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For those of you who watch late night TV... - 11/5/2007 4:58:22 PM

Griswold

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Okay...I don't stay up all night watching TV...in fact I go to bed incredibly early, I don't sleep all that well...and I like all that white noise.

I'm on the West coast, I have clients on the East coast (ergo, I get up early), and besides...I'm an old fucker...heading rapidly towards 50 (I'm not there YET gawwwwdammit)...so anyway....

At about 3 in the morning, or 2, sometimes 12:30, occasionally at 4:15...there's this hour long commercial.

Colon Cleansing.

Now I have to tell you, it's not something I thought a lot about 10 years ago...and it's not something I spend a great deal of time thinking about currently, however....there's this one spot in the ad (which I'm fairly sure I've heard now, in my half awake, half asleep state at least 3,000 times) where this guy, who has a pencil mustache, discusses how "John Wayne, when he died had 30 lbs of (stuff) in his colon".

(Clearly referencing how much stuff you or I have in ours...of course, everyone knows John Wayne was really tall).

Hence why we (you and I) need to get our colon cleansed.

Then they go on to explain how their colon cleansing product (all natural) "isn't like these chocolate bars you can buy which are basically laxitives".

And that's good...because I didn't really want to be pooping during a business call "Excuse me...I'll be back in just a minute....one second...really, it'll just be a minute...be right back...."

Okay...so, I'm not a big fan of handing out my credit card to people I don't know (and probably would never want to) over the phone...so, I resigned myself to listening to this ad again and again in my sleep for the next 11 years.

And then, I was at the store this weekend and saw that little cheesy little fucker on the package....pencil mustache and all.

So I bought it.

(Who doesn't want a clean colon?).

Two bottles....one cleans your colon, the other does something else entirely...I didn't look. I think it polishes it.

One empties it out, the other makes it shiny so people going down the street look at you and go...."Holy fucking SHIT!!!! I bet that guy's got a shiny colon" (which, I'd like to point out....I now do).

So I read the instructions.

"Take one of each pill at night before bed, and one of each as you wake up" (There was actually more but....I typed it out, deleted it, and frankly...I don't want to hear it again...I suspect you don't either)....after a week, feel free to up the recommended doseage to 2 of each at the proscribed times, and then after 3 weeks....3 of each".

Well, being a child of the 60's, having taken 1 of each the night previous, seeing that 1 (of each) did a fine job (of what it was supposed to do...and I do feel significantly lighter in my step), I thought "well...why wait for a week...let's get this job done" and I proceeded to take 2 this morning.

Allow me to say at this juncture that....I have recently discovered there is a significant lack of reading material at my office, further, I accomplished much less at my desk today than I anticipated as I drove in.

In fact, I'll add...my driving speed this morning was quite a bit faster than I can recall in recent months.

< Message edited by Griswold -- 11/5/2007 5:01:26 PM >

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RE: For those of you who watch late night TV... - 11/5/2007 5:32:34 PM

popeye1250

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It's Crap!
I've seen that commercial too so I decided to check all that stuff out on www.webmd.com.
The colon does a remarkable job of cleansing itself!
Want to clean yourself out, eat an apple or a bowl of oatmeal.
And always keep yourself well hydrated!
Dehydration is the cause of most constipation.
You don't need the $49.95 worth of herbs and supplements that that guy is trying to sell you!
It's a sales job, no more no less.
Check it out on webmd.

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RE: For those of you who watch late night TV... - 11/5/2007 5:34:27 PM

SeeksOnlyOne

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lol-a friend got something like that-she said its mighty hard to drive fast while sweat is runnin down ya brow into ya eyes......

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RE: For those of you who watch late night TV... - 11/5/2007 6:33:24 PM

Griswold

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SeeksOnlyOne

lol-a friend got something like that-she said its mighty hard to drive fast while sweat is runnin down ya brow into ya eyes......

Well, I don't recall sweat running down my face, but I do recall a rather odd look from everyone I sped past at 65 MPH screaming out my window at the top of my lungs "GET THE FUCK out of the way....my wife is pregnant and we're having a baby!!!!!!".

Only to have them look suspiciously at me when they recognized I was the only one in the car.

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RE: For those of you who watch late night TV... - 11/5/2007 9:51:41 PM

Termyn8or

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Oh, you're the guy who wizzed past me at 90MPH the other day.

But seriously, you do not want your colon cleaned. As the food you ate moves slowly down your colon, your body is extracting minerals. The slower the better. I am not saying to be anal retentive, but the flow should be at a regular, reasonable speed.

John Wayne dies and has thirty pounds of shit in his colon, well what did you expect ? A Walkman and batteries ? That is where shit belongs. In fact it is not shit until you shit it out, until then it is technically food. Think about it.

Don't use that stuff, no matter what it says. Anything that removes food from your digestive tract is bad. It sounds good, but if you really think about how the system works, you will realize that.

And really it ain't nothin but a laxative. If you are not constipated, stay away from it.

T

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RE: For those of you who watch late night TV... - 11/5/2007 10:07:39 PM

TheHeretic

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Y'know, Gris, I have a recipe for bean dip that will accomplish just about the same thing, AND it's spicy enough you get a good endorphin high while you're eating it.

You could also eat the teriyaki chicken at a county fair. That does it very nicely too.

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RE: For those of you who watch late night TV... - 11/6/2007 5:05:56 PM

Griswold

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TheHeretic

Y'know, Gris, I have a recipe for bean dip that will accomplish just about the same thing, AND it's spicy enough you get a good endorphin high while you're eating it.

You could also eat the teriyaki chicken at a county fair. That does it very nicely too.

Hmmmm....well, as we speak, I've gone from 220 in the last 3 days, to just under 47 pounds. My toilet has never worked so hard in its poor little life (I'm considering giving it a raise actually) and I just went to Nordstroms to buy all new clothes and glory be....I've discovered that for the same $275.00 I used to spend on slacks, a shirt, tie and a cravat....I can accomplish everything I used to now with just a size "9 - 11" mens sock and frankly I'm as warm as ever.

Unfortunately, I've discovered, very few women find a man dressed solely in a sock all that attractive (and I've been pulled over by the cops exactly 6 times since noon today).

(I see ice cream in my future).

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RE: For those of you who watch late night TV... - 11/6/2007 5:10:03 PM

SeeksOnlyOne

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i am trying to not type 220 to under 47 pounds in 3 days-man how full of shit were you......

oops i think i failed

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RE: For those of you who watch late night TV... - 11/6/2007 6:42:04 PM

Griswold

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Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

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RE: For those of you who watch late night TV... - 11/6/2007 6:52:59 PM

batshalom

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Griswold

Two bottles....one cleans your colon, the other does something else entirely...I didn't look. I think it polishes it.

One empties it out, the other makes it shiny so people going down the street look at you and go...."Holy fucking SHIT!!!! I bet that guy's got a shiny colon" (which, I'd like to point out....I now do).

I just woke up the dogs, the kids, the cats, and the neighbors laughing at this, and as a nifty bonus I just did a little snot too.

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RE: For those of you who watch late night TV... - 11/7/2007 7:36:54 AM

seeksfemslave

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In the UK we have had a series of TV programmes where people actually go to a camp to get cleansed.
Its amazing what comes out after a while and Yes the viewer did see.

I also saw a program where a horse was out of sorts, he was opened up and massive amounts of congealed material was removed.
When he got better the horse jumped over the fence and has never been seen since.

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RE: For those of you who watch late night TV... - 11/7/2007 4:35:49 PM

Griswold

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quote:

ORIGINAL: seeksfemslave

In the UK we have had a series of TV programmes where people actually go to a camp to get cleansed.
Its amazing what comes out after a while and Yes the viewer did see.

I also saw a program where a horse was out of sorts, he was opened up and massive amounts of congealed material was removed.
When he got better the horse jumped over the fence and has never been seen since.

Okay...I'm pretty sure I don't want to hear the rest of this.

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RE: For those of you who watch late night TV... - 11/7/2007 6:22:37 PM

Crush