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Making friends of the same sex - 9/30/2007 6:08:29 PM

JohnSteed1967

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Joined: 5/29/2005
From: Columbia SC
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I've never been one to make male friends, because in High School and College I was ashamed of my parents. I came from a very dysfuntional family. My mom was moderatly retarded and my grandmother was as country and racist as they come.

Like all good children on dysfunctional families you keep the family closed, you don't let the outsider in. You protect the unit.

I have tried to make friends with males from work, inviting them over to hang out. play video games, do computer upgrades (I work in the computer field). But it never seems to work, Last person that I made a genuine effort to be a friend too outside of work told me that he couldn't because he was spending time with his wife.

How do I make friends with members of the same sex, and it dosen't seem gay or that I am a serial killer.

I have no problems with women, and my best friend in the world is a 46 year old grandmother.

Post #: 1

RE: Making friends of the same sex - 9/30/2007 6:18:06 PM

Alumbrado

Posts: 5560
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Work isn't always a good place to make friends.

Look into interest groups, where people go to do things you enjoy for recreation.

(in reply to JohnSteed1967)

Post #: 2

RE: Making friends of the same sex - 9/30/2007 6:25:50 PM

Lumus

Posts: 5968
Joined: 9/16/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnSteed1967

I've never been one to make male friends, because in High School and College I was ashamed of my parents. I came from a very dysfuntional family. My mom was moderatly retarded and my grandmother was as country and racist as they come.

Like all good children on dysfunctional families you keep the family closed, you don't let the outsider in. You protect the unit.

I have tried to make friends with males from work, inviting them over to hang out. play video games, do computer upgrades (I work in the computer field). But it never seems to work, Last person that I made a genuine effort to be a friend too outside of work told me that he couldn't because he was spending time with his wife.

How do I make friends with members of the same sex, and it dosen't seem gay or that I am a serial killer.

I have no problems with women, and my best friend in the world is a 46 year old grandmother.

Work is one outlet through which we create friendships. Another is going out and becoming involved in groups which practice or promote hobbies you enjoy.

What things do you enjoy [other than computers]? Inventory your preferences, the better to discover what you would appreciate in others.

Friendships of any sort take time, effort, and are often established on commonalities. Any friendship worth having must be a mutual exchange, so instead of focusing on the fact that you don't have male friends, take a calmer approach. Be yourself. Get to know and understand people; recognize what you both like, and if you can appreciate your differences, so much the better.

Frankly, it sounds as though you've been dwelling on this and judging yourself for it. When you stop worrying about you mental stability and your sexual preferences, and just be instead of trying to be an image in your head, things will get better.

Hope that helps.

_____________________________

<Talk to educate; listen to learn.>

~ the other half of "L&L" ~

I have been dubbed the Rainmaker. Do not make me take your water for my tribe.

(in reply to JohnSteed1967)

Post #: 3

RE: Making friends of the same sex - 9/30/2007 6:28:49 PM

Rule

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Joined: 12/5/2005
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Friends are like cats. When you pursue them, they run away. When you ignore them, they find you.

(in reply to JohnSteed1967)

Post #: 4

RE: Making friends of the same sex - 9/30/2007 6:36:37 PM

pahunkboy

Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
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well- we seem to live in an "im too busy" culture. i talk to a few folks online. i keep in touch with old old friends. but it is harder when people drift apart. many are so enthralled/imprisoned by keeping the life style they afford- well to keep affording it.

even in person how many will get on the phone or internet like the live person was not even there? heck everytime i see the one neighbor she is glued to a phone- so i cant intrude.

even when one gets involved in groups - it is still hard to develope good friendships.

larger society has redued down -that pastimes are now sitting in gridlock traffic or shopping. the only time people talk to you [it seems] is when there is money on the line. ouch.

hurry up. hurry up. hurry up. shop traffic shop eat sht shop. ad nuesennnnnnnnnnnnnn. yikes. i think alot of it is location - some parts of the country seem more community oriented. others are snob appeal. hmm.

(in reply to Lumus)

Post #: 5

RE: Making friends of the same sex - 9/30/2007 7:10:36 PM

UtopianRanger

Posts: 3251
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quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnSteed1967

I've never been one to make male friends, because in High School and College I was ashamed of my parents. I came from a very dysfuntional family. My mom was moderatly retarded and my grandmother was as country and racist as they come.

Like all good children on dysfunctional families you keep the family closed, you don't let the outsider in. You protect the unit.

I have tried to make friends with males from work, inviting them over to hang out. play video games, do computer upgrades (I work in the computer field). But it never seems to work, Last person that I made a genuine effort to be a friend too outside of work told me that he couldn't because he was spending time with his wife.

How do I make friends with members of the same sex, and it dosen't seem gay or that I am a serial killer.

I have no problems with women, and my best friend in the world is a 46 year old grandmother.

Man.....brother - I'm truly sorry to hear this.

Many will disagree with me on this....but I think it's highly unlikely that you'll meet very many dudes upgrading computers.

You need to join a gym and work out everyday.....you'll meet tons of male friends. Hell....I've got guys 25 to 30 asking me to come out drinking with them on Fri and Sat nights.

Hell....join a pool league, play city league b-ball/softball, take up paint ball or something else male dominated - The key here is to be a ‘‘participant’’; not just a spectator.

Best wishes

- R

< Message edited by UtopianRanger -- 9/30/2007 7:13:05 PM >

_____________________________

"If you are going to win any battle, you have to do one thing. You have to make the mind run the body. Never let the body tell the mind what to do... the body is never tired if the mind is not tired."

-General George S. Patton

(in reply to JohnSteed1967)

Post #: 6

RE: Making friends of the same sex - 9/30/2007 7:17:33 PM

pahunkboy

Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
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bowling would work too-

(in reply to UtopianRanger)

Post #: 7

RE: Making friends of the same sex - 9/30/2007 8:48:25 PM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline

Well, you are into BDSM. Start attending some munches and play parties. You'll make male friends there.

As kids, it was easy to run into the play ground and start goofing around making friends. As we get older, we become more paranoid with strangers or people we don't know much about.

If the live scene does not tickle your fancy, you can alway look into joining the Masons, Lions Club, or some other group. Otherwise, keep going to events that pretain to your beliefs and hobbies. Sooner or later, the right friends will come along which you won't have to hide many secrets from.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to JohnSteed1967)

Post #: 8

RE: Making friends of the same sex - 9/30/2007 9:22:43 PM

TheHeretic

Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
Status: offline

Have you tried a gay bar?

Ok, sorry. I'm a bit giddy tonight. Trying to invite people to your house right off the bat... Easy to give off the wrong vibe, especially when it's about what you can do for them.

< Message edited by TheHeretic -- 9/30/2007 9:29:52 PM >

_____________________________

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.

(in reply to JohnSteed1967)

Post #: 9

RE: Making friends of the same sex - 9/30/2007 9:41:35 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
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Giddy? Glad to hear that going to a gay bar is working out for you, TheHeretic. Keep it up!

On the subject at hand, I have similar issues with making male or female friends. I have not met many people in my life who share my rather warped viewpoint on things, and as I tend to dislike (or not have time for) most stereotypical guy things, the pool for people to be friends with is rather small.

On the other hand, I read once that the best way to have friends is to be one. While I tend to wonder at times if people like me, I could probably ask 30 or 40 people I know to help me move and they would jump at the chance. I suspect this is because I am a friend of others, and it is unconditional. The fact that I have moved them 10 times does not mean I am going to call in a favor and demand they move me.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to TheHeretic)

Post #: 10

RE: Making friends of the same sex - 9/30/2007 10:09:49 PM

TheHeretic

Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy

Giddy? Glad to hear that going to a gay bar is working out for you, TheHeretic. Keep it up!

LOL. My wife and I actually wrapped up our first date in a gay bar, Sinergy (I simply ID as a lesbian trapped in the body of a man).

We picked up the keys to our new house today. Since you are so good at moving people though, what are you doing next weekend?

_____________________________

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.

(in reply to Sinergy)

Post #: 11

RE: Making friends of the same sex - 9/30/2007 10:12:38 PM

Vendaval

Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline

I am going for the general concensus of find groups of people who share your interests, meet, mingle and get to know them. The same people you see every day at work who have spouses and families have different priorities than most single guys.

_____________________________

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So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE

http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to JohnSteed1967)

Post #: 12

RE: Making friends of the same sex - 9/30/2007 10:15:46 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheHeretic

We picked up the keys to our new house today. Since you are so good at moving people though, what are you doing next weekend?

I would help you, TheHeretic, but two things prevent me.

1) I am getting my nails done.

2) I wont help anybody move who wants to give weapons of mass destruction to Al Qaeda.

Enjoy your move!

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to TheHeretic)

Post #: 13

RE: Making friends of the same sex - 9/30/2007 10:18:33 PM

Termyn8or

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Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline

JS, just read your profile. It seems you are not gay, you are looking to bullshit, play cards or something like that, it can be almost anything in common interest. A boy's night out, or whatever.

Be careful what you wish for because I have that nearly all the time. Damn, I gotta get in three arguments to get laid ! I mean I get sick oif it. But that is not my point as it pertains to you.

I almost don't know how to start. First of all at six two you are percieved as big, and many see that as a threat and might stay away. This is probably irrational, but this can happen. This does happen in a world of partially emasculated Men. You on the other hand look like a football player. Some people shy away just because of that.Even if you are no threat at all, they still act upon their perceptions, and we know that might not be reality.

I have a good friend who is in the uber six foot club, and he is not svelte. He is also quite proficient in some of the martial arts. He has never lost a fight, even against black belts. Now if angered, he would be a threat. But he does not use his fist in anger. If you do not call him out, call him on or whatever, he will NOT hit you because of an argument or whatever.

I used to work out with this guy. One time he kicked me I went flying about 15 feet. Of course being immortal at the time I ran back up and said "Do it again" and he did. I was pretty tough back then.

Thing is, I'll stand up to him if I think he is wrong, I do not fear him. He knows this much as well, he doesn't have it in him to kill someone, but I do. So ultimately I do have the upper hand. Thing is he could still hurt me real bad, but he knows better. I mean, you break my legs ? What do you think is going to happen ?

So, when this goes through the head of a Man who does not have such support, he feels vulnerable, and does not like it. Rather than go positive or negative with it, he avoids it. This is actually most likely a manifestation of something from down in the animal instinct. I mean if you were a 300lb bear and you went west in the forest and found a pack of 500lb bears, you would tell the other bears in your pack not to go there right ? That is a silly analogy, but it kinda works.

Anyway, it is a reaction. Hard to fight, but it can be done.

I've known a few in the six foot plus crowd, and the ones who did the best socially had certain traits. They can speak in even tones, they do not always emote in their speech. At least not much. This gives people the idea that they are level headed and not prone to do something without thinking. It is a tone of voice that exudes that they are in control, not high or crazy, just regular folk.

One other thing, you mentioned video games. Video games are for people who are BORED. You get six guys in a room and tell me just how many can play. The rest watch. That's a loser, get a deck of cards at the very least. Even loud music is for when you are alone, the idea of companionship is to share ideas. I do not play constant music when we party, like in the background. I used to but everybody just had to raise their voice.

If you get traveling to the east someday, you might want to stop over to the terminal. (my place) On a Friday night usually we have all the good things in life, almost. We do jam, but when the song is over it is time to bullshit. It should be several minutes before somebody cues up the next tune. The focus is on caucus, not media, although I do have a pretty decent collection. People talk about everything, their Harley, their olady, their kids their whatever. Sometimes life in general, politics, the J word, and who knows. Pot luck.

I wouldn't have it any other way. (even though I do get sick of it)

T

(in reply to FangsNfeet)

Post #: 14

RE: Making friends of the same sex - 10/1/2007 7:36:44 AM

pahunkboy

Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
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Gosh there are so many great posts- it is hard to decide post of the day. :-)

anyhow the entire world changes when couples w kids mingle with singles singles are percieved as a threat to the unit. also everything revolves around the children. so to break into that- or find the 5% who arent that way is a time waster.

it did not dawn on me that the OP was intimidating. i looked at his picture and did not think that. i look for signs of bad news when sizing up a person. for instance someone costantly in toruble w the law- i wont hang with cos i dont want IN. someone heavily drunk or drugged; i avoid.
the worng people can pull you down, and thats a fact.

i do think the question posed by the OP, is alot of what society is these days. we double lock our doors and look at the ID before answering the phone. many parts- you do not talk wave or smile to the neighbors- sad really!

(in reply to Termyn8or)

Post #: 15

RE: Making friends of the same sex - 10/1/2007 11:01:09 AM

Termyn8or

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Joined: 11/12/2005
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Good point Hunk, in this day and age it is simply harder to make friends overall. People are afraid in general, and when you are bigger than them it just amplifies the aprehension.

You read or see on TV every day about rapes, robberies etc., and alot of people cannot seem to put it into perspective. Put it this way, there are 300,000,000 people in this country, and even though we have the highest crime rate in the world, the chances of something happening to a certain person on a certain day are pretty slim.

Nonetheless, throw your cell away and get a flat tire. See just how far you have to walk down the road until you get someone to let you use their phone. Go into a newer neighborhood and note the lack of front porches suitable for socializing.

The level of isolation seems to increase with population density, seems ironic, but seems true as well. Years ago, you buy a farm, you take a ride up and down the road and find the next house. You take the kids and walk right up to the front door and introduce yourselves. You might get invited in for coffee. You might catch them at a bad time in which case you invite them over. Even in suburbia years ago, Women used the proverbial need for a cup of sugar to get to meet new neighbors. Not so today.

Now we have peepholes on the doors or even cameras and intercoms. Many people have to have working AC in the car because they always keep the doors locked.

I refuse to live like that.

I don't always lock the door. If I lock the top lock, the knob turns but the door won't open. That means I am sleeping. If the knob does not turn that means I am gone, likely for longer than a trip to the store. If the door opens and you knock on the upstairs door and get no answer, stick around because I'll be back soon. Some people are welcome to walk in and help themselves to a beer. Just don't touch my stash and don't retune my guitars.

Someday this might bite me in the ass, but that is a temporary thing, if I lived in fear, that would be constant. But others are not like me. Does anyone else around here leave the doors open when they are going to the store ? I doubt very many.

So back to the OT, large people kinda have to play gentle giant until they get to know someone. I've heard that tall Women have the same problem. Many Men are intimidated, of course we know some like that, but that is not the norm.

As a whole I think as a society we need to give up the constant comparisons. You saw the thread on Men who don't like to go with Women who make more money. It is all the same thing. Inferiority or superiority in all different facets. To be better, we must strip all this right out of our minds and get down to what is important.

Yes this guy could snap me like a twig, but WILL HE ? Some people just find it hard to believe that the answer is usually no. Psychologically I think this partly stems from a feeling of weakness. So many times in their life maybe they wanted to kick someone's ass but knew they were outmatched. Alot of people have subliminated anger, and assume everybody is just like them.

There was a very interesting article on JPFO about people who favor gun control. It was written by a psychiatrist and explains a few things. The clinical term for it is projection. Because someone has gotten pissed off and think they may have lost control and shot someone over a parking space if they had a gun, they think everybody would shoot someone over a parking space. Therefore nobody should be allowed to have a gun.

I think the concept applies here, not to the OP, but to those he may approach. People taller in stature have two viable options. One is to remain calm, and exude calm. The other is to lead, sort of take control. Both work if applied correctly. In either case people must be made to feel that there is no danger. Once you get past that, you got it licked.

Perhaps we should go hang around with my cousin. He is six foot seven. He wouldn't hurt anyone, but you don't know that. He almost got thrown out of the army because his feet are so big. He was an MP and one day he broke a guy's arms just helping him up while handcuffed. He regretted it, he did not mean to do it.

Does that mean he should be feared like a big dog or a bear ? I think we should be able to get past that. I know it is basic instinct, but we fight that every day.

Enough for now, I'll be baaack.

T

(in reply to pahunkboy)

Post #: 16

RE: Making friends of the same sex - 10/1/2007 12:02:22 PM

pahunkboy

Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
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i read somewhere tall men earn more money then short men. my observations have been that a tall guy is extra gentle over the fear that someone might view him as a bully and make a report to the police. a short guy can rant and rave in public- and get away with it; but if a tall guy does this he is subject to more scrutiny. So I can see that aspect.

Great post T! Your wording describes todays society!

I am not too happy with my one neighbor. Thou shall not cove the neighbors ox or azz. Maybe I need to tell her that.

Oh- volunteer work is a good way to meet others! I seldom mix business with pleasure as the rent check is riding on my paycheck. Also I didnt want to get into work politics- which if you are not on one side you are viewed as being on the other side. I remember verbalizing that I am neutral like switzerland. or I am here to do my job....

Even a few hours a week- denotes you as a regular- and your contacts expand. Thus possible friendships.

(in reply to Termyn8or)

Post #: 17

RE: Making friends of the same sex - 10/1/2007 3:46:04 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: pahunkboy

i read somewhere tall men earn more money then short men.

According to Scott Adams (Dilbert), the Presidential candidate who is taller almost always wins an
election.

When the taller Presidential candidate loses, it is almost always to one with better hair.

Do the math.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to pahunkboy)

Post #: 18

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