlave -> RE: Remembering (12/11/2007 6:56:15 AM)
Slavejali, I went through similar thing in my own memory for about a 6 year period.. just out of the blue, I started remembering shit. Clear as day, the Anger, the hurt the Pain.. And dare I Admit... probally has a lot to do with my own Twisted BDSM world of Sex and Pain. Did not involve any family members, however was somebody from the neighborhood when I was child. Dare I even admit it, I actually thought about tracking this son of a bitch down and doing some very sadistic things... Sort of like confronting Satan or something. Now, this is no easy ride you are on right now.. The only way to break free of this, is to face it head on and talk that walk through mental HELL, deal with it now. As a kid, you were not able to mentally process all this crap, so it got buried inside your mind.. that's how you were able to cope and survive and live at the time. Now you are order, and safe and sound. Now, you are remembering... you have an adult mind now, you are simply able to deal with it. The threat and fears are not longer there. I know the kind of HELL you are going through right now. Anger is not a strong enough word to describe it too.. It's more like RAGE, and it's a scarey thing to find inside yourself. To look inside and realize what pure anger is like... at times trying to fully connect and relate to what is going on... It all takes time. I might help to find some professional conseling, people that will help you work through all this.... I can totally understand why your Master does not want to play while you are going through this. Meaning all the physical pain in the world will not remove these demons from you. It's best to get in touch with your demons and hurt and pain, it has made you who you are today. Look for the good ways that it has shaped who you are. Just don't the bad things.

slavejali -> RE: Remembering (12/11/2007 7:23:20 AM)
I find it hard to cope with feeling angry..Im not an angry person, Im pretty serene actually..and yes..its like rage im feeling Owner. I think too, it will probably go back into the shadows like Ron said and all will be well again. I do pretty much know our mind will lead us wherever we want to follow it..so as soon as i redirect it...everything will be good again. I'm just pissed off at the moment. I feel hurt...I'm really good at redirecting my mind, I just wonder sometimes how much more redirection I can cope with lol Re a therapist: To be honest, I dont trust people enough to talk to anyone like that. Adoracat, what do you mean I need to forgive me? I dont get that at all? Re my brother: I dont think he knows about the issues our conversation has brought up for me. he enver spoke about anything sexual at all, just the physical and mental stuff. I cant really relate to him on a personal level, I left home really early, we never developed an adult brother/sister relationship. he has over the years tried to reach out to me but I block him off. Many years I had to recreate my world and that didnt include anyone from my past. I really appreciate the replies..its giving me an avenue to vent.

slavejali -> RE: Remembering (12/11/2007 7:37:53 AM)
it doesnt really matter, ive got a really good life now. I jsut think its unfair to remember things that have no validity at this point in my life and just coming along to rock my boat. Damn I wish I hadnt remembered, that is just really unfair.blah blah blah..ok im beginning to feel like an idiot now haha

adoracat -> RE: Remembering (12/11/2007 7:37:54 AM)
jali...when i say you need to forgive yourself, i mean...you didnt do anything to deserve or cause this, dont be angry about your love/need for pain in sexuality. chances are, you may have developed that want/need any way without any abuse in your past. it may seem silly to think of...but when you consider the "you" that was abused wasnt a person with an adult mind and an adult way of seeing things, the little person who was abused cant see that they werent at fault or that they didnt do anything to cause the abuse to happen. i'm 44 years old. i still have the occasional nightmare about things that happened to me when i was 6 and 7. it takes time to process it all through and be ok within yourself again. kitten

slavejali -> RE: Remembering (12/11/2007 7:48:33 AM)
hi kitten, I hate to say this but I'm a proud kinda person(maybe proud isnt the right word...not sure what the right word is). When I think about this, it distresses me to think that these past events have influenced my desires. Its like ..by someone elses actions they have moulded me somehow..so that makes me feel really weak...I dont like feeling weak. So the only thing for me to do I think is work out a way to own my desires again rather than thinking they have been handed to me by someone else when I was too young to know any better..if that makes any sense at all.....ugh! lol I don't feel at fault...I just feel weak Like for example: i got over my abusive first marriage by entering a master/slave bdsm relationship..and I came to terms with the fact that I really enjoyed a lot of the aspects of the abusive marriage and tahts why I stayed so long..with this thinking, I owned it ..instead of feeling like a victim.....and in a bdsm realtionship it fitted wth all my desires without the abuse...but see my dilemma now is....that natual inclination to liking the instensity of bdsm and stuff that i thought i had is now being owned by my fucking father...and now I am weak again. grrrr

slavejali -> RE: Remembering (12/11/2007 8:13:53 AM)
Anyways, I need to get to bed, Master gonna kill me when he finds out ive been up half the night, it was just really hard to sleep, thoughts kept bugging me etc etc. thanks for lsitening to my rambling. Night.

mnottertail -> RE: Remembering (12/11/2007 8:15:25 AM)
sleep the sleep of angels, Jali.

Dnomyar -> RE: Remembering (12/11/2007 8:17:30 AM)
YOU need an attitude adjustment. YOU own YOU not your father or anyone else. What happened in the past is already water under the bridge. You can not bring it back and change it. So FUCK it. Move on. I do know what im talking about and you can move on.

wisteriaV -> RE: Remembering (12/11/2007 9:21:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Dnomyar YOU need an attitude adjustment. YOU own YOU not your father or anyone else. What happened in the past is already water under the bridge. You can not bring it back and change it. So FUCK it. Move on. I do know what im talking about and you can move on. Umm BULLSHIT! Sometimes the crap that happens from our past needs to be talked about and dealt with before letting it go. Jali doesn't need "an attitude adjustment". She might benefit from some sort of counceling to get through it however...or a listening ear of compassion!

thetammyjo -> RE: Remembering (12/11/2007 9:22:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slavejali it doesnt really matter, ive got a really good life now. I jsut think its unfair to remember things that have no validity at this point in my life and just coming along to rock my boat. Damn I wish I hadnt remembered, that is just really unfair.blah blah blah..ok im beginning to feel like an idiot now haha I can totally understand why you think it's unfair. Been then, paid the fare, got pissed at the ride but continued and so much better and more me now, thank you very much. However who you are now is directly related to your past. Every decision you make, conscious or subconscious, comes from your past experiences. Until you are fully conscious of the past and can evaluate your decisions with all information available, you will not, in my strong opinion, be free of that past and it will continue to exercise unwanted and non-consensual power over you.

juliaoceania -> RE: Remembering (12/11/2007 9:28:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slavejali it doesnt really matter, ive got a really good life now. I jsut think its unfair to remember things that have no validity at this point in my life and just coming along to rock my boat. Damn I wish I hadnt remembered, that is just really unfair.blah blah blah..ok im beginning to feel like an idiot now haha We repress memories that if they were to surface they would destroy us because we do not know what to do with them... I do not know if this is any consolation, but the fact that these things are coming to the surface now is probably because you are strong enough and in a good enough place to deal with them. It is a testament to your strength now and how wonderful your life really is. That doesn't mean it will not feel like shit to remember it, or not be painful, but it does mean that you are exactly right.. your life is so terrific that these memories can't ruin how wonderful it is...

SleeplessGypsy -> RE: Remembering (12/11/2007 9:34:36 AM)
Jali, You're going through something very simular to what i went through about 10 years ago.. Only my brother was the object of my hatred and resentment.. My Father had passed away which brought my brother and I together after a long time apart.. Just looking at him would make me tremble, and being that I was so very vulnerable at the time, he took full advantage tried to bully and antagonize me.. As hard as I tried to hold it together for the sake of my Mom, I couldn't.. So I snapped and snapped hard and all those years of trying to repress all the ugly he did to me finally came to a head and for a time, i think i went a little kookoo.. I also remember wanting my Husband to be more brutal than normal with me.. funny how you remember things... anyway... what helped me to get through it was writing him letter.. I never intended him to read it, but it was me doing whatever I could to move past what I thought i already had years ago... Once in awhile i'll take the letter out and read it.. Now, all these years later it's like reading the pages out of someone elses life.. I'm amazed at some of the things I had to endure and wonder why I never slit his throat while he slept.. It's OK to get mad and feel what you're feeling.. I pride myself on being a calm, level headed person too but obviously you have some unresolved emotions that need to come out.. Go ahead and scream if you have to!.. Get it out, let it go and move on... Doesn't make you weak or angry.. Just means your human.. If you wanna talk, mail me on the other side..[:)]

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