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sexyred1 -> RE: Mis-matched experience a hangup? (11/27/2007 1:12:54 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: gorgeous1
quote:
ORIGINAL: DesFIP
How long is someone to go without being fulfilled while hoping the other person may someday catch up experience wise? Because someone who is very edgy; needles, fireplay etc might get into a relationship with someone who may never get to a point where he feels comfortable doing branding, knife play, violet wands.
You could spend three years while he reaches his comfort zone only to discover he won't ever get to where you are.
Personally I need more basic compatibility. I needed a non sadistic bondage top who was dominant in his interpersonal relationships. If I had taken just anyone I could have wound up with an arch conservative, sadist who hates rope - and I'm not compatible with someone like that.
Well, that's part of the 90/10 relationship ratio. You have to be happy with 90% of the person you want to be with because you will inevitably spend the rest of the relationship trying to change the 10% you don't like.
You have to have basic compatibility, and wouldn't you say that edge play is pretty extreme? Some of it leaves permanent marks, and some of it presents a real danger. Some bdsm play is a safe thrill like a rollercoaster, and some of it has true risks, like skydiving.
Are you saying that for some people, their kink has become so laser beam focused that they are unwilling to compromise at all? Are you saying that some people are willing to let a great person go simply because they are kinky but will NEVER do X,Y &Z, but will happily do A through W?
I am really not understanding your points here today. When you say that a relationship is 90/10, I happen to think it is more like 70/30, but ok.
I would not say that I would try to change the other 10-30% because you cannot change anyone; you should instead be able to say you can live with the percentage which is not perfect for you, that is compromise. Nothing is 100%.
About compatibility: there are so many things that one needs in order for compatibility to happen. It also depends on what your goal is. If it is just for play, then all the kinks need matching up. If it is for a serious commitment, then lifestyle, interests, intellect, emotional, communication, all that needs to mesh, in addition for kink.
But there are total degrees; it cannot be quantified, no matter how hard you try to get an answer.
You can have perfect kink in sync, and the rest could suck. You could have perfect best/friend/husband/companion, and bad kink/not in sync; I had both of those scenarios.
It did not mean any of us were bad people or that we did not give the relationships enough time (10 years each, so quite enough, thanks).
So, it is all a matter of blending needs, expectations, ideals, compromise and compatibility and working at making something successful.
That is why I said experience alone in BDSM is not the only thing that matters here. As for edge play and other extreme forms...sometimes you meet someone and that is a limit for you with that particular person. Then you meet someone else and that activity becomes a favorite.
So, each situation is unique and again, I will say it one more time, luck plays a great role in meeting someone wonderful that you can have a partnership. And I am not taking offense at anything, I just like pointing out other schools of thought.
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