Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM involvement? (Full Version)

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Dom87110 -> Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM involvement? (9/10/2007 12:34:16 PM)

This is a spin-off from the post "Nosy Friends".

From your personal experiences and observations, when talking to vanilla friends and family have you found that it is easier for Doms/Masters to be open about their BDSM involvement than it is for subs/slaves?

For me, the high need for preserving the secrecy of BDSM involvement of sub (in said post) was very hard to understand. Is it only easier for me as a dominant male to be more open about my involvement? Or have other Doms/Dommes/Masters/Mistresses found a similar difference in behavior between domninant and submissive individuals?



came4U -> RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM involvement? (9/10/2007 12:35:40 PM)

lol now you open this..I answered you over in the other thread

I said:
quote:

I would think it is harder for a Dominant male.

After decades of society trying to re-wire men to be more caring and passive uhhg and the feminists that would jump all over a guy. Even TV commercials with a man being henpecked 'pussify' the male species and are IMO downright ball-knocking and disturbing.

Yet, there are some women I know, who cannot believe or picture me acting submissive to anyone and have tried to talk me out of it thinking I had lost my mind.



Dom87110 -> RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM involvement? (9/10/2007 12:37:02 PM)

:>D

I'll go read your response over there.



mercmjm -> RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM involvement? (9/10/2007 12:38:20 PM)

it would defintely be harder for a dominant male, we come off as rapists



came4U -> RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM involvement? (9/10/2007 12:40:12 PM)

This is like phone tag. Yer it!

quote:

For me, the high need for preserving the secrecy of BDSM involvement of sub (in said post) was very hard to understand. Is it only easier for me as a dominant male to be more open about my involvement? Or have other Doms/Dommes/Masters/Mistresses found a similar difference in behavior between domninant and submissive individuals?


I assume you mean if you are single, you are asking if you should tell others (vanilla or not)?

It depends if they could handle it, I suppose and if you feel their judgement might sway a relationship to a different (negative) direction in their perception of you.

but, on a side note, no, I wouldn't want my Dominant (if i had one lol) to tell his co-workers what we do.  Nor would I tell mine. Close friends, sure.  Lifestylers would not be in the picture for me.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM involvement? (9/10/2007 12:40:32 PM)

I think it's easiest when your position in your relationship most closely matches up with what cultural standards dictate for your particular group.

Cultural standards these days call for women to be in control and powerful, while still nurturing and supportive, and for males to be strong and secure, but ultimately subservient to the female.

Add that onto the stereotypes of kinky people- male doms are monstrous sadists, fem doms are bitches with a grudge, fem subs are traitors to the feminist agenda weaklings, and male subs are total doormats, it gets to be not very fun for anyone.

The interesting thing of course is that people IN the scene are just as likely to hold these stereotypical notions as people NOT in the scene.



DiurnalVampire -> RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM involvement? (9/10/2007 12:41:38 PM)

In my experience, it is just as hard for a Dominant as it is for a submissive.  There are a whole different set of misconceptions, but there is very little understanding.
I am a Dominant female. Not a bitch, not a freak for enjoying hurting someone. I am not an abuser even if I do beat my boys. I am not a pedofile even if Angel is infantalized. I am not a shrew even if I am controlling.

My boys are submissive, but not weak. If they come out thats the automatic assumption.  They are too weak to be the ones in charge, so I am. 

Catch 22

DV



xoxi -> RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM involvement? (9/10/2007 12:42:10 PM)

I would think it's probably easiest for a Domme.  It just strikes people as female empowerment, and is often portrayed in the media as hot chicks in leather bustiers with whips and nice boots.

Female submissives would be seen as "pushing back the women's movement" or some other crap.  Male Doms would be seen as rapists or abusers.  Male subs would be seen as 'not real men' or pussywhipped or something like that.

But trust me - I freelance as a pro-Domme.  If I'm asked at a vanilla bar what I do for a living the general response is "wow awesome! That's so hot!"  If I replied to them by saying it's just to pay the bills, and what I really want and crave more than anything is to be slapped around and have my body used as my man's sex toy they would look at me and say "wow you have some serious fucking issues."

Well...maybe one of them would ask for my number [;)]  But *most* of them would think I was a weirdo.



LaTigresse -> RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM involvement? (9/10/2007 12:42:52 PM)

What LA said..........she just said it better than I was going to




Dom87110 -> RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM involvement? (9/10/2007 12:43:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U
I assume you mean if you are single, you are asking if you should tell others (vanilla or not)?


If you are not single and your partner/spouse does not know about you not being vanilla - then what other people might think about you is obviously not your biggest and most pressing problem!  :>D



xoxi -> RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM involvement? (9/10/2007 12:43:29 PM)

Heh.  LA types faster than I do [;)]



toservez -> RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM involvement? (9/10/2007 12:43:43 PM)

I do not think it is harder for anyone in this life to be open to the regular world by role as the only reason.

I do firmly believe it is though harder for people who are against societal roles to come out of that role. So to me submissive males and dominant females would have a tougher time because of this in addition to the D/s and BDSM things which I would represent as being equal to all genders and roles if placed in a vacuum. If that is splitting hairs then that is what I am doing but it is that old stereotype of dominant equals strong and submissive equals weak and a male in society never wants to be perceived as weak and females are too often chastised if they come off as too strong.

Edited to dominant equals strong was submissive equals strong



came4U -> RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM involvement? (9/10/2007 12:43:52 PM)

quote:

Cultural standards these days call for women to be in control and powerful, while still nurturing and supportive, and for males to be strong and secure, but ultimately subservient to the female.


It makes you wonder why young male adults are so confused about their place in a gender-bias world. Sad.



PhilaMale1958 -> RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM involvement? (9/10/2007 12:44:02 PM)

Even if I could come out as a Dom I wouldn't. I don't view it as being accepted by society. Being a very private person, I would only express myself as Dom to those who I knew for sure to be in the "life style".



toservez -> RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM involvement? (9/10/2007 12:44:45 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: xoxi

Heh.  LA types faster than I do [;)]


ditto



BitaTruble -> RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM involvement? (9/10/2007 12:46:50 PM)

i think dominants open themselves up to the possibilities of criminal charges - domestic violence, battery etc. - so have more to lose in that regard where as submissives are much more likely to be seen as victims regardless of whether they consented or not. as far as whether or not it's easier for someone to be open about it, i think it's a personality thing. i have been out and open for several years, master, not so long and not as open. he has job worries, and other issues that i didn't and don't have. this is one that i'd call on a case by case basis.

celeste



came4U -> RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM involvement? (9/10/2007 12:46:57 PM)

quote:

If you are not single and your partner/spouse does not know about you not being vanilla - then what other people might think about you is obviously not your biggest and most pressing problem! 


omg, I couldn't even imagine being in that situation LOL.



BeachMystress -> RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM involvement? (9/10/2007 12:47:16 PM)

I've not noticed any difference along orientation lines. I have noticed that Dominants who are comfortable about being out often have subs who are comfortable with it also. My sample is actual couples though.. people who live in the same residence. Perhaps that matters.



gypsygrl -> RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM involvement? (9/10/2007 12:48:27 PM)

quote:

Cultural standards these days call for women to be in control and powerful, while still nurturing and supportive, and for males to be strong and secure, but ultimately subservient to the female.

Add that onto the stereotypes of kinky people- male doms are monstrous sadists, fem doms are bitches with a grudge, fem subs are traitors to the feminist agenda weaklings, and male subs are total doormats, it gets to be not very fun for anyone.


Brilliant analysis.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Easier for Doms than subs to be open about BDSM involvement? (9/10/2007 12:52:08 PM)

Thanks- it's not just the typing.  Statements came in today so I'm chained to my desk (not in the fun way) updating and filing so I need lots of breaks and distraction :)



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