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SusanofO -> RE: Submissive, or Dominant? (9/17/2007 11:40:18 PM)
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Why can't you be a Switch? I am, and it seems it might solve your dilemma. It is only "wishy-washy" IMO, if someone doesn't know how to separate the two roles, so they are Dominant when they are partners with a sub (and only Dominant), and submissive (and only submissive) when they are with a Dominant.
Any Dominant who knows I am a Switch (and I tell any upfront) has always been willing for me to see a sub male on the side, to satisfy any Dominant needs I have (and ditto for the sub male - they've said they don't mind if I see a Dominant once in awhile). Granted one partner or the other is usually the primary partner, but as long as they realize you have other needs, and are willing to work with you to see they are met, IMO, it doesn't have to cause a problem.
Do you have much personal evidence that you yourself, simply cannot achieve this? In my experience, it's not difficult if you are even halfway turned on by your partner, and want them to enjoy the scene as much as you are. Unless you are fully convinced that you simppy haven't the capacity at all to do this, I suggest experimenting with trying it again, to make sure.
IMO, if someone truly feels inclined in both directions, the idea they should have to choose one orientation, simply to satisfy a potential pool of partners is, IMO, ridiculous. People who don't like Switches will stay away from you, and so what? Do you want them anyway?
I've found no shortage of potential partners being a Switch. How many "potentials" do you need? Hundreds? Or will ten to twenty do? Because you will get mail from probably that many folks (maybe lots more, like fifty) who simply won't care that you're a Switch.
How many partners do you intend to have at once, if losing potential partners due to declaring yourself a Switch is a concern? I know I can only see one person at a time (two at the most, as what I'd consider a primary partner in the sense I want to spend lots of time with them) - otherwise, things get confusing and way too hectic for me in my personal life.
There are some Switches who can and don't mind (and in fact want) their partner to "switch roles" within the same scene. I have done this (once), but in my experience, the people who want that circumstance all the time (or even part of the time) are pretty rare.
P.S. I concluded I was actually a Switch when I realized that I truly spent about half of my "fantasizing time" re: BDSM thinking about being a Domme, even though at that point I'd never yet acted on my fantasies. Most female subs I know don't ever, ever have these kinds of fantasies at all.
I still have plenty of submissive fantasies, though. I consider myself a real, true Switch - not someone "progressing toward full-time Domme". I still really enjoy being a femsub, too.
But I generally stay completely away from expecting a sub male to "Dom" me in any way, or for a Dominant man to be submissive (or even concerned with "equality" for me), in a relationship.
I don't think it's fair to ask a partner to do these kinds of things, unless they are a Switch as well (and they also want to do it).
One other thing that crossed my mind, though: Are you really "Wanting it your way" because you want to control the scene almost fully, a lot of the time?
Or was that this last Master simply telling you you are that way (because he is trying to change the way you behave as his submissive, but you still actually feel submissive a lot of the time, if not most of the time, toward him,) in reality?If he is, IMO insinuating by it that you are a "brat", somehow, maybe you aren't actually a Domme.
Way (IMO) to tell better if you are: Do you fantasize about controlling the BDSM scene generally, or is it just particular little things you do, that he considers "topping from the bottom" he get s annoyed with? because to me, statements like this can be very relative. To me, a key way to tell would be your fantasies in general. In them, are you a Domme much of the time? If so, but if you also still have many (or some) femsub fantasies, then maybe you really are a Switch.
Because there is no comparison, and the two mind-sets ("brat" or someome who occasioanlly "tops from the bottom" or attempts it Switch) are very different kettles of fish, IMO.
The other possibility is that you are a femsub bottom (someone who wants to be submissive ina scene, but has no desire for a D/s relationship, really, as a femsub with a Dom being in charge, outside of a scene).
I don't see any of these possibilities as "bad" or "good" - simply as choices. And you can identify which one might fit you best. They can change over time, too (I didn't always identify as a Switch, but IMO, that was mostly due to a lack of experience and self-knowledge). I think I will remian a Switch (the evidence is there, for me) but if not, I won't jump off a tall building with disapppointment.
- Susan
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