I Need Some Advice. (Full Version)

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MasterTim2001 -> I Need Some Advice. (9/18/2007 5:03:25 PM)

Hello,im MasterTim from michigan and i have a wonderful slave who i love dearly  and i want to give her the love and support she needs for a lifetime.long before i met her i  had been without a sub or slave for a long time cause no matter how i treated someone,no one seemed to care about getting to know me or even give me a chance.
Last night we had got into a bad fight and it had just drained me down so bad that to just cool down i walked off and just wanted to be alone cause she was wanting to leave me.i have a great heart in me and i truly care,but i feal ive lost alot of my Dominance in me and im trying to regain my fealings,can anyone help me with advice so that i can regain what i once had and rebecome the master i want to be not just for me,but for the women i love.

thanks everyone,
MasterTim.



DiurnalVampire -> RE: I Need Some Advice. (9/18/2007 5:08:31 PM)

Fights happen.  If they rattle your dominance this badly, then maybe you are not truly ready to be someone's Master. I understand that some of them really do get fairly bad, but they are a part of every relationship. Especially if this is a relatively new relationship, you are still learning about one another.  It is difficult to go from having no one for a while to being in full control right away.
Talk to her, get over the fight, make peace and then worry about the D/s. That can grow as you get more comfortable in the relationship.

DV



CelticPrince -> RE: I Need Some Advice. (9/18/2007 5:20:20 PM)

Tim,

A lot of consideration has to go into the choice of a submissive. It does not appear to me that your making that effort of taking time and then more time.

There are always matches for a "D" but it takes time to get past the initial persona that a sub may put up.

note to subs, the same thing is true with "D"s.

CP



RapierFugue -> RE: I Need Some Advice. (9/18/2007 5:22:38 PM)


I just want to check that "Get a grip, you whiny little gaylord" is an acceptable answer, as far as the multiple choice paper is concerned.
 



crouchingtigress -> RE: I Need Some Advice. (9/18/2007 5:46:43 PM)

hi tim, good to see you, and glad you asking for help,

you guys have been together for a couple of years if i remember correctly. This has sort of come up before, in fact it seems like a theme, she needs more dominance and you want help becoming that for her. but do you really want help? i am not judging here but i am really asking from my heart, because if you do there are s o many resources available to you, i would really reccomend your local scene, i know you work non stop but if you can make the time you would both feel like at least the car is going tin the right direction.

you may be able to find some one there that that you can relate too and she will get a little of her BDSM hunger filled too.

BDSM is like a hunger, and it feels like you are littleraly starving at a banquet, when your lover, who was once very in BDSM and introduced it to you, no longer plays with you....that is the most dreadful feeling....you feel like what the hell am i obeying this guy for? where is this thing going?

she really needs a road map, she needs to see you pay more then lip service to the ideas and lifestyle that in a way you promised her.

you need actions and not words at this point because i have been where she is, which is why my heart went out to you both several years ago, and i know how painful and lonely it can be to be starving at what could be a banquet....

i know folks here hate the word mentor, but to have other lifestyle freinds would go a long way to you both getting what you need...you would have the influence of folks living this life...and she would be able to play in her element...

you need some sort of plan, this would be a road map for you to keep on course and for her it would be something to believe in....you cant just get in the car and drive and hope to end up at pismo beach....(obscure bb referance) :)

i hope this thead gives you what you need....i really do....i dont have nearly the time i used to have to mentor folks or for bdsm in general...but i would be happy to talk on the other side to either or both....*s*...ttfn





subinsouth -> RE: I Need Some Advice. (9/18/2007 6:03:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterTim2001

i feal ive lost alot of my Dominance in me 
MasterTim.


MasterTim from Michigan,

If a fight is gonna make you question your Dominance, well, for a submissive, that is just not acceptable Dominant behavior.  A fight is a fight ~ a Dominant is a Dominant ~ a submissive is a submissive. 

She wants to leave?  Buh bye ~ Why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't wanna be there?     

Sorry, just like to call it as I see it. 

Peace Out



Stephann -> RE: I Need Some Advice. (9/18/2007 6:13:16 PM)

Hi Tim,

This will sound harsh.  I hope it rings some truth home to you down the line.

If I were a slave, especially your slave, and I read what you just shared, I wouldn't feel the least bit inspired to follow you.  A dominant is a leader in the relationship.  Sure, you should share your feelings with the person you care about, but in perspective.  I know you're struggling to find that perspective; but what you've just shared with me suggests you're more worried about your girlfriend dumping you, than you are in following your own goals.  Simply put, a slave cannot be your life goal; she'll actively work against you if you try.  You must have goals of your own, and a firm committment to following those goals, for her to feel compelled to serve you.  Grab yourself up, shake yourself off, and start believing in yourself. Believing that your relationship is the only thing worth living for is the quickest way to kill it.  Grab YOUR life by the horns, and she'll notice.  Within a few months, you won't be able to shake the sluts off with a stick.  Confidence, my boy; it's not just for Dominas!

Regards,

Stephan



DivaDuchess -> RE: I Need Some Advice. (9/18/2007 8:00:21 PM)

It sounds like she's a sub not a slave.  I remember you as well from a while ago, another 'fight' and you asking what you had done or what you could do to bring about control again.  First ... you never had control.  This sounds like it began as a D/s kind of 'game' and you fell in love.  Nothing wrong with going a bit vanilla until you BOTH find your feet with each other and with the lifestyle.

Diva




sweetnurseBBW -> RE: I Need Some Advice. (9/18/2007 8:07:44 PM)

Well fights happen and sometimes cooling off before dealing with it is a good thing. Finding others to help you relearn things is good. Maybe some other couples, local groups or other Dominants. Sometimes you need help to get to the place you want to be and I am glad you had the initiative to stand up and admit you need help.



MstrSkyWoIf -> RE: I Need Some Advice. (9/18/2007 8:23:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

Hi Tim,

This will sound harsh.  I hope it rings some truth home to you down the line.

If I were a slave, especially your slave, and I read what you just shared, I wouldn't feel the least bit inspired to follow you.  A dominant is a leader in the relationship.  Sure, you should share your feelings with the person you care about, but in perspective.  I know you're struggling to find that perspective; but what you've just shared with me suggests you're more worried about your girlfriend dumping you, than you are in following your own goals.  Simply put, a slave cannot be your life goal; she'll actively work against you if you try.  You must have goals of your own, and a firm commitment to following those goals, for her to feel compelled to serve you.  Grab yourself up, shake yourself off, and start believing in yourself. Believing that your relationship is the only thing worth living for is the quickest way to kill it.  Grab YOUR life by the horns, and she'll notice.  Within a few months, you won't be able to shake the sluts off with a stick.  Confidence, my boy; it's not just for Dominos!

Regards,

Stephan


 
I second and third what Stephan has written. I wold also add if you want your slave to fallow you you must lead. Fights happen they are not the end of the world. A slave looks to you for guidance, leadership and straight. You can not provide any of these if you doubt yourself. To be truly dominant over her you must stay the corse and lead as if you will be fine with or without her. Let her know you care but also let her understand you will not beg her to stay.



Stephann -> RE: I Need Some Advice. (9/18/2007 8:54:57 PM)

As a brief clarification on SkyWolf's comments,

Letting her know you care, but won't beg her to stay, doesn't stem from a dominant/submissive dynamic.  Nobody feels compelled to remain in a relationship just because they are begged to.  A slave who begs me not to leave her only gives me more fuel to walk away.  A slave who accepts that I must do what is best for me demonstrates strength and confidence; I don't want to remain with someone simply because I'm worried about what they'll do if I leave them.

Regards,

Stephan



KiandPhoenix -> RE: I Need Some Advice. (9/18/2007 10:18:08 PM)

I can't tell you how to get your dominance back, but I can tell you what happens in our house when we fight. It defuses the situation quickly, and leaves us to be adults.

1. The fight gets started, and we figure out we are fighting.
2. We stop and hug. We start at the end of the fight and work back in this way.
3. Then we say "I still love you, even though we don't agree right now" and the other person says "I love you to"
4. We are still hugging usually at this point, but we start talking like rational adults.

By letting the other person know that even though you are fighting, you still love them, and that when the fight is over with you are still going to be together, it takes a lot of the emotional lashing out, completely out of the fight. It can be hard to do, but the results are well worth it.
~Ki



MaamJay -> RE: I Need Some Advice. (9/18/2007 11:05:52 PM)

That's a nice way of dealing with it Ki. Master and i had one of O/our very rare fights yesterday (over music LOL ... i foresaw that in another thread somewhere ... it's one area where His and my expertise are both extensive but from different perspectives and so my submitting to Him on this isn't going to be easily done). It lasted maybe 5-10 mins in terms of the raised voices, then He ordered me to go and calm down. i sloped off to the bedroom and He went outside and did something else very rare ... attacked the weeds! After another 5-10 mins of thinking for me, i went outside and apologised for getting mad and shouting at Him (my Mum's training that BOTH sides always have something to be sorry for stands me in good stead!). He apologised for doing likewise. i had come up with an analogy to put Him in my shoes ... that worked well. Once He had seen my side (which was what the fight was mostly due to), W/we were able to discuss solutions ... and He put the shovel down! i looked at the pile of dug-out weeds and with a BIG grin, suggested maybe i should make Him mad more often! W/we had a good laugh, went back inside to the practice room ... and spent the next 3 hours happily polishing 4 songs and learning 2 new ones. A situation that could have escalated from "this music duo will never work" to "why am I even with you?" was stopped in its tracks, seen for what it was and dealt with in the space of about 30 mins. No continuing hurt feelings, no drama.

Now the OP's fight may have been over something that appears much more serious ... but I have found a lot of fights start from something small and escalate into "I hate you and I don't want to be with you anymore". So how could You have handled it better?
1. Try to nip it in the bud ... let's discuss this later when we are calm is a good start.
2. If that doesn't work and voices are raised ... call a halt. Time out, go and calm down ... but tell the other that's what's happening, don't just walk off. Make it clear you intend to resolve this issue later, that you aren't in denial about it or running away from it.
3. Be prepared to apologise for your part in the dispute. That doesn't mean "giving in" or saying the other person is right if you don't believe them to be. But you had a part in the way it escalated and you can apologise for that. Be prepared to be the first to say sorry, there's strength in that position, not weakness.
4. Then discuss it calmly and try to find ways to help the other person see it from your perspective. I find analogies very helpful when tailored to a situation I know the other is familiar with. When you have both truly seen the other side, it is much easier to find common ground. However, it is also possible to agree to disagree.
5. Finish by being clear of where you still both stand emotionally with each other, even if the best you came to was to agree to disagree.

OK that's conflict resolution 101! But I rather feel the OP has much more serious issues than the fight. Others have questioned His motivation as a Dom and pointed out that He's not really providing an inspiring example to His sub. I agree. However, I have cause to question His motivation for the whole relationship. This sentence is the one that rang alarm bells for Me:

i  had been without a sub or slave for a long time cause no matter how i treated someone,no one seemed to care about getting to know me or even give me a chance.

This smacks of insecurity, self-pity, fear of rejection, trying to "buy" love (not necessarily with money but with deeds), and of taking on this relationship because she was the only one willing to be with Him. This is MAJOR BAD NEWS! I've been on the receiving end of this, felt the pressure and should have given up on it wayyyy earlier than I did. The second time my vanilla marriage "broke up", I asked hubby why he was with me, what about me attracted him. His answer chilled me then ... "You were the only one that bothered with me". It was all about him, not me. However, we discussed it further, he insisted there were lots of other things, and I was persuaded to give it a 3rd try, but with a total change to Me Domme, him sub. It didn't work. He continued to keep on rejecting Me and what I was about, until ultimately his fear of rejection became a self-fulfilling prophecy and I left him. If Your girl is in this position, enslaved to Your insecurity rather than to You ... then I feel for her. It's a cow of a way to live. You have a LOT of work to do on Yourself as a Man and as a Dom (ie Master Yourself) before You will be in a fit state to attract a sub to You and have the wherewithall to control her.

You may not like this advice, but I hope You can see the sense in it. It's offered from a caring heart who hates to see others go through the same shit-heap that she has!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]



xoxi -> RE: I Need Some Advice. (9/19/2007 2:03:32 AM)

You're the boyfriend of gentletigress, correct?

I'm not going to give you advice.  Instead I'm going to tell you what your post says to me - that you have been rejected in the past and are desperately clinging to the one girl who 'gave you a chance' so that you won't be alone.  You see your dominance as relating to a woman, rather than something inherent in you.  You are not a dominant man but rather a man who is dominant toward his woman. 

This is what your girlfriend said a few days ago, and I'm only quoting it here because I think you need to read these words carefully and assess their validity.  OK, maybe I will give a bit of advice.  Let your girl get a job and get set up in her own apartment.  Seriously.  You don't have to break up or anything, just let her go...give her some space...and in doing so, find out where your own legs are so you can stand alone.  The adage "if you love something set it free" is more than lip service - you can't keep love alive by smothering it and locking it in a box to keep forever and ever and ever.

Read what your girl said and let her go.  Take some time for yourself, so you can be the man she wants to come back to...or the man who another woman can come crawling to.  But do it for yourself...you only have the power to improve yourself.  You can't make anyone else feel anything toward you.

quote:

I am currently in a relationship where I am the slave to a Master. I do not feel that He is the best for me any longer, because I feel that I have not grown at all in the lifestyle since meeting Him. 

I cannot discuss this issue with Him because He does not listen. In my mind and thoughts, he has never considered what I want or need, whether in the lifestyle or otherwise. He has a fit anytime I request anything of Him. He has not trained me one day since I met Him. for the past two years (to the day) we have lived in a 7*12 room, He has not been able to keep a job, and has never shown interest in helping me finish my schooling for my highschool diploma (had to drop out because of my bipolarism.)

So here is where I ask for help. I need advice. I am ready to leave this relationship and move on with my life. Unfortunatly,  I have no funds to leave here and return to Texas or someplace else.



sundownhawk -> RE: I Need Some Advice. (9/19/2007 2:28:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterTim2001

...i feal ive lost alot of my Dominance in me and im trying to regain my fealings...


Give her a plane ticket home. You can not be responsible for, care for or nurture a sub until you manage to deal with your own issues. They seem to be issues you must resolve for yourself and not lay in her lap to handle for you. It may hurt you to do this, failing to do this I am sure will continue to hurt her.



ProlificNeeds -> RE: I Need Some Advice. (9/19/2007 5:03:15 AM)

I'm going out on a limb here, if many subs 'feel' submissive, only with someone who inspires that feeling in them, why should it be any different with a Dom? Maybe your sub is not the right match for you if you find yourself struggling to be domly for her. Maybe, you need to worry more about just being yourself, and less about being what the other person wants. So you don't like politics, you enjoy beer and cars, and you only feel dominant under certain circumstances... doesn't mean there's something wrong, or to be fixed, just means you need to find someone who wants you that way, not someone you feel you need to change for. If the areas of conflict actually exist elsewhere and NOT within how dominant you are, then perhaps you should address those issues, instead of worrying how domly you are, or are-not.

Master yourself, before you try to master another.



SirCache -> RE: I Need Some Advice. (9/19/2007 5:52:56 AM)

Personally I get entrenched in being dominant, particularly in a fight.  It sounds like you want to be more than what you are, and that's the real crux of the problem.  It may be best to allow the relationship to end, and really find yourself, see what it is you really want from relationships in general.  There's a good chance you could be a bedroom Dom, but that's it.  You see that every day where people think that their girlfriend wearing a pair of plastic handcuffs makes them a Dom--and I want to emphasize there's nothing wrong with it.

But you can't lead a relationship if one person needs a Dom, and you're only slightly dominating in the bedroom.



toservez -> RE: I Need Some Advice. (9/19/2007 6:50:41 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

Hi Tim,

This will sound harsh.  I hope it rings some truth home to you down the line.

If I were a slave, especially your slave, and I read what you just shared, I wouldn't feel the least bit inspired to follow you.  A dominant is a leader in the relationship.  Sure, you should share your feelings with the person you care about, but in perspective.  I know you're struggling to find that perspective; but what you've just shared with me suggests you're more worried about your girlfriend dumping you, than you are in following your own goals.  Simply put, a slave cannot be your life goal; she'll actively work against you if you try.  You must have goals of your own, and a firm committment to following those goals, for her to feel compelled to serve you.  Grab yourself up, shake yourself off, and start believing in yourself. Believing that your relationship is the only thing worth living for is the quickest way to kill it.  Grab YOUR life by the horns, and she'll notice.  Within a few months, you won't be able to shake the sluts off with a stick.  Confidence, my boy; it's not just for Dominas!

Regards,

Stephan



I agree with most of this.

From what I am guessing from the OP and what others seem to know that if you have been together two years then the relationship for the most part is what it is. Now whether both of you are not compatible in the power exchange area or there are other issues and both of you are using the power exchange part to mask them I do not know but what Stephan wrote is certainly true both of you firmly believe you are in the roles you represent and as the dominant you are the alpha and that comes with leadership responsibilities and taking charge of problem solving is one of those responsibilities.

At some point in all relationships, and my personal opinion two years seems well past this point, two people should be happy and comfortable just being themselves. Two people have mutual responsibility to create an atmosphere in a relationship they both want. I do not cast judgment of one not being dominant or submissive enough, but in my opinion if it is the main problem or one of many problems is that neither one of you can get the other to the place that makes them happy and needs met in a power exchange relationship then you both better work on this issue together or both of you need to come to grips with what the relationship actually is and if you two care enough to keep it going. I must say though from the OP it sounds more of being afraid of not having a power exchange relationship then being in the right power exchange relationship.

Lin





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