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How do You??? - 9/30/2007 8:35:59 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		i'm aware that posting this may possibly to set me up for much ridicule, however apparently i'm either too tired or too frustrated to care...
 
Recently (2 months ago or so) i became involved with a man from here.  He's one of the most wonderful men i've ever met in my entire life. He treats me like no one else in my life ever has..i feel so cared for, valued, nurtured, supported, and encouraged when i am with him...The problem? To put it bluntly (other than just saying ME!) i don't know how to accept being happy..i know that's going to sound utterly ridiculous, however it's reality right now..i am so overwhelmed with sadness that i am scared i'm going to screw this up...
 
Before anyone suggests i talk to Him, please know i tell Him nearly everything.  And He always handles it with grace and dignity... For example, last night when i was with Him i was apparently being quiet.  After about five hours, he just held me and asked me what was wrong. And i told Him i'd been having flashbacks of a (recent) rape.  He was sooo wonderful during that time..
 
i'm curious to know if anyone else has ever struggled with accepting happiness. And honestly i'm not even sure if that's what it is i'm struggling with.  i'm open to any suggestions, ideas, encouragement, truth, etc.  And yes, for the record i am getting therapy for the rape and other stuff..
Thanks for all of Your support,
Kalista

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

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RE: How do You??? - 9/30/2007 8:41:24 PM   
beltainefaerie


Posts: 610
Joined: 4/15/2006
Status: offline 		I went through this, not in my D/s relationship, but with my husbdan.  When we were first together, I had a very hard time accepting that I could be happy, that I derserved this and deserved him, and that nothing was inherently wrong.  It took time to accept that it was really fine.  We were together 6 months before I really settled into the ability to be happy and a year or 2 before I stopped feeling like some horrible accident/tragedy was going to take him away from me. I know that might sound crazy to some, but I totally get what you are going through.  Incidentally we have been married over 6 years and people still mistake us for newlyweds, so it is possible to get through it.  Blessings on your journey!

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RE: How do You??? - 9/30/2007 8:44:44 PM   
LivingInSin


Posts: 326
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline 		Hi Kalista,
I struggle with it a lot. I think mine just comes from being screwed over so many times in the past that I kind of just brace myself for it. I tend to distance myself from my loved ones for a while. Then I come back around to being sociable again. I just look at is as being extremely cautious.
Good luck with your therapy. I know some of it sucks, expecially dealing with rape, but it really does help.
Drop me aline if you just need someone to jabber at.


_____________________________

*Instead of complaining that rose bushes have thorns, rejoice that thorn bushes bloom*

*Myth says that only the woman who has been an utter slave can be truly free------this is no myth*


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RE: How do You??? - 9/30/2007 8:48:34 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

I think mine just comes from being screwed over so many times in the past that I kind of just brace myself for it. I tend to distance myself from my loved ones for a while. Then I come back around to being sociable again. I just look at is as being extremely cautious.

HOLY SHIT!!!...I think we are twins seperated at birth!..I could have written what you just said....
To Kalista : I so wish I had something to offer here...I do indeed understand how you feel hun. I am still struggling with this myself I'm afraid


< Message edited by breatheasone -- 9/30/2007 8:51:45 PM >

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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RE: How do You??? - 9/30/2007 8:52:21 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		Kalista... simple questions.. but important to gain some insight...

Do you feel you deserve to be happy?

second question

Does it scare(terrified) you to be without the happiness you percieve as having in this blooming relationship?

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: How do You??? - 9/30/2007 8:55:55 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		KnightofMists,
 
i really do believe that i deserve to be happy.... (i just never thought it would happen to or for a person like me).
 
And yes, it does terrify me to be without the happiness that i perceive as coming from this relationship.. (although, honestly, i'm not sure terrify even begins to accurately describe it)

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb


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RE: How do You??? - 9/30/2007 9:05:28 PM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline 		Accepting happiness is probably the biggest challenge any of us face.

Yes, you should talk to him--that's a given, and it's a very positive sign that you do.  But you should also talk to others.  No matter how wonderful he is, he is still just one man.  You need others as well--good friends who can hold you up and help you work through the insecurities.  Friends also celebrate the happiness this man brings into your life.

Keep a vibrant circle of friends willing to listen to you brag about him.  The more others celebrate your happiness the easier it will be for you to accept it.


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RE: How do You??? - 9/30/2007 9:19:24 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		water seeks its own level....so you need to adress this as fast as you can before you mistakenly create a tradgedy or an unhappy situaltion...we are very powerful beings, us humans, and we are excelent at self sabotage, denial, and and catastrophe.....

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Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




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RE: How do You??? - 9/30/2007 9:42:16 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Ha, two years and counting here.  Mostly I laugh at myself, and give the gratitude into the world and my relationship.  Once I allowed myself to feel blessed (I didn't have to accept that I DESERVED the blessing, just that for whatever reason I AM blessed), I found that let enough light to grow. 

And since we both still daily tell eachother how the other deserves better and don't let it interfere with ACCEPTING what the other has to give, it works out well.

He's Jewish though, so there's really no hope for him.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: How do You??? - 9/30/2007 10:21:52 PM   
rmanrr


Posts: 358
Joined: 7/25/2006
Status: offline 		Greetings
I had about given up...and then someone wonderful came into My life in a deeper more meaningful manner than anyone before. I scarcely dared to hope...and then hope was fulfilled. I often wonder what the hell she sees in Me...but I am oh so damn glad she sees something. Pursuit...gain...but still pursuing because that way it will always be fresh, and I will always feel lucky.


_____________________________

Be Well, Be Careful

Jarl Rmanrr

"the road untravelled is the loneliest." Me
Courage...the ability to overcome obstacles during the course.
"to be insane is to be original!"...Me

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RE: How do You??? - 9/30/2007 10:34:10 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

KnightofMists,
 
i really do believe that i deserve to be happy.... (i just never thought it would happen to or for a person like me).
 
And yes, it does terrify me to be without the happiness that i perceive as coming from this relationship.. (although, honestly, i'm not sure terrify even begins to accurately describe it)

I get this!!!...It sucks living in fear.What sucks even harder is that its ALL me...Master has done everything except stand on His head and whistle Dixie out His asshole to convince me that He ISN'T going anywhere!



_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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RE: How do You??? - 9/30/2007 10:38:47 PM   
Kirata


Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

i am so overwhelmed with sadness that i am scared i'm going to screw this up... 


I'll venture to suggest that the unhappiness was always there, but now at last you have the hugs and snuggles you need to finally allow yourself to experience it and begin to let go of it.
 
One day at a time, girl... everything will be alright.
 
K.
 
 

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RE: How do You??? - 9/30/2007 10:39:47 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone I get this!!!...It sucks living in fear.What sucks even harder is that its ALL me...Master has done everything except stand on His head and whistle Dixie out His asshole to convince me that He ISN'T going anywhere!



RFLMAO..... Okay that is sooo me... In fact i was just talking to a friend who told me if the worst thing i had to bitch about Him is that He's sooo patient, i needed to suck it up...  At any rate, i wonder if He has considred just having that exact phrase tatood on my hand.... i can see it now : "I'm not going anywhere"...he hehe

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb


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RE: How do You??? - 9/30/2007 10:45:18 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone I get this!!!...It sucks living in fear.What sucks even harder is that its ALL me...Master has done everything except stand on His head and whistle Dixie out His asshole to convince me that He ISN'T going anywhere!



RFLMAO..... Okay that is sooo me... In fact i was just talking to a friend who told me if the worst thing i had to bitch about Him is that He's sooo patient, i needed to suck it up...  At any rate, i wonder if He has considred just having that exact phrase tatood on my hand.... i can see it now : "I'm not going anywhere"...he hehe

Hey Kalista!!...If the tatoo works lemme know I'll GLADLY get it to spare my poor Masters nerves (what He has left that is)


_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

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RE: How do You??? - 10/1/2007 12:14:59 AM   
CuriousLord


Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		I've had a slave run away due to being too happy before.  Two of them, I think..

Not that I have successful advice due to those occurances, but just to tell you, you're not the only girl to have ever struggle with it; so, it's okay.  You're normal.

PS-  If you make it, you've done better than them.

< Message edited by CuriousLord -- 10/1/2007 12:16:11 AM >

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RE: How do You??? - 10/1/2007 12:19:00 AM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		i have no idea why, but You all continue to amaze and surprise me..Thank You all for sharing with me Your honest, sincere, and respectful experiences or giving me Your opinion..i value them one and all..And am actually feeling like i may be able to go to sleep now.
Thanks,
Kalista

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb


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RE: How do You??? - 10/1/2007 2:05:12 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Kalista, I hope you've been able to find a bit of peace. For many people, it is so much harder to receive than to give ... especially for subs! My own sub is struggling with that at the moment as she is here recuperating from a total hysterectomy and I am helping her instead of the other way around. W/we have recovered from a shaky start and things are now going along well, but she still finds it hard to accept happiness and care.

No doubt you would say that you trust your Master ... in play activities, sexually etc ... then trust His word too. If He says He loves you, is happy with you, wants to be with you ... trust and believe. And focus on building His trust in you ... remember that if you are continually stressing about whether He might leave you or otherwise let you down ... you are likely to be destroying His confidence and His trust that you won't be considering doing the same to Him. It cuts both ways. Don't let your fears talk you into creating a self-fulfilling prophecy ... "i'm afraid He will reject me so i will hold back to protect myself ... so He senses you are holding back and feels hurt ... and ultimately feels rejected until He can't take it any more" ... and so it all ends.

Here's some positive suggestions:
1. Affirmations - write out some positive statements ... i am happy with Master, Master loves me, i deserve to be this happy, the Creator wants me to be this happy ... whatever you need to counteract your negatives. Keep them to hand, post them around the house, read them over daily (out loud is best).
2. Make a rainy day envelope - get a large envelope, decorate it with an uplifting scene, whether you draw it (mine is a rainbow with a pot of gold!), or cut and paste it. Inside tuck in lots of little special things ... little notes your Master has written, special photos, some more affirmations, little keepsakes and mementos of places you've visited together (eg movie tickets) ... things that give you that special warm fuzzy feeling. When you're having a blah day, take it out and look at what is inside. Guaranteed to lift your spirits!
3. Carry a little memento with you always. One idea I really like is to take an old pack of playing cards. Take out the King of Hearts (for a Master, Queen of Hearts for a Mistress). Take a really nice photo of them, preferably a face smiling close up ... and paste it to the back of the card with craft glue. Carry it in your purse/wallet/organiser/diary. It's a very tangible thing ... moreso than a pic on your mobile for eg ... you can take it out, look at it, feel it ... you can even impregnate it with His usual scent of aftershave etc. When you look at it you could say something like "i love You, i deserve to be happy with You and You deserve to be happy with me".

Given that you have other issues from before and your Master is willing to face them with you as you travel through therapy ... some of these ideas may be helpful in dealing with those too.

All the very best
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

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RE: How do You??? - 10/1/2007 2:34:44 AM   
Perplex


Posts: 110
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		Another thing which has not been mentioned is outlook.  If you are a cynic or pessimist by nature, there is a certain saftey there, as logn as you know ..and can accept the toast will fall butter side down in life, you got nothign to lose, cuz when it happens *shrug* you knew it would anyway.

but then you get happy.

ut-oh and suddenly you have soemthing to lose.  Not just the relationship, but the man himself, what if he gets run over by an elevator, what if he decides he's gay, what if ..what if...what if...and that can be scary as all hell.  As long as lovers, partners, husbands even are "just about like every other guy" well he's replaceable, but get happy with one and BAM god has this nasty way of saying "hey! she's too happy, you--Angel do something about that". 

and all of that leads to the feelings of not deserving to be happy..or of not knowing how to relax enough to enjoy it...and the other types of anxiety the OP and others talk about. 

The key here is: relax, whatever is going to be that you can control to maintain the status quo do it...don't drive on wet slick roads at 90 mph, don't run with the scissors and with those things you can't control always understand being in love once is infinitely more than most people get, and as hard as it might be to lose you will always have it with you. 

and find an outlet for the anxiety...take photo's, record audio/video, not out of a sense of "just in case" more under the heading so when you're both 90 you can look back and remember.  Most of us have two dogs in our soul, if we feed the negative one he's the one who will grow...so the reverse is true as well, it may not prevent trouble, but it can't hurt. 

my favorite preach is about driving.  In a skid look at where you want to be, not at where you are afraid you'll end up.  If you look at the ditch while your in the skid BOOM you're going to end up in the ditch, get your eyes back on the road and you have a much healthier chance on pulling out of the skid with nothing worse than dirty shorts. 

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RE: How do You??? - 10/1/2007 7:29:48 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		Kirata, You are sooo right. Thank You for that...

CuriousLord, i understand that totally... And am, frankly, determined to not be like them.. :D


MaamJay, Thank You sooo much!! Those are all awesome ideas, and i will do my best to implement all of them.

Perplex, You are very insightful.. Thank You so much...

Kalista.

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb


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RE: How do You??? - 10/2/2007 12:02:29 AM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Hi Kalista,

Believe it or not, I've been there; hell I still struggle with it, even today.

The only advice I have, would probably be the same you give to an alchoholic; one day at a time.

Some days you win the battle, some days you lose.

If you give the fight up, you're already lost, though.

Cariños,

Stephan


_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

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