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Never thought being trusted would bother me - 10/7/2007 6:23:14 PM   
goodgirl85


Posts: 221
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		Sir has asked me a few times over the course of the last few weeks what is bothering me. He has offered to listen to my problems and concerns on more than one occassion. At the time I didn't know what was wrong. Couldn't put my finger on it, as there was alot of things going on.

After eliminating the rest of problems (that involved other people, not him) I realized what it is that bothers me. He trusts me. He doesn't grill me about every detail of my day, who I talked to and such. He doesn't constantly ask if I am doing my assigned daily tasks. He doesn't freak out and accuse me of cheating when I come home from work an later than I was supposed to be. If I say im going out with a friend, he doesnt ask for a minute by minute intinerary and then constantly call and make sure its being followed. And he doesnt flip out when he finds out that the friend happens to be male. He seems to understand that I have a life that I want to live. And doesn't expect me to stay at home when not working just because I'm not with him.

Hmmm, problem with this how??? you may be asking. Im not used to it. Im not used to be allowed to have my own life aside from him. I have only been with one Dom, and played with a few others, but most of my past boyfriends were of the controlling kind. Whether it be Dom wannabes, or that intense scary kind of jealousy. I'm so used to not being allowed to have a life (yes I put up with it for reasons unbeknownst to even me) that it actually bothers me that He doesn't seem to care. Its not that I want Him to be jealous, I admit that I have a pretty good thing going. It's just new territory to be trusted to do the right thing.

And he can trust me. Its not like Im looking for an excuse to go out and cheat on him (you know the classic well, you think i am already so why not..) No, thats not it. I can be trusted. I don't cheat. I take pride in being His and being able to meet with His sometimes demanding ways. (Masturbating to point of ograsm after thirteen hours of work because you didn't have time in the morning can be considered quite demanding when you have to do it everyday)

How do I tell Him that as much as I like His passive approach in regards to my life when not with Him, it bothers me? How do I say, "It bothers me that you trust me" without seeming like I'm not trustworthy?


girl
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RE: Never thought being trusted would bother me - 10/7/2007 6:30:01 PM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Hiya girl,

I'm pretty sure I get what you mean.  To me, it doesn't sound like you're frustrated that he trusts you so much, as you might be slipping into a bit of a routine rut with him.  A vacation, or just a seriously kinky weekend might be just the thing to fix you up; 48 hours of being stripped, tied, whipped, chained, etc to throw you heavily back into the submissive headspace that makes you feel dominated. 

Just my two cents.  Enjoy!

Stephan


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RE: Never thought being trusted would bother me - 10/7/2007 6:32:57 PM   
hejira92


Posts: 2272
Joined: 10/27/2005
From: Palm Beach County, Fl
Status: offline 		Based on what you say is your history, maybe you're confusing being trusted with him not caring. Micromanaging may not be his style.
 
Have you thought to discuss with him that you may be needing more attention? My Master does not micromanage at all, but He knows I am an attention whore and will ask me about my day and sit me on His lap (if we are together) and pay me LOTS of attention - because I am a good girl and can be trusted and He doesn't have to micromanage.
 
I think you should analyze more on whether it is his trust that has you down or your perception of him not caring enough to follow your every move or if you just need more daily attention than you are getting.

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RE: Never thought being trusted would bother me - 10/7/2007 6:41:23 PM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		Even though you didn't like jealous controlling behavior, there must have been something about it that you DID like or needed or you wouldn't have consistently attracted that type. Maybe you have now grown out of that, but a part of you misses the good part you got from it. In your post you said "it actually bothers me that He doesn't seem to care." So there is an internal voice inside you that interpreted jealous, posessive behavior as "caring". Now you know logically that's not true, but your inside hasn't caught up yet. That's always the hardest part.

Recognizing what is going on is important. If you didn't, you might act out in order to force him into the role you are most comfortable with. You will feel sad and a little out of sorts for a while until this new pattern settles into your bones. That's the way it is with personal change and that's why so many people avoid it.

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RE: Never thought being trusted would bother me - 10/7/2007 7:12:46 PM   
MySweetSubmssive


Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline 		It seems like there might be two things working here.  One is that you're not used to being treated well.  The other is that you want more structure in your relationship.

If you need more structure, or less "passive" management, that's something that you can relate to him.  There are ways that he can assert his control or give you the attention you want.  As LA might say: communicate, communicate, communicate. 

Please don't see care and trust as passivity, though.  That misconception is something that you need to sweat through and realize that he don't have to be jealous and abusive to care.    I realize that it can take a lot of effort to accept that one is worth it if you're used to people who treat you poorly.  If he's a skilled guy in terms of interpersonal relationships, talking through fears and concerns will help you move through it as a couple.

I hope this was helpful.  Best to you!

MSS



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RE: Never thought being trusted would bother me - 10/7/2007 7:23:02 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		I don't enjoy distrust but I do like a touch of possessiveness. I want to know that he thinks I'm so wonderful, that he automatically assumes every other male on the planet thinks the same thing. I interpret a lack of possessiveness as believing that of course I'm going to do the right thing simply because I don't have any opportunities to do the wrong thing.

I like being asked in a joking manner if I was late because I was flirting with the guy at the hardware store or whomever. I need to be trusted but I also need him to show that he thinks I'm trustworthy because of my ethical nature, not because I haven't any choice.

Any chance this resonates with the op?

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RE: Never thought being trusted would bother me - 10/7/2007 7:29:14 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		When we are used to things working a particular way, even if that way is unhealthy or unsafe or uncaring, the mere stability offers us a bit of control and assurance. Thus when we are offered another way we are afraid.

It is a very common way to react.

Just tell him how you feel but do not put it into terms of how he is behaving because if you stop and think honestly it is really about you and your expectations, not him at all.

He does need to be aware of however in case you and he decide that you want to continue in this new way and break free of old habits or if you want to fall back onto old habits. However let me say that you may not be able to have your old habits with him if he is not that type of a person who will treat as you have been treated in the past. Neither of you can make this decision though until you are both fully aware of it.

If you decide to try and work on continuing at things are, if you can feel safe enough yourself to let go of the old habits, I'm not going to lie to you: it will not be easy. It could take years for you to feel comfortable, it will require a lot of patience on his part.

As someone who has had to break such old habits herself let me say that it was very much worth every single second of work to break free from the routines of my past when I finally determined they were not the most healthy for me.

The call has to be both of yours but it also must be a mutual decision for any continued relationship. If you can you might want to consider talking to a professional about your fears and then using that professional as a way to approach subject in a controlled and as objective fashion as possible. I'm sure many people will disagree but I have found such objectivity to be useful.

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RE: Never thought being trusted would bother me - 10/9/2007 8:33:38 PM   
goodgirl85


Posts: 221
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you for all responding. Another day has gone by, and I still have not told Him. I am scared of what His reaction will be. We get so very little time together right now, as our work schedules are both very busy. And I don't want to ruin it with to many serious talks. <<<completely me has nothing to do with him at all. I think maybe I don't need to tell him???? I mean, we are getting along just fine, and its not like I am not happy, because I am. It is just because I'm not used to someone wanting me for more than sex, and actually trusting me as such. I know he does care what I do when not with him, otherwise he wouldn't have me ask to go out. Shrugs... I dont know. But thank you all for your advice.

girl

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RE: Never thought being trusted would bother me - 10/9/2007 8:48:55 PM   
MsD


Posts: 68
Joined: 4/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: goodgirl85

Thank you for all responding. Another day has gone by, and I still have not told Him. I am scared of what His reaction will be. We get so very little time together right now, as our work schedules are both very busy. And I don't want to ruin it with to many serious talks. <<<completely me has nothing to do with him at all. I think maybe I don't need to tell him???? Sorry hun - he has noticed; he has brought it up to you; you have to tell him sooner or later.  I mean, we are getting along just fine, and its not like I am not happy, because I am. THIS (or some facsimilie of) is what you need to say to him!!  your own words >>>It is just because I'm not used to someone wanting me for more than sex, and actually trusting me as such.<<< I know he does care what I do when not with him, otherwise he wouldn't have me ask to go out. Shrugs... I dont know. But thank you all for your advice.
Hope this has been a bit of help - I strongly recommend you tell him - sooner rather than later. 
girl

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RE: Never thought being trusted would bother me - 10/9/2007 8:50:44 PM   
xolarkinxo


Posts: 73
Joined: 9/10/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I am scared of what His reaction will be.


Goodgirl,  You have not talked to him yet because of the above reason.  You could try having him read this thread to get the ball going.  Do not worry about his reaction; from the sounds of it he is a reasonable guy.  You mention you are happy; yet, the thread began with something that is bothering you.  It must really be close to your heart for you to avoid the conversation and that is what makes it difficult.  Exposing yourself.  Take a deep breathe, and just do it.  I'm sure you will feel better after.  Usually the biggest fear is the ones created by the mind, not the ones based in reality.  Best wishes.
Larkin

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RE: Never thought being trusted would bother me - 10/9/2007 9:08:12 PM   
EvilGeoff


Posts: 523
Joined: 8/24/2005
Status: offline 		Seems to me that not only is he not jealous, but he's also very secure in his relationship with you and with who and what he is.  This is also a good indicator that he has a clean conscience too, because as human beings, we tend to assume other people behave and feel like we do... The cheater is the first to accuse their partner of cheating for example.

TALK with him.  He should appreciate your honesty and transparency.

YIK,
- Geoff

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RE: Never thought being trusted would bother me - 10/9/2007 9:09:19 PM   
murmur


Posts: 394
Joined: 9/26/2005
Status: offline 		even though he isnt the cause of what troubles you, talking to him about your insecurity could be a way for you to put a new level of trust in him. You know he trust you, do you trust him enough to tell him about your insecurity? Telling him passively isnt *accusing* him, ya know? just telling isnt putting in question the relationship altogether, you said it yourself, you're both in love and everything's fine.
When you learn that love goes hand to hand with jealousy, it's normal, with a sane relationship, to be confused with = he's trusting me so much!! VS is he interested enough in me? ;  maybe?

My advice : take it slow, cause it's not a day-after-tomorrow kind of change. accept his loving as the way he opens himself to you and trust yourself as well with this. You're not alone anymore, you're being accepted and listened to.
Freedom is yours to take fully before everyone else can.
Good luck, my thoughts goes with you in this *hugs*

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RE: Never thought being trusted would bother me - 10/9/2007 9:14:09 PM   
amiciaN


Posts: 228
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline 		I can definitely relate to your post, goodgirl!  I wasn't used to being trusted either and it does take getting used to.  For me, my relationship with NChaka still feels like a lovely dream at times... one I'm terrifed I'm going to wake up from.  When life has pretty much sucked for a long time, everything suddenly changing to a bed of roses (complete with those lovely little kinky thorns), it's still a bit of a mindfuck, though of the delightful variety.  I still find myself second guessing NChaka's trust at times, such as being conscious of how I am dressed (i.e., is it too sexy, though Master tells me I have excellant taste), or worrying that He would object to my friendship with my oldest son's dad (He doesn't at all).  It happens less and less now, but it does occasionally, even after 2 years.

I also have to second the opinion that part of what you may be longing for is the attention.  It's similar to the child who acts out to get attention.  It's the attention they crave, even if it is 'bad' attention.  The same goes for wanting to feel that possessiveness.  It's that feeling of being 'His' that I crave, not me wanting Him to be jealous of every man I talk to.  Maybe these are the things you were getting in an unhealthy way out of your previous relationships that caused you to repeat that pattern in the first place?

I hope knowing that others have felt something similar has been encouraging, if not directly helpful.

As always, this is just my opinion, based on my own experiences and understanding.  ymmv.


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RE: Never thought being trusted would bother me - 10/9/2007 9:24:01 PM   
slavegirljoy


Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline 		It doesn't sound to me like it's really his level of trust in you that's causing the problem but, rather, that you feel you have too much freedom and that you are wanting/needing him to have more control over you.  Have you considered this as a possibility?  Maybe talking with him about issues of control rather than trust would be helpful.  Just a thought that you might want to consider.
 
slave joy
Owned property of Master David

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RE: Never thought being trusted would bother me - 10/9/2007 10:11:12 PM   
Kirata


Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: goodgirl85

If I say im going out with a friend, he doesnt ask for a minute by minute intinerary... And he doesnt flip out when he finds out that the friend happens to be male.
 
Hmmm, problem with this how???
 

Gee, ya gotta wonder.
 
Stop going out with other men, and see if his trust bothers you as much.
 
K.
 

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RE: Never thought being trusted would bother me - 10/10/2007 10:29:26 AM   
murmur


Posts: 394
Joined: 9/26/2005
Status: offline 		she isnt *going out* with other men - notice how she mentionned the friend thing?

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RE: Never thought being trusted would bother me - 10/10/2007 10:35:33 AM   
DarkDaddyZ


Posts: 805
Joined: 4/7/2006
Status: offline 		Sounds like a good problem to have....

seriously, perhaps you can approach him that part of your submissiveness (?) is you'd like to discuss your day and activties more with him, because you want him to have an active interest and see how he feels about that. Perhaps a journal he can review...or perhaps more you want him to take more ownership in your day.

Z-


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RE: Never thought being trusted would bother me - 10/10/2007 2:19:23 PM   
Kirata


Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: murmur

she isnt *going out* with other men - notice how she mentionned the friend thing?


Yes, thank you so very much. But I can read middling well on my own. The salient fact remains that she is going out, keeping company with another man, without her Master (unless she construes her relationship with her "Sir" differently than I am thinking). He may well trust her, and she may well be trustworthy. But he doesn't really know. And she knows he doesn't. Yep, I can see a problem there. The "friend" thing? Hey, all manner of human tragedies can start perfectly innocently.
 
K.
 

< Message edited by Kirata -- 10/10/2007 2:21:47 PM >

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RE: Never thought being trusted would bother me - 10/10/2007 6:18:06 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TNstepsout

Even though you didn't like jealous controlling behavior, there must have been something about it that you DID like or needed or you wouldn't have consistently attracted that type. Maybe you have now grown out of that, but a part of you misses the good part you got from it. In your post you said "it actually bothers me that He doesn't seem to care." So there is an internal voice inside you that interpreted jealous, posessive behavior as "caring". Now you know logically that's not true, but your inside hasn't caught up yet. That's always the hardest part.

Recognizing what is going on is important. If you didn't, you might act out in order to force him into the role you are most comfortable with. You will feel sad and a little out of sorts for a while until this new pattern settles into your bones. That's the way it is with personal change and that's why so many people avoid it.


Well said, TN.  I think that recognition of this pattern is what is hardest for so many people.  They go on and on for years dealing with a behavior that drives them nuts...swear to themselves that the next time they are going to have the opposite...and then, when they get it, that nagging voice inside starts telling them "but...if he really cared/loved/wanted, then he would act THIS way (the same manner I hated before)" because our brains and our hearts do not act in sync.

To the OP...I can't give you any better advice.  I would say to read through TN's paragraph again...and again.

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RE: Never thought being trusted would bother me - 10/10/2007 6:21:17 PM   
goodgirl85


Posts: 221
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		Kirata,

This is exactly the attitude that I have been used to. When did it come about that males and females can't be friends. I happen to have more male friends than female friends because... well I have always just gotten along better with them even when sex ISNT involved.

Sir knows of this, and knows of the more personal reasons for this. I have nothing to hide from him. I ask him if I may go out with a friend, sometimes he asks who, other times he just gives his permission. I don't go out all that much, as I work 50-60 hours a week. He actually sometimes tells me to go out with friends.

Yes, he doesn't know exactly what I do when not with him, and yes I am very aware of that fact. Which makes me even more aware of my behavior and to be sure that I behave in a way that would please him.

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