Newbie seeks starter advice (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

joehandey -> Newbie seeks starter advice (9/18/2007 6:53:31 AM)

Hi. I posted on "Introduce Yourself" but I didn't get any responses, so I thought I'd try here.

I'm unfamiliar with "the lifestyle", although I've played games of a D/s kind (mainly verbal/online) with women for years. Ultimately, I'm on CM to find the right woman to continue these games with, and take them to new levels. (Hopefully I'll make some good friends along the way.)

I have two questions:

1. My profile hasn't generated many inquiries (it hardly even gets viewed); and so far my messages haven't gotten any answers. I understand that males don't get approached or responded to anything like as often as females, but I wonder if there's some problem with mine that I'm not aware of. I'd take it very kindly if a submissive woman, or anybody with a lot of CM experience, would give me some suggestions.

2. I often see profiles of women who appeal to me, but they're speaking a language I don't understand when they talk about wanting to be "trained", and how many years in the lifestyle they have. How do the men who train these women learn what they teach? Is it in books? Do you have to see it in person at clubs and parties? Or is it mostly just a metaphor for the Dom/sub relationship, without any fixed curriculum?

Thanks in advance.
-Joe




LATEXBABY64 -> RE: Newbie seeks starter advice (9/18/2007 7:00:37 AM)

Just be yourself and treat others honestly and openly. That is the main rule...



came4U -> RE: Newbie seeks starter advice (9/18/2007 7:06:04 AM)

Your profile is a lil short of 'stuff' for my tastes.  I cannot speak for others.  It is good in that it is short, sweet and to the point though and you have a picture, many don't. Maybe be specific if you prefer a submissive to learn with you or an experienced one who prefers training from the bottom up is more to your liking?? 

But, as LatexBaby said, be yourself and have fun.  Build that profile, she will come.



joehandey -> RE: Newbie seeks starter advice (9/18/2007 7:25:34 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U
Maybe be specific if you prefer a submissive to learn with you or an experienced one who prefers training from the bottom up is more to your liking?? 


Thanks to both of you. I didn't know there were any submissives who liked to train from the bottom up, but it sounds good to me :) Although "learning together" sounds good too... In the end I would think it always comes down to two people learning about each other, no?




came4U -> RE: Newbie seeks starter advice (9/18/2007 7:29:31 AM)

Dunno, up to you.  You name it, there is someone who will 'try' something. You won't know unless you read their profile, maybe it mentions specifics about them wanting an experienced dominant only, or just the opposite and they are flexable to newbies.  Good luck.



AquaticSub -> RE: Newbie seeks starter advice (9/18/2007 7:40:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: joehandey

1. My profile hasn't generated many inquiries (it hardly even gets viewed); and so far my messages haven't gotten any answers. I understand that males don't get approached or responded to anything like as often as females, but I wonder if there's some problem with mine that I'm not aware of. I'd take it very kindly if a submissive woman, or anybody with a lot of CM experience, would give me some suggestions.

I'd like to see more on your profile. What hobbies do you have, what books do you like reading, do you like to go on lots of tiny trips? For me, a profile needs to have the information that will tell me that I at least have something in common with the other person. Something that we can talk about, other than BDSM.
quote:


2. I often see profiles of women who appeal to me, but they're speaking a language I don't understand when they talk about wanting to be "trained", and how many years in the lifestyle they have. How do the men who train these women learn what they teach? Is it in books? Do you have to see it in person at clubs and parties? Or is it mostly just a metaphor for the Dom/sub relationship, without any fixed curriculum?


That very much depends on the woman. Ask her what she means by it. For me, training is simply learning how to do the things that Valyraen wants and doing things the way that he wants him. For others, training is learning complicated kneel positions and complicated rituals meant to show devotation. You might be well served by figuring out what you want to teach.

Hope this is helpful to you in some way,
Aqua



Jayxkes -> RE: Newbie seeks starter advice (9/18/2007 7:44:22 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: joehandey

quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U
Maybe be specific if you prefer a submissive to learn with you or an experienced one who prefers training from the bottom up is more to your liking?? 


Thanks to both of you. I didn't know there were any submissives who liked to train from the bottom up, but it sounds good to me :) Although "learning together" sounds good too... In the end I would think it always comes down to two people learning about each other, no?



When I first started out,  my sub taught me an enormous amount.  She had years of experience shared it,  which saved me an awful lot of time and stopped me making mistakes!!
I've learned something from every sub I've had.

My suggestion is not to rely on the web to find someone.  Get out as much as you can into the local BDSM community.  Get to know people and chances are that will do the trick.

I met CT after having seen her profiles on here and IC.  I memoed her about the munch I help manage and met her on her first visit there.  Though I wasn't actively looking for a second sub,  it soon became clear that we had alot to offer each other.  The rest, as they say, is history.

CM, IC and other web sites are good for learning the basics, asking questions and becoming familiar with the language.  Just apply lots of common sense and an occasional pinch of salt!  Most of what's said is good and serious,  some however do offer very strange advice.



RRafe -> RE: Newbie seeks starter advice (9/18/2007 7:55:47 AM)

I never got anywhere as a newb until I had spent over a year out in a local community.



joehandey -> RE: Newbie seeks starter advice (9/18/2007 8:21:32 AM)

I'm learning a lot!

Jayxkes, sorry, what is IC?

As for getting out in the community, any suggestions for a first step? (I live in Western Maryland, not far from DC.)

Thanks all.





AquaticSub -> RE: Newbie seeks starter advice (9/18/2007 8:26:15 AM)

If you are willing to go into DC, you should be able to find a ton of munches to attend. I would suggest googling your location and the words "munch" or "BDSM".



toservez -> RE: Newbie seeks starter advice (9/18/2007 8:32:36 AM)

I will echo what others have already said that being patient and true to yourself are the two biggest keys.

I read over your profile my own personal opinion based on my tastes:

Good: Honesty and written in a way that makes you come off as intelligent.

Bad: Minimal information in general and especially of the reality type.

The horrifying truth that most males acknowledge but rarely factor in on personal sites is that you have competition from every man who writes the same women you do. This medium you cannot compare to a bar and a one paragraph profile an opening line, you simply need to do more.

I think most women want to know about you, about you as a dominant, what you are looking for in a woman and what you want in a submissive. Your profile does not give any of that information when you factor in the obvious as what person does not want an other to be intelligent and engaging to them mentally? Length is often debated and too long can be just as bad as too short but effort and revealing of yourself are not based on volume.

Learning/training and all that is not a one way or this has to be done situation not that some might preach that. While I encourage you to seek out your local community that does not have to be necessary but would give you a better feel of the people who are into this life that sometimes just reading on the Internet distorts.

That being said a submissive woman who will call you her one wants to be “trained”/conditioned to how you want her to act and behave within the parameters of your relationship. This is not a to change a personality as much as a life and atmosphere of a more formal nature then a “regular” relationship. Most, not all, into this life are not looking for a “natural” relationship where just their natural personality serves in a very submissive way while their “natural” dominant leads in a natural way as people like that do not need this life to get that. Most into this particular life are looking for a bigger power exchange and require effort of the mental and physical from all parties to achieve it.



HollyBlue -> RE: Newbie seeks starter advice (9/18/2007 8:52:23 AM)

Joe,

In terms of learning, I would strongly recommend you start by doing some reading as well as interacting with people on this site and/or possibly in real life. Probably the most helpful book my Master and I read was Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns, by Phillip Miller and Molly Devon.

My Master has also gained some helpful insights (and practical instruction) from The Loving Dominant, by John Warren.

There are some BDSM Internet sites that have articles about various topics which we've found helpful, as well -- just keep in mind you are reading one person's opinion, and if it's a smaller or private site, they might not have as broad a perspective. Still, I think the more information you absorb, the better able you will be to discern what resonates with you, and what doesn't.

I don't know what Collar Me's policy is on posting links to other BDSM sites, so I won't post any here, but please feel free to send me a private message if you'd like me to send you some specific links.

I wish you the best on your journey of discovery!

Holly



RCdc -> RE: Newbie seeks starter advice (9/18/2007 9:02:27 AM)

I took a look at your profile (this is the.dark. here posting) and from my POV you come across articulate and well mannered in the short piece you have written, but there is little to it - there is no indication on what you like to do - maybe either fill out the hobbies section or edit it into your profile - like whether you enjoy fine meals, or what type of books your enjoy.
 
Posting on the message board, even infrequently, will gain you more views on your profile - if you can spare the time.
 
You have a good profile photograph, but I would encourage more.
 
Of course, try out your local groups - google can aid you there or keep an eye on the events section of this forum.  Munches are informal settings, parties and clubs are more adventurous - just see where you fit in.  Some people do not participate in 'the public scene' at all - but just be aware that finding someone or people in your local area will be limited if you rely purely on a forum such as this.
 
Do not be discouraged by the fact that you haven't years of 'lifestyle' behind you.  Not everyone desires someone who thinks they know it all.  For terms - search the forum here, or try something like the Deviants Dictionary. Which should help assist you with some terms.  Don;t be afraid to ask questions and above all enjoy yourself and be true to yourself.  Trying to be something someone wants you to be never works in the longer term.
 
Your profile is new - so don't feel like you should have had lots and lots of views and been approched many times by now.
 
Peace
the.dark.



breatheasone -> RE: Newbie seeks starter advice (9/18/2007 11:07:17 AM)

D.C. has a thriving BDSM community...you should do well there...good luck to you. Check out the Black Rose society.



iammachine -> RE: Newbie seeks starter advice (9/18/2007 12:38:23 PM)

I'm feeling lazy, and I really should be doing homework instead of tinkering around on the forums.

So, I'll just link a previous post of mine on a very similar topic.

Clicky the linky

I also talk about this kinda stuff a lot in my blog, since I'm working on compiling stuff for a guide-like article.

Now, calculus... it calls to me.



SirCache -> RE: Newbie seeks starter advice (9/18/2007 2:18:28 PM)

It takes time, and sometimes the best way to find someone is to mail people whose profiles do interest you.  Like anything else, opportunity crops up in the strangest places.



bipolarber -> RE: Newbie seeks starter advice (9/18/2007 3:30:35 PM)

A few general observations:
First, on profiles:
1) make sure you spell everything correctly.
2) talk generally about what you're looking for, but don't get too specific.
3) a photo always helps.
4) you are right that women generally don't respond out of the blue. You have to be proactive, and make a few polite, honest messages to the people you are interested in.

On "Trianing":
Generally speaking "training" means that they are looking to adapt themselves to your wants, needs and desires. They want, once in a relationship with you, to find out how you like them to be: How they should dress, how they should speak, smell, and behave, in order to please you. Just as one dog trainer differs greatly from another, so one Dom's techniques will vary from another's. Reading up on the basics, (I suggest Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns, too, and the Topping Book, by Dossie Easton and Katherine Liszt) you just experiment and explore with a willing partner. (These can be some of the most fun and exciting times, at the beginning, if you take the approach that it IS supposed to be fun.)
The other thing I would strongly suggest is getting in touch with your local community. Go to a few munches, and go to a few play parties... ask questions, and be polite. Doms often LOVE showing off their knowhow on bondage, whipping, their own training techniques... You'll learn a lot, and make some really great new friends! (Who knows, maybe even bump into a potential partner.. or two.)



OresteOnLeash -> RE: Newbie seeks starter advice (9/20/2007 1:37:49 PM)

From where I am - sub male with some experience in another country and newbie here - a couple of things seems true accross the board.

I'm consistently getting 1/3 of my emails not replied at all, 1/3 replied but without any real interest, 1/3 replied with some kind of interest - out of which probably again 1/3 survive after a few weeks. 

I'm careful to craft polite, precise and well thought messages. I'm not complaining about it and certainly not will not try to be more pushy, that's useless.

So patience (and a lot of contacts) seems to be the name of the game .. 

.. and being as authentic as possible -- you probably immediately feel something is wrong when a message is a little too well targeted, and so do the ladies you are talking to .. with the experience, they have "learned" to recognize patterns, to react intuitively to all components of a msg - contents, format, date/time, elaps time since the last one .. all of that creates a first impression .. we are labeled very quickly ..

 



LadyLynx -> RE: Newbie seeks starter advice (9/20/2007 3:25:32 PM)

Ok, I hope you don't think this is harsh, but I think you have  a pic that shows your whole face,  alittle farther back.  And having lots of photos with you in different clothing,moods, times of day/night. Holding a paddle or a flogger can be good too. (though learn how to use them, don't want to be accused of false advertising.  Like the others said, participate in the forums as much as you can!  In emails make sure you read her profile before writing, and include segments that show that you have done that. (I know I definately apprieciate it when a guy does that!)Don't send "On your knees,slut" type of messages.  Avoid one word / liners in general! Write a paragraph. some people say do include bdsm interests, others say not to. Go with your gut on that one. Anyways, If I were a sub, single and living in your area, I would definately want to get to know you better! ;)



mistressdiva137 -> RE: Newbie seeks starter advice (9/24/2007 2:43:57 PM)

you seem like a very nice and intelligant man, I however do agree with everyone that if you fill in your profile more and let people know your interests then they will know whether they could possibley connect with you. You should start meeting people soon, just give it time.



Page: [1] 2   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.046875