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How to tell someone your into BDSM. - 10/30/2007 12:01:53 PM

OnyxDelphi

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For example, if you were to move into an apartment with your best friend. How would you go about telling them about what kind of lifestyle you live?

With a home of your own, you're most definately going to want to have a sub or a slave around from time to time (if not a lot), but what exactly do you say without freaking them out?

And well, I guess the same question could be applied to telling an attractive stranger your interested in as well.

So...yeah...how do you tell someone your close to (and/or might be living with), and how do you tell a stranger (whom you might be interested in)?

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RE: How to tell someone your into BDSM. - 10/30/2007 12:07:50 PM

RumpusParable

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I've never understood why people feel there's a trick to it or that it's hard... I just mention it in when it comes up in conversation, like anything else. "Yeah, I was just on the phone with my sub Jane and she said ...." or "Check out the new cane I just bought..."

So far not a single vanilla has freaked yet. I find with most things, if you treat it like it's not a big deal then it's not viewed as one... and just the opposite. At most, they think you're a little odd/eccentric but a generally nice person.

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RE: How to tell someone your into BDSM. - 10/30/2007 12:13:42 PM

mnottertail

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Due to 'special circumstances' in the African-American community, you might also need afroerotik.com and some other sites to rattle off, and you might have a copy of 'Before the Mayflower' and have handy the passages that talk about blacks owning people (both black and white) in time. (just in case they go off).

I think you know what I mean by 'special circumstances', OD... and no; folks---I ain't referencing slavery.

But barring that, I agree with Rump.

Ron

< Message edited by mnottertail -- 10/30/2007 12:14:39 PM >

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RE: How to tell someone your into BDSM. - 10/30/2007 12:15:01 PM

batshalom

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I agree with RP, although I add the caveat that there's no need to divulge unless necessary.

If it is necessary, like in the case of someone you're interested in, treating it like a dirty secret turns it into a dirty secret. Treat it like it's normal, which it is (at least for you), then it's normal.

If it's someone you're interested in, when it gets far enough along, explain you're a Dominant (don't use the word "sadist" immediately - might scare someone) and you prefer submissive women. You're probably going to be attracted to someone who displays at least a bit of submissive personality anyway, so it probably won't be much of a stretch.

If it gets so far as sex play, do a little spanking, introduce bondage, then cropping, all slowly. over the course of a good period of time (not all in one session, I mean). If it scares her off ... well ... no problem because it's not a matter of settling for what you can get, it's a matter of finding someone who's the right fit.

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RE: How to tell someone your into BDSM. - 10/30/2007 12:18:33 PM

toservez

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RumpusParable

I've never understood why people feel there's a trick to it or that it's hard... I just mention it in when it comes up in conversation, like anything else. "Yeah, I was just on the phone with my sub Jane and she said ...." or "Check out the new cane I just bought..."

So far not a single vanilla has freaked yet. I find with most things, if you treat it like it's not a big deal then it's not viewed as one... and just the opposite. At most, they think you're a little odd/eccentric but a generally nice person.

I agree with this. Most of the time you know if a person is going to have big issues with it or not and for those who we do not think will have big issues will often just mirror what vibe we are putting out. Even when knowing this about you the actual topic has very little reason to ever really come up that much unless you are forcing the issue.

My experience is if needing to disclose this to someone is to be nonchalant about it. Still be quite private about it to give the vibe of my life I am very happy with so do not bother to judge, bug or make a big issue about it. To answer any questions in a short and matter of fact tone and not some way that might come off as preaching to convert my way is just so awesome.

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RE: How to tell someone your into BDSM. - 10/30/2007 12:29:13 PM

sambamanslilgirl

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quote:

And well, I guess the same question could be applied to telling an attractive stranger your interested in as well.

does the same question apply to someone who's not so attractive - merely curious

to answer all of your burning questions, personally i don't unless someone asks. it happened to me about 2 weeks while on air (i work for a net radio station) when the host of the show i was co-hosting with asked about my metal collar. since most of the staff at the station knows about my "alternative" lifestyle, i really don't have to face question/answering time.

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RE: How to tell someone your into BDSM. - 10/30/2007 12:39:28 PM

stella41b

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I don't have this problem. It comes with the whole package. If someone accepts me for who I am it can pretty much be worked out. I don't 'divulge' or 'advertise' the fact, and talking about it is just as natural as me talking about the weather or anything else.

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RE: How to tell someone your into BDSM. - 10/30/2007 12:43:48 PM

therealboss

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just spit it out

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RE: How to tell someone your into BDSM. - 10/30/2007 1:50:41 PM

TheChauvinist

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If they're your best friend, how can they not already know this about you?

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RE: How to tell someone your into BDSM. - 10/30/2007 2:01:25 PM

colouredin

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Not everyone tells everything, I have always thought the less you make a deal about something the less anyone else will. Its helped me in various situations and this is no differant. I openly talk about it, if they have questions i answer but mostly it just slips into conversation. I couldnt hide such a huge part of my personality from anyone, would be too draining.

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RE: How to tell someone your into BDSM. - 10/30/2007 2:07:41 PM

grlneedstolearn

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Ooo good question, i would like to know this also

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RE: How to tell someone your into BDSM. - 10/30/2007 2:22:44 PM

Prinsexx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OnyxDelphi

For example, if you were to move into an apartment with your best friend. How would you go about telling them about what kind of lifestyle you live?

My best friend already knows....and I wouldn't move into an apartment with him as he is a gay male and cramps my style....dominant Queen that he is.

I think those around me probably guess as they tend to lose track of the names...i serve more than one Dom (shhh don't tell them) and usually have a sub or three to take care of my switchy bitchiness.....and instead of hiding my canes and crops (in case the educational social worker thinks I beat my children) I have them decoratively around the house.......

most friends have less exciting sex lives and they will ask me why I look flushed, or chilled or have a big smile on my face......and with clients there is a certain point when some transaction of experience is viable......

edited to change sex knives to sex lives.....

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 10/30/2007 2:24:50 PM >

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RE: How to tell someone your into BDSM. - 10/30/2007 2:33:00 PM

dc0785

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I believe the OP is younger. This is only a random running of ideas and in now way intended to offend anyone. But, because OP is young simply means that this may be the first time OP has ever encountered such a situation. The reference to their own place and a new room mate leads me to believe that. This really could be a big issues. It will help define how the same situation is handled later.
In my opinion, if they are your friend then they already know....friends talk to each other. If it is a new person in your life and simply a tenant...interview them and ask about their lifestyle before you divulge anything. If you are moving into someone else's place, you need to check and discuss prior to any arrangement. You see...don't settle in life...get the right place for you...get the right partner for you...do not settle. It is cool to be on your own for the first time but make it last, bring only into your life what you want and get rid of that which you do not want. That may be the key to happiness. Ha. Enough of this alcohol induced rant. I say...GOODDAY!

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RE: How to tell someone your into BDSM. - 10/30/2007 2:57:29 PM

bipolarber

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Generally, I don't tell anyone about my being into BDSM unless they ask... if they hang around me long enough, they'll pick up enough clues that they'll broach the subject themselves. (If they are curious, that is.) Otherwise, we just keep going, and respect each other's privacy, and right to "not wanna know."

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RE: How to tell someone your into BDSM. - 10/30/2007 3:06:33 PM

Invictus754

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OnyxDelphi
For example, if you were to move into an apartment with your best friend. How would you go about telling them about what kind of lifestyle you live?

The same way you would tell them your choice in laxative, hemorrhoid cream and masturbation lubricant. If you are comfortable enough with them as a person to discuss your personal choices, you will find a way. If you WOULDN'T discuss these items with the person in question, I would leave the BDSM stuff out, too.

< Message edited by Invictus754 -- 10/30/2007 3:07:30 PM >

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RE: How to tell someone your into BDSM. - 10/30/2007 3:32:55 PM

slaverosebeauty

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When I was dating vanilla guys, I would hold off any 'talk 'that was beyond vanilla date stuff; I did have on my profile that I was 'open-minded' and 'not your typical single mom' so I got a decent number of responses and questions. I was always polite and said that that information would come as I got to know someone; it was accepted and I had several dates in a few month span.

The 2 guys I really got to know, I was very cautious about how I brought it up, one of the guys liked Anne Rice so it was easy to bring up the 'Beauty Trilogy' and gage his reaction from there {he said he hadn't read them and from what he heard they were 'out there' and nothing he would ever consider}, that never went much further; the other guy was a cop an I had made ther quip one night after he had made several arrests and called me on a break that, "cuffs aren't that bad, as long as you don't rub your wrists after they are removed;" I could almost see him grinning from ear to ear and at the same time, astonished. The more we talked the more I thought he could handle, until I send him the link to my page on here and on another site; he was astounded at what I was into and what I had done. I won't go into details, but, he got some extra 'practice' after he was off work a few times perfecting a few 'techniques.

For me, I judge the person and the situation, some people are more open-minded than others and some are curious and just don't know how to go about getting involved. It's all about your comfort level with someone; I don't think I could sleep with someone if they didn't know about this side of me; even vanilla sex takes a kinky turn for me.

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RE: How to tell someone your into BDSM. - 10/30/2007 3:51:33 PM

CdnExplorer

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For the same reason some gay people stay in the closest a long time.

I've been very open about myself with people I've met in the scene, but haven't told my best friends because...well, intimate details aren't part of our relationships. Some people are very private by nature, and can be even more so when they have something like this to "hide". When it comes to a different kind of relationship, like a girlfriend...well yeah, at some point she's going to find out I like to be tied up. The best advice I've ever gotten was to try and slyly introduce the topic, by pointing out something kinky. Get them talking first to gauge their reaction, and go from there. If they seem closed-minded about it, don't spill your guts to them.

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RE: How to tell someone your into BDSM. - 10/30/2007 4:49:58 PM

DrkJourney

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For me, on my pinky I wear a "mistress" ring over a slave ring (like the one in the story of O).....I get a few questions here and there, but mostly people don't judge they are just facinated....even got a few interested or at least thinking about it.

It's a conversation starter, definitely opens up dialog. Something like that might be a nice way to "ease" into it instead of just hitting them right between the eyes..lol I agree with the majority here, if you don't act like it's a deep dark secret and just something natural...as it is for me any way....they usually ask a few questions and change the subject back to them....lol

My only suggestion is that if this is a roommate type situation that you let them know in some form or fashion before the first box is moved. :>

good luck!

< Message edited by DrkJourney -- 10/30/2007 4:58:14 PM >

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RE: How to tell someone your into BDSM. - 10/30/2007 4:56:19 PM

bootw0rshipJT

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mmmmm Good question - when i've told them i'll let you kow the answer......!

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RE: How to tell someone your into BDSM. - 10/30/2007 6:13:26 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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http://www.collarchat.com/m_966469/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#966514
How do you explain bdsm to vanillas around you?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_673932/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#673940
questions about coming out

http://www.collarchat.com/m_603184/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#603237
Coming Out

http://www.collarchat.com/m_594649/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#594704
Telling Family

http://www.collarchat.com/m_552712/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#552726
real world acceptance

http://www.collarchat.com/m_500172/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#500695
So I came out...

http://www.collarchat.com/m_191844/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#192641
family

http://www.collarchat.com/m_87719/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#87743
Talking to vanilla people

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