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slavegirljoy -> RE: Do amputees dream of dancing? (9/25/2007 9:16:17 PM)
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Hi Prinnie, Thank you for your reply. i guess i have to rent Blade Runner, so i can see what it is all about. i do understand what you mean by the struggle that your man went through, with thoughts of suicide and having to make the choice to undergo an amputation. The doctors told me that they couldn't cut off my leg, unless i asked them to, because i didn't have a "life-threatening" condition that required an amputation. They said it was a quality of life issue. But, really, it was a life-threatening condition because the excruciating pain of my injured ankle and lower leg and the inability to stand or walk unaided was so debilitating to me and it caused me to consider ending my own life, just to end the pain. In fact, i found out how it's possible for an animal to chew off its own foot, in order to be free from a trap. i would have done the same thing, if i hadn't had medical relief available to me, in order to get out of the trap of pain that i was in. For more than a decade, i constantly struggled with the thought of having to ask for an amputation, to the point where it was never really out of my mind. When i did finally say the words, "i want my leg cut off" to a doctor, i ended up having to repeat it to at least a half a dozen different doctors and medical personnel. But, thinking about the thought of having to ask for an amputation was much worse than actually going through with it, at least for me. i had no idea how i was going to live as an amputee or how i would be able to do things, like take a shower or drive a car or even how to put on a pair of pants or what kinds of shoes i could wear. Also, being a single mom, i wondered how i was going to be able to take care of my little ones, without help. Hopefully, your man is in a much better place, both physically and emotionally, now that he has gotten past the struggle of facing amputation. i know i am. Not only am i now without the pain i had before, i am also not having to deal with the emotional stress of fearing the unknown of how my life would be as an amputee. It's great that you have an understanding and appreciation for what your man has had to deal with. After the amputation was done and i got a good prosthetic and i learned how to wear it and walk in it and i was free of pain, i had to deal with the thought of "what man would ever want me now?" After all, i was "damaged goods", permanently damaged. i wasn't going to ever grow a new leg. my body was scarred and i had to walk around with a metal rod sticking out from below my knee or, nothing at all, where a leg and foot should be. Luckily, i found a Master who doesn't see my scars and missing leg as anything bad. It's just part of who i am, just as my freckles are and my laugh lines are. He doesn't see me as 'disabled' and He makes sure that i take good care of my leg and get the medical care i need to stay healthy. He has made me feel sexy and desirable and that has helped me to feel stronger and more confident. For me, it wasn't a matter of using my dream-state or fantasy images to change my views about how i look at myself or how others see me. Instead, i made a conscious decision to improve my self-image by adjusting the way i look at myself. i stopped looking for the flaws and, started looking for the beauty that makes me, me. i started to feel good about looking at myself, in terms of who i am, a 51 y.o., freckled, amputee woman, with my own unique beauty, rather than looking at myself, in terms of what i wish i looked like, which would just make me feel bad for falling short of that image. i learned to accept my body, the way it is, with the help of my Master, which was a struggle for a long time and, i stopped looking at myself in negative terms. i wish every woman could look at herself without comparing herself to some artificial standard of beauty that few, if anyone, actually fits. In my opinion, it's the unique qualities of our "flaws" that make us beautiful in our own special way. i credit my Master with not allowing me to feel self-conscious about my body. He enjoys my body, the way it is. He even loves the way my stump starts to twitch and jump when i get sexually excited and when i am being whipped good. i do love the way i lose myself in subspace and feel like i'm having a near outer-body experience. It's a very nice feeling. slave joyOwned property of Master David
quote:
ORIGINAL: Prinsexx
Dear Slavegirljoy:
Thankyou so much for responding to my OP with such clarity and insight. I wrote the title to my story as a parody if you like of Philips Dick's Sci Fi story which formed the basis of the Blade Runner film. I have rarely been inspired tirelessly by a movie but there are a few, not necessarily of a bdsm theme. Blade Runner is certainly one of them and I relaised as i got to the end of the movie that is was because i identified with the character Rachel; a replicant who, because of impanted memories, belives herself to be human, or at least believes that she has no inbuilt deletion date, has a sense of immortality and or a sense of the illusion of her own death. quote:
My man thought and was obsessed with the possibility of suicide as a way out of his pain before he made the CHOICE to have his leg amputated.quote:
Sometimes on going down into subspace I cross what i call a self-conscious barrier and sometimes my shame about my physical appearance (especially my face) will trigger me. In that small moment of self rejection i reject letting go of self into that delicious sub space.
Does this ever happen to you?
Thanks for listening.
Prinnie
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