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RE: Frustration! - 9/24/2007 6:35:35 PM

MDTopCouple

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The two events (the self-inflicted injury and the using of illegal substances) happened at two completely different times.

No, not once during either of these times did anyone "scream" at her or degrade her for being "stupid" as some may have suggested.

We did in fact spend a considerable amount of time talking, apologizing, and in general "debriefing" after the self-inflicted injury inicident. We all discussed (yes, with our clothes on) what we wanted to do from this point forward. We discussed the option of going our separate ways, of persuing the relationship, or simply stepping back for a few days to allow some time to think. We also made sure that our submissive was soothed and calmed before discussing anything. We listened to what she had to say, we apologized for our shortcomings, and she did the same. This was several weeks prior to the illegal substance actions.

Let me be upfront and clear when I say, there was no "suicide" attempt in this situation.

We discussed (talked, cried, got angry, apologized.. etc.. you name it) this until the early hours of morning the next day. When we parted from that 4 day visit (this submissive was fairly local), we left all options open to continue discussions. In the end, We took her back into our home for a second chance because of the continued discussions and communication that occured in the following weeks. It was some time before she came again- not for any specific reason. We had continued scheduling conflicts, work obligations, etc...

The night that I mention as "the final straw" came some time later- 3 weeks in fact- and we had enjoyed an evening of hard play. We thought things were ok with her- she had been soothed by us and we thought she had received the level of aftercare she needed. It turns out that she was feeling jealous about our (mine and my husband's) close relationship. However, she would not or could not communicate that fact to us until much later. She became angry when we said goodnight and she stormed out of the house despite our repeated protests. We did not want her leaving the house so upset. This was not the first time she had not or could not communicate her feelings to us. We had offered many opportunities to do just that in a variety of methods (writing, e-mail, talking to one of us, both of us- we thought we tried it all). Nothing seemed to work. I realize now, looking back, that this should have been a *major* warning. In my profession, I am fairly good at giving someone an outlet to express themselves. No, I am not perfect at it. I was truly at a loss to understand what this submissive was feeling when I saw her as locked up.

I will not give more details about her actions then- but her car was parked outside our home she ran from our house to her car- and she engaged in an illegal activity at that time.

My husband went out to try and reason with her. She in fact, began screaming at him and making unfounded accusations. It was a heated argument that did end with both of them eventually returning to our home. Since it was very late at night by this point, we agreed that she should stay the night and leave in the morning. We did feel responisble for her safety (as we should) and did NOT want her driving at that point.

After that, We agreed that she was not a good match for us. I think that much is self-explanatory.

My main point in even starting this thread was sort of lost in my (inappropriate) rant about one bad situation. I was feeling stung and I brought it to these public boards, which I guess does demonstrate a lack of responsibility on may part.

Either way, I have been given a lot to consider and think about. I do appreciate all the feedback.
-Daisy

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(in reply to SusanofO)

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RE: Frustration! - 9/24/2007 6:41:58 PM

SusanofO

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Well, sorry I was sounding so accusatory in my previous posts. I think people should be able to bring any kind of situation they need advice about to these boards (Lord knows I have). I maybe over-reacted to your original post.

It's just that sometimes when people relate these kinds of situaitons on these boards - they leave out so much of what happened, there isn't any real way to judge what went down, or to attempt to comment in a way that would make sense or maybe be helpful.

But you have no way of knowing how often that happens around here on these message boards - and maybe it's just the way I read some posts, who knows. Let's just say - there is a lot left out of some scenarios some people relate that they want advice about.

In any case, I apologize for jumping down your throat. Sorry (really).

From what you just now said -it's obvious, IMO you tried to make things work, or at least gave them a fair chance, tried to communicate, and showed some concern for her welfare. She sounds like she may just be kinda screwed up generally, and maybe needs long-term therapy, or something (not your job to try to provide if you don't own her, IMO).

If she's not for you, then you have a right to want whoever you want, and not want who you don't want in your life, IMO.

I know "the search" can be frustrating. Hang in there. Eventually, you will find someone who meets your needs, and whose needs you meet as well. It's partly a numbers thing, IMO. Just keep giving it your best shot, and hope for the best.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 9/24/2007 7:11:56 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to MDTopCouple)

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Post #: 42

RE: Frustration! - 9/24/2007 6:53:54 PM

lechat

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Joined: 10/19/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MDTopCouple

Afternoon A/all!

I am becoming more and more frustrated with the lack of sincere, responsible, and most importantly, mature people on this site. I am not limiting my (admitted) rant to subs, bottoms, Tops, Doms, etc.... It just seems that there are many many people who claim to be looking for "sincere people" and yet, when presented with exactly that- they disappear.

This past summer is a good case in point. We met a very good prospect. We chatted online, then phone, and eventually invited her to our home. We spent the first 24 hours getting to know one another (to help all feel safe), and the relationship and training seemed to be progressing well. She took a lot of pain, punishment, and had her domestic skills down! Then, on subsequent visits we began to discover some less than desirable attributes present in our prospective submissive. She promised to make particular changes that were not kept. One night, she even self-inflicted injuries onto herself and then told us she wanted to drive home- being close to hysterical! The final straw came when she stormed from our home, went to her car, and began using an illegal substance! In our driveway!

I guess I sound a bit like sour grapes, and perhaps I need to toughen up. I was hurt by this situation. We shared a considerable amount of our lives with this person, and then she turned out to be much less mature than she originally portrayed herself to be.

I know this has probably been discussed a number of other times. I am somewhat new to the message boards, so please forgive me and pass me by if you are sick of the topic. I am frustrated by my willingness to put forth a considerable effort to find a genuine person to share our lives with and the lack of response we get. I put a lot of thought and consideration into our messages and our profile. What gives?

Anyone else feel this way?

How do you deal?
-Daisy

illegal substance! pussy eating is illegal in many states! she actually met you guys. this post can't be honest.

(in reply to MDTopCouple)

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Post #: 43

RE: Frustration! - 9/24/2007 7:27:29 PM

SusanofO

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Maybe consider emphasizing (heavily) to prospective submissives that you are a committed (to eachother) couple. From what I've read on the Poly boards here, Poly can be a complex situation to handle - and certainly not one for a brand new submissive, who may think they are entering what amounts to a Monogamous (for them) situation, or might not understand at all the nuances of living in a Poly situation.

I know some Poly folk who find Poly very challanging, at times. So can Monogamy be - but I guess my point is that some subs might not realize they are in a situation where they have no chance (ever) of being "the most important" female partner in the group, submissive or not (if that is indeed the case, I dunno. Seems that it would be).

The prospective submissives may need to truly think over just whether and-or for how long, they can emotionally stomach the situation being proposed - and it might take a submissive who has never, ever been in this situation some time to "test it out" for themselves, and get used to it - although, I can't understand why someone seeking a monogamous partner would apply to be a part of a couple's Poly family. But still, it might take them some getting used to the idea, even if they claim to want it - and do want it? Maybe it will take a bit longer to find someone compatible, due to your being a couple.

Maybe not, though - maybe only seek people who have been with couples before? I dunno how important that would be - hard to say - it depends on the submissive, I guess. There are folks out there seeking all kinds of situations, so I am pretty sure there will be someone out there who will be compatible for you, ulitmately. Good luck.

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 9/24/2007 7:41:03 PM >

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"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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Post #: 44