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Dominant or control freak - 11/25/2007 2:07:53 PM

SirRussellP

Posts: 107
Joined: 1/10/2006
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Control Freak or Dominant

I have been both and each is very different.

A control freak wants to be in charge of you at all times, no item is too small for him, to ignore no detail. He inspects and almost never likes what he finds.

A Dominant differs in that he sets what is important to him and to the relationship. He is a friend that you can share joys, problems with and who will ask for your advice before making a decision.

A control freak is normally upset because you didn’t do things right which means that no matter how detailed his instructions are there is always more left unspoken. This puts you in the unenviable position of never being good enough.

A Dominant takes responsibility for his own actions or lack thereof. Normally a laidback person that is looking to help you grow and wants you to feel good about yourself, knowing that growth takes errors and failures.

A control freak rarely thinks he makes mistakes it is always someone else that caused the problem.

A Dominant has to be in control of themselves first so has a tendency to look first at his own shortcomings before looking to blame others.

A control freak is often disgusted with your effort or in the way, causing you to be fearful that you will fail again.

A Dominant is a teacher, looking to help and instruct at the same time. A good teacher also give you space and confidence to try it on your own, then may make suggestion on how it might be done even better then you did but lets you know that the effort is what counted.

A control freak rarely has time to enjoy you, spend some time with just you relaxing and loving.

A Dominant loves the idea of time with his lady, a chance to laugh and enjoy or a chance to take her out and show her off, let the world see his pride in her.

A Dominant is mannerly, the first person you want to run to when your world is falling apart, a strong shoulder to cry on, a confidant, etc. He has your best interest at heart even over his own. He respects his lady, honors her, and has great pride in her. Most women never get to experience that for extended periods of time. He also expects the same in return.

A control freak wants life done his way.

A Dominant negotiate how life will be for the 2 of you, but then expects you to do your best, as he will, to live up to the agreement.

< Message edited by SirRussellP -- 11/25/2007 2:13:15 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: Dominant or control freak - 11/25/2007 2:10:51 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

As both a control freak and dominant myself, I think you have some good points here but some majorly over generalizations as well. I try and keep my control freak self in control most of the time (something some control freaks lack due to the worlds necessary levels of irony) and tend to enjoy a wonderful normal life for the most part.

I think the key point is to ask- does this come from a place of security, or from insecurity? If it comes from insecurity, is it something manageable, or something I need to let go?

That takes care of almost all the issues.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SirRussellP)

Post #: 2

RE: Dominant or control freak - 11/25/2007 2:25:04 PM

CuriousLord

Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline

To me, the difference is that a Dominant acts as a control freak in situations in which it's consentual; he isn't slighted by not being in control. A control freak needs to be, regardless of consent, thrives on it, and can become emotional when not in control.

I've spent a lot of time with rather dominant men and women. It's easy to get along; we just respect our mutual boundaries and don't try to push eachother. A control freak would, and would probably become ejected pretty quickly.

(This view isn't for universal application; it serves as a general approximation with regards to the lifestyle.)

(in reply to SirRussellP)

Post #: 3

RE: Dominant or control freak - 11/25/2007 2:51:39 PM

Eurolymius

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/20/2007
Status: offline

nt

< Message edited by Eurolymius -- 11/25/2007 2:52:20 PM >

(in reply to CuriousLord)

Post #: 4

RE: Dominant or control freak - 11/25/2007 2:58:54 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousLord

To me, the difference is that a Dominant acts as a control freak in situations in which it's consentual; he isn't slighted by not being in control. A control freak needs to be, regardless of consent, thrives on it, and can become emotional when not in control.

I've spent a lot of time with rather dominant men and women. It's easy to get along; we just respect our mutual boundaries and don't try to push eachother. A control freak would, and would probably become ejected pretty quickly.

(This view isn't for universal application; it serves as a general approximation with regards to the lifestyle.)

I'd pretty much agree with this distinction.

I can be a control freak but through hard self work I have learned when it is not healthy and it is definitely not healthy with someone who does not consent.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to CuriousLord)

Post #: 5

RE: Dominant or control freak - 11/25/2007 4:25:03 PM

Kaiynasha

Posts: 172
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline

I am so impressed reading this and it made sit back and go hmm. I like when someone writes something that makes me go hmm. I do believe that is probably the thing I had to work on. Being naturally dominant, sometimes being in control of ones world is all one sees or thinks. Also with the work I do for a living, at times, my world has to be controlled especially with individuals I speak with and deal with on a daily basis.

With that said, I believe I have grown alot in this category. And still growing. As a female Domme, I have learned to be more self-reflective and less judgmental. And although I want to be pleased, I also want to make sure that my submissive or slave is feeling safe, stable, and secure.

< Message edited by Kaiynasha -- 11/25/2007 4:55:58 PM >

_____________________________

"Intimacy is based on shared vulnerability...nothing deepens intimacy
like the experiences that we share when we feel flayed, with our skins
off, scared and vulnerable, and our partner is there with us, willing
to share in the scary stuff"

(in reply to SirRussellP)

Post #: 6

RE: Dominant or control freak - 11/25/2007 5:54:58 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14449
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

I find this be a lot of generalization. Beyond that, a lot of control freaks label themselves as dominants because it's easy way to feed the control freak.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Kaiynasha)

Post #: 7

RE: Dominant or control freak - 11/25/2007 6:00:21 PM

RRafe

Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline

I'm interested in controlling a relationship-not a person.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 8

RE: Dominant or control freak - 11/25/2007 6:46:50 PM

ShellyD

Posts: 207
Joined: 3/27/2007
Status: offline

I have experienced the control freak you describe, it was the undoing of what could have been a very fulfilling relationship. Too much negativity, sense of failure, not good enough etc. It took me a long time to get over the lingering side effects. Now I can spot it a mile away, gives me time to run.

(in reply to RRafe)

Post #: 9

RE: Dominant or control freak - 11/26/2007 4:42:53 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousLord

To me, the difference is that a Dominant acts as a control freak in situations in which it's consentual; he isn't slighted by not being in control. A control freak needs to be, regardless of consent, thrives on it, and can become emotional when not in control.

I've spent a lot of time with rather dominant men and women. It's easy to get along; we just respect our mutual boundaries and don't try to push eachother. A control freak would, and would probably become ejected pretty quickly.

(This view isn't for universal application; it serves as a general approximation with regards to the lifestyle.)

This sums it up pretty well. Control freaks to me are grown kids who throw a temper tantrum whenever things do not go their way. I do not deal with control freaks but most Dominants I do not have a problem with because it is a different way of viewing things and acting on them.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to CuriousLord)

Post #: 10

RE: Dominant or control freak - 11/26/2007 6:47:17 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

I find this be a lot of generalization. Beyond that, a lot of control freaks label themselves as dominants because it's easy way to feed the control freak.

I agree with this. When I read the OP it sounded more like a classic these people are bad I am good type post in all honesty.

I do not think control freaks are bad people or think of others as inferior but ones who just have a strong need to do things their way and cross the line when they run over or manipulate people. Many of the OP things he described as dominant are of course good traits to have, they are good traits for any person to have!

Control is a part of domination and not domination in itself.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 11

RE: Dominant or control freak - 11/26/2007 10:16:58 AM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

Outside of forming psychological profiles that maybe can be applied to a small percentage of people labeled as dominants or control freaks, I think in the general sense that these words are used by people in this scope that there isn't really any difference between the two.

People just call people they like dominants and people they don't like control freaks.

For example, that whole silly thing called the "Acid Test" or whatever it was. The derotagory warnings about "avoiding control freaks" that were given would have easily categorized a great number of posters here who desire D/S and M/S relationships without a huge interest in kink as the evil "control freak".

Because at the end of the day, besides the fact that one term is positive and one term is negative, there isn't a huge difference. Both are people who want people to do things their way.

To anyone who wasn't educated in D/S or M/S, I would probably be nothing but a control freak to them given what I want in a partner.

Also, with the first two people I was dating and working towards a D/S relationship with, in my "Dom Frenzy", I made the mistake of ignoring some boundaries.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 12

RE: Dominant or control freak - 11/26/2007 6:48:46 PM

pinksugarsub

Posts: 1224
Status: offline

Thank You for a few more items to mull over.

pinksugarsub

_____________________________

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 13

RE: Dominant or control freak - 11/26/2007 6:52:31 PM

kc692

Posts: 3701
Joined: 3/24/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirRussellP

Control Freak or Dominant

I have been both and each is very different.

A control freak wants to be in charge of you at all times, no item is too small for him, to ignore no detail. He inspects and almost never likes what he finds.

A Dominant differs in that he sets what is important to him and to the relationship. He is a friend that you can share joys, problems with and who will ask for your advice before making a decision.

A control freak is normally upset because you didn’t do things right which means that no matter how detailed his instructions are there is always more left unspoken. This puts you in the unenviable position of never being good enough.

A Dominant takes responsibility for his own actions or lack thereof. Normally a laidback person that is looking to help you grow and wants you to feel good about yourself, knowing that growth takes errors and failures.

A control freak rarely thinks he makes mistakes it is always someone else that caused the problem.

A Dominant has to be in control of themselves first so has a tendency to look first at his own shortcomings before looking to blame others.

A control freak is often disgusted with your effort or in the way, causing you to be fearful that you will fail again.

A Dominant is a teacher, looking to help and instruct at the same time. A good teacher also give you space and confidence to try it on your own, then may make suggestion on how it might be done even better then you did but lets you know that the effort is what counted.

A control freak rarely has time to enjoy you, spend some time with just you relaxing and loving.

A Dominant loves the idea of time with his lady, a chance to laugh and enjoy or a chance to take her out and show her off, let the world see his pride in her.

A Dominant is mannerly, the first person you want to run to when your world is falling apart, a strong shoulder to cry on, a confidant, etc. He has your best interest at heart even over his own. He respects his lady, honors her, and has great pride in her. Most women never get to experience that for extended periods of time. He also expects the same in return.

A control freak wants life done his way.

A Dominant negotiate how life will be for the 2 of you, but then expects you to do your best, as he will, to live up to the agreement.

Kisses and hugs, my dear friend, it is good to see you posting!!!!!

_____________________________

Anyone can overpower; not many can INSPIRE.....

This is only MY opinion. If it's not yours, let's agree in advance to agree to disagree, OR, you can just get the fuck over what I had to say:)

(in reply to SirRussellP)

Post #: 14

RE: Dominant or control freak - 11/26/2007 8:37:29 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: toservez

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

I find this be a lot of generalization. Beyond that, a lot of control freaks label themselves as dominants because it's easy way to feed the control freak.

I agree with this. When I read the OP it sounded more like a classic these people are bad I am good type post in all honesty.

I do not think control freaks are bad people or think of others as inferior but ones who just have a strong need to do things their way and cross the line when they run over or manipulate people. Many of the OP things he described as dominant are of course good traits to have, they are good traits for any person to have!

Control is a part of domination and not domination in itself.

I agree.

It's kind of funny, most of the Doms I have known have been an odd combination of both. You know, the type that can't get change from the cashier without arranging it in sequential order in their wallet all facing the same way? Or the guy that stops in the middle of sex to pick up the clothes that were tossed in the heat of passion and fold them? That's really more of the type of thing I would refer to as a "control freak" and it's not necessarily a bad thing and gives me something to chuckle about, albeit maybe at my own peril.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 15

RE: Dominant or control freak - 11/27/2007 7:11:35 AM

SirRussellP

Posts: 107
Joined: 1/10/2006
Status: offline

kc692

Glad to see you here it has been a while, we should chat sometime soon where are you hanging out Kutie.

I see once again though that many here really don't understand the Life from what the general public thinks. Shame how many accept poser as Doms but of course we have had this discussion in the past and I know you follow my way of thinking on it.

Email with when and where I can chat with you

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 16

RE: Dominant or control freak - 11/27/2007 7:47:39 AM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirRussellP

I see once again though that many here really don't understand the Life from what the general public thinks. Shame how many accept poser as Doms but of course we have had this discussion in the past and I know you follow my way of thinking on it.

Once again, my theory about this Dominant vs Control Freak issue is proven to be true!

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to SirRussellP)

Post #: 17

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