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Building bridges - 12/7/2007 8:27:23 AM

missturbation

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Plain and simply how do i go about building bridges with someone i really hurt and betrayed? I know that in the end it is up to me to try to resolve this but i just have absolutely no idea where to start.
Thank you in advance

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RE: Building bridges - 12/7/2007 8:42:23 AM

toservez

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A heartfelt apology and be open and available if/when they reach out to you.

Pushing a timeframe or wanting specific actions from the other is an absolute no no. It no longer becomes about building a bridge but just the guilty party acting in some combination of being selfish, just wanting to feel better and trying to shift the blame or the current status of the relationship onto the other.

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RE: Building bridges - 12/7/2007 9:29:49 AM

pahunkboy

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Time can heal wounds. you might have lost out. But I would do an apoligy- cause life is so short. being human is often understood. Hugs! i made my share of mistakes.

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RE: Building bridges - 12/7/2007 9:40:08 AM

Mercnbeth

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All bridges require a foundation. Often that foundation is built in a river bed of muck and mire. Before putting up anything strong the muck has to be removed and dug out until you hit bedrock. Its a dirty, humiliating process but without it eventually the bridge will sink and collapse. Sometimes bedrock is only a few feet under the mud, sometimes its much deeper. Sometimes its so deep you have to decide whether to build the bridge in another place, or give up the idea completely.

Since you used the 'i' pronoun for hurt and betrayed, I'll assume that the majority of effort will have to come from the same 'i' source.

'Hurt & betrayal' / 'muck & mire'; you have to expose it and dig it out. Give it your best effort if you see a valued goal on the other side of the bridge.

Good luck!

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RE: Building bridges - 12/7/2007 9:58:32 AM

carlie310

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Tell them where and how you screwed up. "I made a mistake and chose poorly when I (fill in the blank of thing you did.) I know now how that hurt you and I'm sorry." Taking ownership of what you did goes far. You can choose together to go into why you hurt and betrayed them or to let it be in the past, but don't make excuses/explanations when you're first getting into it.

I do not trust my cousin because she can't understand how her actions are her choices and responsibilities, even though she believes they were appropriate responses to what I did. (I disagree, fwiw.) Everyone has reasons for what they do, even irrational ones, but we still need to be able to admit to making our own sucky choices.

After that, you go out of your way to show you are trying to avoid more decisions to hurt and betray. And you give it time.

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RE: Building bridges - 12/7/2007 10:12:10 AM

Stephann

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First off:

Not all rivers should be crossed. If they make it clear they don't want a bridge, that's a choice you need to respect. It's probably the most bitter pill to swallow. Sometimes it is just a matter of time... I wish I was waxing poetic on this one, but I'm trying to swallow a big honkin horsepill of regret myself, and I keep choking on it.

Beyond that, I'd suggest keeping it simple. First, figure out what sort of relationship you want to have. If it was a hot, heavy, torrid romance, you're going to have trouble converting that into a warm, supportive friendship. Sometimes the person you loved, can only love you as a lover. If you've already got a lover, then you have to decide what's more important. Also, decide what you're willing to sacrifice in the building; is it worth it to bare all of your sins? Is this person really worth grovelling? Do you care that much about your dignity?

Once you've decided what direction to take it, and how far you're willing to go to try, now you can roll up your sleeves and get to work. Full confessions may be good for the soul, but they can make things murky in the resolution. Don't be confrontational; accept your part for what you did, and don't expect them to make you feel good, or better for your mistakes. Don't expect or demand any sort of contrition on their part; the point here isn't to settle the score, but rather to pave over it.

Don't demean yourself. I mentioned dignity; I really mean be willing to be humble. It may be hard to say you're sorry, but it's even harder to mean it. You can kiss someone's feet and hands, without kissing their ass. It's incredibly hard to respect a kiss-ass, and it's likely they'd just be disgusted with you.

Try to smile. Humility doesn't mean misery; it really does (for me) mean accepting your lumps with a smile. Your relationship wasn't originally built with you being a shithead; it was built with the mutual experiences you shared, laughing, smiling, and sometimes crying together. If you're to be worth having as a friend, bring your best qualities to the table.

From there... it's in Gods hands, I think. You can never make someone forgive you; all you can do is give them your apology, and your most sincere smile.

Good luck,

Stephan

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RE: Building bridges - 12/7/2007 11:05:47 AM

Politesub53

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As other have said, all you can do is offer an apology and say you wish to put things right. From then on in, its down to the other party as to how they react. The only advice i can give is if they start throwing stuff your way ( verbally), let it wash over you and hopefully things will sort themselves out. At least you would have given it a go.

Best wishes and good luck.

< Message edited by Politesub53 -- 12/7/2007 11:07:48 AM >

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RE: Building bridges - 12/7/2007 11:36:14 AM

Aneirin

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Building bridges is difficult, even building the foundations for that bridge can be difficult.All I can say is really analyse what went wrong and be realistic about blame and where it is put, things often happen for the slightest misunderstanding, sometimes so trivial, it is easy to not understand, but hey, we are all different.

Be honest, admit faults, bare your soul, no matter how painful and take it from there.If the other's response is to meet you half way then all well and good, but if they choose to go, it is their choice.But rest assured you did you absolute best to retrieve what was lost and all one can do is their best.

It maybe they come back someday after having thought and allowed things to settle in.

A horrible experience I know, most of us have been there and I wish you the best of good fortune with your bridge building.

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RE: Building bridges - 12/7/2007 1:27:06 PM

Raechard

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Don’t ask this lot they have never hurt or betrayed anyone in their lives from what I read them say.

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RE: Building bridges - 12/7/2007 1:50:57 PM

Raechard

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann
Not all rivers should be crossed.

Name one.

Actually you have a point I really don't like talking with people from North London so it pains me to cross the Thames at any location.

< Message edited by Raechard -- 12/7/2007 1:52:24 PM >

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RE: Building bridges - 12/7/2007 3:41:55 PM

juliaoceania

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Sometimes the person that you hurt and betrayed wants the healing as badly as you do. If that is the case perhaps you might be pleasantly surprised that it is not as far a span as you may think that needs to be bridged...since you gave no information about that, I will assume that you have not even attempted to span that space between you.

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RE: Building bridges - 12/7/2007 3:53:03 PM

seeksfemslave

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I just knew you werent perfect Missturbation. You've gone and done it now he he he he he he and an extra he

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