seeking guidance and/or advice

seeking guidance and/or advice (Full Version)

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MsubseeksDomme -> seeking guidance and/or advice (10/17/2007 11:54:49 PM)
Hello Mistresses, As my profile states, i am new to this lifestyle. i have been on this for a couple months now and feel like i am no further then the day i joined. How do i go about engaging with a Mistress to see if there is a possibility of further contact?

MsSophie -> RE: seeking guidance and/or advice (10/18/2007 2:45:44 AM)
Well, posting in the fora is a good way to get people's attention, but you also need a good profile. Yours could benefit from some work. Not that you don't seem sincere, but you give very little information of "who" you are in it and you seem to concentrate more on exploring your fantasies rather than working out the route together with whomever you meet. If you're looking for a three dimensional relationship you need to show yourself as a three dimensional person - otherwise you may find yourself dismissed as someone seeking a life support for your fantasies. When I look for a partner, or a play mate, I want to know that this is a person I will enjoy spending time with outside of a scene as well. Good luck! Sophie

FullfigRIMaam -> RE: seeking guidance and/or advice (10/18/2007 3:06:58 AM)
Your profile sounds lovely for someone who thinks you're hot and wants to do you, but from a dominant lady's perspective, I'm not seeing what's in there for her, unless she really is into you on looks alone. Good luck, and yes being on the forums will also be helpful. M

MaamJay -> RE: seeking guidance and/or advice (10/18/2007 4:39:04 AM)
I echo the above comments, what's in it for the Domme? What special skills do you have? What, outside of bdsm play activities, are you willing to do for Her? I think you need to do some reading about submission to explore your ideas much more. Maam Jay aka violet[A]

Oumae -> RE: seeking guidance and/or advice (10/18/2007 6:14:03 AM)
What the others said.... and I'd also suggest you go to real life events and charm the Dommes in person. Oumae

AAkasha -> RE: seeking guidance and/or advice (10/18/2007 8:42:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MaamJay I echo the above comments, what's in it for the Domme? What special skills do you have? What, outside of bdsm play activities, are you willing to do for Her? I think you need to do some reading about submission to explore your ideas much more. Maam Jay aka violet[A] What about submissives that really have no interest in providing service, or that don't want to be seen as a service submissive ONLY -- how do they best promote themselves? What if a submissive feels like he would be pulled into a barter situation if he thinks about what he's "willing" to do in order to have a chance at sensual power exchange? I guess it has me wondering what could a "bottom" (essentially) do to best promote themselves without coming across as a "do me" sub? Akasha

Skittishkat -> RE: seeking guidance and/or advice (10/18/2007 8:48:22 AM)
Don't know the answer for everyone but I only submit to my dom. Kat

LadyHibiscus -> RE: seeking guidance and/or advice (10/18/2007 9:05:15 AM)
I think that a bottom player can come across as desirable to a top by displaying other characteristics like charm, intelligence, creativity---being a good companion, not just a meat package to stomp. We speak of "service", but that word really does differ for everyone. I don't need anyone to clean or run errands, what I need and want is ATTENTION and physical presence at events. Offer to make friends, and take an interest in the dominant as a person, it can work wonders.

TNstepsout -> RE: seeking guidance and/or advice (10/18/2007 9:32:36 AM)
I agree with other posters. Regardless of what you are really looking for (a sometimes play partner, or TPE partner) any potential woman reading your profile needs to know more about you. What your character and personality are like, what your interests are and what motivates you (other than your fantasies you want to explore). Basically you are looking for a woman to dominate you in a way that fulfills YOUR fantasies. What about hers? So you need to think about two things 1-what level of committment are you prepared for and 2-what can you contribute, other than your hot bod.

laurell3 -> RE: seeking guidance and/or advice (10/18/2007 9:36:37 AM)
Keep in mind the numbers do not favor submissive males and that's a huge understatement. Be patient. Learn as much as you can online and by talking to others, but take it all with a grain of salt and try to ascertain what works for you, then put that in your profile, because it's a bit bare right now. A few months is not a long time. Be patient. Hang in there and good luck. l

MsubseeksDomme -> RE: seeking guidance and/or advice (10/18/2007 11:49:28 AM)
Thank you to All that have written here to me. i have updated my profile to further reflect what i can offer. If anyone has any further suggestions, i would certainly welcome them. Thanks again to All.

thetammyjo -> RE: seeking guidance and/or advice (10/18/2007 12:04:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha quote: ORIGINAL: MaamJay I echo the above comments, what's in it for the Domme? What special skills do you have? What, outside of bdsm play activities, are you willing to do for Her? I think you need to do some reading about submission to explore your ideas much more. Maam Jay aka violet[A] What about submissives that really have no interest in providing service, or that don't want to be seen as a service submissive ONLY -- how do they best promote themselves? What if a submissive feels like he would be pulled into a barter situation if he thinks about what he's "willing" to do in order to have a chance at sensual power exchange? I guess it has me wondering what could a "bottom" (essentially) do to best promote themselves without coming across as a "do me" sub? Akasha I think that folks who are bottoms and not interested in service but only fun play need to be honest about that. I'd say go to kink events, meet folks there so you know you have some mutual interests and then basically do some vanilla dating with the spice of bondage or SM. I might do SM or bondage with a buddy I know through the scene community but I certainly would not make such dates over the internet.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: seeking guidance and/or advice (10/18/2007 12:12:58 PM)
I think that these days bottom players tend to get sneered at as merely "players" and somehow not sincere because they don't want some kind of TPE situation. Frankly, I MISS bottom players! I wish that folks in the scene who just want to play for the fun of it, for the endorphin rush, for whatever reason, would be up front about it, and not feel pressured into asking for something they don't want to give. I don't want to venture into the dreaded Semantic Zone, but yes, it's okay to not be a submissive!

SunNMoon -> RE: seeking guidance and/or advice (10/18/2007 12:18:07 PM)
I have a question since I’m not sure where you are falling on this, are you more interested in being a bottom or a sub? Both are fine but right now I’m getting a mixed message with your profile. I think my problem is from “exploring several fantasy scenarios…” which feels like you’re looking for more role play. Also the word, “scenarios” which you use in the third paragraph just seems as through you are looking for a part time play. (Nothing wrong with that at all. Just want to make sure you are giving the correct impression.) I do like what you have added through. You might want to add a little bit about what you enjoy doing for fun. :) Kat

thetammyjo -> RE: seeking guidance and/or advice (10/18/2007 12:20:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus I think that these days bottom players tend to get sneered at as merely "players" and somehow not sincere because they don't want some kind of TPE situation. Frankly, I MISS bottom players! I wish that folks in the scene who just want to play for the fun of it, for the endorphin rush, for whatever reason, would be up front about it, and not feel pressured into asking for something they don't want to give. I don't want to venture into the dreaded Semantic Zone, but yes, it's okay to not be a submissive! I completely agree with this. Be honest about what you want -- that is the only way to even have a shot at it. But the venue you pursue your desires in does matter. If you are into bondage, if that's your main thing, join bondage club no the masters and slave group. If you are hot on SM start going to dungeons or volunteer at BDSM organizations when they need a bottom to beat for a demonstration so you get seen and known as a cool reactive bottom. Can someone even just choose "bottom" or "top" on collarme or is it just sub or dom? If it's only sub or dom this might not be the best venue then because immediately you are being forced to declare an identity that isn't really true.

Decimus -> RE: seeking guidance and/or advice (10/18/2007 3:14:22 PM)
I know this is the Mistress board and hopefully I will not be shunned for posting this but in all honesty, just be yourself. Write the best representation you can of yourself(Not just what you are looking for sexually, just think about it a moment and describe yourself fully with words) and if possible go to events near you and just be yourself and cordial to all, you will eventually find someone who likes you for you and as long as you are searching in the right spots it will be the type of relationship you will flurish in. Edit: mutters and now I should go take my own advice, look for an update soon in my profile!

MsubseeksDomme -> RE: seeking guidance and/or advice (10/18/2007 3:14:25 PM)
I think the reason that I may be giving mixed messages in my profile is because this is all very new to me. So i am trying to convey all the thoughts and ideas that i have had to this point. To be completel;y honest, i am not sure of the difference between bottom, sub, slave etc. This is where am looking for guidance at this point i think. i probably have not been havcing much success here since i don't know what role i fall into, and it will take time to discover that. perhaps there is another site that is more suited for someone like myself who is in discovery phase. It seems most here are fairly experienced or knowledgeable of their desires, roles, place etc.

RumpusParable -> RE: seeking guidance and/or advice (10/18/2007 3:54:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: thetammyjo quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus I think that these days bottom players tend to get sneered at as merely "players" and somehow not sincere because they don't want some kind of TPE situation. Frankly, I MISS bottom players! I wish that folks in the scene who just want to play for the fun of it, for the endorphin rush, for whatever reason, would be up front about it, and not feel pressured into asking for something they don't want to give. I don't want to venture into the dreaded Semantic Zone, but yes, it's okay to not be a submissive! I completely agree with this. Be honest about what you want -- that is the only way to even have a shot at it. But the venue you pursue your desires in does matter. If you are into bondage, if that's your main thing, join bondage club no the masters and slave group. If you are hot on SM start going to dungeons or volunteer at BDSM organizations when they need a bottom to beat for a demonstration so you get seen and known as a cool reactive bottom. Can someone even just choose "bottom" or "top" on collarme or is it just sub or dom? If it's only sub or dom this might not be the best venue then because immediately you are being forced to declare an identity that isn't really true. While agreeing some with that which both of you are saying, I think it's good to also acknowledge that there certainly is a difference between someone comign across as looking only to bottom and someone being "do me" or a "player" of some sort. Personally, I've zero problem with someone only a bottom and actively seeking topping. To have such would be plainly hypocritical as that's often my own role haha, I'm much someone who is often looking just to bottom! At time I just want a few physical itches scratched by someone willing. :) But, those that fall more into the "do me" territory do grate and especially those that put themselves across as some form of submissive but are in reality purely bottoms. This puts me off with an absolute quickness. The lack of naming options here on CM can be a leader to confusion, I agree, but is not one hard to get around. Personally, when purely seeking a top I set my profile to "sub" or "switch" so that the search function will find those looking for someone looking for something or than to dominate another and then place in my written section a clear statement that I am actually a bottom and am seeking someone interested in sharing _________________ play. It's not as though it's difficult to express clearly whether one is offering/searching a PE here -or if that is all they are looking for, without play, as that's another angle that the written section allows us to clarify. Nothing wrong with being a bottom, just be clear in that's what you are. When the mood strikes I love some non-PE scening with the right person(s), but don't mis-sell yourself to me.

TNstepsout -> RE: seeking guidance and/or advice (10/18/2007 5:06:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MsubseeksDomme I think the reason that I may be giving mixed messages in my profile is because this is all very new to me. So i am trying to convey all the thoughts and ideas that i have had to this point. To be completel;y honest, i am not sure of the difference between bottom, sub, slave etc. This is where am looking for guidance at this point i think. i probably have not been havcing much success here since i don't know what role i fall into, and it will take time to discover that. perhaps there is another site that is more suited for someone like myself who is in discovery phase. It seems most here are fairly experienced or knowledgeable of their desires, roles, place etc. Everyone has somewhat different ideas on these terms, but the basic differences are these: 1. A bottom is someone who likes to take on a sub or bottom role for the purposes of a specific scene. Usually these scenes are negotiated on a case by case basis. As in; yes, you can tie me up, no, not my hands, no no gag, yes, you can use a cane, crop, paddle, but no whip etc.... Sometimes within a scene a bottom will be submissive and other times he/she will just be a body being beaten. Either way, the bottom has full control to set a scene he/she is comfortable with and to seek partners and experiences with no strings attached and to seek that which fulfills him/her. 2. A sub is someone who agrees to submit or obey another person usually within mutually agreed on parameters. This is where things start to get a little muddy, as a sub can mean a lot of different things to different people. To some, a sub is someone who is only submissive when they get together for play and/or sex. For others it extends beyond the times they are together and the Dom/me will make rules about his/her daily life, clothing, friends etc... Within the Dom/sub relationship there is generally far less negotiation on a scene by scene basis. There is an understanding that trust exists and the sub feels safe that the Dom/me will not push too far or break limits. As a sub ones focus is to please the Dom/me, it is not on seeking ones own pleasure. 3. slave-now here is where you will get the most arguments, but my take on a slave is that they begin the D/s relationship with few to no limits and are considered property. This means a slave must choose wisely before agreeing to serve. I hope that helps. My advise is to stick around and read the boards. You will learn a lot. Also look into your local scene.

SweetDommes -> RE: seeking guidance and/or advice (10/18/2007 5:33:53 PM)
If you weren't Canadian, and we weren't so attached to the guy we are currently talking to, I'd message you ... I think your profile is fine, not to mention you're cute lol Be yourself, be honest about your lack of experience, and (as others have said) find a local group to go to.

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