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reptilianGirl -> Growing up a submissive. (10/27/2007 10:18:33 AM)
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I can remember my first time seeing something kinky. I was in my early teens (13 or 14) and found a bondage style Hustler magazine in my parent's bathroom. Reading, and looking at those photos made me realize that all of the ideas I've had, all of the things I've done are natural, and I am not alone. Ponyplay is a very deeply rooted fetish for me, and although my experience in it still lacks today, there is no higher kink. When I was in 3rd -5th grade, I always pretended to be a pony. Going on all fours to racing around on the playground making horse noises, I let my imagination go. I loved horses, their grace and beauty, and wanted to be one. My ideas of this has slowly molded over time, to something far more sinister. In middle school I would tie myself up at night using scarves or the belt to my robe. I would tie my hands behind my back in the dark of my bedroom, with the covers pulled over me, and then struggle against the bonds. I started fantasizing about boys, wanting to be the center of a group of them, and have them play roughly with me. I didn't know what masturbation was, or even how to put my finger in side of myself, but I understood what sex was from seeing magazines around the house. I also discovered late night Cinemax. Soft corn porn was the highlight of my week, Fridays were usually the best. I still remember seeing one movie that introduced themes of incest to me. While I have never practiced incest the idea of it is secretly exciting. I also found my mother's stash of SM style erotica. I read the story of O, the Sleeping Beauty series, and a few penthouse books before I was even in high school. I could never try these ideas out though; I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 16, and lost my virginity at 17. The first boy that I was with, I broached the subject of kinky things... I wanted him to pour milk in a bowl and make me lap it up, naked and on my hands and knees. I am sure he didn't really understand why I wanted it, but he'd amuse me anyways. At the very end of high school I started becoming more promiscuous. I had lots of one night stands. I was raped. Nothing did it for me. Nothing made me feel the way that BDSM makes me feel, and further more, I thought I was unable of having an orgasm. My ex fiancé (and 2nd boyfriend, although I count him as the first because it was a serious relationship) finally was able to help me coax an orgasm out, but only in a certain position with me in control. He did not understand BDSM either. The next one tried to read up on it, but it rarely came into play in our lives. I spend some time living alone, doing things that make me ashamed. I now live with a man 12 years my senior, and while he was not a Dom when we met, and still has a hard time doing things to me, and confesses that it does not turn him on, I wonder if that is true. He is naturally sadistic and rough in vanilla sex. But I am not a good teacher, and I tend to just complicate things when I try to explain. I wish I knew how to show him the ropes without hurting his pride. I have had a small handful of Masters, sprinkled in the times of being single. Most lasted a month at most. My dilemma is that those of the lifestyle have nothing else to offer me in a relationship, and those that are compatible and share my same interests do not understand BDSM. I have practiced BDSM with the willing partner for about 6 years now. I've read a lot, as well. Besides Ponyplay, the Gorean lifestyle, shibari, and golden showers are some of my interests. Some I've done, some I have yet to try. I have been told that my tolerance for pain is in the medium to high range, but I believe that depends on the partner and my own emotions as well. Sometimes I don't flinch, sometimes I cry.
I always find myself looking at BDSM singles, whether I, myself am single or not. It rarely is an attempt to find someone, but mostly to just be able to interact with like minded people. Over time, my view of my role in BDSM has altered some, probably because of the lack of dominance in the men I have dated. I find myself wanting to take control sometimes, and I am a naturally possessive and controlling person. I like to have things perfect. I suppose if I could have the luck to find a like minded woman on here, who wanted to learn, or who already knew and didn't mind couples, I would be happy. But I understand that there are a million other people wanting the same thing.
So that is who I am.
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