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WinsomeDefiance -> RE: Overcoming being a submissive person. HELP! (10/12/2007 5:48:59 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Ldhoney
Is it unheard of for a submissive person to enter into BDSM (D/s) to learn how to ((NOT)) EMBRACE that submissive state of who they are but to OVERCOME that they are submissive?
I ask this because that is why i entered this. I recognize i am a person who loves to please, and make others happy by full filling what they need or request. But I went into this to learn how to not be submissive in all areas of my life. Let others walk over me, i am too shy, i dont speak up enough, i am insecure... I want to please, but not be a submissive person.
So..again i ask... Is it unheard of for a submissive person to enter into BDSM (D/s) to learn how to not EMBRACE that submissive state of who they are but to OVERCOME that they are submissive?
Laura (day 2)
I can speak to you, from the perspective of someone who is a people pleaser. But first, I'd like to say that there is very little that is 'unheard of,' in BDSM circles, so take faith that you are not alone.
There is nothing wrong with making others happy, and being a people pleaser UNLESS you neglect to remember that you are a person too and deserve to be as happy as any other person. Once you value your own 'person' and know what boundaries to place in your life, you can learn to apply varying degrees of assertiveness. I know this is not often easy. As a people pleaser, I still get sick to my stomache when I have to assert myself in a way that is going to anger another person. Sometimes, I will dwell on doing so for days and question myself, feel guilty for having done so and wonder if I did the right thing. So, I do understand the need to fortify yourself against such anguish and potential hurt by assuming a more dominant persona. In my case, I FOUND that I do possess some dominant traits, as well as submissive ones. What fulfills ME most? Well, not the matter of your topic and irrelevent here. [:)] Someone offered me advice that has helped me to this day, about projecting a positive image. She said, 'if you don't feel confident in how you portray yourself, seek out somenoe you respect and admire and emulate those behaviors. Don't be fake about it, but study those aspects of who they are and what they do, and aspire toward them. Eventually what you do and how you think, will help mold you into the person you want to be.' In a sense, this is what I see you doing in taking on the role of a dominant, to better assert yourself. You can learn some wonderful skills doing this.. It won't, however, make you any less submissive if that is who you are, inherently.
From my experience, the most influential dominant persons in my life were nurturers. Caring, giving, and loving individuals who ALSO possessed an inate confidence and a need to take control of others - but in a mentor like fashion. So, giving of yourself to others is not, primarily, a dominant trait. There is a wide spectrum of personalities in both dynamics.
Knowing who you are, is a very good thing. Recognizing those traits that bring you harm or disatisfaction, is wonderful as well. There are many who do not have an honest view of themselves and so continue repeating the same mistakes over and over and never realize that the fault isn't in others, but themselves.
If your lifestyle choices work for you and you find fulfillment in taking the dominant role, wonderful! If it doesn't, be willing to negotiate with yourself, about what it is you need. When you try something that isn't working - adjust your thinking a bit so that you can allow for a different approach. When you have learned some skills, and how to assert yourself, you may eventually find that dropping to your knees for the right person in your life; and BEING submissive; and allowing yourself to give unconditionally, brings you fulfillment. You may just find that you've come home to yourself.
Best wishes Ldhoney. My heart goes out to you.
edited for typos and clarification
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