RE: Frustration! (Full Version)

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chellekitty -> RE: Frustration! (9/23/2007 5:29:32 PM)

pay me $99.99 on my paypal account and i will mail you an answer by USPS to your questions bob...for $1MillionUSD i will answer every question you want to ask me by USPS....



LadyHugs -> RE: Frustration! (9/23/2007 5:31:19 PM)

Dear MDTopCouple, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I highly suggest going to the local support and education groups and or munches.  This way, there is an opportunity to observe potential individuals long before courting them for consideration for a serious relationship in the future.
 
One person may not be a true representative of an entire group of people but, it will etch in your mind as to the potential red flags and or caution flags to which were dismissed or missed.  Lessons learned are more important than the termination of a bad experience.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs



MDTopCouple -> RE: Frustration! (9/23/2007 5:53:35 PM)

We thought we had spent a considerable amount of time "getting to know her".  If we were not comfortable, we never would have invited her to our home to begin with. 
 
Hindsight is 20/20, but I have to agree with Bobkgin... time has nothing to do with it.  We had chatted online and extensively on the phone.  Somethings you just never know I guess until you meet someone in person.
 
Thanks again to everyone for your comments.  It's given me a lot to reflect and think about.
-Daisy



iammachine -> RE: Frustration! (9/23/2007 6:05:44 PM)

I said it before, I'll say it again... P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sidney.

Err, wait, wrong repeat.

What I meant to say is: do not confuse compatibility and sincerity. Someone being incompatible does not mean that they are not genuine, simply that they are not a fit.

I am sorry for your frustration and that you have not found what you are looking for. Really though, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince. Instead of being hellbent of finding a needle in a haystack, how about just enjoying the ride? Network, get to know people and make friends. Keep what you are looking for in the back of your mind but don't worry so much about an agenda.

I've found much more success personally when I've allowed the relationships I've formed to find their own level. Instead of being disappointed that I haven't found what I've wanted, I'm pleased to have connecting with however many people that have had something postive to add in their own way to my life and experience. It's a hell of a lot easier than finding someone that fits some mold of a preconceived idea that I might have.



LadyLynx -> RE: Frustration! (9/23/2007 6:39:24 PM)

It can be extremely difficult finding your One, your partner. finding another person to add to the dynamic?! yikes! I have heard of people who have been looking for years. Keep in mind that is is alot to ask for,  while there are quite a few women who do want to be in a poly relationship, alot don't want to be 3rd.  And plus if you are looking for live-in that complicates it even more.  There are so many couples who are looking for 3rds, submissive females are in high demand. heh. And of course each of the other criteria that you are searching for narrows down the search considerably.  do you  want her to be a switch,top,pagan,christian,wants kids,has kids,do you want her to be a slave to you both, so on so forth.  to slightly paraphrase what someone else said, you have kiss alot of frogs to meet your princess. (though hopefully she doesn't act like one. **winks**)



RRafe -> RE: Frustration! (9/23/2007 6:43:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MDTopCouple

Afternoon A/all!
 
I am becoming more and more frustrated with the lack of sincere, responsible, and most importantly, mature people on this site.  I am not limiting my (admitted) rant to subs, bottoms, Tops, Doms, etc....  It just seems that there are many many people who claim to be looking for "sincere people" and yet, when presented with exactly that- they disappear.
 
This past summer is a good case in point.  We met a very good prospect.  We chatted online, then phone, and eventually invited her to our home.  We spent the first 24 hours getting to know one another (to help all feel safe), and the relationship and training seemed to be progressing well.  She took a lot of pain, punishment, and had her domestic skills down!  Then, on subsequent visits we began to discover some less than desirable attributes present in our prospective submissive.  She promised to make particular changes that were not kept.  One night, she even self-inflicted injuries onto herself and then told us she wanted to drive home- being close to hysterical!  The final straw came when she stormed from our home, went to her car, and began using an illegal substance!  In our driveway! 
 
I guess I sound a bit like sour grapes, and perhaps I need to toughen up.  I was hurt by this situation.  We shared a considerable amount of our lives with this person, and then she turned out to be much less mature than she originally portrayed herself to be. 
 
I know this has probably been discussed a number of other times.  I am somewhat new to the message boards, so please forgive me and pass me by if you are sick of the topic.  I am frustrated by my willingness to put forth a considerable effort to find a genuine person to share our lives with and the lack of response we get.  I put a lot of thought and consideration into our messages and our profile.  What gives?
 
 Anyone else feel this way? 
 
How do you deal?
-Daisy


Well, I used to have the same problem with idiots like that. It was becuase I was so incredibly stupid-I saw them as things to be played with-rather than as people.

Get to know the person for a while-then go into fantasy land-and you won't be so frustrated with what you get.

Start dysfunctional, end dysfunctional.[&:]



Pyrrsefanie -> RE: Frustration! (9/24/2007 1:37:28 PM)

Y'know, aside from the spankings and "yes Sir, thank you Sir," I've realized that D/s relationships are not so far off from vanilla ones when you get down to the nitty-gritty.

Removing all of the kink references, you get a typical "person seems great at beginning of relationship, person's facade of stability starts crashing down, person is a crazy bizzatch, terminate relationship" story. 

I don't think it's sour grapes at all because regardless of the situation, she essentially lied to you, and I'd honestly be pretty freaked out if I were in your boots.  Come to think of it I have been in your situation with an ex-boyfriend of mine, but I don't think it's necessary to go into the filthy details on it. 

I hope, by the way, that you have kicked her to the curb since then, because no matter how much training and discipline you give to some people, it just isn't going to make a bit of difference. 

But it's not just on this site, believe you me.  The majority of your searching-related interactions, I assume, go on here -- so for lack of comparison it just seems like they all flock to this site.  Take a random sampling of people from random parts of the world and the majority of them are bound to be unsavory sorts of people.  Certain interests and lifestyles attract more creeps and posers than others.

I feel for you, I really do.  And I wish I had some advice more helpful than "grit your teeth and keep trudgin' through the crap."



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Frustration! (9/24/2007 3:57:33 PM)

So how much time did you actually spend offline, physically together, before making a commitment?

I'm not saying you HAVE to do that before committing in order for a relationship to work- but I think in most cases, it prevents a lot of these types of scenarios.



DivaDuchess -> RE: Frustration! (9/24/2007 4:31:26 PM)

OH WOW ... I can only keep suggesting what others on this board have done.  You need to spend more time in the 'get to know' phase.  SEVERAL message sessions or chats, then phone, then webcam (clothing ON).  Visit in a public place, not a home, that invites stalkers.  Keep sex gone from it until you KNOW them a bit.  We also ask for a drug test history and medical records.  As we are not in a hurry and have a strong household and relationship on our own, we must find a good fit for all of that.  Good luck to you.  Take your time and be more careful next time.

Diva




MDTopCouple -> RE: Frustration! (9/24/2007 4:37:48 PM)

I am very impressed with all the thoughtful and intelligent answers here.  Thank you all who gave such consideration and thought to your replies.  We have much more to think about and consider before becoming so serious with someone again.  Thanks again!
-Daisy



teamnoir -> RE: Frustration! (9/24/2007 5:13:21 PM)

I think that very few people consider themselves insincere or irresponsible.

I think most people consider themselves to be sincere and responsible - at least in some areas. And I thinnk that being human, we each make mistakes in these areas. That doesn't necessarily mean that someone is either irresponsible or insincere - only that their understandings and practices of these things may not match your own.

A world view in which everyone else is insincere and irresponsible is certainly a self consistent one. I'm just not sure it's a fun one to live in.



Sexynmentalinkc -> RE: Frustration! (9/24/2007 5:25:24 PM)

It's one of many, so big whoop (hopefully).

As others have said, one bad 'apple' doesn't mean you have to toss the whole barrel.


And, if you think about it, there's others here that would like the opportunity you've had and are still awaiting the chance to get even far as you got. So, there's always another way to view it.


For me, I give respect and trust until the person (you'll note I didn't talk about role or gender) until they give me cause not to do so. Depending on the circumstance and our history, they may even get a second chance - cause we all make our mistakes.


I hope things look up for ya. Don't let the bad experience discourage you.


*tips his hat*

- Mr. S



SusanofO -> RE: Frustration! (9/24/2007 5:36:12 PM)

Wow. What did you do (if anything) to help her when she self-inlficted injury in your driveway? Did you just scream and yell at her: "What a miserable, ungrateful prospective submissive you are?" Or what?
 
With all due respect, I know it might be frustrating to search for someone, but this kind of statement isn't exactly making you seem like a wonderful prospective owner, in terms of "taking responsibility" for someone you may one day own.

Not explaining whether or not you did squat to try to help her or calm her down - much less what went down that may have caused her to go off is really giving only part of the story - IMO, no matter if the way she acted was a bit bizarre.

But IMO, half the story is ever all that is related whenever someone poses a thread about this kind of scenario taking place on these message boards. I am sure she has a story as well. Maybe she is immature. Maybe she is nuts. And you are disappointed.

But I am still curious: How someone goes from being a "near perfect prospective submissive", to being willing to self-inflict injury - without you or your partner recognizing any signs of trouble - at all? Hmmm

So -my question I guess is: What would you do in the future, say - if you found out a good submissive you had accepted into your care (or almost) was Bi-polar, or something? Kick them to the curb immediately? Or try to help them find therapy? Take them to an ER? Anything at all?

Care to explain? Now is your golden opportunity. Just curious.

Sorry to sound concerned about that. It's just that IMO, if someone is gonna do things like own someone - or profess to be interested in such - they need to be prepared to deal with 1) The unexpected and 2) The welfare and needs of the submissive - medical, emotional, or otherwise.

If she was too much to handle, or not your uiltimate cup of tea, that's fine. But what you related made it seem (to me) that your needs were way, way, way more important than hers - and this appeared (to me) to be a medically and emotionally significant situation - one that I personally would try to even help someone who was a total stranger through.  Regardless of any future interest I had in them.

If I saw someone who was a stranger on the street about to - or having just, say, slit their wrists, well - I'd offer to take them to an ER - not stand there and scream at them about how stupid they were - even if I did think them were stupid for doing it. Even if I found them personally incredibly annoying - I would attempt to make sure they got safely home. I'd consider that part just basic human decency.

Frankly, if you haven't got the capacity to be even that minimally responsible toward a fellow human being, you probably have no business practicing BDSM.

I could be mis-understanding the entire situation, and if so, I apologize (I really do). But I hope you realize how what you said sounds. Because one thing it doesn't sound like (to me) is very responsible - not the way you relayed your reaction.

But maybe you did act responsibly toward her when thius occurred- you didn't insinuate (to me) by the way your psot was worded that you were willing to do that, is all. But maybe you did, I dunno.

- Susan



Pyrrsefanie -> RE: Frustration! (9/24/2007 5:50:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO
What would you do, if, say, you found out a submissive you had accepted into your care was Bi-polar, or something? Kidk her to the curb immediately? Or try to help her find therapy? Anything at all?
- Susan


I know this isn't directed at me, but to be honest, the sub should have been up-front about her condition instead of pretending to be absolutely fine and then flipping out suddenly one night.  And lighting up/shooting up/whatever in the driveway almost definitely was intended as nothing more than a "f*ck you" statement.  To be honest, helping her find therapy or rehab or what have you probably would have landed on deaf ears.  You can bend over backwards to help someone in either situation but unless they are willing to admit that they need help, nothing is accomplished, and resentment for the person blindly to help grows.



SusanofO -> RE: Frustration! (9/24/2007 6:02:52 PM)

You don't know if it would have landed on deaf ears or not. Neither do I. Nobody knows what actually happened because the Op didn't explain that part. That kind of behavior (that the sub exhibited) would be pretty indicative (to me) of someone in need of immediate help.

The basic gripe by the OP is that it's difficult to find someone. I can be sympathetic to that - but I can say as well, that if this is the kind of  bottom-line "concern" exhibited for people's welfare who are seriously in need of help,  I am wondering if that isn't a consideration on the part of some prospective submissives?

I noticed there was a LOT left out of the OP's story - as far as their own behavior toward said submissive. If the OP wants more sympathy, I guess I'd need a few of the blanks filled in as far as that goes - but that's just me.

I dunno. I don't know what happened. The way the OP worded what happened just struck me as strange, that's all.  But I am a sensitive sort, too. I am not Bi-polar - but  know people who are. I know I wouldn't want someone about to kill themselves just let loose on the street - even if I had zero personal interest in them at that point. 

I am just curious how they handled the situation. Because neglecting to mention that part leaves a lot to the imagination, IMO - regardless of whether they were interested in her at that point, or not. My POV - yours may of course differ.

If the OP simply wants auto-agreement it can be hard to find a good fit, then yeah, I agree it can be difficult.

- Susan  



Pyrrsefanie -> RE: Frustration! (9/24/2007 6:13:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

You don't know if it would have landed on deaf ears or not. neither do I. Nobody knows what happened because the Op didn't explain that part.

The basic gripe is that it's difficult to find someone. I can be sympathetic to that - but I can say as well, that if this is the kind of  "concern" exhibited for people's welfare,  I am wondering if that isn't a consideration on the part of some submissives?

I dunno. I don't know what happened. The way the OP worded what happened just strukc me as strange, that's all. But I am a sensitive sort. I am not Bi-polar - but  know people who are. I know I wouldn't want someone about tyo kill themselves just let loose on the street.

I am just curious how they handled the situation. because neglecting to mention that part leaves a lot to the imagination, IMO - regardless of whether they were interested in her at that point, or not. My POV  - yours may of course differ.

- Susan  



I'm speaking from my own personal experience.  I went through an extremely self-destructive period, complete with SI, drug abuse, heavy drinking... you name it, I was going through it.  To top it all off, I was suffering from severe depression (later I would be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder).  People tried to help me for years and I ignored them all and continued my coke-binges and cutting sprees.  I didn't "wake up," so to speak, until I was in an emergency room, being committed for an attempt at an overdose, and stuck in a psych ward for a week.  All of those caring, loving attempts to help -- offers for therapy, help with medication, moving back home, etc. -- did nothing but drive me further away.

But I was still able to keep up a facade of normalcy.  Only my closest circle of friends knew what was going on.  Coworkers, family, other aquaintances -- they were all in the dark.  My point here going back to your comment that it was odd that they never noticed her tendencies; when someone is desparate to hide something, they can often keep up the happy face for long periods of time.  Sadly, it always comes crumbling down, and when it does, it ain't pretty.

Obviously everyone differs, but this has just been my experience.



sambamanslilgirl -> RE: Frustration! (9/24/2007 6:22:34 PM)

my opinion - you didn't spend enough quality time getting to know your potential "prospect".  to me, you both were in a rush to start a relationship and training without really knowing her.



SusanofO -> RE: Frustration! (9/24/2007 6:23:24 PM)

Pyrrsefanie: Well I am sorry for your experience, but you are not every other person out there who has had these kinds of troubles.

I can honestly say that if I had been in this situation as a Domme, I would have dragged that sub's butt to an ER and made sure she was checked out and made sure she got back to her place of residence - even if I had to do it while they were kicking and screaming. But that's just me. I have done that for a friend, why not a prospective submissive - aren't they supposed to be friends of a sort? That is the kind of material I consider truly responsible people to be made of.  

People who want to Own someone else need to be willing to take the good parts of that person along with the bad parts. This person turned out to not be the person for them - and that's fine.

BUT - all that aside - I am convinced there are tons of people out there willing to work with someone - as long as its mostly fun, and not that much "work".

It's the folks who can really continue to be willing to help someone, who want to build someone up, not tear them down, and who truly do have a submissives's best interest at heart that have the right to call themsleves responsible Owners.

I am not saying the OP might not be a responsible Owner, in the long run, with the right submissive. Who the hell knows? The post was all about the bad submissive, and mentioned nothing about their own behavior in the situation at all. Maybe they walk on water as prospective Owners, and are genuinely responsible, nice fun people. I dunno. 

Just my two cents.

- Susan



Pyrrsefanie -> RE: Frustration! (9/24/2007 6:25:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

Well I am sorry for your experience, but you are not every other person out there who has had these kinds of troubles. I can honestly say that if I hjad been in this situation, I would have dragged that sub's butt to an ER and made sure she was checked out and made sure she got back to her palce of residence - even if I had to do it while they were kicking and screaming. But that's just me. That is the kind of material I consider truly responsible people to be made of. 


A.) I wasn't looking for pity,
B.) I said in my post, " Obviously everyone differs, but this has just been my experience."  Last line.
C.) You're missing my point.
D.) I'm probably just in a pissy mood due to certain other threads I'm posting in, forgive me, I'm on the warpath.  :P



SusanofO -> RE: Frustration! (9/24/2007 6:27:59 PM)

Well what is your point? Is the point of your post that some other people are (or have been) Bi-polar and-or self-destructive? I know there are many people like that out there.

IMO, somebody who wants to Own someone with these kinds of issues, they best be prepared to help handle them. If not, better to let them go (as the Op did.)

- Susan



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