RE: Preferable to express some hesitation or agree to things you'll never accept?

RE: Preferable to express some hesitation or agree to things you'll never accept? (Full Version)

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adoracat -> RE: Preferable to express some hesitation or agree to things you'll never accept? (11/15/2007 5:08:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaveluci My question then is this: Is it preferable to express total acceptance of whatever your dom/master wants EVEN THOUGH you know if certain situations ever arose that you would NOT participate or accept? Or, is it better to be honest about your hesitation and then, IF the situation ever arises, then be willing to discuss it and possibly accept it? Subs/slaves: How do you feel? Do you know in the back of your mind that there are some things you would never accept but you feel you shouldn't express that? Is is preferable to assure your dom that you would never disobey or rebel against anything they want even though you know some things would indeed make you do so? Daddy has loudly proclaimed me as his property. now...he and i both know that life is going to happen. i'm gonna get sick, i'm gonna have accidents, fall down, hurt myself by sneezing in the wrong position and cracking my rib cartilege again (yep, actually has happened!). he isnt able to be with me 24/7....so i am laid with the responsibility of taking care of Daddy's property.... EVEN FROM DADDY. he doesnt always know exactly where my mind lies, or where i am at any given moment. therefore, i have to tell him. i MUST tell him, by formal orders. so yes, i would absolutely tell Daddy (respectfully of course) that i dont know how i feel about something, that it makes me really uncomfortable/unhappy/hurts my feelings/body/mind too much to do....whatever the situation is. at that point, everything stops, the situation is discussed and the idea is rejected/tabled/proceeded on, depending on how the discussion turns out, and how he weighs something might hurt me. Daddy is not always fair, but he is always just. and he cares very much for/about his property, and does not wish to damage it unduly. so yes, he would ALWAYS have me tell him how i feel, no matter how the final decision goes. kitten, ALWAYS secure in her Daddy's love

MaamJay -> RE: Preferable to express some hesitation or agree to things you'll never accept? (11/15/2007 5:12:14 AM)
As a sub i have been honest ... as a Dominant, I expect honesty and encourage it actively. What I don't expect is closemindedness. I would rather someone say "i don't know if i could ever do that, i don't think so because it makes me feel ... and/or i'm scared of .... How important would that be to You?" than to simply say "ugh! no! that's a hard limit!" and then be totally unable/unwilling to discuss why it is. But then, I'm a "never say never" kind of person, and while I DO have some hard limits as both sub and Domme ... I have reasons for why those activities have achieved that "status". I have been on the receiving end of "yes Mistress, i'll do it" while presumably privately thinking "over my dead body!" ... which has brought about at least one dead body ... the relationship! Don't want to go there again! Maam Jay aka violet[A]

sweetNsmartBBW -> RE: Preferable to express some hesitation or agree to things you'll never accept? (11/15/2007 5:25:41 AM)
Much like GentleLee, in the beginning I was apt to say what I thought people wanted to hear. I somehow thought that "good subs" did not have limits, did everything their Dom's wanted, and were always compliant. Yeah, I was niave, and had a lot to learn... Luckily, I learned it. Now, honesty is not only the best policy-- for me, it's the only policy. Like others have said- it's a trust issue- and being less than honest about my hesitations or limits up front is a breach of that trust. So, I lay the cards on the table- make sure there is communication and understanding about why they are there- and then let the chips fall where they may.

Rover -> RE: Preferable to express some hesitation or agree to things you'll never accept? (11/15/2007 5:32:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaveluci Dominants: Do you prefer a sub/slave to be honest EVEN IF this means not spouting total acceptance of anything you can throw at them? Or do you prefer a sub/slave to assure you endlessly that they would never contradict and always do anything you expect EVEN IF that is not the case? I prefer them to tell me truthfully if they have an STD even if it means that I might prefer a submissive/slave without one (it might affect how I decide to engage in sexual intercourse with her). I prefer them to tell me truthfully if their real name is Lorena Bobbit (it might affect whether I decide to sleep on my back). I prefer them to tell me truthfully if they have some hesitation about something I might ask or require. In my relationships, not saying so denies me the opportunity to actually be Master and to handle the situation in the manner that I believe is best, is a form of lying by omission, and could be considered a form of "protecting" me which I don't allow. But other than that, I really dig it. John

slaveluci -> RE: Preferable to express some hesitation or agree to things you'll never accept? (11/15/2007 6:47:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Ysabo In my opinion, honesty is always the best policy. I can honestly say I would LIKE to do anything my Master would ask of me, but must also honestly say I am SURE I can't or would not be comfortable with some things. Just saying "Oh yeah, anything you ask!" seems misleading, and a Master who would ask to be misled, just to feel in total control is setting Himself and his slave up for disappointment and possible disaster. In my opinion... smiles ysabo I couldn't agree more, Ysabo[:)]. And in such a situation where he is basically asking to be mislead as you say, that feeling of control he has is really an illusion. Because, chances are, though she is expressing that she will do anything, when that something comes up that she has been being dishonest about, there's going to come a reckoning and he may find out he isn't in control after all. That's really the essence of what I'm asking. Does a dom want that illusion of absolute and total obedience (even if it's not true) or would he rather have a more realistic picture of what his slave can/will do? Thanks for your answer.............luci

slaveluci -> RE: Preferable to express some hesitation or agree to things you'll never accept? (11/15/2007 6:53:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam To me, BOTH the Master and slave in the first scenario are in love with the idea of Ms relationships and the total surrender of the slave to the Master, but are unable to let go of the fantasy and get to reality..or at least get to something healthy. Granted, it can be hot when the slave says, "ANYthing you want!" But, in reality, how many people are REALLY prepared to do that? In the second scenario, they are both in love with the idea of a healthy, reality based relationship and make it work that way. They are both healthy adults of equal VALUE working on a relationship (that works like any other healthy relationship) with a specific structure and a transfer of authority. If a slave told me the first when we were first starting a relationship, I'd call them a liar. If the slave told me the first after five years, I might believe them...but only because I know that THEY trust me to not harm them...and I work toward that. Master Fire [image]http://www.collarchat.com/upfiles/smiley/flowers.gif[/image].......you said it, Master Fire! That's exactly how I perceive the situation. Thanks for putting it so clearly and concisely (something I'm obviously unable to do on this thread[&o])...............luci

breatheasone -> RE: Preferable to express some hesitation or agree to things you'll never accept? (11/15/2007 6:57:40 AM)
I'm afraid this has happened to me...I thought I could do the whole have Master share me with other guys thing, but I just can't....so I had to make it a limit....Master and I just talked about this last week and He is ok with it....I just feel badly that I put a limit on Him.....I really feel like I had no choice though

slaveluci -> RE: Preferable to express some hesitation or agree to things you'll never accept? (11/15/2007 6:59:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie "Don't tell me something just because you think I want to hear it." That's been a repeated edict in my slavery to him. Tell the truth, not what I wish the truth to actually be Now, ownedgirlie, I know this is going to absolutely shock you but Master says to me as well[:)]. As a matter of fact, it's one of the fundamentals our relationship is based upon. quote: Sometimes he'll ask such questions periodically, to see how my answers have changed. What may have once been, "Yes, if you want that of me" may now be, "Of course! I'd LOVE to!!" Since often times his questions are measuring tools, it would do neither of us any good if I were not completely honest in my answers Same here. It's amazing how those answers truly do change over time. quote: I think the closest I came to a complete balk was when I answered, "Yes, Master, but I will need your help in recovering from that, and I believe I'll need a lot of therapy as a result, too." And it was true - I'd have done it, but it would have screwed me up a bit [:D]GREAT answer! I love your attitude! quote: In any case, I express total acceptance, but that doesn't mean I am not to express any concerns about it, too. I am required to Yup. And, as always, you have given what I consider the perfect answer. I love how you summed it up with this statement. Thanks so much...............luci

slaveluci -> RE: Preferable to express some hesitation or agree to things you'll never accept? (11/15/2007 7:02:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GentleLee I'm not going to lie or to bullshit here. In the beginning (say 7 years ago) I did tell them what they wanted to hear. Partly because I figured that's what made a good sub, and partly because it fit my own fantasy I think this may be why most do it. quote: Now I'm "older ans wiser". I don't lie. I don't bullshit. And I don't say things I know I can't stick to. (To anyone, not just lifestyle related for that matter.) Wonderful. It's great you saw what you were doing and worked to correct it. Congrats!............luci

slaveluci -> RE: Preferable to express some hesitation or agree to things you'll never accept? (11/15/2007 7:05:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bandit25 I don't understand why anyone would say they'd do something if they won't I think it's most often what GentleLee mentioned. Because they think it makes them sound like a "good" sub and it's part and parcel of the proverbial sub/slave fantasy of always doing everything without blinking and doing it with a smile[:)]. quote: If it's a deal breaker, well, then we're not suited anyway Absolutely...............luci

slaveluci -> RE: Preferable to express some hesitation or agree to things you'll never accept? (11/15/2007 7:07:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IrishMist If I was advising someone else; I would have to tell them to go with the honesty approach. Now I know you don't think you're going to give me a sly, intriguing answer like that and then be done with it[;)]. If you were advising someone else, you would say go with total honesty but........what would you do? More, give me more here please[:)].......luci

slaveluci -> RE: Preferable to express some hesitation or agree to things you'll never accept? (11/15/2007 7:12:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MaamJay What I don't expect is closemindedness. I would rather someone say "i don't know if i could ever do that, i don't think so because it makes me feel ... and/or i'm scared of .... How important would that be to You?" than to simply say "ugh! no! that's a hard limit!" and then be totally unable/unwilling to discuss why it is. But then, I'm a "never say never" kind of person, and while I DO have some hard limits as both sub and Domme ... I have reasons for why those activities have achieved that "status" Totally agreed about the closemindedness, MaamJay. Willingness to discuss and try is of utmost importance. quote: I have been on the receiving end of "yes Mistress, i'll do it" while presumably privately thinking "over my dead body!" ... which has brought about at least one dead body ... the relationship! Don't want to go there again!Maam Jay aka violet[A] I love it! Great point and really an answer to the question I posed. By them expressing total willingness while you knew they weren't being honest, that indeed is the kind of mentality/action that does bring about dead relationships. Thanks for your answer[:)]............luci

slaveluci -> RE: Preferable to express some hesitation or agree to things you'll never accept? (11/15/2007 7:14:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rover a form of "protecting" me which I don't allow I like how you put that. Master feels the same way. Apologies for the severe "snip" of your answer because it was all good. Just liked how you put that..................luci

slaveluci -> RE: Preferable to express some hesitation or agree to things you'll never accept? (11/15/2007 7:18:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: breatheasone I'm afraid this has happened to me...I thought I could do the whole have Master share me with other guys thing, but I just can't....so I had to make it a limit....Master and I just talked about this last week and He is ok with it....I just feel badly that I put a limit on Him.....I really feel like I had no choice though As long as he is truly ok with it and it works for the both of you, you shouldn't feel badly. You know your reasons and as long as he does as well and is willing to accept them as is, you have no need to feel badly. Along the lines of my OP, what if you had gleefully said, "Oh yes, Master. I would loooooove to be with other men for your pleasure" when there was a voice screaming inside you "Yeah right. Like that's EVER gonna happen!?!?!" You would be lying to your master if you didn't tell him your true feelings. It may not feel like the fantasy answer to express hesitation about something but if you're in a long-term stable relationship which I do believe you are, honesty has to prevail. Good for you and I hope all is well with you both, Candy. Take care............luci

slaveluci -> RE: Preferable to express some hesitation or agree to things you'll never accept? (11/15/2007 7:21:30 AM)
Whew! So many wonderful answers and so little time to catch up answering them. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to tell me what you think. They've all been interesting reads and I truly appreciate your input. Off to work soon but I'll look back tonight to read further responses. Nearly two whole pages and no negativity as well. Thanks guys[sm=flowers.gif], I appreciate it.............luci

Celeste43 -> RE: Preferable to express some hesitation or agree to things you'll never accept? (11/15/2007 7:33:37 AM)
If you know you can't do something then tell the truth. But there's an option here that hasn't been mentioned. Which is believing you could do something and then finding out you couldn't. And that isn't lying, it's just discovering a new hard limit. It might be that you could handle poly if you were given veto rights over who was moving into your house, meeting your family, getting closet space etc but you couldn't handle it if you hadn't been given the opportunity to have a level of trust built up. If you've never tried something before, you can't predict what your response will be. You can make an educated guess, but that's as far as it goes.

breatheasone -> RE: Preferable to express some hesitation or agree to things you'll never accept? (11/15/2007 7:36:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaveluci quote: ORIGINAL: breatheasone I'm afraid this has happened to me...I thought I could do the whole have Master share me with other guys thing, but I just can't....so I had to make it a limit....Master and I just talked about this last week and He is ok with it....I just feel badly that I put a limit on Him.....I really feel like I had no choice though As long as he is truly ok with it and it works for the both of you, you shouldn't feel badly. You know your reasons and as long as he does as well and is willing to accept them as is, you have no need to feel badly. Along the lines of my OP, what if you had gleefully said, "Oh yes, Master. I would loooooove to be with other men for your pleasure" when there was a voice screaming inside you "Yeah right. Like that's EVER gonna happen!?!?!" You would be lying to your master if you didn't tell him your true feelings. It may not feel like the fantasy answer to express hesitation about something but if you're in a long-term stable relationship which I do believe you are, honesty has to prevail. Good for you and I hope all is well with you both, Candy. Take care............luci Luc...I did tell Him that I think. I think I may have voiced my reservations...but I'm pretty sure I said I would do it. I would still do that if He insisted, although it would harm me emotionally and perhaps mentally. It would also probably end our relationship....In the past I may very well have been a sheep to the slaughter....and kept telling myself..."I can do this." "I can do this."...... done it...and then all hell break loose. So this is actually growth for me...my relationship with my Master means enough to me to stand up and say how I really feel so I can maintain it...and not watch it be destroyed because I stayed silent.

slaveluci -> RE: Preferable to express some hesitation or agree to things you'll never accept? (11/15/2007 7:50:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Celeste43 If you know you can't do something then tell the truth. But there's an option here that hasn't been mentioned. Which is believing you could do something and then finding out you couldn't. And that isn't lying, it's just discovering a new hard limit. It might be that you could handle poly if you were given veto rights over who was moving into your house, meeting your family, getting closet space etc but you couldn't handle it if you hadn't been given the opportunity to have a level of trust built up. If you've never tried something before, you can't predict what your response will be. You can make an educated guess, but that's as far as it goes. Excellent point, Celeste. Very true..........luci

slaveluci -> RE: Preferable to express some hesitation or agree to things you'll never accept? (11/15/2007 7:52:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: breatheasone So this is actually growth for me...my relationship with my Master means enough to me to stand up and say how I really feel so I can maintain it...and not watch it be destroyed because I stayed silent. Wonderful! Keep growing and keep speaking up. Two great ways to ensure your happiness will last[:)]..............luci

pseudopsychotic -> RE: Preferable to express some hesitation or agree to things you'll never accept? (11/15/2007 8:01:20 AM)
quote: Subs/slaves: How do you feel? Do you know in the back of your mind that there are some things you would never accept but you feel you shouldn't express that? Is is preferable to assure your dom that you would never disobey or rebel against anything they want even though you know some things would indeed make you do so? If I know that I can't accept certain things...I tell..Because otherwise I'm giving him concent via omission. So if I was pushed too far, that's MY bad..Not his. Now of course there's things out there that I've never thought of, and he's brough them to my attention asking how I'd feel ect, sometimes I dont know how I'll react, but I'm more then willing to try..

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