stressing over being cared for

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proudsub -> stressing over being cared for (9/17/2007 1:54:33 PM)
I know others have posted about this before.. When I have my hip replacement in Nov. Hubby will have to care for me for quite a while and take over most of the household chores. He has never done any of this before and i am stressed out over it. He's never cooked anything, never washed a dish, never cleaned, never done laundry except in college 40 yrs ago, never fed the cat, never even taken out the garbage. I plan to have everything in as good of shape as possible before the surgery. Thank goodness the yard won't need much attention that time of year. I will buy some healthy frozen meals but that can get very old real fast, will also buy a lot of paper plates. I will feel so useless it's really bothering me. Any suggestions?

Bobkgin -> RE: stressing over being cared for (9/17/2007 2:00:09 PM)
Yes. Tell him men have been surviving on their own for tens of thousands of years, and it is time he learned to do the same. If necessary, write out instructions and post them in a prominent place so he doesn't keep bugging you about how he does this or that. Sorry for being testy, but I don't do the 'helpless man in the house' and I've little patience for men who can't or won't learn.

toservez -> RE: stressing over being cared for (9/17/2007 2:03:39 PM)
I am wondering if that is going to be more painful after the major pain from the surgery has subsided. My .02 suggestion is to try to give him some slack whether you communicate it outwards or say nothing to him but think it in your mind. I would imagine after you doing it all these years stuff will done different or not get done that will drive you crazy in addition to not being able to take of your one so it will only add to your discomfort. I would also, of course this is coming from a nurse, make sure when you start doing more of your things is because you can and are allowed to by your doctors and not about guilt. Your Master will probably know the difference and do not worry him more by him thinking you are pushing yourself when I am sure he will not want you to.

heartfeltsub -> RE: stressing over being cared for (9/17/2007 2:07:05 PM)
This is just a suggestion and i don't know if it is helpful in your situation, but when i have been laid up in the past or had submissive friends who were laid up, we would train off helping each other out by picking up some of the workload. For example, maybe cooking some meals for each other or coming in to do some cleaning, whatever you might feel would be most helpful. Like i said, i don't know if where you live you have lifestyle community around you or someone you could trust with those tasks, but it is a thought. Edited to add, as you mentioned a hip replacement, i don't know how much mobility you currently have, but it might be helpful to start making some meals ahead (Casseroles or pasta dishes) and freezing them. Maybe making one more dinner a week or something so that by the time that Nov. comes you have a couple of weeks worth of meals made up. heartfelt

SubJordanTyler -> RE: stressing over being cared for (9/17/2007 2:08:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Bobkgin Yes. Tell him men have been surviving on their own for tens of thousands of years, and it is time he learned to do the same. If necessary, write out instructions and post them in a prominent place so he doesn't keep bugging you about how he does this or that. Sorry for being testy, but I don't do the 'helpless man in the house' and I've little patience for men who can't or won't learn. Exactly...........I live on my own and have for years. I do everything - cook, clean, take out the garbage, do laundry, pay bills, shop, etc. And this is while going to school and working at the same time. I agree he needs to learn. Besides, what is it they say in the marriage vows?? For better or for worse, in sickness and in health. He needs to live up to that. If it was my wife in that situation, you better believe I'd do whatever was needed to help her through that time as easy as painless as possible for her. It's what you do.

MistressSassy66 -> RE: stressing over being cared for (9/17/2007 2:10:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: proudsub I know others have posted about this before.. When I have my hip replacement in Nov. Hubby will have to care for me for quite a while and take over most of the household chores. He has never done any of this before and i am stressed out over it. He's never cooked anything, never washed a dish, never cleaned, never done laundry except in college 40 yrs ago, never fed the cat, never even taken out the garbage. I plan to have everything in as good of shape as possible before the surgery. Thank goodness the yard won't need much attention that time of year. I will buy some healthy frozen meals but that can get very old real fast, will also buy a lot of paper plates. I will feel so useless it's really bothering me. Any suggestions? I can see why your stressed. If he hasnt taken care of himself in 40 years,how could he possibly care for another. I would ask a friend or family for help,providing they can and know about your Lifestyle.

mmb1 -> RE: stressing over being cared for (9/17/2007 2:14:26 PM)
If he loves you, he will figure out a way, afterall, we don't relinquish all for no reason, there is sunshine as well as clouds:) I hope all goes well for you :)

SirCache -> RE: stressing over being cared for (9/17/2007 2:41:42 PM)
The greatest power a Dom can wield is not in what is exerted over a sub, but in the strength of himself. Definitely have friends help, and as others have said--cook many meals ahead of time. Show him some of the basics, and write out what you can so that he can build on his own confidence. It's going to be hard for him, but the last thing a Dom should be is utterly helpless in keeping the home--and his sub--healthy.

Bobkgin -> RE: stressing over being cared for (9/17/2007 2:45:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub (Casseroles or pasta dishes) and freezing them. Maybe making one more dinner a week or something so that by the time that Nov. comes you have a couple of weeks worth of meals made up. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think a hip-replacement heals in a couple of weeks. More like six months?

toservez -> RE: stressing over being cared for (9/17/2007 2:49:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Bobkgin quote: ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub (Casseroles or pasta dishes) and freezing them. Maybe making one more dinner a week or something so that by the time that Nov. comes you have a couple of weeks worth of meals made up. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think a hip-replacement heals in a couple of weeks. More like six months? Depends on the person, but certainly way more then two weeks but less than six months to do a lot of things but more than six months from no restrictions. Not my area but probably a good three months before even having a chance at doing the basic chores of a house without help.

BitaTruble -> RE: stressing over being cared for (9/17/2007 3:05:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: proudsub I know others have posted about this before.. When I have my hip replacement in Nov. Hubby will have to care for me for quite a while and take over most of the household chores. He has never done any of this before and i am stressed out over it. He's never cooked anything, never washed a dish, never cleaned, never done laundry except in college 40 yrs ago, never fed the cat, never even taken out the garbage. I plan to have everything in as good of shape as possible before the surgery. Thank goodness the yard won't need much attention that time of year. I will buy some healthy frozen meals but that can get very old real fast, will also buy a lot of paper plates. I will feel so useless it's really bothering me. Any suggestions? I'm rather surprised at some of the responses here. To me, this is a question about 'you', not about your husband, at least if I understand your question correctly. Okay, some of the things you can do to feel more useful while you're laid up. Hmm.. how about doing some crafts, perhaps selling them on Ebay? Use that money to hire some help around the house so your husband doesn't have to do it all alone? Organize some help before the surgery.. getting together a calender of when and who can help, what days, what they can do. Organizing is a great skill and even if you can't participate, directing the operations so your husband can concentrate on other things can help you towards feeling useful. There are some things you'll be able to do even if laid up in bed (once you feel well enough to sit up and such.) Polish silverware, keep the checkbook balanced, make sure his favorite shows are being recorded in case he gets caught up and misses them, write letters to friends and family to keep them posted of what's going on, in addition to making crafts for sale you can also make them for holiday gifts, learn how to do something you don't do now (or haven't been able to do because you've been too busy taking care of everything else!) .. knit, sew, crochet .. things like that. Good luck, proud! Celeste

proudsub -> RE: stressing over being cared for (9/17/2007 4:11:00 PM)
Thank you all for the replies and suggestions. Those who said He should learn these things anyway are right, i have spoiled Him way too much over the years. I will show Him some basics before the surgery, and will write out some instructions. quote: I would imagine after you doing it all these years stuff will done different or not get done that will drive you crazy in addition to not being able to take of your one so it will only add to your discomfort. I would also, of course this is coming from a nurse, make sure when you start doing more of your things is because you can and are allowed to by your doctors and not about guilt. Your Master will probably know the difference and do not worry him more by him thinking you are pushing yourself when I am sure he will not want you to. Thank you toservez, you are absolutely right and i will be careful of that. quote: This is just a suggestion and i don't know if it is helpful in your situation, but when i have been laid up in the past or had submissive friends who were laid up, we would train off helping each other out by picking up some of the workload. Good idea but we are very private about our lifestyle. My daughter will help when she can. quote: i don't know how much mobility you currently have, but it might be helpful to start making some meals ahead (Casseroles or pasta dishes) and freezing them I plan to do that but unfortunately our freezer is very small. Hubby will probably get a lot of take out for us. quote: If it was my wife in that situation, you better believe I'd do whatever was needed to help her through that time as easy as painless as possible for her. It's what you do. Oh i know He will do what He has to, it just bothers me that He has to. quote: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think a hip-replacement heals in a couple of weeks. More like six months? It's 1-2 weeks needing full time care; 6 weeks for driving; 4-6 weeks using a walker, then a cane for a few more months. quote: To me, this is a question about 'you', not about your husband, at least if I understand your question correctly. Thank you celeste, you are right but i still appreciate all the other suggestions. Thank you also for the suggestions of ways to feel useful. I do plan to continue taking care of our finances; all my silver needs polishing so that is a good idea; when i can sit long enough at the computer i will do more to help Him with some aspects of His business, there is a lot He still wants me to learn. The crafts are a good idea but probably just for myself not to sell, maybe make some Xmas decorations, will add that to my list of things to buy ahead of time.

Rover -> RE: stressing over being cared for (9/17/2007 4:17:33 PM)
My own suggestion is to talk this issue over with your husband/Master. I presume you look to him for guidance, and I have no doubt that he can determine for himself how best to handle this situation. How any of us may decide to handle this in our own relationship dynamic means absolutely nothing. None of us (and I mean none of us) know your specific relationship dynamic and have any right to be deciding what is or isn't "right" for you. John

celticlord2112 -> RE: stressing over being cared for (9/17/2007 4:26:24 PM)
I would suggest both of you say "I'm sorry" ahead of time for everything that's going to get done wrong over that initial recovery period when he's having to do everything you have been accustomed to handling. Realize that he's going to do everything "all wrong", he's going to put everything in all the wrong places, yet you're going to have to let him win every argument about whether you can get up and do it yourself--because your recovery will rather insist on it! Submissive or not, he's moving into your "space" for a time, and that's not going to be entirely comfortable for either of you. Recognize disorientation for what it is and don't let it disrupt your core dynamic more than necessary. A lesson I learned some time back from a slave who assured me that if I wanted dinner on the table in a timely fashion I should get my domly ass out of the kitchen! [;)]

breatheasone -> RE: stressing over being cared for (9/17/2007 4:32:23 PM)
Proudsub...i feel for you, i do. I am very sorry you are having trouble with your hip and i hope the surgery helps...When i was with my Master on one of His trips i got a migraine.It was awful. He brought me ice packs for my head...made me tea...it was terrible!!! i felt SO guilty...He assured me that taking care of His property was a joy to Him...that helped...i realize you will be needing care ALOT longer...but i do empathize with you some...i wish you a speedy and as painless as possible recovery. [sm=flowers.gif] Sincerely, Candy

Cyntilating -> RE: stressing over being cared for (9/17/2007 5:38:05 PM)
Proudsub I'm sorry that I am responding to this a little late, But I wanted to also include my well wishes for a speedy recovery..Hope all goes well ... a dear friend of mine had hip replacement 3 years ago...It is a long tedious process( as Im sure youve been advised ) of important recovery and rehab...her family really had to step up and help and she had to LET them help and do for her........but she says it was worth it all to get her abilities back and do away with all the pain she was in.. I also really liked what Candy added....when her master re-assured her that taking care of his property is a joy.. : ) wishes for a fast but thorough healing.. smiles

Celeste43 -> RE: stressing over being cared for (9/17/2007 5:49:17 PM)
Hire a housekeeper to come in once a week. Really. It will allow him a learning curve in keeping things in shape between her visits and alleviate your stress at living in a pigsty because he doesn't know what to do. They also sell books about learning to cook and clean. Look on amazon and get him some. That way he can study up without having to come running to you all the time. It's a long recovery, good luck getting back on your feet.

thetammyjo -> RE: stressing over being cared for (9/17/2007 5:59:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BitaTruble quote: ORIGINAL: proudsub I know others have posted about this before.. When I have my hip replacement in Nov. Hubby will have to care for me for quite a while and take over most of the household chores. He has never done any of this before and i am stressed out over it. He's never cooked anything, never washed a dish, never cleaned, never done laundry except in college 40 yrs ago, never fed the cat, never even taken out the garbage. I plan to have everything in as good of shape as possible before the surgery. Thank goodness the yard won't need much attention that time of year. I will buy some healthy frozen meals but that can get very old real fast, will also buy a lot of paper plates. I will feel so useless it's really bothering me. Any suggestions? I'm rather surprised at some of the responses here. To me, this is a question about 'you', not about your husband, at least if I understand your question correctly. Okay, some of the things you can do to feel more useful while you're laid up. Hmm.. how about doing some crafts, perhaps selling them on Ebay? Use that money to hire some help around the house so your husband doesn't have to do it all alone? Organize some help before the surgery.. getting together a calender of when and who can help, what days, what they can do. Organizing is a great skill and even if you can't participate, directing the operations so your husband can concentrate on other things can help you towards feeling useful. There are some things you'll be able to do even if laid up in bed (once you feel well enough to sit up and such.) Polish silverware, keep the checkbook balanced, make sure his favorite shows are being recorded in case he gets caught up and misses them, write letters to friends and family to keep them posted of what's going on, in addition to making crafts for sale you can also make them for holiday gifts, learn how to do something you don't do now (or haven't been able to do because you've been too busy taking care of everything else!) .. knit, sew, crochet .. things like that. Good luck, proud! Celeste I think these are excellent suggestions, Celeste. Regardless of Ds role or orientation I think it can be very difficult of some of us to let go of our responsibilities even when it is what is best for us. I am terrible at this myself. One thing I have done is make a to do list that consists of things that I can do. For example when I broke my foot I had a list of books to read and daily check ins with everyone in the house. This gave me something to do but also made sure I stayed in touch with everyone even when I didn't need to to fetch for me.

cloudboy -> RE: stressing over being cared for (9/17/2007 6:03:02 PM)
If you have the money, maybe you could hire out some help. Keep in mind the situation is temporary, and a little role reversal might be fun. Psychologically, too, know that your being sidelined serves a greater purpose of you having improved health and mobility. This will make you more "useful" on the back end. And as a real non sequitor, if I were your neighbor, I would have loved to pitch in to help somehow.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: stressing over being cared for (9/17/2007 6:03:19 PM)
Train him well, and then be happy in doing such a great job in your service that he finds no problems in stepping up to the plate when called upon. It's very hard not to feel a loss of self when we lose a lot of what we DO which brings us fulfillment, and especially so when it calls upon OTHERS to do it FOR us as well. But you must simply look deeper to the strength you have together- who you are is NOT what you do, what your relationship is is NOT who does the cooking. You'll be fine.

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