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From vanilla to D/s - 11/21/2007 6:26:54 AM

leatherzack

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This is a question for those who don't live this Lifestyle 24/7.

What make you leave the vanilla mode to enteer the D/s one ?
And who decides it ?

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RE: From vanilla to D/s - 11/21/2007 6:30:49 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Well my relationship is based on vanilla expectations and we both switch together so perhaps we apply- it's not really a choice. We just go where the energy goes.

We had one of those moments this weekend. Saturday night I was intensly FEELING my dominance over him- it was oozing out of me and feeling oh so good.

Sunday we're just walking through the grocery store and out comes "Yes sir!" I laughed at my partner about it and asked our "How are you feeling?" question and he laughed as well and said he'd been feeling the switch for awhile as well and that I'd actually called him sir once already and hadn't even noticed.

So that just made us both laugh more- people ask us a lot how we "decide" who is on what position. It's so NOT a decision we make- it's just what it is.

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RE: From vanilla to D/s - 11/21/2007 8:10:02 AM

Phin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

It's so NOT a decision we make- it's just what it is.

thats pretty much the way it is for me too

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RE: From vanilla to D/s - 11/21/2007 8:16:01 AM

RCdc

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We don't differentiate between what is 'vanilla' and what isn't. Life and being just 'is'.
As Em said, it's not a decision, it is what it is and we are simply as we are.

the.dark.

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RE: From vanilla to D/s - 11/21/2007 8:25:23 AM

Stephann

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I'd always felt something was missing in my earlier relationships. I felt like I was constantly expected to hold back who and how I was, to keep my partner happy. Incorporating power exchange into my relationships feels most like I am being myself. I learned that it was a way to express darker, more primal feelings that until then had no way out.

dark,

I understand what you're saying; but I know when I think back to when I first stumbled on information about BDSM (as more than just a bizzare picture of some tall evil woman in a catsuit with a whip) a decision to actively embrace what it means was necessary. People who are compelled to hurt or be hurt by others for pleasure, without understanding why, often have a huge mental hurdle of 'is this really ok?' to overcome.

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RE: From vanilla to D/s - 11/21/2007 8:26:36 AM

RRafe

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quote:

ORIGINAL: leatherzack

This is a question for those who don't live this Lifestyle 24/7.

What make you leave the vanilla mode to enteer the D/s one ?
And who decides it ?

Huh?

I'm what I am..........how does one decide to "leave" that?

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RE: From vanilla to D/s - 11/21/2007 8:33:54 AM

Jeffff

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I don't see , or feel any seperation between 'vanilla"..and bdsm. For me it is a relationship. It ebbs and flows and things just happen as they happen. I don't feel "special" in a bdsm way. I just feel like....Jeff

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RE: From vanilla to D/s - 11/21/2007 8:47:09 AM

RCdc

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

dark,

I understand what you're saying; but I know when I think back to when I first stumbled on information about BDSM (as more than just a bizzare picture of some tall evil woman in a catsuit with a whip) a decision to actively embrace what it means was necessary. People who are compelled to hurt or be hurt by others for pleasure, without understanding why, often have a huge mental hurdle of 'is this really ok?' to overcome.

Hello Stephann

I understand the mental hurdles some people have, but for me I never had that. I have always believed that is due to the way I was raised and I adore my parents for how they did that - never having to feel guilt or hate or negativity to myself or anyone else and a huge lot of love for my nanna who died at 91 but who always, always burned into me that if I was myself, that no matter what others thought, if I was happy - that is what mattered. The question of 'why' doesn't come into it for me because that (for me) leads to second guessing and over analysing any given situation. The happiness and contentment is what is important and always has been in my life.

the.dark.

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RE: From vanilla to D/s - 11/21/2007 8:56:37 AM

AAkasha

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A common theme I see in the threads seems to be that some feel the need to "work" bdsm, while others just live it. There is no "from vanilla to D/s." I don't think about it. It just is. My partner adapts to my moods and hungers. It's all very fluid.

The same goes with questions regarding "how do you dominate" or "what should a domina do in this situation" etc. - I never think about this. I just do what comes instinctively to me. It's generally desire and lust pushing me to do the acts that are on my mind; not "ok, so I am the dominant, what is the dominant thing to do at this moment?"

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RE: From vanilla to D/s - 11/21/2007 9:35:20 AM

FRSguy

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I dont live it 24/7 but I do dominate to a higher degree within the relationship than some might expect. As far as moving into the D/S mode thats easy. Pretty much all of our sex is BDSM related with very little vanilla in the mix. When we have a lot of time we are going to be spending with each other like a saturday or something then we start to switch into the D/S mode as a form of foreplay. You might say I start ordering her around in the morning before I get out of bed and by that evening shes in the ropes. We have an adult room that the ums are not allowed to be in for the most part. On days that I know that we are going to be playing I will sometimes set out the equipment and keep adding to the mix as the day progresses that way she can somewhat anticipate her evening.

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RE: From vanilla to D/s - 11/21/2007 12:42:31 PM

bipolarber

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quote:

ORIGINAL: leatherzack

This is a question for those who don't live this Lifestyle 24/7.

What make you leave the vanilla mode to enteer the D/s one ?
And who decides it ?

I have this little tiny vanilla landlord inside my head, and every once in a while, when I haven't paid my erotic rent, he serves me with an eviction notice... so I have to leave. But at least he gives me some notice, so I can make travel arrangements ahead of time. The worst time is during the holidays... there are always so many delays at the airport....

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RE: From vanilla to D/s - 11/21/2007 2:11:46 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
A common theme I see in the threads seems to be that some feel the need to "work" bdsm, while others just live it. There is no "from vanilla to D/s." I don't think about it. It just is. My partner adapts to my moods and hungers. It's all very fluid.

The same goes with questions regarding "how do you dominate" or "what should a domina do in this situation" etc. - I never think about this. I just do what comes instinctively to me. It's generally desire and lust pushing me to do the acts that are on my mind; not "ok, so I am the dominant, what is the dominant thing to do at this moment?"

Akasha

Hmm well I'll clarify that we do work our bdsm- we do set specific play dates and we have to consciously shake ourselves out of doldrums- usually when its been three weeks of non stop events and errands and trips and we're just so done with doing ANYTHING that we get stuck being tired too much.

And we put lots of work into the relationship as well- consistently working for betterment of our connection and future.

But we don't work at all when it comes to orientations and HOW we fit together.

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RE: From vanilla to D/s - 11/21/2007 2:48:05 PM

denika

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My husband and I have never been mainstream ( I prefer that term over vanilla) but we were not involved in BDSM, it wasn't until I reached out to the community did I understand what I was looking for. Rob isn't a sadist and to make him one would be as unfair as telling me NOT to be a masochist. I have a D/s relationship outside of my marriage, so it can't be 24/7 but I have never left behind who I was before I started along this path, it was encorperated. Who decided it? hmm how about me, I made the discovery that I am more fulfilled when I am in a D/s or M/s relationship. I happen to be really, really lucky that my husband is as open minded and understanding as he is. Even in a structured relationship you have to do 'vanilla' things like go to work, pay bills, do laundry, so it never really leave that 'mode' completly.

Wolf's denika

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RE: From vanilla to D/s - 11/21/2007 3:11:29 PM

lateralist1

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I like the word mainstream rather than vanilla because daily life doesn't have to be boring it's what you make of it.
However daily life for me within a D/s BDSM dynamic with the right partner would I think be so much more because of the energy created by the relationship.
However we don't always get what we want or even need in life.

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RE: From vanilla to D/s - 11/21/2007 11:21:59 PM

leatherzack

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Thank you for your replies.
But it looks like i did not express my thoughts correctly, sorry (my English is far from being perfect).

I was more thinking about how you let your partner know that you would be interested in a "session";

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RE: From vanilla to D/s - 11/22/2007 8:19:57 AM

MstrDennynSlave

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Master and I never have to switch from vanilla to M/s. Even though we arent 24/7, we are always ready for a session. No matter the time of day, or week.

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RE: From vanilla to D/s - 11/22/2007 4:39:38 PM

LostMyself

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Well, what about someone with a dominant personality who is into BDSM only as play... it dosn't seem unreasonable for that to turn into a bdsm relationship, does it?

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RE: From vanilla to D/s - 11/22/2007 4:43:00 PM

MsPleasure

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Submissive men love to be bossed around.

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RE: From vanilla to D/s - 11/22/2007 9:12:47 PM

AFlyInYourWeb

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quote:

ORIGINAL: leatherzack

I was more thinking about how you let your partner know that you would be interested in a "session";

When I was married, and my former wife and I had to deal with UMs being around, she established a clear signal for if and when. She would simply hang a pair of panties on the doorknob of our bedroom door. I was supposed to put the panties on and await her arrival.

Of course, as the submissive, I had no such signaling device available to me

Even when their was no BDSM play that night, however, the D/s dynamic was still "in place" in more subtle forms.

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RE: From vanilla to D/s - 11/23/2007 12:16:38 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: leatherzack
I was more thinking about how you let your partner know that you would be interested in a "session";

I'm weird, I say "I'm really interested in playing today."

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